Seven Shades of Grey

by Vivek Mehra

  ‘I have waited a long time for you, my love,’ her pouting, sensually sublime lips said. And still no sound came out of me. My hand squeezed the one in its grasp, reversing the journey of the strap, and for the first time my fingers tips sailed across her smooth, flawless skin. My eyes reacted to the startling effect her skin had on me, leaving her face and staring at the bronze membrane. It was beautiful, the likes of which I had never seen before. My face jerked my eyes back to level with hers. My hand was still glued to her shoulder when I felt hers slip out from underneath, mine now resting partly on the strap and partly on bronze-colored flesh. The hand that slipped out fell to her side, while the other made its way to latch on to mine. Slowly it squeezed, making mine release its grasp of the fabric. As her hand tugged mine free it slid along the fabric, making its way from the shoulder to her left breast.

  My hand never reached its intended destination as it jerked itself free from her grasp and an emphatic and loud ‘No!’ escaped my lips.

  The smile faded from her lips and her eyebrows arched. ‘Isn’t this that you want, my love?’ she asked.

  ‘No!’ was a determined, bewildered and audibly clear reply.

  ‘But I thought you loved me?’

  ‘I do, but my love is not this.’

  ‘Oh, please, I know you want to make love to me’ - a matter-of-fact statement made in mock disdain at my refusal.

  ‘No! I don’t,’ came another determined, bewildered and audibly clear reply.

  Her eyes lost their sensuality, narrowing, urging anger to take over.

  ‘Stop playing games with me. First you get me to fall madly in love with you, and now you turn away from me?’

  ‘You were the person who brought Maa to me. I love you as a guru, not as a woman of the flesh. You are Maa to me.’

  ‘What Maa? In this world there is nothing more pure than two humans making love. You confess you love me and still won’t make love to me. I don’t understand you.’ The comment was made without a hint of any lack of understanding.

  ‘My love for you is not of the flesh. I treat you as the one who brought my spiritual mother to me. I treat you as an incarnation of her, nothing less.’

  Her eyes turned up, sarcasm replacing anger. Her hands cupped her breasts from below, trying to offer them to me, as her lips said, ‘So you suffer from an Oedipus complex. You want to make love to your mother? Ok, I will play mummy. Come suckle at mummy’s breast, Baba.’ My mind had no time to think, no time to rebut, no time to gauge the anger that arose inside me, and yet my body reacted faster than my mind did. My right hand swung high in the air away from her, stopping, changing track, racing towards her beautiful bronze-skin covered face, connecting with a resounding crash. It was a clap of thunder that resonated through the inky-black nothingness before dying a natural death. The bronze turned flaming red. The face whipped around its pivot at the neck, turning in the same direction as the traveling palm, hair swinging and then clinging on to her face. Her hand clawed the empty space, desperately trying to prevent her staggering body from falling. And then it whipped back to face me.

  Her eyes spewed fire. ‘You dare slap me? Do you know who I am? Do you know what I am capable of doing? I could destroy you.’ I had had enough of this madness, and in my bewilderment I turned to walk away. I felt a strong hand grasp my shoulder yanking it, and as my body turned around, my eyes caught an arm racing towards my face and a palm come crashing across my cheek. Astonishment was soon followed by sullen silence; a truck mowed down the helpless rabbit caught in the glare of bright headlights. I was too stunned to move a muscle. My eyes threatened to spill their bounty, short gasps of breath fighting to prevent that, anger blazing like an inferno inside me, and I was still too stunned to move a muscle.

  Her eyes continued to blaze, her tongue still laced with sarcastic anger spewing venom at me. ‘I will destroy you. I will take away your peace of mind and will make you miserable.’

  ‘Take your best shot!’ - a thought generated by saner half, drowned by bounty-spilling eyes, gasping lungs and trembling body. I had no answers left inside me, no strength to let saner half fight the battle. And that is when it happened.

