Seven Shades of Grey
Page 20
My eyelids got heavy, collapsing under their own weight, darkness staring at me. I was lost in the black void searching for the source of the banshee-wail. In the distance a light was growing, soon transforming into the face of a woman in profile turned to her right - away from me, the left eye clearly visible, the left cheek tear-stained, and sound escaping quivering lips. Every few seconds the face would turn towards me, stealing a quick glance, continuing to cry uncontrollably.
Yet this was not the source of the banshee-wail.
My eyes shot open and traveled to the computer screen in front of me. I looked at the Messenger window; Dolly66 was not lit up, indicating she was not online.
It had to be her! In my mind, I willed her to log on, to stop crying and to talk to me, but Messenger staunchly refused to confirm her presence. I opened a private message window to her and typed.
VikSin: why r u crying?
I waited for a few minutes and when she still did not log on I sent another message.
VikSin: I am here my love, why r u crying?
And a similar deathly silence greeted me.
VikSin: log on my love n talk to me. please don’t cry.
Desperate measures call for desperate action, and my desperate mind made my hand reach for the other phone. Fingers dialed Dolly Nair’s number in Singapore. In about thirty seconds, the phone was answered.
‘Hello,’ a quivering familiar voice spoke.
‘This is Bapu, Dolly,’ I replied.
‘How are you, Bapu?’ The voice tried desperately to sound composed.
‘I am fine. How are you?’
‘I am OK.’
‘Liar!’ I wanted to scream at her. Instead, I heard myself mumble, ‘Could you please log on to the Net right now?’
‘Right now?’
‘Yes please.’
‘OK, give me a moment. I have to disconnect this phone line.’
‘OK, I will wait.’
I put the phone down and continued my vigil at Messenger. Marilyn was still online, which I found strange and yet did nothing about it. My eyes were glued to Dolly66; I wanted that ID to light up. It did just that, and my fingers were flying to open a new message window.
VikSin: read the messages I have sent you.
Dolly66: please wait a minute.
VikSin: ok
And I waited. The sound in my head started receding but did not completely leave me, and I was running out of options to make it all go away. A minute later there was a reply from Dolly66. Still no reprieve to the wail echoing inside my head.
Dolly66: I am back was just reading ur messages.
VikSin: what happened?
Dolly66: could not talk to u as prem was here, told him I would be back shortly
VikSin: sorry about that
Dolly66: yes I was crying
I was right! I could not believe what my eyes were beholding and what my heart already knew.
And still the wail refused to leave me.
VikSin: then why did u not tell me on the phone?
Dolly66: because prem was here … n we were arguing about why I was crying
VikSin: why were u crying?
Dolly66: he thought it was because of him … I was trying to tell him that I was not well
VikSin: why were u crying?
Dolly66: will tell u
VikSin: listening
Dolly66: n he got angry saying that I was always using that as an excuse with him … he said I was either angry or crying … no love or anything else between us … but I tried to tell him that my back hurt, since I fell down
VikSin: u never told me that
Dolly66: wait … that is what I told him
VikSin: ok
Dolly66: but I was crying for another reason
VikSin: why?
My heart was in my mouth. I could not understand why. I was about to find out.
And the wail continued to echo in my head.
Dolly66: because I lost my Baba
VikSin: but I am here
Dolly66: no u told me Baba is gone forever. I want my three-year-old, my baba back.
VikSin: ok I will be Baba for u
Dolly66: u don’t mean that I know because the conference hurt u a lot. … be honest with me. u were angry with me right?
VikSin: I was angry at being brought to trial … not at u
Dolly66: but it was I who brought u there
VikSin: not really it was my karma … I know that now … at that time I was angry. … i told u the name baba ... u gave me ... out of love ... I accepted it.
Dolly66: I know
VikSin: and let me tell ... u dolly ... I have cracked open my shell for u.
Dolly66: i know
VikSin: that is just me.
Dolly66: i know
VikSin: dolly the fire that burns in me now ... is ethereal ...
Dolly66: ok … vik I apologize for all this
VikSin: if u apologize ... then u don’t know me still … my friends never apologize to me. … I have never allowed them to.
Dolly66: nope. i meant him and his nutty behaviour … apologize for that
VikSin: and u ... well what can i say about you? … words never can describe u ... but ... maybe now the words will come ... because when i get back into my shell words come out
Dolly66: listening
VikSin: not much to say now.
Dolly66: do not get back into the shell now … pls dont do that
I was not being hard-hearted. A different puppeteer had taken over; it was a puppeteer named Baba, a three-year-old who was mortally wounded that day, and he made puppet fingers type. It was time for another exorcism to be performed.
VikSin: dolly u opened a lot of doors for me ... u really did ... and today was another one. … now have to know ... what doors I want left opened. … I am not as nutty as your friend ... don’t worry on that part.
Dolly66: vik … we have come a long way … and am not going to stand here and lose u. … i know i won’t lose u
VikSin: yes dolly we have … come a long way.
