Watch Me Fall

by Nora Flite

  The earthquake in my skull wouldn't stop. What Carter was telling me, I didn't doubt it was true. He was too intense, watching me and expecting me to reject him.

  This was what haunted him. Carter Braeburn was a murderer.

  And you may judge me...

  But I didn't think that made him a monster.

  “You'd just had your leg broken,” I said softly. “And... and I know you'd just experienced your parents being killed. How is anyone supposed to behave after all of that?”

  He leaned away, so stiff he was a wooden puppet. “Normal people don't do what I did.”

  “It's in the past. That's who you were in the past.”

  “It's me in the now!” he insisted. “This is what I've been warning you about! All this time, when we were alone, I'd flood with this hot fucking sickness that wanted to bury my cock inside of you, but it also wanted to mangle you with my hands! I'm a terrible human being, moments ago I was crushing you into the ground, getting excited by your screams. Nothing about me is good, Noel. Nothing.”

  Ignoring the vibes that told me not to touch him, the warning your brain gives you when you reach for a hot stove, I grabbed his hands. “You do have good inside of you, I know that for a fact.”

  “How the hell could you say that, after everything?”

  Licking my lips, I lifted my hand. In the red streetlamp and crescent moon, the gold ring glinted. “I remember a man who stepped in when he saw a group of people trying to scam a lost girl out of her money. A guy who asked for nothing, wanted nothing, in return for helping.”

  In front of me, Carter's face drained of color. “What?”

  His doubt cooled my confidence. “So you did forget about me. You weren't pretending, you really don't recall.”

  Closing his eyes, Carter's fingers flexed in mine. “Wait. You're wrong, I do remember.”

  Shit, my heart slammed into my ribs, fighting to break them into dust. All this time, and he actually did remember? “Then why did you act like you'd just met me, that first day of class?”

  He brushed his thumbs over my wrists, studying them like the answers were there. “Because... because I think for me, it was our first meeting.” Blinking, Carter let me go. “I've been floating along for years, Noel. Just ignoring everyone and letting them fade away. No one ever stuck out to me. Not even a girl who needed help because she was surrounded by a mob.”

  Crossing my arms, I hugged myself. What he described was a terribly lonely existence.

  “And then one day,” he whispered, “you came along, bursting through the air and spinning like a living galaxy, a black hole that sucked me in. Noel, you didn't exist to me before you danced.” Triumph filled his gaze. He squeezed my chin, but I was too stunned to feel it. “After that moment, you never left my mind.”

  “Never?” I asked.

  Carter's voice verged on anguished. “You woke me up. You got into my blood and you're stuck in there. Forever. Forgetting you would be impossible.”

  My tear ducts threatened to spill over. “You're in me, too. Everything that you've done to me... you think this is a mess? Some terrible, fucked up knot? Maybe it is. I don't know.” Who I was, what I am now... I'm a stranger to myself, I realized.

  Carter was frozen, studying me as if I could vanish under his nose.

  “All of this stuff,” I went on, “I never pictured it happening. But... I never want it to end, either. You say you won't forget me, I don't want to give you the chance. God, you thought you would scare me away!” Lifting my hands, I clasped his cheeks and fought to speak. “I love you, Carter.”

  In the spring night, I could hear his heart beating. “I'm terrified I'll go too far one day.”

  Standing on tiptoes, my lips brushed his. “If you do, I'll just haunt you.”

  His chuckle was bleak. “You really want this? You think it's worth it, having me and the torture that comes with it?”

  He was too tall for what I wanted to do. Grabbing his hair, I forced him down, pressed my forehead to his. “My Mom used to tell me something when I was overwhelmed. 'Everyone is ready for what life offers us. It never gives us more than we can handle.' I believe that. If I couldn't handle this—if you couldn't—we wouldn't have ended up here.”

  Lifting me in his arms, Carter crushed me in an embrace that stole my oxygen. He kissed me until I was senseless, nothing but white and gold and our touching skin. “I love you too, Noel. I didn't even know I could. But now... now I can't let you go. I need you in my life. Forever.”

