Fallout

by Ariel Tachna

  Sambit half expected Derek to push Sambit for an answer, to turn the conversation into cybersex, but Derek let it go after that one brief comment, making Sambit fear he was already losing interest. Instead he talked about work, about the project he’d be going back to and the exploration his robot would eventually get to do on Mars and how maybe Venus was next and wouldn’t it be amazing if they could eventually get a manned spacecraft to either planet.

  It was an interesting discussion, the kind Sambit had often relished with his colleagues at Texas A&M, but it wasn’t the kind of conversation he was used to having with Derek. He might not have minded if he hadn’t needed the reassurance of Derek’s continued interest, but tonight it only highlighted Sambit’s fears. By the time they said good night, Sambit had given up hope of keeping Derek’s interest for much longer.

  THE next day passed pretty much as Sambit had predicted. He got a short text from Derek a little after noon saying he was on his lunch break, but by the time Sambit got a break himself to be able to answer, Derek had gone back to work and didn’t reply until much later, by which point Sambit was busy again. The resulting lack of real contact left Sambit more than a little grumpy by the end of his shift.

  “Did you and Derek have a fight?” Lyrica asked as they heated up dinner.

  “No, he just went back to work today,” Sambit explained.

  “You should be excited for him,” Lyrica said. “It had to be grating on him not to be busy.”

  “He was busy. He was helping with the recovery efforts,” Sambit said, “but he sounded happy to be going back to work when we talked last night.”

  “Of course he’s happy to be back at work,” Lyrica said. “Won’t you be happy to go back to teaching after this?”

  “Actually I was thinking teaching might be kind of boring after all the hands-on work I’ve done here with you,” Sambit said. “I wonder if it might be time to look for a job in industry instead of education. Not this semester certainly, and maybe not even until next summer, but I could start looking anyway.”

  “I’ll gladly write a recommendation for you,” Lyrica offered. “Tucker won’t, but he’s an idiot anyway. I talked to the plant owners today, and they’re going to appeal to the NRC for a different representative. Maybe we’ll get someone reasonable this time.”

  “Thank you,” Sambit said, summoning a smile. She didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of his bad mood. “I’ll keep that in mind if I decide to go through with it.”

  “So what time are you going to call Derek?”

  “I wasn’t planning on calling him,” Sambit said.

  “Sambit, he just went back to work. You have to call and ask him how it went. You don’t want him to think you’re a bad boyfriend,” Lyrica scolded.

  “I’m not his boyfriend.”

  “Oh, really?” Lyrica said. “You haven’t spent the past two weeks texting and e-mailing him on a regular basis, talking to him almost every night on the phone, and who knows what else? I’d say that constitutes boyfriends. Or have you forgotten about whatever happened in the shower?”

  “I haven’t forgotten anything,” Sambit said, feeling his face heat at the memory of Derek’s hands on him and of jerking off in the shower after they’d had phone sex. “That doesn’t make us boyfriends.”

  “So what would?” Lyrica asked. “Seriously, what would make you a couple?”

  Sambit hesitated, realizing he didn’t actually have an answer to her question. “Um….”

  “Maybe you should think about that,” she said, “instead of telling yourself he’ll never be interested in you. Figure out what you’d want a relationship with him to look like. Obviously there are limits because you’re still stuck here, but this won’t go on forever. What would you want when you leave?”

  “I’ll think about it,” Sambit promised, taking his food from the microwave. “I’m going to eat in my room. I need some quiet for a bit.”

  “Eat wherever you want,” Lyrica replied, “but call Derek.”

  “All right,” Sambit said. “I will, but don’t get your hopes up for the results.”

  Lyrica shook her head at him, but she didn’t say anything else.

  Sambit carried his plate of microwaved lasagna down to the office he used as a bedroom and sat down on the cot to eat. Or, more honestly, to push his food around the tray while he pondered Lyrica’s insistence that he and Derek were already a couple despite Sambit’s doubts.

