Seven Shades of Grey

by Vivek Mehra

  Love is blind, and I was as blind as a bat. MAA, professor and undying love were a bright spotlight beamed at the helpless rabbit on a dark moonless night. I chose to read what I wanted to read, chose to believe that which made me comfortable, as comfortable as well worn underwear.

  She was good, very, very good!

  And I was hooked on to her.

  That evening she logged in at the appointed hour, heaping apologizes in a bid to soothe my anxious mind. And she was good, very very good! And my surrender to her was complete.

  I went back home, lit some incense at the altar and found peace and tranquility growing. I rationalized that Imthi98 was another tormented or helpless soul finding solace in a beautiful chat friend that he met in the flesh. Humans were frail, he falling for her outward beauty, she strong enough to know what is right or wrong. In the depths of rationality that possessed me, I forgave Imthi98 not wanting to hurt a friend of a friend. And I had a new name given to me, Bapu.

  Mahatma Gandhi has been referred to as Bapu, the father of the nation. I was given this title as an honor to the wisdom I possessed.

  She was good, very, very good!

  I could live with the name although would never be caught dead with it in public. I chuckled at the inference, a 32-year-old woman calling a 35-year-old man ‘Dad’. The world surely would never understand that.

  She was good, very, very good!

  And I was an honored fool, sending my brains for a walk, surrendering to the woman, not reading between the lines. For days after that I was tranquil, gorging on my reading, discovering new depths of my inner self in meditation. I was destined to forget, and destined to repeat an unpleasant past.

  *

  On hindsight I know that all of this was to prepare me for the atom-bomb-size-explosion to be unleashed on me.

  And it had to happen on a Monday.

  *

  13. Hiroshima

  A nuclear explosion annihilates everything in a specified target area. What would happen if one took place inside a human mind? I cannot begin to fathom the outcome and cling to MAA to help me confront and understand today just such an explosion that took place months ago. For over two hours and a half served my time in this ‘Waiting Room,’ going through a year of fascinating events in my memory, bringing myself face to face with my nemesis. For almost a year I have held on to my sanity by choosing to remain in a state of denial: ‘nothing happened.’ Now, I have to relive it, to exorcise it once and for all, to ensure that the new life about to arrive in this world will be taught a rational and honest view of how The Miracle happened.

  MAA, don’t let go of me today!

  And she doesn’t. She is here besides me, my head still resting at her feet, safe.

  *

  For days after the emails were exchanged a strange tranquility surrounded me. It ensured that my chemical formulation not only worked but was also perfected. A marketing plan was put in place, and I anxiously awaited orders that would bring money and success to me. And they started arriving, a trickle at first with definite potential to become a flood.

  A strange calm prevailed on the Net too. Marilyn, Reshma, Aviva and Bindu were there on most days. They too displayed similar sentiments, their lives chugging along merrily, me an integral part of them now.

  The two Dolls in my life made me happy, each in her own way. My wife informed me that she would be home soon, and I eagerly wanted to break the news of our child to her. Apprehensions surfaced now and then; would she believe the words of a stranger? MAA, Professor, and the dreams could be provided as proof; I had saved all the emails and chats. Dolly66 made me happy by being online with me every single day. We talked about the amazing sequence of events, the deluge of love that brimmed in our hearts. Black Monday pushed out of current memory, and she promised to come visit India and me later that year. I was waiting for both Dollys to arrive. Thirteen days after the dreaded conference on Black Monday, Saturday evening arrived at my computer terminal.

  My office staff had left for the day, the production staff working later than usual executing orders received earlier in the week. Life was good; not just good, it was perfect! Bindu was online when I logged in. What she had to tell me did not surprise me as much as it should have.

  bind99: I was remembering u n dolly ...

  VikSin: thanks

  bind99: my hubby has a chat friend a woman in Bombay n

  VikSin: listening

  bind99: n she lives alone here she is an airhostess … hubby wanted us to meet n he asked me

  VikSin: and?

