Fallout

by Ariel Tachna

  Sambit groaned. He could imagine it so easily. He’d do it, too, if they were together. He wasn’t one to make a lot of noise during sex, but Derek could drive him to it with his teasing and his control, because Sambit already knew Derek would never be a selfish lover. He might take his own pleasure once he’d seen to Sambit’s, but it would never be at the expense of Sambit’s needs.

  “You’d be so tight when I pushed you up onto your knees,” Derek went on. “I know you. You don’t sleep around. It’s probably been months since someone last fucked you.”

  “Two years,” Sambit admitted hoarsely.

  “Shit, you’d be as tight as a virgin again after that long,” Derek said, his voice breaking. “I’d be careful popping your cherry all over again. I’d make it so good for you. I swear I would.”

  “I know,” Sambit whispered.

  “Let me do it,” Derek pleaded. “Let me inside you.”

  Sambit didn’t answer. He couldn’t. His whole body clenched at the thought of being on his knees with Derek behind him, preparing him, penetrating him, fucking him into oblivion. It wouldn’t take much, not as turned on as he was at the moment.

  Derek took his silence as a refusal. “If you won’t let me do that, I’ll find some other way to make you feel good. I give a damn good blow job. I’d dry you off and spread you out on the bed and lick every inch of your body. Every inch, Sambit, until you couldn’t stand it a second longer, and then I’d find your dick. I’d have to lick the puddle off your stomach first or I’d have a mess all over my face. When that was clean, I’d work on the rest of you, licking and sucking until you were desperate to fuck my face, but I’d hold your hips down so you had to lie there and take it.”

  Sambit groaned. He could all but feel Derek’s mouth on him. The urge to touch himself was nearly irresistible, but he didn’t reach for his cock. He didn’t trust what might come out of his mouth if he started participating in this. He’d end up begging Derek to come get him, and Derek would do it, but that didn’t make it a good idea. Nothing could make it a good idea.

  “I’d draw it out as long as I could,” Derek went on, his breath coming in harsh pants over the phone. Sambit could tell he was close. A word or two would push Derek over the edge, but Sambit remained silent, holding on to the tenuous connection. “But eventually you wouldn’t be able to stand it any longer, your balls drawn up tight, your whole body trembling with the need to come. I’d swallow you all the way down and you’d lose it right there in my throat, giving me everything you’ve got. I’d keep sucking and swallowing until you were so sensitive you had to pull away because that’s what makes it good, drawing it out until you just can’t take any more.”

  Sambit already couldn’t take it anymore just from the images Derek was putting in his head. The reality would probably kill him. “And then?” Sambit whispered. “What about you?”

  “You’d take care of me,” Derek said. “It wouldn’t take much. A hand on my prick or maybe a kiss. Give me a kiss, Sambit, and it’ll be all over.”

  Sambit felt ridiculous making kissing noises over the phone, but Derek’s hoarse moan made it clear Derek didn’t find the situation ridiculous at all. Desire hit Sambit hard as he imagined what Derek must look like, his cock in his hand, sticky from his release, lying replete in the tub. The only thing missing was Sambit in the tub with him.

  “I should go,” Sambit said. “I’ll e-mail you tomorrow.”

  He hung up before Derek could reply, his body aching with the need for release. His heart pounded so hard in his chest he could hardly catch his breath, the mixture of need and panic more than he could control. Grabbing his towel, he fled to the restroom where Derek had installed the shower. He barely had the forethought to hang the shower sign outside before locking the door. He stripped as fast as he could, tearing a button off his shirt in his haste. The water hit him in a hot stream, and he swore he could feel Derek’s hands on him, Derek’s body behind him.

  He wanted to take his time, but he couldn’t wait. A few pulls later, he spilled all over his hand, Derek’s name on his lips.

  He lingered after that, taking the time to shower and regain his composure. He didn’t know if he’d meet anyone in the halls going back to Lyrica’s office, but he didn’t want to take the risk of being flustered if he did.