  They weren’t in the same place at the moment, but other than that, when he thought about his parents and their relationship or the relationships of any of his friends, he couldn’t think of a single thing other than sharing a bed at night that they did that he and Derek weren’t already doing, and Sambit suspected that if Derek were still here, they’d even be doing that. The only thing missing was a stated commitment to the relationship, and that was only missing on Sambit’s part. Derek had said multiple times that he wanted to see Sambit again, that he wanted to find a way to make things work between them even with the distance and everything else. It was more a matter of logistics than commitment according to Derek.

  So now Sambit had to find a way to believe Derek’s words.

  Before he could follow that train of thought any further, his phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Sam. How was your day?”

  “Hi, Derek. I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

  “I’m sorry I kept missing you today. It was a little crazy getting back to work after being off for so long.”

  “It’s fine,” Sambit said. “I didn’t expect to hear from you even the little bit I did.”

  “Then I’m glad I could surprise you,” Derek replied. “You didn’t answer my question. How was your day?”

  “Tucker was his usual stupid self, but Lyrica said the plant bosses were going to call the NRC, so that’s good news,” Sambit said. “And we got confirmation that the FEMA trailers will arrive tomorrow along with some additional staff.”

  “Wonderful!” Derek said. “You’ll have a little more comfort and a little more privacy once that happens. And maybe even shorter shifts.”

  “I’ll be glad not to work twelve-hour shifts anymore,” Sambit agreed. “It’s okay for a few days, but I’m worn out.”

  “You should be,” Derek agreed. “But things should get easier tomorrow. Are the robots still holding up okay?”

  “Mostly,” Sambit said. “One of them has started having problems with one of its rollers. I sprayed it down with WD-40 like you said I might have to do, and that seems to have helped. I don’t really want to have to take it apart and put it back together again. I’m not sure I’m that good.”

  “Yeah, those robots weren’t designed for industrial use,” Derek said. “I tweaked them as much as I could with the parts I had, but the grit from being outside and climbing over rocks will gum up the gears. Maybe they’ll have someone in the new staff who has some experience with robots. If not, this weekend when I’m not working, we’ll get on the webcam and I’ll talk you through taking it apart to clean it out.”

  “That would be great,” Sambit said. It wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted Derek there to help him with it, or even better, to do it himself so Sambit didn’t have to worry about screwing it up, but it was better than nothing. Remembering Lyrica’s admonitions, he changed the subject. “How was your day? Glad to be back at work?”

  “It was a mess,” Derek said. “Despite all the precautions, parts of the building flooded and are still closed off because they’re worried about mold. Half of my tools are in the quarantined section of the building. They’re bringing things out slowly, but everything has to be sanitized and certified as safe to use again, which takes for-fucking-ever. Sorry about the language, but there’s really no other way to describe it. So there I was trying to do my job and get back up to speed on my project with only half the things I would usually have at my disposal. I told Kenneth I was taking a cab tomorrow so I could bring my personal equipme
nt and sending him the bill.”

  “What did he say to that?” Sambit asked, grinning at the idea of Derek handing his boss a cab bill.

  “He told me to buy a car like a sane person.”

  “And?” Derek would never have let his boss have the last word.

  “I offered to send him the bill for that instead.”

  Sambit laughed. “Did he agree to pay for the cab fare?”

  “No, but he did say he’d pick me up in the morning.”

  “How did Fido do with you gone all day?”

  “He’s definitely glad to see me, but nothing’s torn up and he didn’t make any messes in his room, so I figure he did okay,” Derek replied. “I’d love to take him with me the way I did when I was working with the National Guard, but I don’t have a doggy seat for my motorcycle.”

  “Do you have a second helmet?” Sambit asked impulsively.

  “Sure do,” Derek drawled. “Wanna go for a ride?”

  “Maybe someday,” Sambit said, his courage deserting him.

  “Just tell me when,” Derek replied. “My bike is at your disposal.”

  “What about you?”

  “You already know the answer to that,” Derek reminded him. “Say the word and I’ll be there in a couple of hours.”

