Watch Me Fall

by Nora Flite

  Adoration and something I couldn't grasp—a new sensation—filled me to the brim. “It's the eighth, just a few days from now.”

  Rocking in her chair, she looked pleased with herself. “I was pretty close.”

  “Yeah,” I said softly, “you actually were.” Turning the beer bottle, I smiled at her over the top of it. “Thanks.”

  Under the table, she brushed the tip of her shoe on my ankle. “Thanks for helping out with the performance. I know I keep saying it, but it means so much to me.”

  I faltered, draining my beer and setting the empty container to the side. “Hopefully it makes a difference.”

  “It will,” she said bluntly. “I know it will, especially with you there.”

  Drumming my fingers on the table, I waved for the waitress; indicated we needed more alcohol. At least, I did. “You have a lot of confidence in me,” I grumbled. If I could move like I used to...

  Under the table, her foot froze. “What would you say to me if I was doubting myself?”

  Taking my new drink, I let the icy liquid burn my throat. “I'd say you were being stupid. Noel, you aren't me. You're fantastic and amazing.” And not burdened with an unpredictable knee, I mused silently. “I've never seen anyone dance like you. I don't know how some company hasn't scooped you up.”

  Noel chewed her bottom lip, looking into her drink. “Actually, before I came here, one tried to.”

  That last swig of beer went down like ash. “What?” I asked warily.

  “The NYCB, they sent me an offer last year.”

  The New York City Ballet. The goddamn prestigious NYCB. Why did my face hurt? Oh, right; I was clenching my jaw. “You turned them down and came here instead? How could you—why would you...” My envy was bloating rapidly.

  Noel's foot slid away from me. “Carter,” she said calmly, “you know why I came here.”

  Exasperated, I tried to get a hold on my emotions. Noel had turned down what I'd spent my life getting fucked over for. “How could your mother ask you to give up that opportunity?”

  In front of me, Noel slid down in her chair. Stoic, she finished her beer before speaking. “I never told her about it. I kept the letter to myself. By that point she was bedridden, so she wouldn't have discovered anything.”

  Having her remind me about her mother's death was sobering. Brushing my hair back, I took a few slow breaths. “She would have told you to go.”

  “Yes. I didn't want to give her the chance to say it. It was more important for me to do this, than it was to stay in New York.”

  How had my second beer gotten empty so fast? Twisting it side to side, I avoided meeting her eyes. I was torn between jealousy for what she'd turned away, and appreciation for her decision. Noel, she'd been handed what I'd desperately fought to grab hold of. So talented and blessed, and she sat here telling me how great of a dancer I was.

  “You know,” I mumbled. “People would kill to have what you turned down.”

  She kept looking at me, then turning away. It was an anxious tick. “Some people should realize that chances come around more than once.”

  What is she talking about? I wondered. It was a cryptic sentence.

  Noel broke the silence, calling out for more beer. I let her change the subject, moving on to discussing everything from Cally's health to the blossoming weather. I didn't want to talk or think about my past, what I'd had robbed from me.

  And what she'd given away.

  So we drank too much. Far too much. My bladder was screaming, so I obeyed. “I'll be right back,” I said. Stumbling out of my chair, I headed towards the bathroom.

  It was a filthy room, graffiti scrawled on the walls and mirrors. My reflection stared back at me. Haggard, exhausted... hungry. The monster heard what she said, I mused. It had fed on my anger this evening, and that made it stronger. I've been so content lately that it... it was shrinking.

  I prayed for it to shrivel and die. Instead, my eyes shimmered back at me with terrible thoughts.

  Swaying, I zipped my pants back up.

  Washing my hands, the door swung open behind me; bar-noise followed, then cut off. Glancing over, I saw a young guy, long hair tied in a braid. He passed me, peered at my face for an uncomfortably long minute. “Hey man,” he said. “Weren't you sitting with that chick out there? One in the white skirt, nice tits?”

  Unconsciously, I gripped the edge of the sink tight. “Yeah. I am.”

  Bending over the urinal, he groaned loudly. “She yours?”

  A bear trap closed around my soul. “Yes, she's mine. Why?”

  “Damn, man,” he said, looking down at his stream of piss. “Too bad, I was thinking of buying her a drink, she looks pretty wasted already.” Zipping his jeans, he winked at me. “She's a sexy one, just my type.”