  My heart skipped a beat, just a fraction, before settling into its normal rhythm.

  I had heard this before.

  And I already knew what she wanted to tell me.

  bind99: so I said ok n we met ... she is beautiful

  VikSin: listening

  bind99: but sad part is she had cancer sometime back is still being treated for it.

  VikSin: have a question for u

  bind99: sure

  VikSin: yr hubby was upset when u met dolly n I but u were not upset?

  I knew the answer to my question and still wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth.

  bind99: I thought about it n decided that if he wanted to be a jerk that is his problem.. I was not going to be one

  VikSin: excellent, I knew there was something about u I liked..lol

  bind99: quite frankly vik, I have made dolly my role model here

  VikSin: how so?

  bind99: I know how u behave with me n I believe u when u say that u r the way u r because dolly lets u be that way

  VikSin: yes

  bind99: so have decided to follow her example.. I was amazed when she came to find me.. I don’t think I would have ever done that for my hubby but now I will

  VikSin: yes Bindu, my dolly is the best no doubt about that at all

  And she had surprised her husband by readily agreeing to meet his chat friend, even though she did not surprise me. I glowed with the tributes paid to my wife; she surely was the best. My tranquil and merry state of mind infiltrated our chat. I happened to mention that I was experiencing a lot of inner peace and happiness, which had evaded me for eleven years since I left the States. Bindu prodded and probed, wanting to know how she could find this peace, and unwittingly opened the floodgates of my spiritual beliefs.

  Before I could proceed with her, Messenger informed me that Marilyn was online. I quickly opened a message window and greeted her. She replied and said that she too wanted to talk to me if I was free. I mentioned that Bindu was also online and that I could chat with both of them without breaking my stride. Marilyn strangely insisted that I finish with Bindu and then page her, as she would finish a few household chores. She went on to add that she was leaving the computer connected to the Net and would return when my message flashed to her. I had learnt that Messenger had a feature by which a sharp audible sound like a bell ringing was heard to inform the user that a new message had been received. I promised to wrap up with Bindu and be with Marilyn soon. And so I was back with Bindu.

  VikSin: its like I don’t have a care in the world. … there is someone who does my work for me. … it’s a wonderful feeling

  bind99: who does your work ?? ... please explain

  VikSin: well ... I do ... I mean physically ... but the result is more than what I expect. … that is someone working for me.

  My explanation was probably making no sense to her because she shifted tracks.

  bind99: did u speak to dolly today ???

  VikSin: oh the one in Singapore?

  bind99: yes that one

  VikSin: no today I have not…

  bind99: ok ... tell me vik ... what is the purpose of ones life ... why am I alive on this earth ??

  VikSin: the search for the eternal truth and because u have a purpose bin ... u do. … the quest is to find what it is.

  bind99: and how do u find the purpose ? I mean I have many purposes ...

  VikSin: yes u do ..
.

  bind99: which one is the right one?

  VikSin: let me explain part one.

  bind99: ok ... .

  VikSin: this is to understand where everyone comes from … ok?

  bind99: ok ... go on

  VikSin: see ... the first step is to understand who we all are … the easiest thing you can do ... for that ... is read a book called AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A YOGI ... by Parmahansa Yogananda

  I will give u a small bit of what he says … the universe is a stage…

  bind99: ok ...

  VikSin: where ADI SHAKTI has split. … adi shakti is half man half woman

  bind99: ok

  VikSin: the man is Shiva the Shakti is Parvati. … when they split ... Shakti descends to earth in the form of light ... that light is in each one of us. … SHAKTI yearns to get back to SHIVA. … that is the purpose of life’s existence. … when all the Shakti on this planet goes back to Shiva ... nothing remains. … and that is when this world will end.

  bind99: so we are all yearning to go back ...

  VikSin: yes we are. … the stupor or peaceful state I talk about ... the one I am in now ... is something where I am connected to the universe.

  bind99: but hey ... how does one go back ???

