Possession

by Johnson, A. M.

  My phone vibrated against the top of my dresser startling me. I picked it up and my lips parted into an involuntary smile as Declan’s name flashed on the screen.

  Declan: I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, Kieran is dropping me off and then heading back to the shop. Are you still okay to drive?

  Me: I’m nervous.

  Me: I don’t mind driving.

  Declan: Don’t be nervous, my mom has always loved you.

  He wouldn’t lie to me.

  Me: Okay. I’ll see you soon, getting dressed, love you.

  Declan: Love you, too.

  I threw my phone onto my bed next to the clothes I’d laid out before my shower. I slipped on my underwear and bra, before pulling on my pants. I was filling out my jeans again, and I grinned as I wiggled in order to pull them up all the way. I borrowed an emerald green hoodie from Lana, the color complimented the blonde of my hair and made my skin look like cream. Declan liked my hair best when I let it air dry so I left it down. I scanned the top of my dresser for a hair tie, just in case I wanted it later, and couldn’t find one. I was pretty sure I had a stash of them in my bedside table. I opened the drawer and rummaged through it. I found one just as my fingers touched the cool metal of my wedding band. I gasped softly. I’d forgotten I’d thrown it in the drawer the day I moved in.

  My hand trembled as I picked it up, placing it in the palm of my left hand. It had been made up simple, just a plain, gold band. Clark had said Christ didn’t need treasures or expensive jewels because he had the love of God, and if I truly atoned for my sins I would as well. I’d been so depressed, so far gone, I’d actually thought maybe he was right. I’d thought maybe Clark was a good man, and maybe, eventually, I’d be worthy of God’s forgiveness.

  I dropped the band back into the side table drawer and slammed it shut. My eyes closed as I tried to push back the memory. I didn’t want or need Clark’s version of God. I’d found my peace again, I’d come clean and was moving on, but he still lingered. I’d gotten so wrapped up in Declan, I’d never called again about the papers. It was easy to pretend Clark didn’t exist when I was with Declan.

  There was a light knock on my door and my eyes opened.

  “Yes?”

  “Hey, I’m leaving, will you be back later or are you staying with Declan?” Lana sounded muffled through the wood of the door.

  “I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know.” I raised my voice so she could hear me and to mask the shiver in my tone. That ring… I was still married. Clark was a reality I couldn’t hide from. Not anymore, and not if I wanted to really be finished with him and move forward with Declan.

  “Alright, I’ll be back late, just send me a text.” She knocked on the door twice. “Have fun.”

  “You too.”

  There was no reply, so I assumed she’d left or hadn’t heard me. My heartbeat became rapid as I thought about what I had to do next, what I should’ve done weeks ago. I lifted my phone from the bed with clammy hands, and dialed his number.

  It rang twice before he picked up. “Paige?” Clark’s deep voice vibrated through the phone. He was probably standing in our kitchen… his kitchen, still dressed in his work button down and tie, his dark hair perfectly parted, and his jaw tight with annoyance.

  “When are you sending the papers?” I was surprised how even my tone was, it was almost cold… strong.

  This is forever.

  “Are you in a hurry to head to Hell?” The cruel smile I’d grown accustomed laced every syllable.

  “I just want to be done with it.” Silence. “Don’t you?” I cringed. The question came out sounding like a plea.

  “Maybe I’m not.”

  I exhaled into the phone and I swore I heard him laugh.

  “Stop, this isn’t a game, Clark. Let’s just be done.”

  “Paige, you know how I—”

  “I don’t have time for this,” I interrupted as I looked at my bedside alarm clock, “Declan—” I stopped mid-sentence realizing my mistake.

  “Declan?” He almost growled the name and all the warmth in my body evaporated. “You went back to him… after all the work we did, to help you overcome your sin, you went straight back to the Devil.”

  Anger boiled in my belly, and my eyes pricked with resentment, but I wouldn’t let a tear fall, I wouldn’t let him know how much he’d hurt me. “You have no room to talk, you had an affair. You’re probably still with her. I bet the church counsel loves that.”

