Bereft

by Jennifer Foor

  “I was hoping you would. This is our first stop.”

  She unbuckled her seat belt. “It’s not going to end the same as last time, I can assure you of that.”

  I nodded, but kept my opinions to myself. She didn’t need to see me get upset. I wouldn’t let her feeling sorry for me allow her to make decisions she’d regret later.

  We entered in the establishment and were quickly seated across from each other. Rachel held the menu up to keep me from seeing her face. “Do you remember what we had last time?”

  “It was ten years ago, Grayson. Give me a break.”

  “You had their signature sandwich. It’s called a Rachel. It’s turkey, swiss and coleslaw on a bun. You said it was the best sandwich you’d ever eaten.”

  She lowered the menu and squinted her eyes. “That was easy to answer. Once you saw it you remembered.”

  I accepted it could have been the case, but it wasn’t true. She went on and on about a food having her name. “Whatever. So, is that what you’re ordering?”

  “I’m not sure yet.”

  I kept staring down at my menu, too focused on Rachel to concentrate enough to read.

  The waitress came to take our orders and Rachel went first. She ordered the same sandwich and then began to tell the waitress what I was having. “I’ll have the Rachel, light thousand island on the side please. He’s going to have the pulled pork, with the Carolina style sauce, and the hand cut fries. We’ll both have a sweet tea, one with lemon and one without.”

  I was impressed. As soon as the waitress walked away I saw her peering into my eyes. “Two can play this game, Grayson. You’re easy to guess. You always have the same things.”

  “I think it’s a little more than being perspective. I think you remember the details from the last time we were here, back when we were insanely in love with each other.”

  “Thinking about back then makes my heart hurt.” She looked at the menu again. “I wish this place served wine.”

  “They may not serve it, but I bought a few bottles of your favorite to take with us.”

  She sort of smiled. “That was kind of you.”

  “I’m trying, Rachel. I really am.”

  “Noted and appreciated.”

  “How was your day at work?” I figured small talk would help pass the time.

  She shrugged. “Work is overwhelming at the moment. I have a lot riding on my shoulders. When I took on the new position I was under the impression that I’d have a little leeway as far as delegating jobs to other people. So far it hasn’t happened.”

  I didn’t want to ask about her friend, because I knew the topic of him had to stay off limits. “So you’re doing too much?”

  “Some days I feel like I am. Everything falls on me. If there is a problem with anything agency related I have to deal with it. Maybe if I wasn’t under so much stress already I could handle it better. Right now it’s impossible.”

  “I’m sorry for my part in that, babe. I know it’s been rough for you.”

  “I’m not here to listen to your apologies. I think we’ve both said enough. Maybe you’re right. Maybe this weekend we both need to get away from reality and focus on what’s important.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way.”

  “I’m not making you promises, Grayson. I can’t.”

  “I get it. As long as we’re together this weekend, it’s enough for me.”

  With that being said we enjoyed our lunches, almost like it was old times. When we got back on the road I was hopeful. Rachel seemed to have relaxed, and I prayed she’d remain comfortable when she found out where we would be staying, and why I’d gone to extremes to have her to myself.

  Chapter 29

  Rachel

  We’d been driving for what felt like hours, probably because I was uncomfortable being this close to him. I hated knowing at any moment he could reach over and touch me. The idea of it still made my skin crawl. What made matters worse was knowing what I’d done with Chad only hours before. His touch was still familiar in my mind, and parts of my skin smelled like his cologne. I closed my eyes and focused on our last moments together. Chad’s fingers traced my lips, giving me chills throughout my body. I recalled the anticipation of his touch elsewhere, but right as I began to replay it in my mind I heard Grayson speaking. “Did you hear me, Rachel?”

  “No, sorry. I must have been somewhere else for a second.”

  “Did you need to stop and get anything before head up to where we’ll be staying?”

  “I’m good. I’m sure they’ll have anything we might need.”

  He pulled over at a local grocery and told me he’d be back. I sat there for a few seconds, finally giving in to my own needs and pulled out my phone. I sent Chad a message. I wanted him to know I was thinking of him already.

  Wishing I was there with you. – R

  He replied immediately.

  You are supposed to be focused on your husband. – C

  I can’t help it. The stairwell didn’t leave me with enough. I want more. – R

  Don’t tease me, Rach. I’ll see you Monday. Try to have a nice time. You’re getting away from work too. Enjoy it. – C

  What if I can’t? What if I already know where I need to be? – R

  I’ll be here when you get back. Promise me you’ll put all your efforts into this weekend. It will do you good. You need this. – C

  I’ll text when I can. – R

  Rachel, don’t. Pretend I don’t exist this weekend. Being with me is clouding your judgment. You need to focus on your future, and how much Grayson will be apart of it. – C

  He’s coming. I need to go. Miss you. – R

  I turned off my device and tucked it back in my purse right before Grayson climbed in the car with three bags of groceries.

  I was confused. “Why would we need all that? Doesn’t the retreat provide meals?”

  He wouldn’t respond. “Grayson, seriously, what’s going on?”