  When he finally felt in control again, he dried off and headed back to the office. His phone blinked at him when he moved it to the side. He swiped his finger across it, bringing up a text from Derek.

  Did you jerk off in the shower?

  No, of course not. The denial was automatic, not that he’d have told Derek anyway. Some things were private.

  Then what took you so long to reply? You did jerk off. Come on, you can admit it to me. I just gave myself a hand job with you listening in. You can’t possibly be embarrassed to tell me.

  It probably was a silly reaction given what he’d shared with Derek, but Sambit was embarrassed. He didn’t lose control like that. Ever. Except that he’d done it with alarming frequency since he met Derek.

  Fine. I jerked off in the shower. Are you happy now?

  I won’t be happy until you’re here with me.

  How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? Sambit wondered. Derek had just changed it from sex to something else. Sambit didn’t put a name on it. He couldn’t think of it as a relationship, not if he wanted to keep a modicum of distance to protect himself when Derek grew bored with traveling back and forth between College Station and Pearland. He was already surprised by Derek’s continued interest, but he wasn’t back at work yet, back to his normal routine. He hadn’t mentioned any of his neighbors returning after the storm or any contact from anyone at work other than his boss, that first day, so things were hardly typical. All the things that would normally occupy Derek’s time were still absent, leaving him with nothing to do but chat with Sambit. Once he had those things back, he’d lose interest.

  I didn’t scare you off, did I?

  Of course not. There just didn’t seem to be anything else to say.

  Oh. Well, sleep well then.

  “Damn it,” Sambit muttered. He’d managed to hurt Derek’s feelings. He couldn’t have said how he knew when all he had were the words in a text message, but he knew. If Derek had been there, his voice would have been clipped and tight, his face a mask of indifference, but Sambit had seen behind that mask to the tender heart that hid beneath it. He’d just nicked that heart when the last thing he wanted to do was hurt either of them.

  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just don’t know how to answer comments like that.

  Say you’ll let me come visit you after you leave. If I’m wrong and everything is all awkward, I won’t visit again, but let me see you once more no matter what.

  All right.

  He knew it was a mistake. He’d end up alone again, just like he had when Praveen got married while Sambit was working on his PhD. Derek, at least, would have the good grace to tell Sambit if he decided to move on. He wouldn’t have to hear the news from his mother, a scant month after he left Hyderabad for the States.

  He shouldn’t still be bitter about it all these years later, but the passage of time hadn’t lessened his sense of betrayal. He knew what Praveen would say. He’d talk about family pressure and the realities of life in India and Sambit being away, and Sambit even knew some of that was true. His family had put plenty of pressure on him to let them arrange a marriage for him, but unlike Praveen, he’d refused. The fear lingered, though. If he couldn’t hold the attention of Praveen, with whom he’d had everything in common except his commitment to their relationship, how could he hold Derek’s attention when they had nothing in common except a few tense days during a nuclear disaster?

  Unfortunately he’d passed the point of cutting ties on his end. He wanted Derek’s attention, however fleeting it ended up being. He wouldn’t hold Derek to his promise to visit, of course, but that was a problem for later. For now, he had to get some sleep. He
turned off his phone so it wouldn’t vibrate if Derek texted back and tried to get comfortable on the cot. No matter which way he turned, though, it felt like something was poking him in the back or the side. He got up and tried to do some yoga, but that didn’t help either.

  Pulling on the least disgusting of his clothes—he hoped FEMA would make provisions for laundry as well as sleeping quarters—he left the office to pace the halls. He ran into Lyrica coming back from the shower.

  “I figured you’d be asleep already,” she said with a smile for him. “Or else on the phone with Derek.”

  “I talked to Derek already tonight,” Sambit said, grateful his dark complexion hid the heat he could feel staining his cheeks. “I tried sleeping, but I couldn’t get comfortable. I was thinking about going for a walk.”