  “They excommunicated her for breaking up our marriage.” He was smug.

  “You just threw her away like me.” I was indignant.

  “No, she’s still around. She’s useful on the nights I need her.”

  Bile crept up my throat. “You’re a horrible person.”

  He laughed.

  “And you’re still married to me in the eyes of God, tell me, Paige, does one sin beget another. I cheated, but, now, so have you… you went straight from my bed to his, don’t—”

  I pulled the phone from my ear and squeezed it with every bit of strength I had in my grip as I screamed under my breath.

  I hate him.

  I hate him.

  I hate him.

  “We’re even,” he said as I brought the phone back to my ear.

  “Then give me a divorce.”

  Silence again. His breathing was all I could hear and it increased with each second that ticked by, I’d gotten to him.

  “I’ll bring the papers on Wednesday. I don’t need a whore for a wife.”

  The line went dead. He’d thought his last barb would injure me, but as I lowered my phone from my ear I smiled. He was giving me a divorce. He was done toying with me.

  I won.

  Before I pocketed my phone, I sent Clark a final text, giving him the address of The Gallery and telling him I’d be there all day on Wednesday. I dropped my arms to my side and raised my chin. My eyes on the heavens, I whispered, “Thank you.”

  Declan’s mother’s house was exactly the same. That warmth, that steadfast, deep brown, the dingy walls, the worn carpet… I was home.

  He squeezed my hand with his as we walked into the family room. “She’s gotten frail since Pop died, be prepared,” he spoke quietly under his breath, and I met his eyes with a nod.

  I hadn’t brought up my phone call with Clark on the ride over, Declan was too excited to be bringing me home again. I wanted to just live in the moment. I’d tell him after.

  “Declan, is that you? Did you bring her, honey?” His mom’s voice was the same, but was edged with that certain breathlessness that came with age.

  Declan chuckled as she came out of the hallway and smiled. I gathered myself as her appearance hit me in the chest. I let my mouth mirror hers as she approached me. Her shoulders had rounded so severely she seemed to have shrunk in stature, as if she was bearing a great weight all this time. Her hair was white and short, her skin thin, like vellum, and her blue eyes seemed almost milky in the light. She’d had the boys late in life, but not that late, she’d only be seventy-two if I was remembering correctly.

  “You don’t look a day over seventeen, Paige.” She grinned. “It’s good to have you home.” She took my hand in hers and her bones felt brittle. I held her hand like it was precious glass, hoping some of my warmth would fill her pulse.

  “It’s good to be back. It looks exactly the same,” I said releasing her hand and looking around the room.

  “Is that a good thing?” She laughed and Declan smiled.

  “It really is.” My throat contracted as she stared at me, her smile reaching her eyes. She’d always welcomed me with open arms, unlike my own parents.

  My conversation with Clark had probably been reported back to them. Maybe they’d call me tomorrow so I wouldn’t have to call them. My smile dimmed.

  “Are you okay?” Declan whispered and his minted breath brought me back to a happier place.

  “Just feeling nostalgic.”

  He kissed the side of my head, and I didn�
�t miss how his mother watched us.

  “You always made my Declan smile,” she said.

  “I’m lucky to have her.” He tugged on my hand. “Always have been.”

  “Dinner is on the stove, settle in, and then come help me set the table. I want to hear how you’ve been all these years.” She nodded and turned to walk into the kitchen.

  “I’ll be right there, Mrs. O’Connell.”

  “It’s just Irene, honey, you know that,” she said over her shoulder.

  I giggled, she may have aged more than she should’ve, but she hadn’t really changed at all.

  “I told you she always loved you.” Declan pulled me to his chest and covered my mouth with his. He kissed me until every knot of stress in my shoulders untied. His hands were on the small of my back, and his fingers walked along my spine until they tangled in my hair.

  I pulled away before I moaned into his mouth. “How do you do that?”

  “Kiss?” He raised his eyebrow and smirked.

