Bereft

by Jennifer Foor

  Two weeks after Rachel left me I started seeing a psychiatrist. I chose a female doctor, because to some degree I needed to have a woman’s perspective. I wanted to know it was possible for a female to sympathize with my situation.

  After two sessions she suggested I invite my wife to go on a couples retreat. I was skeptical, especially since Rachel hadn’t wanted to be in the same room with me. I couldn’t imagine her agreeing to see me for a longer period of time.

  That’s when I decided I needed to ask her in person. I got in my car and drove to her office, adamant on making her see how important it was for us.

  I never expected to run into someone I recognized from being with her the night we split up. As soon as I saw him my heart began to race. Anger filled a void that had been replaced with despair for too long. I’d never wanted to haul off and hit a guy like I did him.

  At first glance he acted as if he’d never seen me before. “Can I help you with something, sir?”

  “I’m looking for my wife,” I said with a smirk. “Rachel. Have you seen her?”

  His eyes lit up, and finally he recognized where he’d seen me before. I kept my fists tight until he responded. “She’s actually out for a lunch meeting with a client. Did you want me to leave her a message?”

  “No!” I quickly replied. “I’d like to wait for her to return. Just point me to her new office.”

  He raised a brow and took a deep breath. “Look, buddy, I don’t think this is a good place for you two to talk. We like to keep it calm here.”

  “Unless you want my fist in your mouth, you’ll guide me to her office.” I lowered my voice when someone walked by us. “You think I don’t know who you are? I remember you. You’re the guy she’s been fucking.”

  He fastened his hand on my arm and led me to a hallway. “Listen, man, don’t make this ugly. Rachel isn’t here. You and I both know she won’t want to come back from a meeting and be faced with whatever you’re here to talk to her about. If you want to meet up later I’d be glad to help you set it up. I’m not the enemy.”

  “Really?” I was amused. “You’re screwing my wife.”

  “Did she tell you that?”

  “Not in so many words.”

  He led me into an office. Right away I could tell it was his. Pictures of him and the owner, Charles were on a bookcase behind the desk. He took a seat and offered me the one across from him. “Rachel is important to this company. My grandfather cares a lot about her. With that being said, yes, we’ve become close in the past month. She and I have to work together. We’re transitioning into separate entities, and without her a lot of people would have lost their jobs. She’s an amazing woman.”

  “You don’t have to tell me. That’s why I married her.”

  He folded his hands together and then released them, only to do it again. I could tell he was thinking. “Why are you here, Grayson?”

  “Oh, you want to be on a first name basis?”

  “I’m Chad, and like I told you before, I’m not a threat to you. Rachel is goal oriented. I’ve listened to her cry, yes. I’ve been there for her, yes. Do I want to steal your wife away, well no. Despite the fact that I’d love to have a relationship with her, I know her heart is still elsewhere.”

  “Coming here was a mistake.” He’d admitted more than I wanted to know. He obviously cared about Rachel. She needed that kind of attention, especially after I’d hurt her. Maybe it was time to give up. She’d clearly moved on.

  “Wait,” he announced when I stood and turned to leave. “I might not think you waiting for Rachel is a good idea, but you seem like you’re desperate to talk to her. To prove I’m not a bad guy, I’ll relay whatever you want to be said. If you want to stick around here and wait, I can’t stop you.”

  I pulled out the envelope I’d put the invitation in. I’d made a promise to myself that I’d try my hardest to reach her. I couldn’t back down, even if I felt it was a lost cause. “I came here to give her this. It’s an invitation to a couples retreat. Our marriage might be over. For all I know it’s what you’re hoping for. It would be decent of you to let her decided for herself. You say her heart is still with me. I need to know if there’s hope. I’m giving this to you in hopes that you’ll pass it along. If I were in your shoes I probably wouldn’t. You make the call. I think we both need to know where Rachel stands. This will settle it. She’ll either reconnect with me, or she’ll make sure I know we’re through.”

  He nodded and took the envelope. “Okay. I’ll make sure she gets it.”