  A fetid, rusty flavor filled my mouth.

  Flipping his hair, he leaned close to the mirror; picked his teeth. “I meet a lot of chicks when I'm hostel hopping. You ever do it?” He didn't wait for me to answer. “Anyway, she's fucking hot. You wanna share her, you ever think about that?”

  My arms felt heavy, no longer attached to me. “No. I don't think so.”

  “Aw, come on, man! I bet she'd like it, sweet thing like her. She's small enough, we could do some crazy shit. Bet she'd go nuts and—what the fuck!” he cried out, surprised by my hands shoving him backwards.

  Wrapping my grip in his faded shirt, I lifted him, slammed him against the tile wall. “No,” I growled, “she would not like that.” In his face, I saw the eruption of fear, reveled in it. Could he see the same darkness in my eyes that I'd spotted in the mirror earlier?

  “What's your problem, man!?” He scrambled wildly to get free. With his feet off the floor, he had no momentum. His hands scraping uselessly at my wrists. I didn't feel the pain. “Fuck you, put me down!” Every bit of his fight fueled me; I slammed him on the wall again. Desperate, he coiled an elbow, went to punch my jaw.

  It was too slow. Too telegraphed.

  I wrenched him sideways, cracked his temple on the sink basin. The noise was a sickening thump, blood coloring the yellowed porcelain. I was heaving in air, my heart thumping so loud it drowned out the world.

  The man moaned, sat up. Kill him. Just fucking tear his eyes out. In my reflection I was grimacing like an animal. I didn't look human.

  Shaking violently, I looked back down to the injured man. His eyes were bulging and bloodshot. Bending low, I squeezed his jaw; forced him to focus on me. “She isn't yours,” I said carefully. “And I don't share.”

  Under me, he tried to nod. “O—okay, man! Okay! I get it!”

  Letting him fall, I stood up. I was resisting the urge to see him gasp for life. The temptation made me linger. There was a hot, pulsing ache still radiating in me. A primal desire to bite his throat, to pummel him until he was nothing but a stain.

  Buzzing with too much energy, I gave in to one final attack. My heel came down, catching him in the forehead solidly. Grunting, he bounced off the tile. His fluttering eyelids stopped when he blacked out.

  Turning away, I looked down at the scrapes on my hands. He'd left long, raking cuts. They were swelling up, but not spilling my blood. I was sweating, wild with passion and motivated to show all of fucking creation that Noel belonged to me.

  Noel is mine. Just mine.

  She always would be.

  - Chapter Thirteen -

  Noel Addison

  Carter had been gone awhile. I was pretty buzzed, but I still noticed. My mood was all over; giddy about having some romantic time with him, uneasy about his reaction to how I'd given up the offer from the NYC Ballet company.

  I shouldn't have told him. It had just come out... I'd only wanted to inspire him. I believed entirely that there were more chances out there for me; for everyone. That also meant for Carter. Didn't he understand that?

  Playing with my empty bottle, I felt his presence before I spotted him. Carter's shadow fell over me. His hair was beaded with perspiration, his
chest thrumming from quick breaths. “Carter?” I asked, “what is it, what's wrong?”

  “Nothing,” he said, curling an arm around me. He was strong, and he was drunk, so I knew struggling wouldn't go smoothly. I let him lead me, his long strides forcing us out the backdoor of the bar.

  It was dark, the brick alley illuminated by a single dim, reddish bulb. One man hunched there, smoking alone. Carter pulled me further, and I had to half-run to keep up with him.

  Around a corner, a thin, indent of an alley waited. It was rounded, blocking the night stars and casting us both into an abyss.

  “Carter,” I hushed. He whirled on me. Without light, those hazel eyes didn't shine. Hands pushed me against the cold wall; my foot slid on unseen garbage. “Carter!” I said louder, trapped between bricks and his insatiable pressure. “What—what are you doing?”

  His first kiss stole my breath; the second crippled my resistance. Carter's hands slipped to my skirt, flipped it up my hips. “I need you, Noel,” he hissed in my ear. “I need you more than fucking food or air. I want you, all of you, right now.” Crouching, he kissed the top of my thigh. I had enough agency to look down, to stare at the yearning in his face. “I need to taste your delicious cunt.”