Dolly66: yes, and i am not one to let u go
VikSin: the question I am asking myself is did you have me at all? … if u did why this conversation today? … dolly I told u I never run, even with those that crushed me completely ... i still saw them through
Dolly66: he felt the words my love … meant u really fell for me
VikSin: that is my karma
Dolly66: he does not know becoz i don’t discuss what we discuss at all to anyone
VikSin: what if I have dolly? ... for one moment let us assume that I have fallen for u ... so what ...?
Dolly66: nothing baba
VikSin: my profile doesn’t hide who I am ... so ... what ...?
Dolly66: nothing
VikSin: if I really wanted you to be mine ... dolly ... i would always believe in my love.
Dolly66: I know
VikSin: not in some half-assed explanation from some guy I don’t even know.
Dolly66: vik he logged on to my name … and saw the offline messages and went berserk that day
VikSin: he must have ... I don’t doubt that.
Dolly66: because like u said he is in love with me
VikSin: if he went berserk ... that is his problem ... if he wants to talk to me ... that is fine. … I NEVER RUN
Dolly66: yup … I told him that … so be man enough to hear what I have to say. … ok
VikSin: if u open the doors to my dark side ... I do have one … then be prepared to face what comes out.
Dolly66: I know vik, I have felt ur core, I know what u r
VikSin: well have hidden my dark side for very long … have buried it in love
Dolly66: I know
VikSin: n if someone wants to bring it out then let him be prepared for it.
Dolly66: get ur anger out vik, only then will love flow.
VikSin: with u dolly, there is no anger. I have taken all of yours away
Dolly66: that
is what I am saying … if I have let go mine u let go urs
VikSin: I don’t have any left. am sorry if I made it out to be that way
Dolly66: no u did not
VikSin: I am here my love. ur Baba is inside me
Dolly66: I was crying for him
VikSin: well stop now n smile. he is always with u
Dolly66: but I want to call u Baba my love
VikSin: who is stopping u?
Dolly66: ur email is … I have cried every time I read it
VikSin: sorry … that was not my intention
Dolly66: u spoke straight from ur heart. that is why I could feel how hurt u were
VikSin: not anymore. am smiling with u
Dolly66: I know. I can feel it now
VikSin: so go back to sleep now … no more tears between us ok?
Dolly66: I love u
VikSin: I know
Dolly66: no … u don’t know how much I love u
VikSin: we have a lifetime to find out … not to worry … lol
Dolly66: hee hee hee u said it
VikSin: now go to bed
Dolly66: I love u
And she was gone.
And the wail still dulled my brain. It made me very uneasy, restless, trying to remind me that I was forgetting something - something very important. I unconsciously closed Yahoo Messenger and logged off. The eerie feeling just refused to go away.
What was I forgetting?
I walked out of the office into my production area, sniffed the chemical-scented air, and suddenly felt the wail or a series of wails rising in volume, racing inside my head. This time there were voices, barely audible, trying to say something. I thought the chemicals I had been working with had fried my brains.
I left the production area, stood in the dark full moon night, and heard it again.
Was someone trying to reach out to me? Was my mind playing tricks on me?
And then it hit me. Marilyn!
I raced back to my computer. Within minutes I was back online, and Marilyn was still there.
VikSin: sorry sweety … I went away for a few minutes.
AlfaRomeo66: was waiting here … don’t know why
There was the sob again. I was sure I was not hallucinating.
VikSin: u know earlier I was chatting with Bindu my friend in Bombay?
AlfaRomeo66: yes how is she?
VikSin: she is well. … a strange thing happened there
AlfaRomeo66: what happened?
VikSin: I felt like someone was crying n trying to reach out to me
AlfaRomeo66: and?
VikSin: I knew it was one of my two dollys
AlfaRomeo66: oh I c
VikSin: I knew my wife was ok because I had spoken to her n so I called the one in Singapore
AlfaRomeo66: and?
VikSin: she was crying for me
AlfaRomeo66: I c
VikSin: so I chatted with her and calmed her down … but
AlfaRomeo66: yes?
VikSin: u know I will confess to you, I still feel very uneasy …
AlfaRomeo66: why?
VikSin: I went to check on my work, came back, but could still feel that someone was crying.
AlfaRomeo66: who do u think it is?
VikSin: give me a moment Marilyn. … the pounding in my head is increasing
It was increasing; a jackhammer relentlessly pounding in every grey cell, the din ready to shatter my skull.
I looked at Maa on my office table, desperately seeking relief. What was she trying to tell me? I lit some incense in front of her, the sweet familiar smell bringing much wanted relief. And master puppeteer descended to take possession of his possessions.
VikSin: MARILYN WHY ARE U CRYING?
AlfaRomeo66: about time vik
VikSin: why Marilyn, why?
AlfaRomeo66: have not stopped since early this morning since panda left.
VikSin: my love, but why cry? Something wrong?
AlfaRomeo66: oh no, am not scared or anything
VikSin: then what happened?
AlfaRomeo66: He told me how his head was pounding the day he had called, the day you told me about him and when he left I just felt very very close to you and my tears never stopped
VikSin: stop crying my love. … u r my best friend here
AlfaRomeo66: can’t help it vik, I just can’t
VikSin: have I upset u?
AlfaRomeo66: no vik, not at all, I just kept reading ur words to me
VikSin: and?