  My eyes shot open, awakened by the dull thud of my body falling from my bed onto the cold hard floor of my bedroom. My right cheek stung, a classical symptom of having being slapped. My sweat-covered body turned to get up and my eyes searched for the clock; it read 3 am. I was still bewildered, and bewildered-mind turned towards MAA! I dragged my weary body, heading to the altar. Equally weary arms searched for the light switch, turning it on, reaching for incense sticks, striking a match to light them as eyes raced to seek MAA! My eyes caught the glint emanating from hers. There was a smirk on her face, an all-knowing-smirk.

  My battered soul, housed in a cheek-stinging battered body, asked her for an explanation. There was none forthcoming, the smirk still firmly in place. I sat in front of her, closed my eyes and tried to meditate, failing miserably at my feeble attempt. I opened my eyes and stared at MAA, my cheek still stinging.

  Kali the destroyer continued to smirk at me.

  What had she destroyed tonight?

  Was she trying to tell me something? As I continued to gaze into her eyes, thoughts started racing inside me, muddled at first, soon becoming clear.

  ‘You have conquered most of your desires. That is all that you need to know, believe and understand.’ And I could not understand. The woman in my dream had been beautiful. I believed it represented Dolly Nair. But she would never do this to me. She was married, and though she had problems with her husband, she had not abandoned him. She would not seek love of the flesh from another. I was sure of that. Then who was it?

  Had I unknowingly sent the wrong message to someone? I tried to think of all the women in my life. I had seen pictures of Marilyn, Reshma and Aviva. This woman did not look like any one of them. I had met Bindu in real life, and my wife Dolly I had known for years. The woman in my dream was none of them. My mind could not make a match. It had to be Dolly66 - Dolly Nair, decided Rationality at its simplest and best.

  My heart refused to believe this. She and I had set out on a path of spiritual quest. Love of the soul had nothing to do with love of the flesh. Rationality prompted that Dolly66 knew that my body and soul belonged to my wife. It was my temple and Maa the deity residing in it.

  How could the woman who kindled the spark of learning in me revert to pleasures of the flesh and, more importantly, seek them from me? I just could not reconcile this.

  I trudged back to bed, tucking my body between sheets, trying desperately to get comfortable, inviting sandman. I snatched a few moments, sound sleep evading me as I tossed and turned. The new day was Sunday, my day of rest, and yet I was restless. I digressed from my normal routine, heading towards the office to log on to the Net. I needed some answers, and the only one who could provide them was Dolly66.

  I tried to log on to the Net, but the server would not allow me to connect. I tried for an hour before I gave up. I called the help desk of my service provider only to be informed that there was a fault in the main grid, a routine maintenance problem, which would take a few hours to repair. I tried calling Dolly66 in Singapore, the phone ringing continuously, providing no relief to my restless body and soul. There was nothing else that I could do. I went back home trying hard to catch up on sleep, but every time my head rested on the pillow my cheek stung.

  In the evening, I checked with my service provider only to be told that the fault still plagued the Net. I tried to call Singapore more than a dozen times only to be greeted by the same constant ringing sound. My mind was still a little uneasy, but then I had complete faith in Maa and the new supreme consciousness that I thought I now possessed. I sought relief in meditation, working out at the local gym, but as nightfall arrived I was still troubled. As a last resort I lay my thoughts at MAA’s feet, believing that true relief would only come from there. And as always, it did.

  I dined alone that night and did not fee
l the urge to drown my thoughts in beer. I performed my nightly ritual of lighting incense at the altar and meditated for a while. My heart was reposed, and I went to bed again. As soon as I drifted into sleep I saw the massive inky-black void again. And the woman was already there, waiting for me.

  This time there were tears streaking down her beautiful face, and her eyes were swollen. She had been crying for a while. Remarkably though, I was a personification of perfect serenity. As she neared me she reached out and held my hands in hers.

  ‘Please Vikram, just once make love to me, and I will not ask for anything more.’

  ‘No, I can’t do that,’ I replied in a voice that was supremely confident.

  ‘Please, I beg of you.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Even if it is just for me?’ she asked.

  ‘I can’t lose all that I have found in my quest for spiritual enlightenment, can’t let go of all that I have achieved.’

