Bereft

by Jennifer Foor

  I had to walk out, even though Chad had called my name for me to come back. Hot tears were pouring from my eyes. Nothing could save my job, so I, at least, needed to walk away with what little bit of reputation I still had.

  Once I reached the main cubicle area, I was met with many emotional co-workers. Women were hugging and sniffling, while I could clearly hear some of the guys talking amongst themselves. Some were even on the phone, possibly with family or clients. They gave me disturbed looks and shook their heads. One guy, a techie, ambled over in front of my path. “Did you know? Did you know everything was going to shit?”

  I cocked my neck and gave him a once over. “Did you? Don’t you think I’d have the decency to make it to the meeting if I was aware what was going on? We’re all in the same boat.” I looked around the room and saw others had chimed in on our short conversation. “If I were you, I’d gather your things and leave the building. Take your client list and start making calls. If this is how we’re going down, we’re taking our people with us. Don’t let that little prick take everything from us. We’ve built this company, all of us together. The people we represent will want to stay with us. We have relationships. Use them to your advantage. If the company is going to shit, let’s leave it with nothing worth saving.”

  In unison several people agreed. For a second I felt empowered until I got to my desk and understood what had transpired. I was losing my job. Since I’d been in upper management, I didn’t exactly have a huge client list. I’d passed that torch off to someone below me. I’d be shit out of luck, without a paddle in a very deep pool. They didn’t say how long we were expected to continue, but from my standpoint I was done. Without regard for anyone else, I threw nearly twenty years worth of memories into a small paper box, including some office supplies they’d no longer be needing, and exited on the elevators.

  Chad came running toward the closing doors. “Rachel, wait, please. We need to discuss this like adults.”

  I closed my eyes until I felt the machine operating. There would be no goodbyes, mostly because I couldn’t handle them. I wouldn’t want to. Looking in the eyes of the people who would struggle, lose homes, possibly everything, made me want to commit acts of murder on the little asshole upstairs. I hoped he choked on the large amount of money he’d be receiving for his grandfather’s hard work. Guys like him made me ill. He’d probably invest it all in some gym that would be out of business within a year of opening its doors.

  Because of my shock, I was unable to ask about my benefits, my retirement funds, and any kind of severance, not that it would matter. With a daughter still in college I’d have to struggle to find something else that would pay enough to get me by. I couldn’t let this break me; or end her hopes of graduating from a four year university.

  This was devastating – the end of living comfortably. At my age I’d be fighting people the same age as my daughter for a position. Companies weren’t going to hire a washed up employee when they could pick up someone for half the money as a starting salary, and teach them the basics to get by.

  This was a travesty. All I could think about was going home, putting on a pair of sweatpants and crying until my husband got home, which would be late in the evening. I thought about him holding me; somehow making my fears go away. Grayson was always good about that. He took care of us - of me. He would find a way to make things work. He’d take the stress off me, and convince me we were better off, somehow, someway.

  For the first time since our daughter moved out of the house, I truly needed him. He was the only person in the world to make me feel better about this disaster.

  Chapter 2

  Rachel

  It wasn’t until I made it to the train station when I really lost my shit. I sunk down on a vacant bench and bellowed out sadness. Several people stopped to ask if I needed assistance, but I waved them away from me without explanation. They couldn’t help me, not even my husband could. He’d be as upset about this news as I was. For the time being, I had to keep it to myself¸ at least until I could break the news to him face to face.

  My train ride home was a blur. I spent most of my time convincing myself I’d be okay. I mean, my husband made enough to pay our bills. We would make it work, no matter what we had to cut back on. So long as we had each other, nothing could break us.

  When I arrived at home, I noticed my husband’s vehicle parked the same way it’d been when I left earlier in the morning. He obviously hadn’t left to head to the office yet. It was difficult to step out of my vehicle and know I was the bearer of bad news.

  I walked slowly toward the front door, struggling to get my key inside the hole once there. Finally the door opened, and all was quiet. I didn’t hear the normal sport’s network blaring from the family room, nor did I hear him on his phone. Since I wanted to check my face before searching him out, I headed into the half bath and used the facilities. At the same time, I heard voices coming from upstairs. I cracked the door because I swore I must have been mistaken, yet I was certain. My husband’s voice was predominant. It couldn’t be mistaken for another. The female voice was also familiar. I heard her giggling playfully while they carried on a conversation. Then it became quiet again.

  Nothing, and I mean nothing, can describe how it feels to hear the sounds of your husband kissing another woman. As if my day hadn’t been destructive already, I felt my whole life falling apart in that instant. Fear swept over me, and a million different scenarios played through my mind.

  Was he having an affair?

  Did I know her?

  How long had it been going on?

  Was I so naïve I didn’t see a change in him?

  What would happen next?

  How would I survive?

  How much would a divorce cost me?

  Would I lose the support of my step-daughter if I left him?

  Would she take his side?

  Then there was the grief, and boy did it hurt.

  How could he do this to me?

  To us?

  Why?

  What had I done to deserve it?

