Bereft

by Jennifer Foor

  “You’re wrong.”

  “About what part?”

  “About me needing you. I’ve done fine since we’ve parted ways, Grayson. In fact, I’ve never been happier. You want to pull Chad into the conversation, let me just tell you how amazing he’s been. He’s always there for me. He has my back, even when it comes to forgiving you. He told me to come on this trip. Could you be that unselfish? Would you be willing to let me go for someone else?”

  “I can’t compete.” I shook my head. It was obvious she wasn’t going to give in. It was always her way or none at all. “No matter what I say to you, you’ve made your mind up already.”

  I couldn’t control my emotions. Instead of finishing my food, I stood and threw my napkin on my plate, then walked outside, where I let go, not caring if she could hear me or not.

  Chapter 31

  Rachel

  I never should have opened my mouth. I’d gone and broken his heart again. Bringing Chad into our conversation was a huge mistake. Grayson would never be able to look past it when I kept throwing it in his face.

  I missed Chad. If I were at a cabin in the woods with him we’d spend it in each other’s arms. However, knowing I was this close to Grayson, the declared love of my life, I wondered if this wasn’t right where I was supposed to be.

  I took a couple bites of the food he’d prepared just for me. My teeth were chattering, and if I listened closely I could hear him bellowing out his pain on the porch. I sat there for a couple seconds thinking about what he’d been through. Was he right? Was I doing the same thing to him? If so, how could I have been so insensitive? How could I have let myself fall for someone else when the one person I needed to love me was waiting for me to come back to him?

  I hated myself.

  Before I could reconsider, I left my plate on the table and rushed outside. He turned when he heard footsteps. The remorse shown across his face made me sick to my stomach. I wondered if he was picturing me with Chad, feeling the same sort of disgust.

  I reached out and touched his arm. “Grayson, I’m sorry. I wanted you to suffer. I felt like it helped me cope.”

  He shook his head. “It’s killing me. Being here with you was a mistake. I can’t do this. I know you’re done, so if you want to go home we’ll pack up tonight. I can’t force you to love me. I can’t force you to choose me when it’s clear you’ll never forgive me for what I did to us.”

  “I did it to,” I said in a whisper. “We both broke our vows. You were right. I’m a hypocrite.”

  “You did what you felt necessary at the time. I don’t blame you for being happy, Rachel. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish there was someone else on this earth to take the pain away, but I know no one will ever compare to you. Maybe I took you for granted. Maybe I didn’t value your needs.”

  “You did,” I softly replied. “You were always wonderful to me. I think that’s why it hurts so much. I never expected you to do that to me. I never thought you’d stray.”

  I was trembling, my hands shaking so much I put them in my pockets. I tried to turn away, but as the tears poured from my eyes I knew I couldn’t hide the way I was feeling. Grayson knew me. He was experiencing the same emotions. “I love you so much, Rachel.”

  It was time to stop fighting. I’d buried my feelings for too long. “I love you too.”

  He sniffled and wiped his face with his hands. “I’ll clean up dinner and load the car.”

  I waited for him to walk by me before responding. “Wait!” he turned to face me. “I think we should stay, at least for tonight.”

  “You do?” He seemed shocked.

  I motioned with my head. “I’ve positive.” I held out my hand for him to take. “Let’s build a fire and finish our dinner in front of it. We don’t have to talk. Maybe it’s better if we say nothing at all. At this point, we need to stop fighting. I’m tired of bickering with no resolution. Either way this ends, I want us to be friends, Grayson. I need you in my life. I know I said I didn’t, but I was angry. I married you because you were my best friend. I miss us.”

  He pulled me into his arms, offering nothing but a firm hug. “I miss you too.”

  It was all it took for me to feel overwhelmed. Grayson was the man I promised to love for the rest of my life. I never doubted it either. He’d been everything to me since we started dating, and as much as I tried to deny it now, he still held a huge part of my heart. That being said, I yearned to find resolution, no matter where was heart was about to take me.

