Overcoming Depression For Dummies

by Smith, Laura L.

  Why does stroking a pet improve your health and mood? No one knows for sure. However, pets help stop you focusing on yourself and your problems – by demanding love and attention and giving you warmth and affection in return. Many studies show that being wrapped up in yourself deepens depression – shifting attention away from yourself is great for improving your state of mind.

  Taking Time Out

  Again, we can’t exactly say why, but spending time outdoors seems to do a much better job of brightening moods than does staying in. In the winter, it may be the natural light that helps, because the sun gives out a far brighter light than you get inside a building. And bright light appears to ease seasonal affective disorder, or SAD (refer to Chapters 2 and 16 for more information).

  However, being outdoors may lift your mood because it puts you in contact with nature. We don’t know of specific studies suggesting that nature improves moods, but we do know that almost all our clients report feeling much better after spending time outdoors. When outside, try focusing on and absorbing what’s going on around you.Rather than looking inwards – concentrate on looking outwards – leaving your worries and anxieties safely at home.

  Mellowing Your Mood with Mindfulness

  You may be able to get out of a low mood simply by accepting that it’s an inevitable part of life. Sounds confusing? Actually, the idea isn’t that complicated. Wringing your hands and wailing at your misfortune feeds and intensifies your low mood. But when you accept your low mood as unpleasant but unavoidable under the circumstances, it loses some of its power over you. If this idea still sounds confusing, read Chapter 18.

  You may also want to think about living in the here and now. Try connecting with the present rather than dwelling on upsetting thoughts about the past or future. Ths exercise can help you refocus your thoughts, helping you to experience the here and now.

  1. Notice the rhythm of your breathing.

  2. Feel the air as it passes through your nostrils and into your lungs.

  3. Notice how good the air feels.

  4. Notice how your body feels. Focus only on your bodily sensations.

  5. Return to the rhythm of your breathing.

  6. Feel where your body touches the surface on which you’re sitting, standing, or lying.

  7. Notice how nice the air feels as it flows through your body.

  8. Imagine the oxygen being drawn into your lungs on the in-breath.

  9. Now imagine as you breathe out that the oxygen is moving through your blood.

  10. Feel the oxygen flowing down your arms and legs, and all the way to the tips of your fingers and toes.

  11. Continue noticing these various sensations for five or ten minutes.

  When you connect with the present, you let go of negative thoughts about the future or past. The ‘now’ is usually far more tolerable, even pleasant, compared with your mind’s worries about the future or its concerns about the past.

  Chapter 21

  Ten Ways of Helping a Child with Depression

  In This Chapter

  Preventing depression in the first place

  Recognising depression in children

  Helping a depressed child

  Depression in children is often called the ‘tweenie blues’, but children as young as 10 are being treated for depression. The Royal College of Psychiatrists says depression affects 1 in 200 children under the age of 12, and 2 to 3 per cent of teenagers. The increasing depression among children may relate to the pressure on them to grow up faster and to copy popular media idols. It may also link to more family breakdowns, and increased bullying in schools. (Refer to Chapter 1 for a more detailed discussion of the causes of depression.)

  Stopping depression from occurring in the first place is of course the best solution. So, this chapter provides tips for reducing, minimising, and even preventing depression in children. We also discuss what to do if your child, or a child you care about, becomes depressed, because not all depression can be prevented, despite your best efforts.

  Finding Fun

  Children, like adults, thrive when they feel engaged, involved, and interested in what they’re doing. Go looking for activities and hobbies that your child finds interesting and that he can enjoy. You may have to try many different activities, such as dance, drama, swimming, playing music, trampolining, tennis, computers, art, football, or cricket. Try to find a hobby that you know your child is likely to be reasonably good at and stands a chance of performing successfully.

  Then make sure that your child has plenty of opportunities to take part in his chosen hobby or sport.

  Helping your child to get involved in an absorbing activity can help in preventing depression. The hobby gives the child something to look forward to, and helps him develop social support networks and become more socially skilled. It can also be great fun, very satisfying, and strengthen the relationship between parent and child – what more can you ask?

  Setting Boundaries

  Many parents are reluctant to discipline their children. They’re afraid that they’re going to upset their children and make them feel bad, and that setting limits is going to drive their children away. They want to be ‘best mates’ with their children. But parenting isn’t about being your child’s best friend.