  When did our marriage start failing?

  More playful banter could be heard echoing off the high ceilings in the foyer. I covered my mouth in disbelief. This was obviously a scandalous affair. The moans were louder, and I’d be an idiot not to recognize what my husband sounded like when he was getting off.

  “Turn around.”

  “Right here on the steps? Mr. Grayson, you’re a bad boy.” More giggles and thumping. “Twice in one day?”

  “I can’t help it. You make me crazy.”

  The resonances allowed me to envision it playing out. Bile rose to my throat, imagining my husband balls deep inside of another woman, if she could even be called that. I recognized that voice. I knew exactly who she was.

  This child had grown up spending half her time at our house, going on vacations with us, and celebrating holidays. I’d purchased her a Christmas gift since she was ten years old. How could she come on to my husband? Had he come on to her? Was this a mutual attraction? How long had they been fucking around? Did she call him daddy? Did she want to?

  The more my mind wandered, the harder it was to remain silent.

  I sank down to the floor and began to sob again, this time for a whole different reason. Never in my life had I felt so lost, used, and abandoned. Before I knew it the powder room door was being opened all the way. Grayson stood there staring at me, his face red, hair disheveled, and top unbuttoned. Behind him was my daughter’s best friend, Kyla. I wanted to throw up when her eyes met mine, shocked and concerned. She couldn’t begin to understand what she’d done, and how it would impact her friendship with our daughter.

  I pointed to the door, gritting my teeth as the words came out. “How dare you? Kyla, I treated you like a daughter. He’s like a father to you. This is over! Do you hear me? It’s over! Get out of my house! You’re no longer welcome here, and if I catch you anywhere near my family, I’ll tell your parents what you’ve bee
n doing.”

  “We care about each other. Grayson, tell her,” she defended.

  She was lucky I didn’t turn around and grab the lid to the toilet, beating her with it until she was a puddle of nothing but blood. Normal human beings aren’t capable of such violence. We know right from wrong, but in this instance, I totally could have done it without considering the consequences.

  “Rachel, please,” Grayson defended. “It’s not what you think.”

  My finger moved in his direction. “Shut up! Just shut the hell up. Not what I think. Do I look stupid and blind? I want her out of here now!”

  She was crying, not that I gave two shits. I watched her run upstairs, then come back down with a handful of items. She didn’t look back when she exited the home, I know because I watched her every step.

  This was where I tell you I slit his throat and watched him bleed out. Isn’t that what every scorn woman imagines when she catches her husband with another woman?

  Okay, maybe that was a bit brazen. My first inkling was to hit him. I smacked my hands against his chest, pushing him backwards with each blow. My words made no sense as I screamed and cried to his discerning grimace. “How could you? How could you do this?”

  He tried catching my violent arms to keep me from moving. “Would you stop and listen to me?”

  Finally I did as he asked, but not because he wanted me to. I didn’t have the strength. I couldn’t begin to comprehend what was happening, and I didn’t want to. My body was shutting down like it was going into a self-containment mode. I didn’t want to feel anything, so I went blank, like a dormant machine being turned off at the source. “Get out,” I whispered with barely the ability to say it.

  “This is our home. I’m not going anywhere. I was curious, that’s all. It won’t happen again.”

  “Get out,” I repeated, this time gritting my teeth. “She said you care about each other. This obviously wasn’t the first time. I can’t look at you. I’m sick to my stomach, and I want you to leave. You’re not welcome here either.”

  “You’ve lost your mind if you think I’m going anywhere, Rachel. I pay for this house. Maybe if you gave me attention I wouldn’t have to go elsewhere. It’s not like this should be a shock to you. We haven’t been on the same page in years.”

  Truth be told, I was too comfortable. Life was monotonous. I never imagined he would stray. I never thought I had to keep one eye open because he’d do something so scandalous behind my back.

  I’d never slapped my husband before, so when my hand came up and made contact with his stubbly cheek, I think for a second I felt guilty, until I realized how good it felt to express my rage. “How dare you? How dare you do something like this and blame me? This is your fault. It’s your mess, and I suggest you start cleaning up. Now, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you, get out of this house. I can’t look at you right now. I need to be alone.”

  He threw his hands in the air as he backed away and actually took my advice. He was probably going to run right to his little whore, where she’d mend his broken ego. Hell, he might get off on the fact that he’d been caught. Maybe this was how he figured he could get out of our marriage. Unlike a normal person, my husband was always a coward when it came to making adult decisions. Half the time he couldn’t order take out on his own.

  “See what I mean?” He argued. “It’s always my fault. You don’t make the effort. Its always me bending over backwards. At least I know you’re still human now. You continue care a little about us. It’s too bad you couldn’t give a shit before, you know, all the nights you brought your damn computer to bed with you, and denied me affection. Did you think I could live like that forever?”

  “You bastard! You could have come to me – talked to me like a committed husband should. You made the choice to sleep with someone else. You did this!” I could have killed him. His affair wasn’t to get my attention. People didn’t do that, not to the ones they love.