  She did not reply as her head bowed before me.

  ‘Then you will have to suffer. I will have to leave you, and you will hunt for me.’ Her voice was soft this time around. It was a matter-of-fact statement more than anything else.

  ‘If that is my destiny then even you cannot change it,’ I replied.

  ‘We could have been so good together. I would have left the world for you.’

  ‘I am sorry. I cannot leave my path to Maa for you.’

  ‘Then you will suffer!’ she screamed at me as her head whipped up, her blazing eyes ready to burn me to cinders if they only could. The anger in them was immense. Her hand reached out to slap me. This time, though, it did not reach my face, as I firmly stood my inky-black-nothingness-ground. She began to fade into the darkness, trying desperately to stay but foundering. In a few seconds, she was gone.

  I woke up with a start and instinctively checked the clock. It was 6am. I had slept for almost eight hours now. A nuclear bomb was loaded on to a bomber far far away.

  I did not feel any anxiety and was surprisingly fresh as I headed for work.

  The bomber took off.

  It was a Monday; it had to be. I quickly finished my work and tried to log on to the Net. The server was back online, and within minutes Yahoo Messenger was up. There was an offline message from Dolly.

  Dolly66: I want out of this friendship. I wish all the best to you and dolly. Please don’t email me or try to call me - dolly nair.

  The bomber was in flight, flying high above its target, and the bomb bay opened.

  The time the message was sent was startling. It read 6:28am Indian Local Time – just 28 minutes after I had woken from my startling dream.

  Was this a coincidence? My mind was in turmoil.

  This could NOT be happening to me!

  Inside me the sea of tranquility started to churn, fanned by furiously blowing winds of anger. And then, as if by some divine intervention, a message flashed on my screen: it was Messenger telling me that Dolly66 had just logged in. The storm was in full bloom, angry winds churning the ocean, seeking answers. A small riverboat of rationality appeared, bobbing helplessly in unfamiliar waters.

  VikSin: I have a message on my screen. please tell me you did not send it.

  Dolly66: I sent it.

  VikSin: why?

  Dolly66: I be back bapu but I have to leave u for now.

  VikSin: no more games please. tell me what happened …

  Dolly66: I cannot explain now, I have to go

  VikSin: go where?

  There was no reply.

  VikSin: answer me, please.

  Dolly66: I will be back

  The storm was uncontrollable; waves rising in mile-high crests and troughs, the hapless little riverboat tossed around, doomed to be consumed and yet desperately trying to stay afloat.

  The bomb harness started letting go of its payload.

  VikSin: I told u when I first met u, if something I said upset u then talk it out with me … don’t leave

  Dolly66: I am the one walking alone

  VikSin: why?

  Dolly66: I don’t think any answer will explain things. … I will figure things out and be back

  With those words she was gone before I could type another word to her.

  And the boat sank, consumed by a mile-high wave.

  The bomb harnesses were ready to let go of their payload; the push of a button, a command from the pilot, was all that was needed.

  I banged my hand on my desk, and my startled secretary rushed into my office.

  ‘Everything OK, sir?’

  ‘Yes. I would like a cup of coffee please,’ I replied, a comical picture of embarrassment and rage.

  ‘Right away, sir.’ She closed the door as she let herself out.

  I rested my elbows on my desk and nestled my aching head in my palms. It throbbed like a million jackhammers let lose. I closed my eyes and tried to think this one through, but the storm had consumed the boat of rationality, plunging it ever deeper into the depths of a never-ending ocean.

  What had I said or done to warrant this?

  Was this a new cat-and-mouse game being played?

  Something had triggered this reaction from her, and why could I not put my finger on it? I opened my eyes and stared at the monitor.

  The bomber was still in flight, bomb bay doors open, harnesses off, and the bomb ready for release. Then a lightning bolt hit my brain.

  I was still connected to the Net. Instinctively I headed to my mail server to check for email. There was one dated the previous day from Dolly66. I clicked it open, the button was pushed by unseen hands and the bomber let go of its payload. As the screen opened up in front of me a nuclear bomb was on its way, whistling through the atmosphere, laser-guided motion seeking its target.