  My control washed away under hot waves of lust.

  I had no clue what had gotten into Carter. Honestly, I didn't even care. Murky from alcohol, I didn't worry who might see us in the alley. Carter peeled my panties down; they stuck to me, damp already. He was between my legs, palms fondling my ass cheeks, trapping my pussy close to his mouth.

  Carter squeezed my thighs together. My puffy lips and swollen clit protruded in an accessible mound. He wasn't patient; he didn't ask if I was ready. A starving man, Carter dove in and buried his face in my pussy.

  Smashing my hands over my mouth, I muffled the oncoming squeals. My body was a furnace, sticky juice escaping me. It didn't escape Carter; he caught each drop, smeared his face until it was shiny.

  “Dammit,” he huffed, breathing so hard I felt it tickle my clit. “You smell amazing, taste amazing. I can't take this. This is—fuck. Fuck! How are you so perfect?”

  Dizzy, I spun out of control when he shoved two fingers inside of me. “Carter! God, that's so good!”

  “I know. You want more, too. Your hungry cunt is as greedy as you.”

  What? I wondered, fighting to make sense of that. Did he call me greedy? Why would he think... Groaning through my teeth, I blushed down at him. He was spreading me open, burying a third finger into me. Carter pumped faster, curling the tips against the sensitive roof of my cunt.

  “You're still not satisfied,” he growled. “You're crushing me, Noel. And look—watch,” he commanded me.

  Shivering, I did as he said.

  Never breaking eye contact, Carter licked the fingers of his other hand. Reaching behind me, I understood what he was going to do. “Wait!” I gasped, but of course he didn't. A slippery fingertip probed between my buttocks, slipping into my asshole and ignoring my resistance.

  Carter filled me from both ends, stuffing me fuller than I'd ever been. Panting, my holes quivered on the intrusions. He kept shoving further, wagging his digits and watching me with a crazed intensity. “Is that enough? Or do you want more?”

  I clasped my palms tighter over my lips; the word still got out. “More,” I sobbed. Fuck, I need more from him. Carter was right. I was greedy, I could never have enough of him.

  Surprise filled his eyes. Next came the torrent of wicked desire. He yanked out of me, ignoring my pathetic whimper. I hated being so empty. “Fine,” he said. He was so quiet, I barely heard. “Fine, I'll give you more.”

  My world flipped, causing me vertigo. He shoved me into the dirt, aluminum cans skittering down the alley. My cheek rested in something wet; I didn't know, didn't care.

  He flipped my skirt over my hips. I tried to glance back, but he grabbed my scalp and mashed me back into the filth.

  Warm, plush; I knew it was the head of his cock gliding between my thighs. “Please,” I begged into the cold dirt.

  “Tell me you want it.”

  “You know I want it!” I whined.

  He waited a heartbeat. “Yes. I guess I do.”

  Carter drove into me, spreading my inner walls inch by inch. The ridge of his dick scraped along, pushing ripples of pleasure through my veins. He was crushing one hand into my waist, attempting to control the pace. In spite of that, I rocked backwards, demanded more of him.

  “Stop,” he growled, twisting fingers into my hair.

  I didn't; I fucked him harder, relishing the burst of pain he created behind my eyes.

  “I said stop!”

  “No,” I whispered, feeling my orgasm so close. “I don't want to, I want to come!”

  Rasping, he leaned over me and let go of my hip. “And you always get what you want, don't you?”

  That sounded wrong... I was too gone, too hazy, to think.

  Carter said no more. Gripping my hair, he yanked me onto all fours. My spine bent, a delightful arch that caused my pussy to squeeze him ever tighter. In that alley, I gave up trying to be quiet. I gave up caring about who or what could stop this, mess up what I had with Carter.

  I yelped like a wolf in heat, grinding my cunt on him when the climax took me. Disoriented, I was lost in the shadows of our tiny world. It didn't matter how dark it was, my vision had stopped working.

  He made a low noise, slippery and scratchy. My neck twinged from how hard he wrenched. His cock thickened and convulsed, stretching me out. Thick ropes of seed dripped down my inner thighs while he kept pumping.

  Then he was gone; so quick, I actually cried out. Shaking, I sat up, turned to see what he was doing. “Carter?”