  Once the fire was ignited, I sat on the couch watching the flames and feeling the steady warmth resonating from it. Grayson joined me eventually, after insisting on cleaning up dinner. He had to use a gallon of store bought water to do the dishes, so I’m sure it took some finagling. There was a well outside with a hand pump, but he insisted on using the jugs he’d purchased.

  At first he sat across from me, silently staring into the flames. I got up and walked over, closing the distance between us by occupying the space next to him. “Is this okay?”

  He reached over and touched my hand. When he tightened his grip I didn’t pull away. “It’s good,”

  I rested my head on his shoulder. “It’s nice.”

  “I don’t expect to move fast, Rachel. I know it will take us time.”

  I wasn’t sure what he was implying. Did he assume this meant we were getting back together, and if so, what was I to do about my feelings for Chad?

  Was it possible to love two men completely differently at the same time?

  “Good, because I think I need it.”

  Grayson was still wearing his wedding ring, where I’d taken mine off weeks before. I’d placed it in my purse after the first day I discovered his affair, and hadn’t checked for it since. “I promised you forever, so take your time.”

  We were silent for a few minutes, both staring into the fire, looking for answers to all our problems. Then Grayson asked me a question, and it would confused the hell out of me. “Do you love him?”

  I turned and looked at my estranged husband without an answer. I swallowed a lump in my throat and glanced in another direction, unable to face him when the truth was written across my face.

  “Rachel, please. I need to know the truth.”

  “Why?” My lips were chattering again. “What good will it do?”

  “You’re right. It will hurt me, but I think I deserve the truth. Something tells me I already know, but I want to hear it from your lips.”

  The truth lingered in my brain, while my body was losing control to remain strong. I had to be honest with myself, but the problem was I really didn’t know. I cared for Chad. It was obvious. I loved being around him, and spending time alone. He made me smile, and helped me through a lot of tough times, but was it love? Was it enough to choose him over Grayson? Had I already made my mind up before stepping foot in this cabin?

  As I struggled for an answer I looked into Grayson’s eyes. They were pleading with me to give him the response he deserved. For the first time in months I knew exactly what was right and wrong. I was fully aware, which way I wanted to go, and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

  I took a deep breath and finally gave Grayson exactly what he’d been waiting for.

  “Yes. I love him, but…” He stood before I could keep him next to me. “Grayson, wait. Please hear me out. I have more to say.”

  “There’s nothing left to discuss. You love another man.” He was bawling, and I felt awful.

  “It’s not like what we have. I appreciate him.”

  “Yeah, well you sure as hell don’t appreciate me.”

  “That’s not true. I know in time we could-.”

  “We could what? Be friends? Have cookouts where the two of you come over and talk about how you got together? No thanks.”

  “You’re being ridiculous. I’d never expect that to happen.” It was understandable he was upset, but I’d never rub my happiness in his face. It was obvious this destroyed him.

/>   “I know he told you to come with me this weekend. Why? Does he want you to commit? Is this what it’s about? Did he persuade you so you’d have closure with me? Does he want to move on in and keep you for himself?”

  “No! Stop it!” I was desperate to rectify the situation, but couldn’t figure out how to erase what I’d said. My feelings for Chad were new, therefore blinding me of what we could be to each other in the future. Chad didn’t want a relationship. Whatever I felt we were, wasn’t how he saw us. There would be no future.

  Grayson offered me stability. If I forgave him we could have a happy life together. He wanted to be married to me; to spend the rest of our lives loving each other.

  “The truth is, I think I need to be alone for a while. My feelings for Chad don’t compare to what we’ve shared. He’ll never be you, Grayson, but the damage is done. We’ve screwed up our marriage. We’ve made this mess between us. You want the truth?”

  He flipped his palms as he replied. “I guess I do.”