  Hey! What’s up?

  I want to tell you that first off I am not a religious person. So in me No Maa or anyone. God for me is the truth the intelligence we use to know what is what in life.

  Pls do not get me wrong. i cannot believe there are supernatural powers. That is fear in my opinion. You may or may not be upset or wonder why I write like this now. But am on my own now and want to find out the truth but u always have me as a friend and at any time pls understand u can come and say hi.

  I feel the need to write so I did. Nothing to do with you or Maa or anyone.

  Tell dolly hello from me and take care. You can come to Singapore anytime both are welcome to my house, anytime.

  Take care

  bye

  cheers

  dolly nair

  Although there was an explosion, the nuclear bomb was far away from its target, still whistling through the air. It still had far to go, was yet to explode.

  The raging winds disappeared in a flash, the sea still choppy as anger left and bewilderment took over. My brain was stuck at just one thought: God is a manifestation of fear?

  I could not believe Dolly66 had typed these words. But the email was there as plain as daylight for me to see. The sea remained choppy and confused, clueless of what to do next. I downloaded the message to read it over and over again. I logged off from the Net and sent for my secretary.

  ‘No, calls today, please,’ I said.

  ‘But sir, you have … ’

  ‘I don’t care who it is, no calls. Cancel all my appointments for the day.’ I did not let her finish. She saw the look in my eyes and did not further the discussion. She walked out of my office closing the door behind her.

  God is a manifestation of fear!

  I could have handled these words coming from anyone except from the one who had sent them to me. How could Dolly66 make such a statement? After all that she and I had been through, what had triggered her mind to say this?

  My brain went numb. I read the email over and over again, and out of sheer exhaustion I closed my eyes, leaned back in my chair and fell asleep. I could not even dream. My senses were all shut down. No thoughts came, or even if they did I could not remember them. I had lost my mentor on the Net. I woke up
when the phone rang on my desk. I did not answer it, so my secretary did. My mind went back to the email that was still on screen, a zillion questions racing through it.

  Is this the woman through whom Maa chose to show herself to me?

  Was this the same woman that my Professor had visited to reach out to me?

  Were the last few weeks a cruel joke?

  An ache arose in my heart and a lump formed in my throat. I looked at the picture of Maa on my desk and I wept. I could not see the picture clearly as my tears blurred my vision. I wiped them and tried to focus on her image. All I could see was the color red that made up most of her image. She was cloaked in blood and had lost her characteristic bluish-black. The tears did not stop.

  I had been honest from the start. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to help those who got in touch with me. Yet why did I hurt so much?

  I sipped some water from the glass on my table and tried to calm my mind. The last few weeks had not been a dream. I had to convince myself of this. I opened every email that Dolly had sent me and read them again. In every one of them she had mentioned her understanding of Maa and why she and I would grow old together in this path that we shared. In every email she had mentioned that she loved me more because she understood my spiritual side. In every email the tone was of love. And then there was the one I had received today.

  It just did not make any sense.

  I was numb with sorrow.

  The rest of the day was spent in solitude, as I did not log on to the Net. I did not meet anyone in my office, and my secretary steered clear of me. My staff could sense that I was upset, a frown plastered on my face warning all to stay away. As evening arrived I made one last desperate attempt to set things right. I wrote Dolly66 an email begging forgiveness for a wrong that I did not understand or know I had done. I asked her just to explain what she meant by leaving me alone and walking. I asked how she would get back to me. Sending it brought no relief, for I knew there would be no reply. And the bomb still whistled through the air, honing in on its target.

  I headed home early, went to my altar and lit some incense. I looked at Maa and there was a smirk on her face. I wanted to reach out and throw the picture out the window. Why had my mother hurt me so much? I was losing faith in her. How could she allow me to interact with such a person? Was Dolly66’s most recent email a lie, or were the previous ones parts of a charade? It did not matter. The point was simple – why me?