Possession

by Johnson, A. M.

  I waved and just as I past Liam’s station I said, “I’m out, I’m headed to pick up the painting.”

  Liam shut off his machine and raised his head. His purple gloves were covered in ink. “You framing at our place or Mom’s?”

  “Mom’s.”

  “Kieran taking you?” he asked.

  “Yeah, he’s waiting for me out front. Ronnie said she’s got the desk. I’ll see you later?”

  He nodded. “I’ll be around. I might go out to Bellows tonight though, that weird as fuck band I like is playing. Maybe if you finish early you and Kieran can come out.”

  “Maybe.” My phone vibrated in my hand, and when I looked down Paige’s name flashed across the lock screen. “See you later.”

  He lifted his chin before bringing his attention back to the half-naked customer lying across his table. As I moved to the front door I opened the message.

  Paige: When you tell someone you are going to text them later it usually means later that same day… just an FYI.

  I laughed.

  Me: I’m sorry, did I make you worry?

  It wasn’t right, but I liked that she might’ve worried. If she was worried then that meant she had something to lose, and if losing me scared her… I knew we’d be okay, because I wasn’t going anywhere.

  Paige: Yes.

  Hurt her.

  Hurt her like she hurt you.

  My smile dimmed as I opened the door to the shop. I’d forgotten to take my meds this morning, and this was the first internal stimulus I’d had in twenty-four hours. When I was with Paige, I didn’t need them as much. I didn’t like how they dulled my senses. When I was with her, everything felt magnified and it felt too fucking good. So good I’d completely spaced taking my pills today.

  Kieran was at the curb and as I got into the truck he asked, “Why do you look like someone just punched a kitten?”

  “Nothing, just drive.”

  He didn’t respond to my irritated demand, instead he turned off onto the road.

  Me: I’m sorry that you worried.

  She responded immediately.

  Paige: I’m being a girl, it’s okay.

  I smiled at my screen as I typed.

  Me: Are you avoiding my question? Now I’m starting to worry.

  I pictured her in my head. Standing behind the counter at the gallery. Her phone in her hand, her head tipped down, and her mouth spread into a coy smile. I hoped her hair was up so I could see the fine strands that had fallen loose dust the slope of her neck. That was my favorite thing. Every time I was near her, all I wanted to do was lean in and inhale.

  Paige: What question?

  I laughed again and I noticed Kieran glance at me from the corner of my eye.

  Me: Are you at the Gallery? I’m on my way there.

  Paige: I am.

  I hadn’t realized how anxious I was until she confirmed that she was there. The knots in my shoulders untied. Kieran hit a pothole and I raised my gaze. He was pulling into the back lot of The Gallery.

  Me: Parking now.

  Paige: I’m the blonde in the overalls.

  I grinned. Paige was emerging again in the fun, light planes of color that had always seemed to brighten my shadows, meds or no meds.

  “You want me to wait out back or come in?” Kieran asked as he cut the engine.

  I pointed to the emergency exit. “Wait there, I shouldn’t be too long. I’ll have Paige turn off the alarm. It will be easier than trying to maneuver it through the store.”

  “You don’t want help packing it?” He lifted his right eyebrow.

  I wanted as much time with Paige, just me and her, as possible. I didn’t want my brother to make her uncomfortable. “Nah. I got it.”

  He shook his head. “Alright, just text me if you change your mind, I’ll head in.”

  I nodded as I turned to head around the front. The sun was already setting and, as I walked toward the front door of The Gallery, the street lamps lit, illuminating my path to her. The chill in the air didn’t faze me as I stopped in front of the window to the shop. She was laughing with Chandler behind the counter. Her hair was up, like I had hoped, and she was wearing a short sleeve, white t-shirt under her worn overalls. She was warm with flushed cheeks and rose-colored lips. I caught my own reflection in the glass of the window. The dark circles under my eyes were gone and my irises swirled with specks of green and white. She was changing me.