  “Not the healthiest thing to do around here,” Lyrica reminded him. “Why don’t you come sit with me and tell me what’s on your mind? It has to be something because you don’t usually have problems falling asleep.”

  Sambit was afraid that was a bad, bad idea, but he followed her anyway because no matter how bad an idea baring his soul to Lyrica was, it was still healthier than going outside at the moment.

  They went into the smaller office Lyrica had commandeered for her bedroom. She gestured for him to take the desk chair while she sat on the cot, shifting around a bit until she could find a comfortable position. “That’s part of my problem,” Sambit said. “No matter how I lie down, I can’t get comfortable.”

  “But that’s been an issue the whole time we’ve been here so that isn’t what’s keeping you awake tonight. Did you have a fight with Derek?”

  “I didn’t think we had, but I’m afraid he thinks we did,” Sambit admitted. “He… he’s interested in me.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” Lyrica retorted. “A blind man could have seen that when he was still here. And you’re interested in him, so what’s the problem?”

  “I’m here and he’s not,” Sambit said. “That never works.”

  “Okay, maybe I’d agree with you if you said he was in India and you were here,” Lyrica said, the echo of his past causing Sambit to flinch. “Oh, I struck a nerve there, didn’t I?”

  Sambit nodded. “This isn’t the first time I’ve tried a long-distance relationship. They’re a recipe for disaster.”

  “I don’t know the whole story, obviously, unless you’d care to share, but I think you’re underestimating Derek and overestimating the problem,” Lyrica said. “My comparison aside, you aren’t talking about an insurmountable distance with Derek, or only being able to see each other once or twice a year. Once we get out of here, you could easily see him every weekend, even if you didn’t see him during the week.”

  “That might work for a while, but I don’t want to ‘date’ him forever. If I’m going to be with someone, I want a life together, and two hours apart doesn’t constitute that.”

  “Now you’re jumping ahead and borrowing trouble,” Lyrica scolded. “For all you know, Derek could do a lot of his work from home, and if that’s the case, then it doesn’t matter where he lives. You could look into doing more online classes and seminars. I know a lot of universities are going to that model now so they can offer classes in certain areas even if they don’t have the faculty on site. I have a cousin in Austin who teaches photography classes remotely for a university in San Francisco. So maybe you don’t have to be on campus every day. Even if that doesn’t work, you could split the difference. People in Houston regularly drive an hour or more for their commute without thinking anything of it. It’s not what you’re used to, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t do it. You’d even be going against rush hour traffic driving to A&M in the morning.”

  “So you’re saying I should stop worrying and give it a try.”

  “I’m asking what you have to lose,” Lyrica said. “Okay, if it doesn’t work out, your heart might be a little battered, but you have this fabulous man interested in you, and from what I could tell while he was here, if he’s interested in you, he’ll treat you like a king. You could be passing up a chance at something really, really good because some idiot in India wasn’t smart enough to see what a wonderful man he had in you. That doesn’t make you a bad catch. It makes him stupid. Derek is a lot of things, and maybe if some of those are issues, you should think about it again, but one thing he isn’t is stupid.”

  Sambit considered everything he knew about Derek, all their interactions, positive and negative. He might not like Derek’s cursing, but Derek was trying to curb it. Derek might not understand Sambit’s desire to keep certain things private, but he hadn’t told anyone else Sambit was gay. Derek hadn’t belittled him for his yoga or done any of the other things some of Sambit’s past lovers had done to make him doubt himself, and the sex….

  Sambit couldn’t remember the last time he’d had someone pay as much attention to his needs as Derek had done in the shower. He’d been completely gutted by his orgasm, and the one in the shower a few minutes ago, after talking to Derek on the phone, had been almost as powerful. He knew they’d fight sometimes, but he didn’t think it would be over anything important. In a bubble, he and Derek could work quite well as a couple. If only they didn’t have to deal with all the outside stuff.