  “So,” I said into his hair, “you're not going to give me another chance to run, to change my mind?”

  “No. You're never going to escape me, Noel Addison.”

  “Good,” I whispered. “I didn't have plans to try.”

  - Chapter Fourteen -

  Noel Addison

  I held up the white tutu, ran my fingers over the stiff material. The netting flared it out, the bodice embellished with silver. All the girls would wear the same outfit for the performance, the boys in classic black tights and cream shirts.

  The show was tomorrow, and our rehearsals had gotten longer in the past week. I could see how far everyone had come. Cally had put her energy into helping perfect our moves. She no longer looked on enviously, but rather nodded proudly when we finished each session.

  Bronta was a ball of excitement, shocking me when she started dragging herself into the studio to practice before the sun rose. “Hard work,” she'd said, smiling with chagrin.

  Looking back, I can't believe this is almost over, I thought. It was bittersweet.

  Mr. Vince had done his side of the work. He'd told us gleefully that the heads of the major ballet companies, as well as a few schools and studios, might be swinging by. Even if it was a 'might,' it had us jumping and laughing.

  Reaching down, I set the tutu back on the hanger. I was looking forward to wearing it. I hope you're proud of me, Mom. I'm here, I did it. It's a dream come true.

  One more day. That was it.

  Heading for the theater exit, I spotted Carter waiting for me. Waving, I approached—then slowed. Someone else was standing by the door.

  Carter sensed her, too. Turning, he rose up and met me in the aisle. Together, we closed the distance between us and Valerie. “Hey,” I said. “What's up, did you need something?”

  Valerie leaned on the wall by the opening. “I was hoping I could talk to you both.”

  “Of course,” I said warily. Her tone—her pose—was too casual. Her and I hadn't spoken much since our fight months ago. What could she need from me now?

  She reached into her purse, handing me some squares of stiff paper. “You might find these interesting.”

  Flipping them over, my stomach started to writhe. Next to me, Carter leaned in close. In my hands were photos of us. Carter and I, kissing in an alley. I recognized where they were from, was grateful she hadn't gotten more explicit pictures.

  “You have two options,” she said quietly. “Agree to not perform the pas de deux together, and let me do it with Carter. Or, I'll give these photos to Mr. Vince, spread them around the schools and ballet companies, and ruin both your reputations.”

  I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think.

  Carter tugged the photos from me, staring from them to Valerie. She was smirking so wide it showed her gums. “You're serious.”

  “Of course I am.”

  He nodded, flapped the papers. “Are you the only one who has seen these so far?”

  Glancing up at Carter, I saw something... unsettling in his eyes. The angle of his mouth, his cold stillness. It reminded me of what he'd told me in the alley. No, he wouldn't do it. Carter couldn't possibly murder Valerie.

  Right?

  The red-head hesitated, pushing off of the wall. “Yeah. So far. I have copies on my laptop, so don't think you're clever if you plan to destroy them.”

  He didn't smile or didn't blink. “I was imagining destroying something else.”

  She startled, unfolding her arm
s. Reaching out, I placed a palm on Carter's spine. “Valerie,” I said quickly, “don't do this. It's insane!”

  “No. What's insane is you getting to be the star of this whole fucking show.”

  “I'm not the star! We all—”

  “Oh, shut up,” she snapped. Rolling her eyes, she looked at Carter. “You know that if she dances with you, it's going to make the audience remember you two and no one else.”

  My blood was pumping, the smell of my own panic in my nose. “You'd really smear both of us just so you could be in the spotlight?”

  Valerie lifted her chin high. “I'd do anything to finally get the attention I deserve.”

  “You're making some assumptions,” he said. He took a step forward. I grabbed his shirt, stopping him in the aisle. “Why do I care if you show those? Vince wouldn't stop us from performing together. I can talk to him and explain everything.”