  I proceeded to walk out of the office. “For what it’s worth, I know you couldn’t help yourself. I couldn’t either when I met her. She’s the whole damn package. I just wish I didn’t take her for granted.” I waved as I walked out of the office, but didn’t turn back. I didn’t care what he was thinking about, or prepared to say next. It was killing me, looking at him, picturing him touching her, holding her, and taking away the pain I’d caused.

  All I could do was wait to hear from Rachel. If the guy Chad was a good man, he’d let her make up her own mind. Either way I doubted I’d hear from her. I feared my time with Rachel was over a while ago.

  Chapter 27

  Rachel

  “I can’t believe I agreed to this,” I said to Chad as we were going down the stairs to the parking garage. Friday had come too fast, and within hours I’d be on my way to spend a weekend with my husband, Grayson, who I hadn’t even begun to forgive for destroying our marriage. He may have been trying to convince me otherwise, but I still resented him for cheating, and didn’t feel he was wholeheartedly sorry. Sure, he regretted the decision, but six months was a long time to continue something you knew was a bad idea, unless it was important. I couldn’t stop thinking about the times he’d come home whistling or beside himself with happiness. I wondered if one of those times he’d been with her, or perhaps all of them. The idea gave me a stomach ache. On few occasions, I’d gotten so upset I’d become sick over it. Yet, here I was, making the choice to spend a couple days with him.

  I’d wanted to back out, especially after noticing the way Chad had withdrawn since our talk about it. I felt like every attempt I made to move forward, he was throwing my past into my face, telling me I needed to figure out my life. Maybe he was frustrated being in limbo. We’d been sleeping together for weeks, yet never discussed a future. I wondered what I meant to him on a daily basis, but he made me so happy I didn’t want to chance finding out I didn’t mean the same to him. I was falling hard for Chad, finding happiness when I was surrounded by pain. He’d saved me in some ways, showing me I was worth fighting for, although in this situation, he’d been the opposite. It was as if he was on Grayson’s side. It drove me mad, especially since he’d been around from day one to see the agony I’d gone through.

  He’d seen me at my lowest, and brought me back from wanting to give up. Sure, our relationship had been based on sex, but we’d grown into something else, something I wasn’t sure how to explain. Chad not begging me to stay home with him was torturing me.

  It hurt my feelings, especially since we spent so much of our lives together now. I couldn’t recall one single day where we hadn’t been together. He made me smile. He taught me how to love my body. He seemed to love it too.

  “It’s a couple days. It’s not like you’re being forced. Don’t make it harder on yourself.”

  Arguing was my only way to get my point across. “I haven’t wanted to be near the man. Why do you think this could be a good idea?”

  He turned and stared me in the eyes. “Do you still love Grayson, Rach?” I used to get offended when he called me that, but now I appreciated having a nickname, especially from Chad.

  I shrugged. “I promised to love him forever when we married, but that was destroyed the moment he screwed my daughter’s childhood friend. It makes me sick. I’m torn on how I feel. He broke my heart. It’s still breaking.”

  “A heart can’t be broken unless it loves.”

  He had a
valid point. If I didn’t love Grayson, I wouldn’t have cared who he was screwing. “What about us?” I blurted out.

  “Us?” He shook his head and cackled. “We’re friends, Rach. You know that. We have a good time together. We’re very compatible, so it’s fun being together.”

  “We’re more, at least to me we are.”

  “Nevertheless, you’re in love with your husband, who you promised to love forever. Correct? Isn’t that what this is about? Grayson wants you back. He’s made it abundantly clear. You say he isn’t trying, but he is. He’s going above and beyond to get you back.”

  I hated when he had a point. “I suppose.”

  He lifted his hand up to graze my cheek. “We’ll talk when you get back. Until then, I think it’s important you focus on this weekend. Give it a chance. Don’t leave any rock unturned.”

  I nodded, even though I didn’t agree. I wanted to spend my weekend tangled up in Chad’s sheets, where he’d make all my stress dissipate.

