Seven Shades of Grey

by Vivek Mehra

  I got up from the altar in a huff and left for my bedroom, changing into my nightclothes and going to bed hungry. My appetite had left me a long time ago. That night I tossed and I turned, trying to recite the mantras that had earlier brought me peace of mind, but this time around I could not even remember them. I was so devastated with that one statement that I forgot all the knowledge that I claimed to have read, understood and practiced. The effect that Dolly had on me was devastating. My body felt as if it had been through a wringer. Out of sheer exhaustion, I passed out. All through the night the bomb whistled, making a beeline towards its target, a target that thought it had already been destroyed, not knowing a nuclear bomb was on the way to annihilate it completely.

  I dreamed again that night. A series of dreams came and went; I could not remember any one of them when I awoke. My head was heavy and my body ached. I had slept with my air-conditioning on full, and yet I had woken up to find my body soaked in sweat. I had no energy left in me.

  Tuesday morning came and I was still in bed at 10 am. I had woken up from sleep at six but just did not feel like going to work. The phone rang: it was my secretary who wanted me at the office, as there were some faxes that needed my attention. I tried to wiggle out of it but she insisted I get there. I knew she would not insist if she felt she could handle my absence. I had to get back to work.

  I took a shower and stood for a while under the cold water. It felt good. The ache in my head subsided a bit but did not leave me completely. I tried to gain control of my mind, and I could tell I was making some progress. I stepped out of the shower, dried my aching body and opened my cupboard to get some clothes. As I opened the door a couple of books that I stored on the top shelf fell down. I bent down to pick them up and stared at the book that was lying on top of the pile.

  It was one that had gone out of print in the early 1950s. I had acquired this copy from a seller of waste paper. I had forgotten all about it. The book dealt with psychic phenomena and was a bible of sorts for every student of the occult. I reached out, took the book in my hand and felt a surge of power traveling up my arm. It felt good but my body still ached. I forgot about my clothes as I held the book close to my chest. There was a lot of positive energy that flowed from there to me. I was getting my strength back. And the bomb was getting closer.

  I knew I did not have time to read it, as I had to attend to work at the office. I made a mental note to read it when I got back and placed it on the top shelf along with the others that had fallen. I put on my clothes and headed to the office. On the way I felt the first pangs of hunger. I had skipped dinner the previous night and had forgotten to have breakfast this morning.

  As I entered my office I saw my secretary staring at me. She was still wondering about yesterday. I smiled at her and asked her to order me some breakfast along with a pot of her best coffee. She smiled back and I felt much better. Hoping against hope, I logged into my email server consciously avoiding Messenger. There was a message from Dolly66. The bomb whistled closer. I clicked it open.

  Bapu,

  U now beg for forgiveness of something u claim u don’t know what u have done. So why beg for forgiveness? I am only sorry that I could not tell u the truth earlier but since the chat with imthi I have always wanted to. He is a very good friend and told me to tell u the truth. See I was going thru lots of problems in my life n imthi helped me n then u came online with me. I liked to talk to u because imthi was very busy with projects. But afterwards when I would talk to him he would tell me to be honest with u, imthi was upset about u calling me ‘my love’ because I call him that. He has helped me like no one else has b4 n I love him. In conference that day he wanted to be sure there was nothing between u n me even though I told him that.

  I called u Baba because I call everyone that. But every time I chat with u I get the feeling I am talking to my father, always giving me advice of what to do and what not to do. U cannot understand everything that I have been thru with my life and still u have advice for me. That is why I call u Bapu, the father who knows it all.

  I don’t believe in ur MAA KALI or professor, yes I made a fool of u. For that I am very very sorry. I don’t believe that any supernatural power controls us n I know I told this before. I cannot understand how ur wife can tolerate u chatting with other women and also hunting for a man who has been dead for years. Vikram people don’t come back from the dead, it is useless to believe that anyone can actually see dead people.