  Her next words chilled me to the bone. “Maybe. But it would taint the Rosella Ballet program. It's failing, we all know that. If it gets out that a studio would allow a teacher to have a relationship with a student, to allow them to continue on without punishment...”

  “The studio would be shunned,” I whispered.

  Valerie smiled wider.

  Looking away, I peered at the stage behind me. What do I do? Giving up this dance with Carter kills me, but... Everything I'd done, the class had done, was meant to save Rosella. Did it matter what I did or didn't do on stage, if that still happened?

  The back of my neck was damp. “Fine.” Looking at Valerie, I ignored Carter's razor-filled stare. “You can have the pas de deux.”

  “No, she can't!” Carter growled. “I refuse to dance with her!”

  “If you refuse, I'll go through with my threat.” Beaming, Valerie motioned at the photos Carter was crushing in his fist. “You can keep those, call them souvenirs. Oh, and don't tell anyone about this. We all know they'd rub their noses in it. Let's make it a surprise so they don't try.” She waggled her fingers. “I'll see you both tomorrow. Get some sleep for the show!”

  Valerie had hardly vanished when Carter spun on me. “What's wrong with you? We can't let her just blackmail us!”

  “It's... it's fine.” Shaking my head, my ponytail bounced off my shoulders. “Rosella means more to me. I don't care about one dance.”

  His eyes flashed darkly. “Liar.”

  Flinching, I hung my head and walked around him. “I'm the one that says everyone gets more chances. If I don't dance with you this time, then, later—”

  Carter yanked me towards him, pulled me against his chest. “This is your chance! Noel, why have we been working so hard for this, if it's easy to give it up?”

  With my ear to his chest, I felt his pulse; sank into it. “It isn't easy. I never said easy. But it's what I have to do. I refuse to let Valerie slander you and Rosella. I couldn't handle that.” She's held a grudge since the start. We should have been more careful.

  Why weren't we more careful?

  Carter cupped the back of my head, pet my hair softly. “Do you regret it?”

  “What?”

  “Loving me,” he rasped. “If you hadn't fallen for me, your teacher, she couldn't stop you from having what you want.”

  Coiling my arms around his middle, I dug my nails into his skin. I hugged him like it was the first and last time. “This is what I want. Just this.”

  Standing together in that empty theater, he didn't call me a liar again.

  ****

  I didn't know what to do with myself, after that. Carter kept giving me these long, anguished looks that throttled my confidence. Eventually, I faked a smile and said I wanted to talk to Cally and Bronta.

  Of course, I didn't.

  Instead I let myself wander the streets, not caring where my feet took me. If I was going to accept Valerie's bargain, I had to stop wallowing in my guilt. I was angry, and sad, and generally fucked up over the turn of events.

  By the time I decided I couldn't be alone—and couldn't be near my friends in case they sensed my mood and pried—Carter was no where to be found. The studio was empty, the theater was closed, and he didn't answer when I knocked on his apartment door.

  Pushing hair from my forehead, I ended up sitting by the canals. Mom had said she loved them. They did smell strong, not as romantically wild as she implied. Regardless, I sat there with my feet dangling over the edge.

  Staring into the depths, I saw the reflection of the moon. It reminded me of the ring on my finger. I was relieved Carter remembered that day... and I believed him, that he'd never forget me. I won't forget him, either. I won't forget anyone, any of this.

  No matter what happened at the performance tomorrow night...

  I'd always remember my time here.

  In the canal, the body of a dead rat washed past. It broke the image of the moon into fragments, left nothing but ripples in its wake.

  ****

  The theater was bustling.

  Backstage, everyone was finishing up the last touches on their costumes. Cally was hurrying around, dusting makeup on girls and boys alike. I still hadn't seen Carter, and same as the others, I was getting nervous.

  What if he just abandoned all of this? Could the blackmail have set him off so much he'd quit without telling me? Lowering my eyes, I looked at my starched tutu, plucked the edges. No. He promised me. That still means something.