  “What are you brooding about?” Lyrica demanded.

  “All the reasons any relationship is a bad idea for me,” Sambit admitted. “I’m not out at work or at temple or anywhere really. I don’t need to be when I’m single. The aunties all shake their heads and cluck their tongues over the fact that I still haven’t found some nice girl to take care of me, but they leave me alone after that. My colleagues don’t blink when I show up at department functions alone because I’ve never brought anyone with me to events. I’ve never had anyone I cared to bring. It keeps things simple.”

  “Really, Sambit?” Lyrica said. “That’s the best you can do? This isn’t the Stone Age. Your colleagues won’t care. The aunties might blink a few times, but if they say something, you tell them it’s none of their business, or you find a different temple where they will accept you. Hell, Derek will probably charm them all right out of their disapproval if you let him.”

  He probably would at that. “I can’t do anything about it from here anyway,” Sambit said. “We’ll see what happens when I leave. If Derek is still interested, maybe I’ll see where it goes, but for now, it’s better not to make promises he might not want me to keep.”

  “Just don’t push him away in the meantime. You don’t want to end up spending your life alone.”

  “Where’s your partner?” Sambit countered.

  “Believe me,” Lyrica said. “If I’ve learned something from being here, it’s that I don’t want to have no one to miss me if I didn’t come home. I’ll be doing some reevaluating as soon as I’m safely out of here.”

  “And you think I should do the same.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  Chapter 15

  “I HEARD from my boss today. He said they have clearance for people to come back to work as soon as they can,” Derek said.

  Sambit nodded, the webcam allowing Derek to see his gestures as well as hear his voice. “So when will you go back?”

  “Tomorrow,” Derek said. “There’s no reason to wait. I can get there safely. I checked that out a couple of days ago. I’ve been helping with the National Guard because every pair of hands helps, but I’m not critical personnel. They won’t miss me if I go back to work, and my project does have a deadline, even if it’s still a while off.”

  “You don’t have to justify your decision to me,” Sambit reminded him. “I was curious, nothing more.” He was nervous, but he wasn’t going to tell Derek that. Tomorrow would mean the end of their steady stream of texts during the day and the e-mail from Derek waiting for him when he got off his shift tomorrow evening. It would mean a return to Derek’s normal routine and the beginning of the end of his interest in Sambit, but he didn’t say any of that. Derek would deny
it, and Sambit couldn’t bear to hear promises he knew couldn’t be kept.

  “What about you?” Derek asked. “Any word on the FEMA trailers?”

  “They’re supposed to get here tomorrow, the next day at the latest,” Sambit said. “I’m ready. I swear this cot gets more uncomfortable every night. I don’t know how soldiers in the field do it.”

  “The same way you are,” Derek replied. “They bitch and moan about it and keep going because that’s what they do. I’m hearing the same complaints from the National Guard that I am from you about the cots, the weather, the gear they have to carry, and everything else.”

  “Well, one thing’s for sure. I’ll never complain about a lumpy mattress again. After three weeks on this cot, any mattress would be welcome.”

  “You can share mine anytime,” Derek offered with a cheeky grin. Sambit couldn’t help returning the smile. If Derek kept his promise and came to see Sambit after Sambit went home, that would be almost inevitable given the tension simmering beneath the surface every time they talked or texted. The e-mails were different, though. Not that Derek didn’t sometimes flirt in those too, because he did, quite a bit at times, but he also shared sides of himself Sambit rarely saw anywhere else. Sambit had seen more kindness, more vulnerability, in Derek’s e-mails than he would have believed possible given the façade Derek had adopted when they’d first met. He held on to those hints with both hands because they gave him the courage to keep answering the texts and to keep looking past the casual, or not so casual, flirting when they talked. Derek had trusted him enough to show hints of the man beneath the mask. Sambit nurtured a faint hope that the mask would someday fall completely.