  I hit his chest. “No.” I shook my head and laughed. “You kiss me like that and I forget the world.”

  “You’re stressed, I can feel it.”

  “What happened to your mom, Declan? She looks ten years older than she should.”

  He took a step back and linked our hands. “She was married to a drunk, she suffered through his death, and it doesn’t help she never tells us anything. She finally admitted to Liam a few weeks ago that she’s been having some heart issues. That’s why Kieran won’t move out, he helps her around the house. She can’t do much.” The color in Declan’s irises went dark, his pupils narrowed, and he squinted just enough that the creases around his eyes deepened. He was hearing them, it was the face he made when the voices began to speak. Guilt being his biggest trigger it seemed.

  “Hey, you all do a lot for your mom.”

  It took him a moment to answer as he sifted through his thoughts. “I know.”

  “Come on, let’s go help her with dinner.” I gave him a small smile.

  His lips spread into a grin. “I had her make your favorite.”

  “Beef stew?” My eyes widened—I died for her stew.

  He nodded. “Kieran went out and bought the Guinness last night. He made me promise to save him some leftovers.” Declan chuckled, his good mood back in place, set firmly in a brilliant smile.

  “Now I’m even more excited.” I laughed as he pulled me into the kitchen.

  Over dinner Declan was quiet as his mother recounted his father’s last days. It was like she never really got a chance to mourn, and a part of me wondered if the guys hadn’t let her. They all had their issues with him, but she’d love him regardless of how he’d lived his life.

  “Enough about all that depressing nonsense. Tell me about you. How’ve you been?”

  My smile waned. My life wasn’t a departure from depression, it had once been the definition.

  The heat of Declan’s hand found mine under the table. The stew bowls were empty, the bread she’d put out half eaten, and for some reason my eyes trained on the crusty crumbs that sat on the tablecloth as I tried to think of where to start.

  “Mom, let’s—”

  “It’s okay.” I squeezed his hand.

  “I got married not too long after Declan and I split. It was what my parents wanted… he wasn’t a very good husband.” I inhaled a shaky breath and pushed through it. His mom’s attention was on me, her eyes soft and open, awaiting my confession. “And, he’s not really a good man either. I got lost there for a while, but I found my way back. We’re getting a divorce. He’s bringing the papers on Wednesday.”

  “He is?” Declan turned to look at me, his brows dipping into a V.

  “He is. I spoke to him today.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” The words were tinted with hurt.

  “I was going to.”

  “I think I’ll clean up.” Declan’s mother stood and we both turned our heads to face her. “Don’t stop working things out on my account. I’ll just throw everything in the sink and make Kieran clean up.” She grabbed our bowls.

  “I can help.” I made an effort to stand, but Declan tightened his grip on my hand.

  “No, no. I’ve got it. Relax, you’re the guest.”

  “We’ll be there in a few minutes, Mom.” He gave her a weak smile just before she left the room.

  He let go of my hand and stood from the table.

  “I didn’t want to ruin dinner, Declan. I was going to tell you tonight, after we left.”

  He raised his hands to his temples and closed his eyes. My heart started to hammer, he’d been having more moments like this over the past few days.

  “Have… have you been taking your meds like you’re supposed to?”

  He didn’t answer and the wrinkles around his eyes multiplied the tighter he held them shut.

  I stood and cupped his cheek with my palm. “What are they saying?” When his eyes opened they were filled with fog. “I’m right here.” I dropped my hold on his face and leaned in, placing my cheek on his chest.

  The sound of his voice rumbled in my ear as he said, “It’s always the same. Some form of fucking doubt.”

  “I was getting ready to come over tonight and I saw my wedding band. I got so caught up in us these past few weeks… I love you and… it was time, so I called him. I told him we needed to just be done with it. He was awful, just like always. He called me a whore…”

  Declan went rigid and his right hand balled into a fist. “He called you a–”

  “It doesn’t matter.” I pulled back and let our gazes collide. “I got what I wanted. He’s letting me go and I get you. I won.”