  “It’s just a couple more minutes up the road, Rachel. Let me get us there before you start complaining.”

  I was already regretting this weekend. It was possible he was driving me to a secluded location to decapitate me for seeking revenge with another man, and falling for him. Maybe I deserved to meet my demise by his hands. Maybe this was how our story ended.

  We turned and started driving up a mountain. The road was gravel and dirt, and there wasn’t a house or electrical line the whole way. We saw a few deer crossing and running through thickets. I watched the beams of light coming down through the trees, guiding us up the rough terrain. Finally we came to a stop in front of an old wooden cabin. It had a small porch on the front and two rocking chairs. I turned to look at Grayson and then back at the tiny cottage. “This is where we’re staying?”

  “Don’t hate it yet. It’s going to be fun.”

  “Where are the other cabins? Isn’t the retreat with other couples?”

  “Rachel, it’s just us. I didn’t want distractions or other people’s opinions. This is between you and me. We can figure this out together. Just give it a try.”

  I couldn’t seem to find compassion for Grayson, especially in this case. I wasn’t against camping when Stephanie was younger, but this wasn’t necessary. I needed amenities.

  “This is a terrible idea.”

  Grayson ignored me and began carrying the bags of groceries onto the porch. I fetched my clothes from the trunk and followed behind him, eager to see what was awaiting inside.

  Unlike the worn outer shell, the inside had been kept up. Two leather couches faced one another, leading to a beautiful stone fireplace. The kitchen was in the back of the cabin, and it was open to a small table with four chairs. Steps were on the far side of the structure, leading to what I assumed were two bedrooms.

  I let out a sigh and searched for light switches to better assess the area. “Please tell me there’s electric.”

  He chuckled. “Nope. We have to fend for ourselves. We’re going col
onial style this weekend.”

  “If you expect me to make some clothes and churn butter you’ve got another thing coming,” I noted.

  He laughed at me. “If you start doing that I’ll worry about your sanity.”

  I had to smile. For a brief moment I forgot why we were there. My laughter seemed to be contagious as we stood there in the room together.

  I helped Grayson get everything carried in, and actually started to appreciate being away from the hustle and bustle of life and work. Maybe I needed this break, perhaps we both did.

  Grayson told me to check out the back deck while he put the groceries away and took our bags to our rooms. I half expected him to stick our things in the same one, but kept my mouth shut until I could find out if it was true.

  A few moments later, I heard the slider opening. Grayson was carrying two glasses of wine. I sat up and took one out of his hand before he was able to sit down beside me. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

  “It is.” Birds were flying around, and the trees were blowing in the breeze. The leaves were starting to change to gorgeous fall hues, and it smelled so fresh, like earth and nature. The sun would be setting shortly, and I knew it would be a spectacular view. Aside from the normal sounds, it was extremely quiet. We couldn’t hear cars or trucks. We hadn’t passed a single dwelling for the whole adventure up the mountain. “Where is the closest neighbor?”

  “I have no clue. I’m pretty sure it’s just us for a good distance. Why?” He questioned. “Are you planning on running away.”

  I smirked and gave him a quick glance. “It depends on your intentions.”

  “My intentions are from the heart, I assure you.”

  “Then I suppose I can stick around.” I sipped at my favorite wine, appreciating the little details he was taking to make me comfortable. “So what’s on the agenda this evening?”

  “Nothing. We can relax and have a nice dinner later. I’m making you Salmon in a sweet pepper coating on the grill, accompanied by fresh asparagus and baked potatoes.”

  “Sounds great. I haven’t had that in a while.” I knew what he was doing. Grayson was prepared to shower me with everything he knew I favored. He was determined to impress me. “I would have been fine with anything.”

  “Only the best for you, Rachel. It’s always been that way. I hope you know that.”

  What he was saying was true. Grayson had always gone above and beyond to make me happy. This wasn’t him attempting to push his way back into my heart. He’d been generous since the day I met him. It was the reason I fell so deeply in love with him in the first place.

  “I know you’re going to want to talk. It’s probably best if you give the wine some time. I tend to be brutally honest after I drink, so you’ll get the answers you’ve been waiting for.”

  “Or the ones I can’t bear to handle.”

  I sipped at my glass again. “It’s possible.”

  “I love you, Rachel. It’s only ever been you. Even when Molly and I were married, I never felt a connection like we have. I know you don’t believe it, but –“

  “I do. I know how you feel about me. I understand how hard this has been, not just for me but you as well. I can see the toll it’s taken on you. You look tired. I went through a time where I couldn’t close my eyes without it hurting. I stayed awake, dwelling on the situation instead of letting my body rest. If you’re going through it, I can understand how difficult it’s been.”

  “It has. I wake up and you’re not there next to me. I keep thinking it’s all a bad dream, but I know better. I have to relive every moment I spent ruining our commitment. I can’t hate you. I don’t. If the roles were reversed I would have probably done the same thing. I wouldn’t have wanted to be alone.”

  I wasn’t ready to get into this with him. “If the roles were reversed it wouldn’t have happened to begin with.”

  “You mean to tell me if that young buck threw himself at you you’d be able to restrain?”