  “I’ll miss you,” I managed to say.

  “Yeah. It’s going to be quiet without you around. I’m sure I’ll find something to get into. There’s a men’s physique competition a few of my friends are competing in. I may go check that out.”

  “Can I call you?” I don’t know why, but I felt like this was goodbye, and I hated it.

  “I’d rather you not. Don’t give Grayson a reason to become angry. Devote your time to him, even if it’s to tell him goodbye. You both deserve it. Closure is a bitch, but you can’t leave it unresolved.”

  I hugged Chad, unable to give up hope that I’d come home to him. “Thank you for understanding. You’re very kind. I’m lucky to have you in my life. I’m just sorry you have to deal with it, with all of my drama.”

  “Yeah, I knew what I was getting into. It’s cool. I’m not a relationship kind of guy, but I get it. You however, you deserve to be madly in love with a man who wants the same. It’s obvious Grayson is trying. Otherwise, he would have given up sooner. You always said he was a good guy, Rach. Maybe this weekend will settle your mind. Maybe you’ll say goodbye. Maybe you’ll rekindle what you once had for each other.”

  Tears were forming in my eyes. It was like Chad already knew who I’d want to be with in the long run, so he was letting me go. I wanted him to fight for me, for what was happening between us, but he wouldn’t budge. Chad seemed like he couldn’t care less about me going to be alone with Grayson, almost as if he expected me to fall back in love with him. It hurt me, because for the past month I’d spent every waking second imagining a life with him. Now I didn’t know where my heart would take me, and that scared the shit out of me.

  I fastened my hand around his tie and pulled him close to me, my lips dragging over his as I spoke. “Give me a reason to stay. Tell me not to go. Tell me you want me for yourself.”

  “We don’t have time to get into this. You need to leave from here. He’s already waiting for you.”

  I kissed him once again, this time with enough intent to make him reconsider. “I’m sure we can be quick. Don’t you want me?”

  “Rach, you’re playing with fire. This will only complicate things.”

  I shoved him hard against the cement walls of the stairwell. “Don’t make me beg, Chad.” I slipped my blazer off, tossing it onto the hard stone floor beneath me. My hands went for his trousers, determined to unbutton them. He pulled me closer, flicking his tongue on my bottom lip before taking my mouth for a lustful ride. We were too engulfed to consider being discovered. I wouldn’t have cared. Chad was going to take me in the stairwell, and I was prepared to let him. “Don’t stop,” I begged.

  I freed his erection, keeping one hand firm around his girth. He picked me up, spinning us around until my back was pressed against the wall. My skirt was shoved higher, and my panties off to the side, exposing my pussy. “Is this what you want? You want to be a bad girl?”

  I nodded and teased his tongue with mine. “I want to fuck, right here, right now.”

  He entered me, forcing his way inside my tight walls. My hold weakened as the engulfment of sensations rushed over me. I bellowed out his name as he forcefully thrust. “Don’t stop.”

  “Your pussy’s soaked, Rach. I’m going to come fast.”

  I wanted him to. I wanted to feel him tightening and losing control. It’s how I wanted to think about him when I was away. I needed to know he wasn’t going to go out and replace me, because without him I’d be lost and overwhelmed with remorse. Chad took the pain away, again and again.

  “Harder. Slam into me. Show me how you like it, Chad. Show me how you come.”

  He lost it. Those few words helped it happen quick. He let his hold relax and I felt my feet hitting the ground. His heavy breathing was tucked against my neck. He kissed me there, slowly, using a little tongue. “Damn, woman. Just damn.”

  He backed away from me, breaking our connection, his pants around his ankles. “What?” I asked.

  “I know what you’re doing.”

  He couldn’t, but even if it was possible, I refused to argue. I was too elated. “Deal with it. When I get back to my apartment Sunday, I want you there.”

  “Rach, don’t make plans with me yet. You don’t know what will happen.”

  “I do. I already know.”