  “Hey,” Cally said, crouching in front of me. “Hold still, let me fix your makeup. Did you not sleep well? These bags under your eyes are intense.”

  Smiling weakly, I lifted my chin to give her better access. “Just nerves.”

  “I don't blame you.” Grinning, she turned my face side to side, studied it. “Lot of pressure on you tonight. You can handle it, though. You're ready to stand out.”

  Acid bubbled in my stomach. “Yup. Very ready.”

  Peering over my head, Cally flushed with relief. “Thank God, there he is.”

  Twisting, I felt my nervous system fidgeting with the appearance of Carter. He was already dressed, looking magnificent and strong. He locked eyes with me, walking purposefully.

  “You took your sweet time,” Cally said to him.

  His eyes narrowed. “I had something to take care of. I'm here now, boss.”

  Blushing, the blonde was clearly baffled. It got me to smile, seeing her so stunned. “Uh, right. Okay. Well, you're dressed, so that's good. Any questions about tonight?”

  Carter shook his head and looked down at me. “Nope. Everything is going as planned.”

  I straightened up. What the hell? Was I insane, or was he trying to tell me something? I wished Cally would leave, but even if she had, the backstage area was too small for privacy.

  Clapping her hands, Cally got everyone’s attention. “Alright! Vince did a stellar job, it's packed out there. I hope you guys are prepared. Tonight is going to be special, and it'll take each of you to make that happen.”

  Skin brushed my hand; Carter. I saw his small smile. Has he done something? My nerves prickled. Just to be sure, I looked around until I found Valerie. I didn't think Carter would do anything drastic, but seeing her gave me some strange relief.

  A voice called out near the curtain. Cally lined us up... and then everything began to blur.

  It was time.

  Carter led the charge, bounding lightly across the stage. Behind him was Bronta, Jerome on her heels. Valerie followed, then another boy, until finally it was my turn. When we assembled, our group was three women and five men.

  From where I stood, the lights turned the faces of the audience into blobs. I recognized no one, they didn't even look human. This wasn't my first time performing in a show, I'd been in many growing up. From that, I assumed my experience would keep me from being overwhelmed.

  God, was I ever wrong.

  Sweat. Stretch. Smile.

  I sank into my mantra, my body elastic as I danced. Part of a greater picture, I tip-toed from one position to the next, helping to add
to the piece we were collaborating on. We dipped like fish, flowed and swayed.

  Across from me, I caught Carter's eye; he smiled, and I shared it.

  Criss-crossing past, we wove a pattern. When it was done, all of us lined the edges of the stage. Only Bronta was in the middle.

  Beaming, the small ballerina began her solo. The audience watched, spellbound. I joined them.

  Nimble, she showed off how high her legs could kick. Bending and crumbling, Bronta danced like she was caught in a tornado. Fast spins, contemporary shoulder twists. She had a unique edge to her, and it thrilled me to experience it.

  This was her, the funny girl who would tell you what she thought and never held her tongue. Bronta's steps reflected that wildness, and when she finished, my compassion swelled for her.

  Each dancer took their turn. From the sidelines, I spied Cally watching with glistening eyes. She wasn't sad, she was overwhelmed for us.

  The guys showed off their dynamic height, their strength and power.

  Valerie impressed everyone when she did her routine entirely on pointed toes.

  Then the music ebbed, and it was my turn.

  Each footstep I took towards the spotlight, it drummed in my instincts. I'm doing it, Mom. Raising my eyes, I gazed into the burning hot bulbs. I let them tattoo dots into my vision. I'm finishing the plan. My promise to you.

  All my work, my struggles, it had been for this moment. I was going to give a performance so exquisite that applicants would come here from across the continents. Rosella Ballet is going to live on.

  Mom wouldn't be forgotten.

  Hanging my head, I arched my arms to the invisible sky. The momentum was gentle, ripples in a pond. Bending one knee, I balanced on the tip of my shoe. I was telling a story with my body. Every twist of a limb, kick of a heel, had a purpose.

  I wanted the universe to know who I was.