  I looked away while thinking about Chad. The idea of him coming onto me. The memories of how it felt when he touched me that first time. The sound of his voice when he whispered my name. I had to close my eyes. My heart was beginning to beat faster, and I was losing track of the purpose of the conversation. “We’ll never truly know will we? What’s done is done. Neither one of us can take back what we’ve done. Maybe in some ways we both committed adultery.”

  “Yeah, but I set it all into motion. I take full blame.” I could hear his voice cracking. I leaned over and refilled my glass, trying to avoid my own emotional carnage.

  He continued. “Rachel, I don’t know how to go on without you. I couldn’t do a real couples retreat because I can’t be anywhere without losing my shit. I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’ve destroyed what we had, and I already know there’s no hope to get it back.”

  It was impossible to hold in the tears. We’d been alone like this once before, and it ended with him holding me while I slept. It didn’t matter where I was in life, Grayson’s arms would always represent comfort for me. His mistake was like a whirlwind of destruction, but at the end of the day we had ourselves to blame for getting to where we were now. I’d struggled, day after day feeling betrayed and lost. I’d gone through the emotions of losing the man I loved, to falling hard for another. Now, being this close to Grayson again, I wondered if I was really where I wanted to be, or was I running from the only life I’ve ever wanted.

  Perhaps Chad was right. Maybe I did need to spend time with Grayson. It was possible this would change everything. Until I knew what I wanted for sure, I was prepared to do whatever it took to figure it out.

  Chapter 30

  Grayson

  Imagine being so close you could touch the one you loved, but not being able to reach those few inches to do so. That’s how I felt sitting next to Rachel and hearing her weep. Her sobs were inflicted by my actions. Once again I was pulling at her heartstrings, and I didn’t know what to say or do to make her feel better. I didn’t even know if I was the person she needed to make it go away.

  After a while I knew it was useless to stick around. I got up and began to prepare dinner. There were a few times where I had to stop and take a few deep breaths to relax. It was hard imagining her forgiving me. I knew it when I asked her to come. With time running out, I needed to figure out a way to break through her barrier. She had to let me in again, or else this would all have been for nothing.

  Rachel came inside a little later, carrying an empty bottle of wine. Minus the one glass I’d had, she’d drank the entire thing. Since I knew better than anyone how much of a lightweight she was, I wondered how I was going to open the doors of communication with her three sheets to the wind. “Are you okay?”

  “I will be when you open another bottle.”

  “What if we wait until dinner is served? I don’t want you passing out on me before the main course.”

  She shrugged. “Whatever. Do you need help?”

  I handed her two plates and some silverware. “Just set us up. I’ll bring everything over to the table.”

  She walked over and set two places, sitting down at one. She was different, but still as beautiful as ever. Her hair was styled in wavy curls, and I’d never seen her have so much color in it before. Then there were her nails. They were a dark red. She’d never painted them a color, but always gone for a nude French style. The woman sitting before me had changed, yet she was the one I vowed to love forever. I’d broken promises, but my love hadn’t faltered. Still, I didn’t think it was enough to get her back.

  The only problem with not having electricity was fixing everything on the outside grill. I’d prepped the food in the kitchen, and taken it outside to cook. After several trips, the food was ready to eat.

  Dinner was finally served, and once we were sitting across from one another I felt anxious again. Rachel began cutting up her fish, while I focused on filling her glass and keeping her content. I’d opened the doors to the back porch and a light breeze
was blowing in. The candles lit so we were able to see made for a good ambiance. “I’ll probably light a fire after dinner. It might get chilly.”

  “Let me guess, it’s the only source of heat.”

  “You’d be right,” I said while aiming my fork toward her. “It adds a bit of tranquility, don’t you think?”

  “I think you’re planning on getting me on that rug over there. It’s not going to happen.”

  I bit my tongue to keep from saying something that could offend her. “You know me better than that, Rachel. I’d never push.”

  She raised her brow. “Really? So how was it that you got Kyla to sleep with you? What did you promise her? Did you buy her extravagant gifts? Did you promise her stability?”

  “No. It’s not like that at all.” I shook my head and placed my fork down on my plate. “I told you before, I never came onto Kyla, not even once. She came after me. She basically threw herself at me. I know you don’t believe it, but it’s true. Not one time did I ever think about her in any other way aside from being Steph’s friend. I never asked for this to happen. I know it did, and I can’t turn back time, but I’m begging you to let it go. She means nothing to me. She never did. I fucked her, just like you fucked your friend. You say it’s not the same, but isn’t it? You waited how many days to turn to someone else?”

  She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it without saying anything.

  “Don’t forget I saw you through the window, Rachel. It doesn’t matter if you were acting out or seeking revenge. You fucked someone else, and I’m pretty sure you still are. You think it doesn’t rip me to shreds?”

  “I know it does,” she argued. “I know I’ve hurt you. You still cheated though.”

  “Rachel, we’re still married. Telling me you want a divorce doesn’t make it legal. You are still my wife. We’ve gone longer without being together before. This isn’t irreparable. You know it isn’t. Stop running away from me. I need you, and I think you need me to.”