  He brought his finger up to my lips to stop me from speaking then shook his head. “If only life were that easy.” He paused for a moment. “I want you to have a nice weekend. Wherever your heart leads you know I’ve enjoyed being close to you, getting to know the person you are on the inside, and without clothes. Life is crazy. Shit happens we can’t control. We have to live it to the fullest.” His hand came up and brushed my cheek. I leaned into it and closed my eyes. “Be safe driving. I’ll see you on Monday.”

  I watched Chad walk away from me. He went so fast I knew I wouldn’t be able to catch up in heels. There was so much I wanted to say to him, to know about how he felt, but I didn’t have time to ask him. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to find closure before I looked toward the future.

  Chapter 28

  Grayson

  We had plans to meet at a park and ride off the beltway, in between her office and our home. I’d been sitting there waiting for nearly fifteen minutes when she finally pulled into the spot next to me.

  Rachel had never looked better. She’d changed her appearance, and even began wearing more makeup. She seemed less stressed, up until her eyes locked on mine. Then I watched a concerned grimace take over her face. I got out of the car to greet her and place her bag in the trunk. She rolled her eyes and met me a the rear of the vehicle. “You look nice,” I noted.

  “Whatever. Don’t think that charming me will change the way I feel. I’m doing this for closure, Grayson. I’m tired of being in limbo.”

  “Fair enough. Although, I would appreciate it if we left our baggage here in this parking lot, and I’m not talking about your overnight bag. It’s only fair if we go into this with open minds, Rachel. I’m not asking you to relive the past. I’m asking for a new future, where we could start over and build something stronger than we’ve ever had before.”

  “I understand what you’re asking of me. I’ll do my best. This isn’t exactly how I would have liked this to go, but I’m here and I’ll try to keep an open mind.”

  “What about the guy you’re seeing? Chad?”

  “You know who he is?” I finally got her attention. “When did you figure it out?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I need to know this weekend will be about us. It’s only fair to leave everything else in our lives behind. It’s for three days. That’s all I’m asking. If you decide we’re over, I’ll watch you walk away. I won’t fight with you. It’s ultimately your decision.”

  Rachel tossed her bag in the trunk and headed for the passenger seat of the car without replying to my comment. I couldn’t tell whether she was annoyed, or afraid of what I knew. It didn’t matter. Unless I had her full attention this weekend wouldn’t help us.<
br />
  I’d been driving for ten miles before she spoke. “Are we going to stop somewhere for dinner? I’m starving.”

  “I had a place in mind. It’s about twenty minutes from here. Can you wait that long?”

  She stared out the window as she answered. “Yeah.”

  The place I wanted to take her was special. I knew she wouldn’t remember it until we arrived. We hadn’t gone there since my first wife had passed away. It was on the way to the institution she’d been living at. We’d taken the drive to pick up the little bit of her belongings she’d been able to keep. On the way home we were hungry and exhausted. We pulled over at the first place we came to, which happened to be a motel with a small diner attached. After we had a home-cooked meal, we sat there talking for hours, finally succumbing to our fatigued bodies. We got a room, but after an emotional embrace, one thing led to another. We stayed up half the night making love, discovering new things about each other, and setting the pace for a future wedding. That following weekend I asked her to be my wife. We’d never looked back after that trip, and I hoped somewhere in her heart she’d be able to reconnect with me again.

  Fortunate for me, this wasn’t the only surprise I had up my sleeve. Like it or not, we weren’t going to a couples retreat, not like one she assumed. I’d made reservations for a cabin, secluded from everything else. We’d be in the middle of the woods with no cell service or electricity. It was a desperate attempt, but I knew once I got her there she’d have no choice but to give me a chance. I wasn’t thinking she’d go along with it calmly. I was hoping for a miracle to guide us in the right direction for our future. I already knew where I wanted to be in in five years time. It was up to Rachel to make her own decision, whether it was with me, or someone else.

  It wasn’t long before I pulled into the old motel parking lot. Rachel hadn’t been paying much attention until the gravel started picking up as the tires moved further. She took in her surroundings, finally turning to address the situation. “I know this place.”