  She caught me staring and her smile turned timid as she bit the side of her lip. I ran my hand through my hair as I opened the front door. The bell jingled somewhere in the background of my mind as I made my way through. The overalls she had on were spotted with paint, and I wanted to know what she’d been working on. I wanted to know what she was thinking as she watched me approach her. Her chest rising and falling a little bit faster with every step. I wondered if she noticed how Chandler looked at her. He saw what I did. He saw the spectacular work of art standing behind the counter and he wanted her, but she was oblivious because all she wanted… was me.

  “Hey, Declan, I didn’t hear you come in.” I kept my eyes on Paige as Chandler continued, his voice a little less confident than before. “I was just going to call you today, I need you to move your piece, I’ve got another renter.”

  “Hi.” Paige’s voice made my lips turn up into a smile.

  I braced the counter with my hands and nodded at Chandler. “Paige and I are boxing it up today.”

  “Paige?”

  “Yeah, you still have those preassembled shipping crates?” I asked not missing his confusion. He wanted to know why Paige was looking at me like he wished she would look at him.

  “Yeah, they’re in the back, I’ll show—”

  “I got it,” Paige chimed in with a wicked smile, and her eyes teemed with excitement.

  We both ignored Chandler’s stare as she made her way around the counter. She took my hand in hers and all the blood in my head rushed and pounded as I leaned down and kissed her once on the lips. “I’ll never make you worry again,” I whispered only for her to hear.

  She bumped me with her hip and grinned. “Come on, I’ll show you where the packing supplies are.”

  She led me back to the studio and once we were inside, she gave me instructions on where the packing supplies were in the storeroom. I’d asked her to disable the back door alarm for Kieran, and she didn’t seem to mind that he was here. Everything was set out and ready to go by the time she turned off the alarm.

  She stood in front of me, her head down, and I took her hand in mine. “I was afraid I scared you off.”

  “Not going to happen. I should’ve texted you, but I guess I didn’t want to crowd you.” I lifted her chin with my free hand.

  “Please, by all means, crowd me.” She smiled. “It’s hard because I know this is new, but it feels like it’s not… time passed, things have changed, but it’s still just me and you.”

  We couldn’t pretend like nothing had ever happened. Things had changed. She was fragile, and I was terrified of breaking her, but as her eyes searched mine, I could see her point. Underneath all the bullshit… it was just us, me and her, and starting from scratch was impossible. I leaned down and let my nose graze the slope of her neck. I inhaled her scent of rain and powder. She was still Paige. Scent and smile, color and soul, and as I brought my lips to her cheek, then her nose, and finally her mouth, I kissed the girl I had always loved.

  I leaned back so I could see into her eyes. “I don’t want to start all over, I still love you. You from nine years ago, and you now.”

  She expelled a shuddered breath. “I like that you know the not-so-bright spots of my soul, and you still love me regardless of them.”

  “I love you even more because of them.” I squeezed her hand and the excitement from earlier nearly brimmed over her lashes. “It’s impossible to think when you look at me like that.”

  “Like what?” She tilted her head slightly and furrowed her brows.

  “Your eyes, any l
ingering color of regret… reluctance. It all vanishes and all I can see is you. You looking at me like I’m the only thing that matters.”

  She pinned me with those sure, bright blue eyes. “To me, you’re everything.”

  “So you guys are an item then?” Lana twirled her lo mein around her chopsticks with ease.

  My head had continued to swim long after Declan had left The Gallery, even after I’d come home for the evening. Declan and I had packed up the painting, and with Kieran’s help, the process had gone too fast. He’d been there one second and then gone the next. His lips had been too brief, and as much as I liked Kieran, I’d wished he would’ve stayed outside.

  “Paige?” Lana giggled. “Did you hear me?”

  Walking on air had always been a side effect of Declan’s kisses, but now his mouth promised more… his touch promised sin and relief, delicate and rough. I wanted all of him. I brought my fingertips to my lips; they still felt raw.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Yes, you’re an item, or yes, you heard me?” She scooped another huge bite of noodles into her mouth.

  “Yes. We’re together. Again.” I smiled and shook my head. “Is it crazy?”

  “No, not if it makes you happy. I’m just glad you guys are working through things. It’s healthy, especially after all you’ve both been through. What changed from last night?”