  “The truth is, I wish we could go back. I miss our life. I miss knowing you were coming home to me every night. I miss feeling like nothing could ever tear us apart. That’s the truth, Grayson. It’s all I’ve ever known. Enough of this who do you love more bullshit. I love you, but we can’t keep doing this each other. This has to stop.”

  Before I knew what was happening, Grayson lunged toward me, pressing his lips against mine. I pulled away, flustered and shocked. Then it hit me. This would be the last time we touched each other. I was telling him we were over, and this was his reaction – a final attempt to be close to me.

  I can’t explain the connection I immediately felt between us. One minute I was enraged, and the next I was wrapping my arms around him and kissing him back. He picked me up and carried me to the couch, where he sat me down and finally joined me.

  Kissing him was easy, comfortable even. I’d practiced doing it so many times I could do it effortlessly. In that moment there were no affairs or conflicts. It was just the two of us, connecting the way we used to.

  In those few minutes everything became clear again, except this time I wanted my life back; the one I shared with Grayson.

  Before things went too far, Grayson backed away. It gave me time to think about what would happen if we continued. Since I’d been with Chad earlier, I felt it necessary to halt what was happening. “We need to stop,” I whispered against his lips.

  “Why?”

  It broke my heart to tell him. “Trust me. It’s best if we take this slow. I promised you the weekend. Let’s take our time. Just be here with me. Pretend nothing else exists except for us.”

  “You were with him today, weren’t you?” His accusations made my stomach curl. I could feel my dinner making an unexpected presence. How could he know me so well?

  “No,” I lied.

  “Rachel, I know when you’re keeping the truth from me.” He got up and left the room. I adjusted my shirt and went after him, praying I could calm him down.

  “Don’t be angry. I didn’t want to come. I was in denial. I wasn’t ready.”

  “This was a mistake. You keep blaming me, but you’re the one who gave up on us. You’re the one,” he repeated.

  I was a sobbing mess. “You’re right. It’s my fault. I should have given it more time. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to fall for another man to hide my true feelings for you. I did it. All of it. Blame me for our marriage ending, Grayson, go ahead. I know it’s what you want, so the burden is off of your conscience.”

  “I never said I was innocent.”

  I cried into my hands, silently pleading with God to strike me with lightning and end the pain. I couldn’t handle it any longer. I wanted it to disappear, no matter how I needed to make it happen. “We can’t keep doing this. Trying isn’t getting us anywhere. Grayson, you’ll always have a piece of my heart, but it’s obvious we can’t make it work. Too much has happened. We’ve both made mistakes, and now we have to suffer the repercussions. Just face it, our marriage was over weeks ago, and there’s nothing we can do to get it back.”

  Then it happened. We stood out on the porch holding each other as we broke down. This was our goodbye – the end of something we thought could last forever.

  Chapter 32

  Grayson

  My plan had backfired. We left the cabin Saturday morning, after staying up all night in separate rooms. I should have known it would end this way, but I couldn’t have imagined how unbearable it would feel.

  Rachel had moved on. She’d probably be happy with her new beau. He seemed like a nice guy, and they obviously shared similar interests.

  As for me, I’d spend the rest of my days alone. There would never be another woman who could give me what she could. I’d never love someone like I love her. No matter how much time would pass, I knew she was it for me.

  After I dropped her off at her car, I drove straight to the house. Surprisingly, I pulled into my driveway to find my daughter there. Normally I would have frowned upon visitors after such a shitty night, but I welcomed her friendly smile when I opened the door. “What are you doing home, Dad? I thought you said you rented the place until Sunday.”

  I frowned. “It didn’t work out the way I thought it would.”

  “What do you mean?” I could tell she was sad by my news. Stephanie loved our family, so the idea of it breaking up permanently was terrible news.

  “Your mom and I can’t get past what’s been done. We both made mistakes, and sometimes they’re too involved to forgive.”

  “What do you mean, both? What did Mom do?”