  But now imthi will come to Singapore n I will leave Prem because I cannot live any more lies. I don’t believe anything happened between u n me. I don’t think that there were any dreams that connected us, it was just both of us being stressed and mind being overactive we saw things that we wanted to see. U r a nice man n I am sorry I took u for a ride but it was good while it lasted. By sending offline messages n imthi seeing them he was scared to lose me to someone else n so now he is ready to marry me after I leave prem. I am happy things have worked out nicely n little sad that u were made fun of. If u n ur wife come to Singapore u can stay with us, I will be moving to bigger house after my new marriage, I hope I can make it up to u in this small way.

  Can u please forgive me?

  Cheers

  Dolly Nair

  Achilles had his heel, Samson his hair. My very reason for existence was my belief in MAA and Professor, and that is where I was assaulted. The nuclear bomb hit its target, exploding on contact. A blinding flash, intense energy released, a mushroom cloud raced skywards, annihilating everything in its path, in the air, on land and most importantly in my head. The world around me spun uncontrollably; the last I remember was collapsing in my chair.

  ‘Mr. Singhal?’ a feeble distant voice called out.

  ‘Mr. Singhal!’ it emphatically yelled at me.

  My eyes flickered open.

  ‘Huh?’ I heard the mutter escape my throat. My eyes saw my secretary, hand on my shoulder, shaking my ample frame, trying to resurrect the dead. I saw my office boy petrified and staring at me, a sandwich and coffee mug on a tray held by shaking hands. I started to get up in my chair.

  ‘Are you all right, sir?’ my secretary inquired.

  ‘Huh? Yes, I am ok. What happened?’

  ‘The office boy had brought your breakfast and coffee when he saw you shaking uncontrollably, unconscious in your chair. He rushed out and called me. I tried to wake you and was about to call Dr. Das. Are you ok, sir?’

  ‘Yes I am fine; it must be lack of sleep. I must have dozed off.’

  ‘I have been trying to wake you for the last twenty minutes or so, was really getting worried. Should I get Dr. Das to come over?’ her inquiring voice droned on.

  ‘No, I am sure I am OK; don’t bother Das.’

  The eatables were placed before me, and the two concerned souls left me alone. I was bathed in sweat, involuntary shivers traversing my entire body. My eyes first turned to the screen; I was still logged on to the Net. I downloaded the email and logged off. Instinctively I turned to gaze at MAA; she looked serene although my brain had short-circuited. My numb soul wanted to ask her what it was all about; yet no thoughts flowed through me. A thousand jackhammers working, a million flashbulbs flashing and a zillion carpenters hammering could not reproduce the din in my brain at that very moment. My body continued to shudder involuntarily and I was fighting desperately to control it. A quivering hand reached for the sandwich, alternating picking up the coffee mug.

  I quietly munched on my food, drank some coffee and felt a little better, quite like the calm after a raging tornado, an atom bomb explosion. I felt drained and did not feel like working. A giant whirlpool churned every grey cell in my head as I tried to believe the words my eyes read in the email. After a storm and after a nuclear holocaust, survivors try to gather whatever little they can; a futile attempt to put together their shattered lives. That is what my brain started doing.

  A couple of hours later, I had harnessed enough to excuse myself for the day and went home.

&n
bsp; I reached home and went straight to my altar. The image of Maa was expressionless. There was no smile or smirk that I could see. Perhaps she was angry with me. I lit incense sticks and sat before her, closed my eyes and tried to meditate. I was still numb, but not as much as I had been earlier in the day. Nothing happened. I sat motionless for some time. My legs started to fall asleep, so I opened my eyes and tried to get up. I felt weak but was still in control of my senses. An hour later I had bathed and made dinner. Cooking was a stress-buster with me, and I felt a lot better. Around 10 pm Dolly called from Allahabad.

  ‘Hi fatso, how are you?’ she asked.

  ‘I am fine, waiting for you to come,’ I replied.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘I am. Why do you ask?’ She knew me so well.

  ‘I could not sleep last night. I missed you so much. You sure you are not running a temperature or something?’