  The rage in his eyes simmered to a calm gray.

  “You have no reason to ever doubt us, Declan.”

  His fist relaxed and his eyes cleared. “I’m sorry I got upset.” He kissed my cheek.

  When he pulled away I asked, “Have you been missing doses?”

  He dropped his eyes to the floor. “I have. I don’t always like how they make me feel, I’ve been good though, you make it easier to control.”

  “Declan, it scares me when I see the light leave your eyes… I love you too much.” My fear for him choked me.

  I could hear the loud clanging of pots and dishes from the kitchen as he pushed a few strands of my hair behind my right ear. He lifted my chin with his thumb. “I don’t ever want to scare you.”

  “I’m not scared of you, Declan, I never have been. I’m scared I’ll lose you to the void.”

  His eyes searched mine. “Sometimes, it’s easier to forget to take them, because then I can make believe I’m like every other guy. But I’m not, am I? And I fucking hate it.”

  “I don’t want every other guy, I want you and all your colorful crazy.” I smiled and he tugged on my chin with a quiet laugh before he let go. “It’s who you are, but I want you to be healthy… present… here with me.”

  “I promise.” He was serious. “I’ll take them every day.”

  Declan kissed me softly, sealing his promise to my lips.

  “Hey, Dex, when are you heading to The Gallery?” Liam asked as he walked into my station.

  “Getting ready to leave. Why?”

  “I wanted to see if I could come with you, I bought some badass prints for the front of the shop. Chandler called, they came in today.”

  “I could just get them, bring them on my way home,” I offered.

  “I thought you were taking Paige out tonight?” Liam leaned against the wall.

  “I am. That asshole ex of hers is supposed to come by this afternoon, finally give her the papers. I figured she might need to take her mind off shit, so I’m taking her to see a movie at The Broadview Theater.”

  “Sounds romantic.” Liam smirked and rolled his eyes as he pulled a set of keys from his pocket. “Come on, Kieran gave me the keys to his truck. I gotta hurry, my next appointment is in twenty minutes.”

  Kemper was busy working on a detailed sleeve as we
walked to the front where Kieran was talking with the new guy, Bart.

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can. If my client shows up before I do, let her know I’m running late. I shouldn’t be too long.” Liam raised the keys. “Thanks for letting me borrow the truck.”

  “No problem.” Kieran stood and slapped Liam on the shoulder. He was the baby, but the tallest out of all of us. Liam and I were barely six foot tall on a good day, this kid was six-foot-two. “I’m taking Mom to confession tonight, is it okay if I cut out early when you get back?”

  “Sure. Bart, you think you could run the desk?” Liam asked.

  Bart nodded. “It’s not rocket science.”

  I laughed as Kieran raised his hands in protest.

  “It’s a lot of work, somebody has to be the charming one.” Kieran’s mouth pulled into a lopsided grin.

  “Yeah, yeah.” Liam shook his head with a half-smile. “Come on, let’s go, Dex, before this asshole starts spouting off about what a hard ass his boss is.”

  The ride over to The Gallery was only about five minutes. I texted Paige to tell her I was on my way and she responded, letting me know not to hurry. Clark hadn’t stopped by yet and she was worried he wasn’t going to show.

  “He hasn’t shown yet,” I said as we pulled into the parking lot behind The Gallery.

  “Shit.” Liam put the car in park and shut off the engine. “You think you can handle seeing this fuck?”

  “I’m worried he’s not going to show more than anything. She’s off work in fifteen minutes.” I undid my seatbelt and exhaled a harsh breath. “I just want her to be free to do what she wants.”

  “She already is.” Liam furrowed his brow. “That chick is at our place almost every night, she’s not tied to him, Dex. It’s just a piece of paper.”

  It was more than that, Liam didn’t understand. Clark thought he owned her under the laws of God, and I hated that another man could use anything against her like that.

  “I guess it’s the principal then,” I said, as I opened the door and exited the truck.

  Liam shut the cab door as he spoke, “I get that. No other man needs to be pissing on what’s yours.”