  VikSin: hang on my friend. … before u ask me ... understand what this yearning is. … in this stupor, at times I drive on auto pilot ... I don’t do anything except see my Maa.

  bind99: where there is no want in your life ?

  VikSin: yes want ... is what makes us do things ... but hang on. … now let me answer your question. how does one go back? … before we can go back ... we have to settle our karmic debt ... HERE … heaven is here and hell is here… on this planet.

  bind99: ok go on

  VikSin: Karma is in three parts. … The first part is based on your past deeds ... the fruits of these or the punishment of these you have to under go here.

  bind99: understood go on

  VikSin: the second part is when you add karma while enjoying your good ones or suffering your bad ones ... that is free will, that we all possess. … the third is the result of the second karma. … what u have acquired or suffered ... you have to pay for that again… your soul goes back to SHIVA.. when u have completed the balance sheet

  bind99: WAIT ... .

  VikSin: ok waiting … shoot ur question.

  bind99: how can one pay for a suffering ??

  VikSin: no … wrong choice of words here ... by me

  bind99: the third karma ... ?

  VikSin: what I mean is that ... while doing the second karma, that is of your own free will ... u have either done some good or some bad. … you have to again balance this with the third karma ... the one that u are creating by doing the second.

  bind99: ok ... if I do bad ... then I have to suffer ...

  VikSin: yes all over again.

  bind99: and if I do good ... . the I get the fruits here

  VikSin: yes exactly.

  bind99: and if your good deeds exceed the bad ones ... u go to shiva ?

  VikSin: then u have to enjoy the fruits here ...no u go to shiv when your good equal your bad and you have endured both

  bind99: oh ok … good equals bad ... or good surpasses the bad ... right? … I mean >= formula

  VikSin: if good surpasses the bad ... then you will enjoy the fruits here. … you cannot take good karma or bad karma with you.

  bind99: but to equal both ...

  VikSin: yes ...?

  bind99: I mean that does not make sense

  VikSin: will explain ... u wonder why people live in the wilderness like the Himalayas? … and what do they do there?

  bind99: they r in search for the eternal truth ..they meditate ???

  VikSin: well that has come to them and that is why they are there. let me tell u.

  bind99: ok

  VikSin: some are there because they are still seeking ... that is a small number of them. … the others have enough good karma ... their good exceeds their bad. … and then they roam the wilderness because the first part of karma applies. … they have to endure the fruits. … so if they live in our world, there is opportunity to add some new karma, good or bad.

  bind99: they live alone ... so that they can enjoy the fruits ?? … and not add any karmas ?

  VikSin: yes ... one moment. scroll and read what I typed. … yes

  bind99: ok

  VikSin: so they have found the truth ... and that is why they are there. … now about people like u and me ...

  bind99: ok

  VikSin: we have still to do our duty first. … the quest ... or the yearning comes to you ... when questions like the one you are asking, … start popping in your head. … for me ... it has been happening for about 9 years now. … the best way to wipe your bad karma ... is to do the duty you have.

  bind99: vik ... duty ?? duty of being a mother, wife ??

  VikSin: as a daughter, as a wife, as a mother, as a child and later on as an elder

  bind99: u know right now my purpose in life ... is to be a good mother, wife, and daughter ... in that order, this is the only thing that is clear to me ...

  When the master puppeteer arrived and took possession of his possessions is still a mystery to me. I was in my element as years of reading and understanding were ratified and reaffirmed by explaining to one who honestly sought answers from me. I still believe that the words typed that evening, as the events to follow show as well, were executed by my subconscious or an unknown force. I had no conscious control whatsoever.

  VikSin: yes my friend I read you well ... that is what u have to do. … for now ... that is exactly what u have to do.

  bind99: but vik ... .

  VikSin: yes ...?

  bind99: this is not enough ...