  Lana and I had dinner last night at this weird restaurant that one of her many conquests had taken her to once. Everything was picked fresh from the chef’s garden, made to order. The place was small, homey, and it felt like we’d been eating dinner in some stranger’s house. Only four tables, very exclusive. Lana seemed to know the chef personally. We’d talked a little bit about Declan, but then, everything hadn’t been fully processed. And when he didn’t text me, I’d thought for sure he’d chosen to pull back. I’d thought maybe he wasn’t ready. But today, at The Gallery, it felt like old times. We’d laughed and smiled, and teased and flirted. His brother watched us with a huge grin on his face. We weren’t kids anymore, and navigating this new us… it was going to be interesting.

  “I can’t really pinpoint it, Lana, but something clicked today. We… we love each other, and it’s new but it’s not. See, it’s crazy, do we start over, or just keep going?” I poked my noodles with my chopsticks. My stomach too full of butterflies to eat much.

  “I say fuck it, do both.” Lana’s lips broke into a huge smile and I laughed.

  “Both?”

  “You eat, I’ll talk.” She pushed my plate closer to me and stared. “Eat.”

  I picked up my chopsticks again, swirled the noodles into a ball and popped it into my mouth. She nodded in approval.

  “So here’s my diagnosis. You’re married still, right? But, not really. You never were truly married to Clark. You’ve been…” She held up her hands and made air quotations with her fingers. “‘Married’ to Declan this whole time. You’ve both changed, and yet you’re both a little emotionally stunted from the past.” She looked at me with wide eyes, as if this all had suddenly dawned on her. “So.” She held the syllable longer than necessary and I smiled around my noodles. “I think you can just keep going. Go with what feels right. You guys separated, nine years is a long ass time, so you’ll have to start over on some things, but other things will be the same. You love him?”

  I nodded.

  “Then love him, Paige, and get that asshole ex of yours out of your life.”

  I swallowed the giant ball of noodles. “You’re pretty smart.”

  “I’m a professional student.”

  “Not for long.”

  She groaned. “Don’t remind me.” She stood from the couch and grabbed her wine glass from the table. “One glass? In celebration of the long lost lovers’ reunion?” Her nose crinkled as she smiled.

  Why not. “One glass.”

  “Yes!”

  I giggled as she pranced into the kitchen.

  Declan and I had changed. I was learning to live and he was learning to trust. But, there was absolutely no reason we couldn’t do it together.

  “Clark… he still hasn’t answered yet about the papers?” Lana handed me a glass of white wine and sat next to me on the couch.

  Maybe there was still one reason I couldn’t fully commit.

  “No, and my parents are radio silent. It makes me nervous, like the calm before the storm. I keep thinking they’ll just show up and demand that I stay married to him.” I sipped the wine and the sweet flavor surprised me. It was tangy and tasted almost like apples. “This is good.”

  “See, I told you. Jesus didn’t turn water into wine for nothing.” Lana raised her eyebrows as she drank deeply from her glass.

  “You’re going to Hell,” I joked.

  “We can hold hands on the way down.” Her smile was lopsided. “But, in all seriousness. You’re twenty-eight years old, Paige, you never have to talk to your parents again if you feel like that’s the best option. Adult perks… sometimes they’re lovely.”

  Everything she was saying was true. I was an adult. But, at times, I didn’t feel like one. I’d spent so much time trying to be something I wasn’t. I worshipped at an altar that told me I wasn’t good enough. I was married to a man who used me to make himself feel more important, and I had parents who treated me like I was still the teenage girl who had committed an unforgivable sin. I was emotionally stunted. I sipped at my wine and my limbs filled with gauze.

  “I’m an adult,” I whispered.

  “That’s what I just said.” She narrowed her brows.

  “I think… I think it’s time I went home and talked to my parents. It’s time I tell them they can’t control me anymore.”

  “I think that’s the best idea you’ve had since you moved in.” Her grin pulled up at the corners and she appeared almost proud.

  “I’ll call them sometime this week, set up an appointment.” I nodded as a confirmation to myself. I wouldn’t let them scare me, guilt me any longer.

  Lana’s eye brow lifted. “An appointment?”

  “It’s the only way they ever really made time for me.” My parents had always been a little cold, but as they fell deeper into the status of the church, it had only gotten worse.