  He yanked his pants up, tucked his dick away. It was still firm, bulging through his jeans. His eyes shot to me; accusing. In a flicker he was pacing towards the exit.

  Baffled, I ignored the cuts on my knees and stood. My skirt fell, hiding my nudity. “Carter, what's wrong?”

  Ruffling his hair, he grabbed his skull, kept avoiding my eyes. “Nothing. I don't... I don't know.”

  Following him, I stood at his elbow, went to touch him. In the better lighting of the alley mouth, I spotted scrapes on his hands. They weren't from me. “What happened? Carter, why are you acting so weird?”

  He wasn't blinking. I hardly saw him breathe. “Telling you would make it worse.”

  “Nothing is worse than this,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “You aren't going to start demanding that I should be scared of you again, are you? Carter, we keep going over this! You won't hurt me, why do you even worry about that?”

  He twisted towards me, his lips wrenched in a grimace. “Because I'm sick, Noel! Because I spent most of our time fucking back there thinking about how to make you hurt, how to get back at you.”

  My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. “Get back at me, for what?”

  Carter was standing there, and though he didn't move, I felt the air shivering around him. His muscles bunched in his forearms. “You gave up something I spent my entire shitty existence chasing. You're this stupidly talented dancer, and here you are, covered in trash in an alley and letting me damage your skin and your mind.”

  Aghast, I forgot how to speak. He's angry that I turned down the offer from NYCB? The whole time he was kissing me back here, shoving himself in my body, he'd been disgusted with me.

  No. Impossible, I told myself. I remembered the way he'd kissed. At some point, had his thoughts really shifted? He called me greedy. That's right. Carter thought I was greedy. And he didn't know... that I knew... why he felt that way.

  If I didn't know his past, I would have felt more hurt. Instead, empathy swallowed my pride. “Carter,” I said gently. “I... I know why you're angry at me for all of this. I know what happened to you.”

  The color hazel had never become so icy. “What?”

  “It's okay to be mad at me. What happened to you... to your parents... was horrifying. But yo
u have a new chance now!”

  His fingers twitched like dying insects. “Vince told you about it.”

  “Yes, but—”

  “He told you this,” he said sharply, “so now you think you understand what's going on with me? How I think, what I feel?”

  A tiny flame of worry grew. It reminded me of the intuition I'd had way back when I was first alone with him. “Carter, calm down. I do know how you feel! You were dancing in secret because you were afraid you weren't good enough anymore, because of your injury. It's why you were nervous about the show! I really get it.”

  “No. Oh, Noel. You really fucking don't.” We were secluded, and his looming form became threatening. “There's not just envy or fear in me. My problems go beyond things that basic.”

  Carter was closer, our bodies near touching. Minutes ago we'd been rubbing together in carnal delight. Now, this man was buzzing with a tangible hatred that went to his core. Summoning all my bravery, telling myself he wouldn't do anything rash, I held my ground. “Carter, I know you want to dance on that stage! I'm going to help you fix everything and—”

  “That won't fix me!” Snarling, he lifted his hands in the air. They were talons, ready to shred me to bits. “Fuck, nothing can fix me! You keep talking about what happened like you actually know! You don't know, Vince doesn't know! Only one person does, and that's me!”

  In the late hour, my nervous blood fought to keep me warm. “Then share it. I'm right here.”

  Carter laughed; a manic noise. His smile was taut, fake and empty. “You want to know what happened to me? You want to really know what went down the night I was attacked?”

  How can there be more to this tragic story? I nodded, a slight movement.

  He was breathing faster and faster. He sounded like he'd been running for miles, looked like he was about to bolt. “I was alone with him, I had him right there. Did you know he died? Did Vince say that much?”

  I was already reeling. “No... but, I mean, you must have needed to fight back and...”

  “That self-defense bullshit,” he spat. “Noel, I killed him. I choked him to death, strangled him when he couldn't do shit. If I'd waited, the cops would have come and arrested him. I didn't want that! Noel, I murdered that guy and I... I loved it.” He paused, wiping sweat from his face and staring me down. “Fuck, I loved that feeling . The moment I broke, the moment I actually felt free. I'm fucked up. Do you get that now? This is me! I'm a monster, a murderer.”