  VikSin: u know why?

  bind99: I yearn to do more ... much more ... but nothing is clear ... right now

  VikSin: I will tell you why bins … I will tell you. … u have almost wiped your slate clean ... and the fire in you has been lit, the fire to ask questions. … that is the first sign that your mind is opening to the universe, the first sign that the quest in you has begun.

  bind99: vikram ... did u go thru all this ?

  VikSin: yes my friend ... I went through this and much more… will tell u

  bind99: I guess u had your gurus ... to help u ... and your books

  VikSin: because my child ... the yearning for one ... I had to give up because ... my thoughts and my inner being was unclear. … to wipe my karma ... my Maa has made me wait for one ... when I could have had one in the first year of marriage.

  bind99: vik ... I am really sorry to hear about your child ... is that what u were going to tell me about my inner being ?

  VikSin: no, your inner being is restless. … u are calm outside and u are only doing your duty ... your inner being is now saying ... well that much is fine ... lets move on ... we have still far to go. … start now … the word here is change.

  bind99: change ??

  A dull and slow numbness started overpowering me. My eyes were glued to the screen digesting words hammered on a keyboard by hands that my body possessed and yet the words were not mine. The master puppeteer was in complete command.

  MAA!

  She had explained the very purpose of my existence by making me instrumental in typing to Bindu. And She was near; I could feel Her, my body soon transforming into one giant goosebump, my soul peacefully floating in a vast ocean of tranquility. I was losing myself in this ocean, my heart beating in sync with my gently bobbing body, and my hands went back to the keyboard still under the command of the master puppeteer.

  VikSin: my gurus left me ... its ok ... dolly ... don’t cry … she is coming

  My eyes stared at the words typed by my hands.

  Dolly don’t cry – where had these words come from?

  And master puppeteer first corrected the mistake.

  VikSin: sorry called u dolly ...

  And then explained it.
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  VikSin: I guess my inner being is connected somewhere else. … sorry bins really sorry.

  My mind was leaving me. I started sensing something else.

  bind99: should I do a bit of reading ?

  VikSin: hang on ... for a moment ... my brain ... is gone ... just give me a moment

  bind99: or meditation ? … listen vik ... take a break ... u r really helping me ...

  I could not think straight but wanted to say something to Bindu. An acute numbness, then deathly silence, was followed by a distant cry - a soft muffled voice, quivering and sobbing - trying desperately to pierce the numbness to reach me.

  VikSin: one of my dollys is crying ... I can feel it.

  Master puppeteer made puppet-fingers type what puppet-mind could not understand.

  The sound started becoming clearer, resembling a wail, a desperate plea for help.

  VikSin: I think the one in Singapore is. … I don’t know why.

  When puppet-eyes read what puppet-hands had typed the numbness vanished, and strangely, puppet mind turned towards my sunshine, my wife.

  VikSin: my dolly in Allahabad is also sad but not crying ... she ... is ...

  bind99: but this might not be much fun for u ... I am sorry

  VikSin: ok ... she is ... coming to me.

  And the veil was lifting; my Dolly was sad, not crying like a banshee—not like the one still screeching through my brain.

  bind99: listen ... I have to go now ...

  VikSin: bins ... my karma ... my being ... has left me ... to attach to my friends.

  Rationality trying to make sense, typing words it understood for the first time.

  VikSin: no probs ... go ... Ill be ok ...

  bind99: and u should call up dolly ... .

  VikSin: I spoke to her in Allahabad earlier today ... she is ok.

  bind99: ok ... then try and get in touch with the other one ...

  VikSin: well ... will continue ... some other time ... yes maybe I will. … I never need a phone ... to get her ... she should come online.

  bind99: will talk to u tomorrow ... thanks

  VikSin: well ... its ok. … sure my friend ... im here.

  bind99: bye ... vik ... take care

  I continued to stare at the screen, Bindu long gone, a new vortex starting to form from the screen, spiraling its way to the center of my forehead. Yet I could not see it, could not feel it, overpowered by the wailing sound characteristic of a woman crying.