  ‘No, I am fine. Not to worry,’ I lied.

  ‘You are lying. I could feel that you were not well last night, and you sound very low even now.’

  ‘I am being honest. You can check with our friends in the building. They will tell you there is nothing wrong with me. I am low because I miss you.’

  ‘I trust you. Anyway I am arriving in two days as my ticket was done by the agent for that day.’

  ‘Oh great! The sooner the better.’ I tried to laugh.

  ‘I know. I’m a little sad at leaving Dad and Mom but happy that I will be with you soon.’

  ‘I know, sweetheart, I have been missing you a lot.’

  ‘Liar, I’m sure you were having a good time on the Internet while I was away.’

  I laughed feebly. ‘I’ll tell you all about it when you get here.’

  ‘OK, and don’t you fall ill now. I will come there and beat you.’

  ‘Come tonight, I promise I will be OK.’

  ‘I wish I could, but in two days.’

  ‘I love you, sweetheart.’

  ‘I love you, fatso.’

  I put down the phone and felt much better. My wife was my strength. She could feel my soul, sense my pain hundreds of miles away. She knew that I was upset or unwell but did not prod or probe over the phone. In two days she would be here and I could hold her in my arms again. And I started regaining my strength.

  That night I slept better than the previous night, a short-circuited brain desperately trying to recuperate. I still tossed and turned, but sleep did not evade me. Early next morning I woke up feeling much better and the first thought that crossed my mind was to read the book on psychic phenomena. I made tea and toast and settled in my favorite chair, the book in hand. Its words are still engraved in my mind. I had read them all before, but that day I understood them completely.

  ‘There is a very thin line between being psychic and psychotic.’ How relevant this was to me the past two days! I read on.

  Forces of nature surround us all. Their inherent nature is to do good. But people who unleashed these forces did not understand the power they possessed. Like a double-edged sword, this power could cut away the forces of negativity when used properly, and cut you if used unwisely. I had been through this on the Internet. The more I read the more I understood the forces that surrounded me.

  The power of thought came back to me, and I could feel my energy levels rising. I dressed and went back to work. The workload was heavy that day. I just did not find the time to log on, or could it be that I was merely trying to avoid logging on? I was prompted to read the last two emails sent by Dolly66 and yet did not. I was afraid that I would lose control of my sanity if I even attempted to read them. The easiest way out was to forget they ever existed. Suddenly that made me feel better.

  The fear of the Net had receded somewhat, and I wanted to exorcise the last of it by logging on. The opportunity came that evening. I had cleared my desk for the day and settled in front of my computer around 6pm.

  As soon as I opened Yahoo Messenger a flood of messages greeted me from Marilyn and Reshma. I was stunned with what I read. While reading these messages I did not notice that both of them were online at that very moment. Two private windows opened up on my screen with messages from both my dear friends.

  AlfaRomeo66: vikram, can u read me?

  Delta2000: hello stranger.

  I typed first to AlfaRomeo66:

  VikSin: yes I can read you Marilyn. … was just reading yr messages.

  I then typed to Reshma:

  VikSin: hi mirchee … nice to see u after such a long time.

  A message returned from Marilyn:

  AlfaRomeo66: I don’t care who is online with you. please ask them to go away. I need to talk to u, NOW.

  Another message came in from Reshma:

  Delta2000: I need to talk to you. please be online at 9pm today, can u?

  To Marilyn I typed:

  VikSin: give me a minute Reshma is online will say bye to her

  To Reshma I said:

  VikSin: ok I will be there

  AlfaRomeo66: will wait for u

  Delta2000: ok I will go now, but please be here at 9pm.

  Reshma logged off and was gone. I returned to Marilyn.

  VikSin: will meet her online at 9pm, she has gone for now.

  AlfaRomeo66: good. I needed to talk to u

  VikSin: am here, talk to me

  AlfaRomeo66: since yesterday I have been very upset.

  VikSin: about what?