  “Don’t get mad, but I never really loved your parents. They always seemed good at pretending.” She set her glass down on the coffee table and picked up her plate.

  “They were.”

  I was about to set my glass down and grab a few more bites of my Chinese food when my phone vibrated against the wood of the table. I picked it up with my free hand and saw I had a text from Declan. My breath caught and my stomach flipped. I stood abruptly and the wine in my glass sloshed.

  “It’s Declan.”

  She laughed. “I figured when you almost spilled the wine.” She shooed me with her hand. “I’m heading out soon anyway. Bellows has this amazing band playing tonight. You could come?”

  I raised my glass. “I think one glass of wine is a good start. Bar hopping maybe next week?” My sarcasm was welcomed and she raised her glass.

  “Baby steps.” She smiled and I turned to head to my room.

  I waited until I was behind my closed door to breathe. Everything with Declan was moving fast. I was giddy one minute and felt at home the next. I drained the glass in one shot, and set it on my dresser before sitting down on the bed. He’d said he would text me tonight, and I knew he would, but seeing his name on my lock screen, it was ridiculous how happy it made me.

  Declan: Come out tonight.

  It wasn’t a question. It was an offer.

  Me: Where?

  It was only a few seconds before he replied.

  Declan: Bellows. My brothers are dragging me out, but I want to see you.

  He wants to see me.

  I chewed on my lip as I looked in the mirror. The wine had flushed my cheeks and my hair was up in a messy knot. I was in overalls, for crying out loud. Not to mention, I’d never even been in a bar.

&nbs
p; Me: I’d need to get ready, what time?”

  Declan: Come as you are. I’ll be there around eleven.

  I smiled at myself in the mirror.

  Just keep going.

  Me: I’ll be there around eleven.

  I dropped my phone onto the mattress as I stood, calling out to Lana as I opened my door. “He wants me to meet him at Bellows at eleven.”

  “Then get your ass in the shower.”

  Even though I couldn’t see her, I heard it. She was smiling ear to ear and so was I.

  Lana had tried to talk me into another glass of wine, but someone needed to drive. I wished, however, as I walked into Bellows, I’d had the glass after all. I was out of my element and the liquid courage would’ve been nice. The music was metal and bass, and the room was packed from wall to wall. The air was hazy and the clothes were skimpy. I pulled my oversized black sweater at the hem with anxious fingers.

  “Stop it, you look hot.” Lana’s ruby-painted lips broke into a devious smile.

  I had on my dark blue skinny jeans and a black sweater. Lana had pounced after I’d taken the fastest shower of my life. She’d dried and then curled my hair into loose waves. The kohl around my eyes, I felt it was too dark, but she’d said it made me look edgy. Right before we got out of the car, I’d pocketed my ID and debit card as she’d handed me a light pink, sparkling gloss. I’d taken a moment to catch my own reflection, and I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t seem plain for once. I looked... almost sexy. But seeing some of the girls here tonight, with their short skirts and cleavage, maybe I overestimated my sex appeal.

  “I don’t think hot is the right verbiage,” I shouted loud enough for her to hear over the music and crowd.

  “There’s your man…” She pointed just after the crowd parted a bit, and there he was, sitting in the back corner, sketch book on the table, and eyes on me. “And the way he’s looking at you, I think hot is an understatement.” She smacked my ass. “Good luck, let him eat you alive,” she growled in my ear, and I giggled nervously as I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be at the bar.”

  I didn’t drop his gaze as I stepped forward. The color of his eyes deepened as I advanced, and his smile pulled up on one side. I was almost to his table when another woman approached him. His eyes flicked to hers and his smile dropped dead as his jaw set in a tight line. She looked younger than us, her dark black hair was shiny and straight. Her dress fit her curves and as she leaned down to whisper in his ear, my heart stopped. My feet fumbled along the concrete surface of the bar floor as I came to an abrupt halt. The young woman leaned back and seemed to sway on her legs as she placed her hand on his shoulder for support. Did he know her or was she just some girl who’d had too much to drink, hitting on the hot guy in the corner? I smoothed my hands down the front of my sweater, took a deep breath, and swallowed down my unease. His smile… it had been for me.