  Care enough to discipline your child. Psychologists know that self-control and the ability to tolerate frustration are the two most important skills to pick up in childhood. Armed with these skills, children are more likely to be able to face whatever life throws at them. Children can’t learn self-control unless their parents give them clear rules to follow and reasons for keeping them. following the rules provides an incentive for finding ways of coping.

  Disciplining children can be hard work. Sometimes it may be so tempting to ignore unacceptable behaviour. But your children are counting on you. When your child misbehaves, use it as an opportunity to show your child an important lesson. Children who know how to control their feelings are far less likely to become depressed.

  Giving Feedback

  When your child behaves unacceptably, by all means point out the misdemeanor – criticise the behaviour, not the child. Calling a child ‘stupid’ or ‘bad’ paves the way for depression. You can label the behaviour ‘bad’ – for example, ‘stealing is bad’ or ‘hitting your sister is wrong’. If you apply such labels to your child instead of the behaviour you risk laying the foundation of your child developing negative self-images and having fixed views (core beliefs and life-lenses) that are difficult to change. (Refer to Chapter 7 for more about core beliefs and life-lenses.)

  Climbing Every Mountain

  Try giving your child the opportunity to accomplish something difficult. Children learn self-confidence by mastering difficult, complex tasks. Help your child with creative play activities, or acquiring a skill such as riding a bike, playing a musical instrument (if you can!). During the learning process, your child is no doubt going to experience frustration and fatigue. Encourage perseverance.

  Life isn’t easy. Children who know about working hard carry that ability into adulthood. As a result, they’re much more likely to be able to successfully and effectively tackle many of life’s problems, including depression.

  Reviewing Responsibilities

  Many parents find it easier to do the household chores themselves rather than having to nag their children for help. That’s a mistake. Children need to feel connected and useful. Participating in family responsibilities helps children develop into adults who share tasks and who have a sense of fairness and equality.

  When you allow children to take without giving, they begin to feel special – perhaps too special. Laziness at home may be acceptable to some parents, but when children go out into the big wide world, others can regard that sense of being special and entitlement simply as proof that the child is spoiled rotten. The resulting rejection may be one of the triggers of depression. So don’t be afraid to give responsibility, and help your children grow into happier adults.<
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  Talking and Listening

  No matter what, do make sure that your children are able to talk freely to you. What do we mean by ‘talk freely’? First, listen without interrupting. Let your children tell their stories. Second, don’t judge or criticise your children’s feelings. The following example illustrates both the wrong way and the right way to listen:

  Brenda sobs to her mother: ‘No one likes me. Everyone thinks I’m stupid. I feel awful. I don’t want to go to school any more.’

  Her mother could respond with: ‘Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no reason for you to feel awful. You’ve got loads of friends. And don’t think for a second that you’ll get away with not going to school!’

  But a better response is: ‘It sounds like you’re feeling pretty miserable. What happened?’

  The better response wasn’t judgemental and encouraged more talking. Notice how the first response is likely to stop any conversation dead. Your child is only going to talk to you if she feels she is being listened to and understood. Even if you don’t agree with what your child is saying, at least let your child come out with what’s on her mind.

  Recognising Depression

  When children have depression, they experience similar symptoms to those that depressed eadults have. They feel sad, lose interest in things that they previously found interesting, have trouble concentrating, and have low self-esteem. (Refer to Chapter 2 for more on the signs and symptoms of depression.)

  Children may differ from adults in that their moods can vary more over the course of a day. Depressed children are often irritable and moody. The early warning signs of depression in children include:

  Dropping out of school.

  Loss of interest in usual activities.

  Overreacting to criticism or rejection.

  Poorer marks at school.

  Risky behaviour, such as taking drugs or reckless driving.

  Vague physical complaints, such as headaches and tummy aches.

  Withdrawing from friends.

  Don’t ignore signs of depression in your children. Depression is a serious problem, and it isn’t a normal part of childhood. Suicide rates have increased sincethe 1970s for males aged 15 to 19. Take changes in your child’s mood seriously.

  Looking Beneath the Surface

  Depression stems from a variety of sources. If your child shows signs of depression, exploring all possible causes is very important. Although depression does have genetic and biological factors, outside stress often contributes to it.