  “I’m hoping the influx of new people tomorrow will mean I can start planning a graceful exit,” Sambit admitted. “I’ve enjoyed the work—other than the stress of dealing with Tucker—but not the working conditions. I was telling Lyrica earlier that I might start looking for a job in industry. I’ve been in the classroom a long time, long enough to have forgotten how much I like doing what I teach about.”

  “I’ll put a good word in for you at NASA,” Derek said immediately. “It’s not nepotism, or whatever you want to call it, because we wouldn’t be working together except very indirectly. The nuclear power program is completely separate from the robotics program.”

  “Would you actually have any pull, then?” Sambit asked.

  “Not directly,” Derek said, “but I’ve worked there for about ten years. I know people, and I’m well enough known for my intolerance for any kind of bullshit that if I say you’re good, they’re likely to believe me, simply because I never say it unless I mean it. I can’t make any promises, of course, but it can’t hurt for me to mention you and your possible interest.”

  “I suppose not,” Sambit said. “It wouldn’t be until January at the earliest. I can’t leave A&M in a lurch like that with only a few weeks’ notice to find a replacement for my fall classes.”

  “Of course you can’t,” Derek agreed. “You’re much too responsible and loyal for that. That doesn’t mean you can’t start looking, though.”

  It was exactly what Sambit had said to Lyrica.

  “If you have any information on what they’re looking for, could you send it to me?” Sambit asked. “Along with contact information or anything like that? I can send my résumé if nothing else.”

  “Sure,” Derek said. “I’ll have to ask Kenneth tomorrow who would be the best person to contact. As I said, I don’t work with that division much. So, you gonna move in with me if you get a job at NASA? We can share the commute.”

  “We’ll see,” Sambit equivocated. “It’s way too soon to commit to something like that.”

  “Why?” Derek asked. “Don’t you believe in love at first sight?”

  “Derek, I come from a country where eighty percent of all marriages are arranged for the couple by their families, maybe even more. Love doesn’t enter the equation.”

  “You don’t believe in love?”

  “I didn’t say that,” Sambit said with a sigh, “just that I’m not used to basing decisions on that criterion. A relationship isn’t about emotions. Emotions are as variable as the day and the hour. Relationships are about commitment and about choices, about choosing to do what’s best for the other person even when you’re tired or angry or not particularly in love with them, and that isn’t a commitment you should make rashly.”

  “That almost makes sense,” Derek said. “Almost. It’s not how I’m used to thinking, but I could get behind that, I think. I can certainly say I never felt like my past boyfriends made an effort to follow that philosophy, and I can probably trace that to the relationship failing. Of course, I can’t say I was any better. Life has sort of demanded I look out for number one.”

  “I’m not saying you shouldn’t look out for yourself,” Sambit said. “You can’t do what’s best for your partner if you aren’t in good shape yourself, but I’ve seen too many relationships descend to a level of deliberately doing things to hurt the other person because you aren’t committed fully or out of spite or whatever, and that doesn’t belong in a healthy relationship.”

  “So would you consider ours a healthy relationship?” Derek asked.

  “I….” Sambit had to stop to think about it. The idea that they were actually in a relationship was still so new to him that it was hard to see past that to the dynamics between them. “I guess I would,” he said finally. “I mean, it’s hard since we aren’t together. We aren’t really making a lot of decisions that impact each other directly. Not like if we were living together.”

  “I see.”

  “Wait,” Sambit said. “Why are you angry?”

  “I’m not angry,” Derek said, although the clipped tone of his voice belied his words. “A little hurt that you don’t consider all the texts and calls and e-mails making decisions that might impact you. I can stop if you’d prefer I not send them.”

  “No!” Sambit’s heart raced at the thought of losing Derek through his own stupidity, never mind that he wasn’t sure it wouldn’t happen for other reasons. “I don’t want you to stop. Lyrica’s been telling me for a week now that I was letting my own baggage get in the way of giving you a fair chance. I should have listened sooner. I’m sorry.”