AlfaRomeo66: and u explained about panda so well, u have helped me love him even more
VikSin: that is all I was doing Marilyn
AlfaRomeo66: after the talk with me that day, panda cut short his trip to get back home, had the most wonderful time with him
VikSin: yes n u now know why
AlfaRomeo66: yes I have finally understood him vik, thanks to u
VikSin: not me, I am a mere mortal. … it is mother nature who does it
AlfaRomeo66: she sure does, I believe that today.
VikSin: yes we all possess this power. … it is lost in our mundane world that is all
AlfaRomeo66: I believe u now vik, I really do. If I had not seen this first hand I would never have
VikSin: n I heard u cry … no doubt about that in my mind.
AlfaRomeo66: yes u sure did
VikSin: sorry it took me some time, because I never thought about u, was worried about dolly in Singapore.
AlfaRomeo66: understand that she has more problems
Master puppeteer making puppet-fingers type. Rationality prompted that the statement could have hurt Marilyn. Time to make amends.
VikSin: listen to me. … u r still my best friend because u were with me when all hell broke loose in my life
AlfaRomeo66: same here vik
VikSin: no matter how many new friends I make u will still be in my heart, n don’t u ever forget that
AlfaRomeo66: not after today, I will never forget it for sure.
VikSin: whenever u want me near u, Marilyn, look at a mirror. … u will see my image there
Master puppeteer making puppet-fingers type.
AlfaRomeo66: can feel u vik, I was uncomfortable with the thought earlier, but not anymore
VikSin: don’t be uncomfy, I am there to help
AlfaRomeo66: I know vik, I feel very naked in front of u, n still don’t mind that, I have nothing to hide from u
VikSin: I know my love, I am there as ur friend, for a long time to come
AlfaRomeo66: yes vik, I know that now
VikSin: don’t u forget that.
AlfaRomeo66: it is like I know u could see all of me, the physical form does not bother me anymore
VikSin: yes that is love of the soul, it was my karma, my destiny to meet u on the Net
AlfaRomeo66: definitely destined
VikSin: among the millions that log on to the Net I had to hook up with u n we have both evolved
AlfaRomeo66: I know I have for sure
VikSin: so have I.
AlfaRomeo66: yes vik, we both have
VikSin: now go wash ur face n I must get back home.
AlfaRomeo66: u do that sweety, thank u once again
VikSin: I did nothing … remember that.
AlfaRomeo66: yes I understand what u mean.
She left after that, my production staff following suit in a few minutes, me in tow; body heading home, head free of all wailing and still pounding.
I took a shower, went to my altar, lit some incense there, and sat before Maa. I was fully conscious of her, and there was no chatter in my mind. I understood all.
It was my destiny to clear my karmic debt with souls that I had been in touch with in a previous life. The Internet was accelerating my progress. I had no desires or fears inside me. I was reaching the state of supreme consciousness. My soul felt free that night.
After awhile I left the altar to sleep in my bedroom, blissfully believing I was in for a night of sound sleep,
blissfully unaware that I had just armed a nuclear bomb and set it on a timer to explode. And soon.
My body was tucked neatly between sheets, the air-conditioner providing much needed relief from the heat, when the sandman came to wish me goodnight. The body became inert just as sandman sprinkled his magic sand, the mind trying desperately to follow suit. Darkness engulfed my eyes, serenity all around me. I felt safe in this vast expanse of inky black nothingness, surprisingly so. For an eternity, I drifted aimlessly and alone. I could sense a glow around me, one that seemed to emanate from me, and soon I had company - the woman in the white, single-piece nightgown who had met me before.
Her hair was open, freshly washed, and blowing in the wind. She was floating in this inky-black nothingness, making her way towards me. As she came closer, my eyes were accosted by hers; they were large and sensual. I had never seen her look this way before. Her floating turned to walking, very feminine, feline, and graceful. The eyes still rested on dark circles, edges crinkled.
Her face was trying hard to project a slight smile to accentuate the sensuality projected by her eyes, amply supported by a sexy walk. I felt myself stop floating, allowing her to come near me. My eyes left her face, raced past her body, resting at her feet. They were large for a woman, a distinct discoloration on the big toe of her left foot, like the toe ring mark. And this time I knew exactly whom they belonged to. And she was within touching distance from me when she stopped. My eyes were forced to leave the feet, face rising to level with her. The sight was enthralling, hair still gently making waves in the still darkness, eyes blazing, smile trying hard to impress me.
Her right hand reached out to trace the counters of my face, the left one still hanging lifelessly at her side. My eyes were trapped by the fire emitting from hers. I feebly returned the smile. Her hand left my face reaching for her left shoulder to the wide strap of fabric that held her gown, her eyes never leaving mine, her smile growing wider. Mine quickly vanished, eyes bewildered at what I was mutely witnessing. Her fingers were reaching under the strap, grasping, her shoulder cringing to allow the strap to fall to the left arm. Instinctively my hand shot out to hold hers, preventing the fingers from dropping the strap, my eyes still locked with hers.
She looked at me with questioning eyes. I made a desperate attempt to speak. No sound came out from me, but there was some coming from her.