  Many parents blame themselves for their child’s depression. But self-blame and guilt won’t help your child. It’s true that family life may play a role in depression. Do investigate the possibility, and get help if you find any indication that your family life is in some way affecting your child.

  Children spend a lot of their lives outside the home. Possible causes of depression include:

  Bullying at school

  Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse (this may be unknown to the family)

  Social rejection

  Unidentified academic problems, such as learning disabilities

  Unidentified health problems

  If your child is depressed, carefully explore all contributing factors. Trying to treat the depression without understanding the causes may sabotage the effectiveness of your child’s treatment. For example, if your child is depressed because he’s being bullied at school, although giving antidepressant medication may improve mood and concentration, it doesn’t address the underlying problem.

  Accessing Assistance

  If you suspect that your child is depressed, do get help at once. Depression in children can be treated with many of the same tools that help adults, including psychological therapy and antidepressant medication. Be prepared to take an active part in your child’s treatment.

  Don’t feel guilty or embarrassed about taking your child for help. If you get treatment early for your child’s depression, you may prevent your child from experiencing repeated depressions later in life. Refer to Chapter 4 for advice on how to find the right help.

  Loving Unconditionally

  Part of growing up involves testing limits. Children play up, are disobedient, and wear weird clothes. But let’s face it, what would adolescence be without a little rebellion? Some children do go to greater lengths, perhaps shocking their parents with body piercings or tattoos, or even shoplifting and using drugs.

  Parents typically feel angry and outraged at such behaviour. However, you have to make an important distinction between reacting to unacceptable behaviour and bearing the consequences, versus the total rejection and rage. You need to let your children know that, no matter what, you love them. That doesn’t mean that you can’t express displeasure or disappointment. But do balance criticism with concern. Remember that care and love go hand in hand with discipline.

  Chapter 22

  Ten Ways of Helping a Friend or Partner with Depression

  In This Chapter

  Being a friend – not a therapist

  Realising that your loved one’s depression isn’t personal

  Putting time on your side

  Few things are more distressing than seeing someone you love suffering from depression. You care, and you want to help. But most people don’t know where to start. This chapter gives you ten ideas of how you can help someone you care about who’s going through depression.

  Recognising Depression

  Recognising that your partner or friend is feeling depressed is the first and most important step in offering help. You can read the entire list of symptoms of depression in Chapter 2, but do remember that diagnosing depression is a job for the professionals.

  However, perhaps you’ve noticed lately that your loved one is acting differently, showing such changes as:

  Losing her appetite or disturbed sleep pattern

  Belittling herself

  Losing interest in leisure activities

  Increasing irritability

  Feeling lethargic

  Lower mood than usual

  Problems concentrating or making decisions

  If your partner has more than one or two of these symptoms, it is likely she is feeling depressed. It’s unwise to make the diagnosis yourself, but what you can do is gently discuss the possibility of depression, and urge your partner to check this out with a psychological therapist or the family doctor (see the section ‘Recommending Help’).

  Recommending Help

  One of the most useful things you can do is to encourage your partner to get help. You can start by recommending Overcoming Depression For Dummies by Elaine Iljon-Foreman, Laura Smith, and Charles Elliott (Wiley) – just be sure you point out that you’re not suggesting that your friend is thick! You can also suggest seeing the family doctor. If your partner agrees to see a therapist and doesn’t get around to doing so, offer to help find one. Read Chapter 4 for ideas on how to go about finding a good therapist.

  If seeing a professional feels too threatening for your partner, the Internet has lots of resources.

  The Internet contains an incredible amount of useful information. However, this can’t replace professional help. Be aware that although some Web sites are reliable, others are anything but! We give you the addresses of some helpful and trustworthy Web sites in the Appendix.

  You can offer help to someone you know who’s suffering from depression, but you really can’t solve the problem for them. You can’t be responsible for their depression, or even be responsible for making sure the person you care about gets help. Offering to help your partner to get the help they need is realistically as far as you can go.

  Just Listening

  More than anything else, be aware that it really isn’t up to you to cure your loved one of depression. Even if you’re a trained professional such as a counsellor, GP, or psychological therapist, it’s almost impossible to treat someone you’re emotionally involved with. Friends and relatives just can’t stand back and don’t have the n
ecessary objectivity required for effective treatment. Your job is to be there to listen, not to treat, or solve, the problem.