  Derek waited so long to reply that Sambit wondered if he’d hung up. “Are you still there?”

  “Yeah,” Derek said finally. “I’m trying to take your advice from earlier and make choices based on what I promised us both I’d do rather than on the way I’m feeling right now. It’s not easy.”

  “I told you relationships were hard work,” Sambit quipped, trying to lighten the mood. “But if we’ve had our first fight, we can have our first makeup sex.”

  Derek snorted softly. “Not tonight. I’m not ending things, so don’t get that in your head, but I think maybe we need a few days’ break. I’ll take this relationship as seriously as you want, but you have to meet me halfway. If we aren’t on the same page, one of us is going to end up hurt, and I don’t want that to happen to either of us.”

  “So what do you want me to do?” Sambit asked uneasily.

  “I want you to think about what you want from me,” Derek said. “When you can answer that question, you know how to reach me.”

  “Okay,” Sambit said, not knowing what else to say. “If that’s what you want.”

  “It isn’t what I want at all,” Derek admitted, “but I think it’s what we both need.”

  Chapter 16

  robotech: How’s Sambit? Is he having headaches still?

  Derek waited on pins and needles for Lyrica’s reply to his chat message. It had been four days since their “fight,” if that was even the right name for it. Four days since he’d told Sambit to think about what he wanted their relationship to mean and to call Derek when he’d figured it out. Four days of silence.

  sopsolo: Miserable, but no headaches. Call him.

  robotech: I can’t. The ball’s in his court now. If he doesn’t want me, I won’t force him into something.

  sopsolo: *snort* Not want you? You two are something else. He’s moped around here for four days looking like his favorite pet died and you’ve resorted to bothering me to find out how he is. Pathetic. Really.

  It probably was, but Derek wasn’t about to agree with Lyrica on that point. If he did, she’d double her insistence that Derek call
Sambit immediately and put an end to this ridiculous standoff. As much as Derek wanted to do just that, he couldn’t be the one to make the call. That had to come from Sambit. Derek had to know Sambit was as invested in making a relationship work as he was, because if Sambit wasn’t, this wouldn’t be any different than all the other failed attempts in his past. Derek had enough of those. He didn’t need another one. He especially didn’t need to be the one chasing after his lover like a lovesick puppy. He had more self-respect than that, and besides, Sambit wouldn’t respect him for it either.

  robotech: I know how it must look, but he hadn’t even gotten to the point of thinking about us as a couple. I poured my heart into my e-mails. I did everything I could think of to convince him I was serious.

  sopsolo: Ask him about Praveen the next time you talk to him.

  robotech: Who?

  sopsolo: Ask Sambit. It’s not my story to tell, but it’ll all make more sense then.

  robotech: Just tell me. Please?

  sopsolo: Fine. You’ll still have to get the details from him, but Sambit tried the long-distance thing once before, when he first came to the US. The guy dumped him to get married within a month and didn’t have the courtesy to tell Sambit the truth himself. Sambit had to hear it from his mother.

  robotech: Shit.

  sopsolo: Yes, exactly.

  It made a little more sense to Derek now, the insistence that long-distance relationships couldn’t work. That didn’t mean Sambit was right or that Derek appreciated being tarred with the same brush as Sambit’s ex, but at least it explained Sambit’s near fanaticism on the subject.

  robotech: So I guess you think I should call him.

  sopsolo: You know I do.

  robotech: I’ll think about it.

  He’d done nothing but think about it, honestly, but he wasn’t going to tell Lyrica that. His boss had even noticed, asking him why he was so distracted. Derek had brushed it off and asked Kenneth about the nuclear power division instead. Maybe he’d e-mail Sambit tomorrow from work with that information. It wouldn’t be from his personal e-mail so he wouldn’t include anything but the information he’d promised Sambit, but hopefully it would be enough to remind Sambit that he kept his promises. If Sambit started to believe that, maybe he’d believe the rest and give Derek the chance to keep the rest of the promises he’d made.