  “I’ll leave, but this isn’t over. I won’t let you take this away from me, Rachel. I’ve worked too hard for everything we have. We’ll fix this. You’ll get over it. I need you to. I’ll end things with Kyla. It was never serious for me. I was flattered she found me attractive. One thing led to another and I couldn’t help myself. You would have done the same thing had you been in my situation. Imagine being pushed away, feeling like you weren’t attractive anymore. I made bad choices, because for once I wanted to feel alive again. You can hate me for it, but that’s the truth. You’re the only woman I’ll ever love. I promised you that, and I mean it. You got me through the worst of times. I owe you everything. I won’t let you push me away.”

  “You also promised to be faithful, asshole.”

  “You’re right. I did. You made promises too, babe.” Grayson seemed sincere while he was speaking, as if he truly was being honest about his feelings. “I’ll give you a couple days to calm down. I’m not asking for you to understand, I’m not even asking for forgiveness. I made the choice to sleep with her. I know my sins.” I looked into his eyes and saw he was beginning to tear up. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I never wanted you to know. In my mind I thought I could get it out of my system without causing strain on our relationship.”

  “I’m not ready to talk about this, Grayson. I can’t.” I shook my head and wiped my watered eyes. “I can’t do this right now, not today. Please, I need to be alone.”

  Grayson marched up the stairs with his head down. I couldn’t watch him gather his overnight bag and leave the property. Instead I went out into the sunroom and buried my face in a pillow. Some things were better left unsaid, at least until I could figure out what to do in response. I needed time, and possibly a divorce attorney. My gut feeling was to end my marriage, but I knew in time I’d miss him. After being married to someone I felt was my soul-mate, I wasn’t ready to throw it away for an affair. I was too strong to give up what I had, especially after losing so much. I could have given him more attention. I could have been more understanding when it came to his needs. Instead I’d pushed him away, thinking he didn’t mind. I wondered how many nights he wished he were away from me? It hurt now to think about. In some ways maybe I had pushed him right into her arms.

  While bawling my eyes out, I focused on the good in my life – our daughter. She was a perfect example of the love our family represented. I wanted to go back to a time where we were all so happy and have a do-over, because I knew no matter how hard I tried I’d never get the image of him fucking Kyla out of my mind.

  Chapter 3

  Grayson

  “You heard what I said, Kyla. It was a mistake. I never should have gotten involved with you. I’ve ruined my marriage and possibly the relationship I have with my daughter. I need you to understand this and move on.” I felt like a father scorning his child for making a mistake. The idea of it made me sick inside. I’d watched this girl grow into a young woman, never once assuming she’d get involved with me. Sure, I found her attractive. I wasn’t living in a cave. Lots of people were attractive. That didn’t mean I wanted to sleep with them.

  When Kyla first came onto me it was out of the blue. My daughter had been visiting and she’d spent the night with her. That next morning, when my daughter had to head back to school, Kyla slept in. My wife left for work shortly after and I didn’t have to be in the office until a few hours later.

  “I thought we cared about each other,” she whined through the phone.

  “I do care about you, but not like you want me to. You’ve been a part of our lives for a long time. You’re a good girl, but you’ve made a bad choice. We both have. This has to stop. I love my wife, Kyla. That’s never been a question for me. This was always a temporary situation.”

  I could hear her sobs on the opposite end of the phone. “I feel used.”

  “I’m sorry for that. I wish I could say I wasn’t a selfish man. Clearly I am. I took advantage of your generosity and got comfortable. I made decisions without considering the repercus
sions. Now I’ve got to figure out how to make things right. It’s best if you steer clear of our house. I can’t see you anymore, and I certainly don’t want you around Rachel. She’s been hurt enough. That woman has bent over backwards to do things for you. We’ve taken you on vacation with us. She loved you. I’m not the only one who broke her heart today.”

  “What if I love you?”

  “You can’t love me. You’re confusing lust and infatuation with the real thing. Trust me, we don’t have love. We’ve got nothing in common. I’m as old as your father. My daughter is your best friend. It’s a crush, and I wish I never let it play out.”

  She was now in hysterics. “Why does it hurt so much?”

  “Because it does. We’ve hurt people, and now each other. You’re scared of what comes next.”

  I knew she was going to argue with me, though it wouldn’t do any good. Nothing could take the pain away from the image of my wife’s face when she’d caught me. I’d never regretted anything so much before. Now it was going to take a ton of convincing to prove to her how sincere I was about working things out. This girl was just a fling. She meant nothing to me, not in a romantic way. I never told her I loved her. If she assumed I did, it was her own fault.

  “Please, Grayson. Don’t do this to me.”

  “Do what? I’m being honest here. You’re just a confused girl, Kyla. I said I was sorry. I don’t know what else you expect of me. Once my daughter finds out what we’ve done, she’ll never forgive either of us. I’ve probably ruined my life for a few good times. I know you don’t understand, but I’ve devoted my life to my family, and now I’ve screwed it all up. They may never forgive me. I could lose everything.”