  AlfaRomeo66: let me finish, please

  VikSin: ok listening

  AlfaRomeo66: I have been trying to get u to talk to me as I could sense u were unwell or in pain

  VikSin: I read ur offline messages

  AlfaRomeo66: I left those yesterday … it was as if I could see u in great danger

  VikSin: and?

  AlfaRomeo66: and a lot of pain … I went to the mirror as u had asked me to, n I saw u there, but u were as white as a ghost

  VikSin: listening

  AlfaRomeo66: for a moment I thought that some great tragedy had befallen you … was very relieved to see u online, must confess … I thought u were very ill or had an accident … was very worried

  VikSin: u saw me?

  How does one start rebuilding after a nuclear holocaust?

  The answer to the one I had experienced came to me through the words of my loved ones; my healing process was given a much-needed boost.

  I was not very surprised by Marilyn’s statements. I knew I had a karmic connection with her. The state I had been in would surely have reached her, and she had felt my pain.

  AlfaRomeo66: I sure did n that is why I was very worried … tell me what happened yesterday … am very concerned … no first tell me are u ok?

  VikSin: yes I am fine now

  AlfaRomeo66: is dolly ok?

  VikSin: which one?

  AlfaRomeo66: YOUR WIFE stupid … am not bothered about anyone else

  VikSin: she is fine, she called me last night n she will be with me in two days.

  AlfaRomeo66: that is good. now tell me what happened yesterday … am very worried

  VikSin: ok here is what happened. … dolly from singapore left me

  AlfaRomeo66: how come?

  VikSin: I don’t know what happened but yesterday there was a message in yahoo that she was leaving me

  AlfaRomeo66: start from the beginning.

  VikSin: well u know up to the fact that she n I had become close, spiritually

  AlfaRomeo66: I know a little bit about it

  VikSin: ok will tell you the details in an email first. U read it n then will log in with u ok?

  AlfaRomeo66: ok, will wait for it, but am online … don’t go away without talking to me. I have cleared my decks for u

  VikSin: thanks a ton Marilyn. I know I can count on u

  AlfaRomeo66: vik, u r family now, n when a member of the family hurts, the others gather round to help … I saw u very vividly in the mirror n was very worried …

  I was touched to the core. I knew my wife would have felt my pa
in, but Marilyn sitting in far off Canada had felt it too. I was truly blessed.

  The next half-hour was spent penning the mail to Marilyn. As was the practice with me, I had logged off and typed it offline. I did not send her any copies of emails exchanged with Dolly66 but told her the sequence of events as they happened. I left out the dream of the woman in white. I don’t know why I did that, but I came to know that there was little that I could hide from Marilyn. I finally ended it with the contents of the last email I had received.

  I logged on to the Net and sent her the email. She was still online and told me to stay online while she read it. I stared at Messenger for ten minutes before a reply came from Marilyn.

  AlfaRomeo66: I have read what u wrote

  VikSin: and?

  AlfaRomeo66: is there anything more that u need to tell me?

  There was, but I did not want to tell her.

  VikSin: not really, the only things I have left out are the actual emails between us n the chat sessions that I have saved

  AlfaRomeo66: I don’t want to see those, any other incidents that u could recall

  VikSin: not really

  AlfaRomeo66: ok here is something that I have to say

  VikSin: listening

  AlfaRomeo66: vik I have known u for almost a year now

  VikSin: true

  AlfaRomeo66: I have known u to be clear in yr thought n what u want from life

  VikSin: true

  AlfaRomeo66: at first I thought u wanted something from me, probably some sort of cyber sex or something, but I came to know that u were above that

  VikSin: listening

  AlfaRomeo66: I used to be scared n intimidated but I grew to understand u … for the very first time my husband also grew to like a friend of mine on the Net. … I never thought of introducing anyone else, before u n till now u r the only one that I have thought fit to introduce

  VikSin: thank u

  AlfaRomeo66: its true … n u have helped me understand my husband, my family n myself