  I felt worse. Obviously Rachel hadn’t told Stephanie about her little boy toy. “Sweetie, your mom has been seeing someone. She’s moved on.” I had to clench my jaw to keep my composure. “Our marriage is over, and there’s nothing any of us can do. We made the choice together. I want you to know that. It wasn’t easy, but we did it together. It’s best for all of us if we get past it and move forward with our lives. No more living without answers.”

  “How do you know she’s with someone else? She never said a thing to me.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know if it’s serious. All I do know is that we couldn’t connect, not the way we should have been able to.”

  Stephanie hugged me. I was surprised she was giving me support, considering how angry she’d been over my affair. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I wish there was something I could do.”

  “Are you staying the night? I could use some company.”

  She smiled. “I am. I was just about to rent some movies. Are you up for a night of horror flicks?”

  “As long as there isn’t romance, I’m good.”

  Stephanie brought up Kyla before I was able to. “I spoke to Kyla the other day. She finally came clean about everything. I know she provoked you. I know she lied to Mom about the affair.” She looked down at her hands. “You hurt me when I found out the truth, but I’m actually glad I know. She’s not a friend to me. She used me, and I’ll blame her for destroying our family.”

  “It’s my fault, Steph. You know it is.”

  She nodded. “Maybe in some ways. Although, I can tell you’ve been torn apart over your breakup with Mom. Who knows. Maybe she’ll come back to you. Maybe it’s not over.”

  I cupped her chin and tried to smile. “I wish that were the truth, sweetie. I really do. Can you ever forgive me for what I did? Is it too soon?”

  She shrugged. “You’re my only father. I love you unconditionally. You taught me to forgive. I think it’s time we all got a fresh start, don’t you?”

  I held her close, feeling like as long as I had her in my life I’d be okay. Stephanie would make sure I was never alone. “What would I do without you?”

  “I don’t know, probably starve, or die of malnutrition,” she teased.

  We played on each other’s words until the movie started. I didn’t pay any attention to what was going on. All I could think about was Rachel. I wanted to know she was okay, and that she hadn’
t run right into her lover’s arms. I knew we were over, but I still wondered if she regretted the decision. Was Stephanie right? Was there a chance she’d come back to me someday?

  I think I’d come to the conclusion that I’d spend every single day appreciating what I had left in my life. Who knows, maybe one day we could be friends again. That’s what I hoped for, because giving up was never going to sit well with my heart.

  Chapter 33

  Rachel

  I’d left Chad three messages with no response. Since I wasn’t in any condition to talk about the previous night, I headed to my apartment instead of his, where I spent the entire afternoon sulking in my own misery. For the life of me, I never expected to hurt so much when it came to saying goodbye to Grayson.

  I’d been nauseous ever since climbing in the car with him earlier. Now that I’d arrived at home, it hadn’t gotten any better.

  It was hard thinking about Chad and then my mind going back to Grayson. I was more confused now than ever, and had it not been for my actions before leaving for the weekend with Grayson, maybe things would have gone differently. There was a chance we would have stayed the whole weekend, reconnecting and finding love again.

  I’d destroyed that opportunity. I’d let my relationship with Chad ruin my chances of getting back my happy ever after with Grayson.

  By seven p.m. I was starting to feel annoyed. I knew Chad said he would find something to do, but he always kept his phone on him. It made me suspicious, like he was out with another woman. If he was, I couldn’t get angry. I didn’t even have a right to be jealous. He’d made it abundantly clear we weren’t in a committed relationship. No matter how I felt about him, it was quite obvious his perception of our friendship wasn’t the same.

  I’d made choices I wasn’t proud of, and now I wondered if I was even where I wanted to be; sitting all alone in an apartment, instead of in my home with my family.

  Feeling sorry for myself was something I’d come to be used to. It seemed like whenever I was sad about something, it was self inflicted. I’d chose to seduce Chad in the parking garage stairwell, knowing I was about to be in the vehicle with Grayson. What kind of idiot would do something so reckless?