Overcoming Depression For Dummies

by Smith, Laura L.

  Think of your role as that of a sounding board. Listen with empathy and concern. You may want to share similar feelings you’ve had in the past. As a listener you may find yourself being tempted to talk your loved one out of her depression. Don’t give in to that temptation. You’re most likely to come up against resistance, and even a possible worsening of the symptoms.

  All your loved one needs from you is a sympathetic ear. Professionals are the only people who can actually intervene therapeutically.

  Taking Care of Yourself

  Helping someone you care about who’s depressed can be draining. Listening to tales of woe and misery isn’t always easy. We advise that you connect, listen, and empathise only as far as you can. While trying to help don’t let yourself get dragged down into depression in the process.

  Attending to your own needs is vital. Continue living your own life. Go out and enjoy yourself. Connect with friends and keep a balance in your life. If you put all that you have into helping your loved one, you can all too easily lose the capacity to help, even risk experiencing depression yourself.

  Biting Back Criticism

  If your loved one is depressed, the last thing he needs is you criticising him. Nonetheless, you may find yourself tempted to do so when you hear some of the things he’s saying. For example, he may say something like, ‘I’m no good to anyone any more.’ Hearing something like that, you may find yourself sputtering ‘That’s ridiculous! How on earth can you say something so stupid?’

  Try to use empathy instead. Perhaps say, ‘I know you feel like that. I don’t really agree with you, but it must feel pretty awful to think that.’

  Also, your partner may make it seem as if he’s goading you into criticising him. Given his increased irritability, he may then criticise you more than usual. You can then easily feel tempted to defend yourself. Try to resist biting back, recognising that his criticism probably springs from his depression, rather than anything else.

  No Offence: Appreciating That It’s Not Personal

  When someone you love is depressed, it’s pretty easy to think you’ve done something to cause it, so it’s really all your fault. Do realise that depression has many causes, and can link to genetics, biological factors, disease, drugs, childhood events, cultural aspects, and many other reasons including no doubt some as yet unidentified. (Refer to Chapter 2 for more information.)

  That’s not to say that your relationship with your loved one has no bearing whatsoever on her depression. It may be very relevant, and even a strong factor. Be open to the idea of working on your relationship – perhaps through counselling, if that seems appropriate. And consider reading and putting the ideas we present in Chapter 14 into practice. But do remember that blaming yourself for your partner’s depression won’t help. And that anyway, in most cases, other things besides the relationship carry far greater weight.

  Practising Patience

  In the case of a major depression (refer to Chapter 2 for more information about the various types of depression), you need to understand that treatment takes time. Even antidepressant medication typically requires a few weeks to start working. Also, some depression takes considerable research to identify the right medication for the person, which can take several months.

  Psychotherapy also takes time to work. On average, you can expect some improvement within two to three months, but many cases require a longer period of time. And as with medication, sometimes the first therapist doesn’t work out, and your loved one may need to search for another mental health professional to receive the right type of help for her. (Refer to Chapter 4 for information about finding help for depression.)

  Avoid falling into the trap of thinking that your loved one actually wants to feel depressed. We truly believe that no one wants to feel depressed. Sometimes a person with depression can act in ways that seem a bit irrational, or self-defeating, but that doesn’t mean that the depression is actually desired.

  Try to be patient. You may need to get the help of a therapist if the task of getting your loved one to see a therapist proves too difficult.

  Showing That You Care

  When people become depressed, they really do need the care and concern of loved ones more than ever. Unfortunately, people with depression sometimes push others away. Although it may seem as if your loved one actually prefers to be alone and isolated, don’t you believe it.

  Whether your efforts are appreciated or not, continue to do caring things for your partner. Send a card or flowers. In Chapter 14 we give you a whole host of nice things you can do for someone who’s suffering from depression.

  Providing Encouragement and Staying Hopeful

  Feeling hopeless is one of the more common symptoms of depression. Yet, the vast majority of people with depression improve and eventually overcome depression.

  If you listen too much to what someone with depression says, you may find yourself starting to buy into the hopelessness you’re hearing. The fact is, many people with depression can present you with pretty convincing evidence about the awfulness and hopelessness of their lives. However, you need to understand that a depressed mind can generate thoughts that are nearly always greatly distorted. Thus, the ‘evidence’ your partner gives you probably isn’t all that accurate. Refer to Chapters 5, 6, and 7 for more about how depression distorts thinking.

  When you understand how a depressed mind can distort the hopelessness of a situation, it becomes easier to stay encouraging and supportive. Your loved one doesn’t want you to give up, no matter what he says. So, do keep on staying hopeful. Your partner needs to hear your message saying ‘I believe in you’.

  Enabling Exercise

  Earlier in this chapter, we stressed that if you’re emotionally involved with the person suffering from depression it’s impossible to be the therapist as well. That’s not up for dispute. But there is one therapeutic activity you can encourage your partner to take up: try getting your loved one to do some form of regular exercise. Ideally, you can share the activity with your partner. Physical activity has a positive effect on depression. The more active you are, the better. Refer to Chapter 10 for more about the positive effects of exercise on depression.

  Encouraging someone who’s depressed to exercise is a good idea, but don’t push too hard. Some people, especially those with severe depression, simply can’t get themselves sufficiently energised to exercise. Pressurising someone into exercise isn’t worth the possible damage it may cause to your relationship – especially if you find that you’re hitting your head against a brick wall attempting to get your partner started. The saying ‘You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink’ has some truth to it.

  Appendix

  Resources for You

  Here we provide some additional resources to help you find out more about depression and how to defeat it. In addition, we give you resources to help you deal with other emotional issues, such as anxiety and relationship problems, which sometimes contribute to depression. Many other excellent books and Web sites are available. In dealing with most emotional problems, reading more than one book is often a good idea.

  Self-Help Books

  A list of self-help books we recommend:

  Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, by Martin E. P. Seligman (Free Press)

  Changing For Good: The Revolutionary Program that Explains the Six Stages of Change and Teaches You How to Free Yourself From Bad Habits, by James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross, and Carlo C. DiClemente (William Morrow & Co., Inc.)

  Choosing to Live: How to Defeat Suicide Through Cognitive Therapy, by Thomas E. Ellis and Cory F. Newman (New Harbinger Publications)

  Cognitive Therapy of Depression, by Aaron T. Beck, A. John Rush, Brian F. Shaw, and Gary Emery (Guilford Press)

  Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better: Profound Self-Help Therapy for Your Emotions, by Albert Ellis (Impact Publishers, Inc.)

  Full Catastroph
e Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness, by Jon Kabat-Zinn (Delta)

  Interpersonal Psychotherapy of Depression, by Gerald L. Klerman, Myrna M. Weissman, Bruce J. Rounsaville, and Eve S. Chevron (Basic Books)

  Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, by Aaron T. Beck (HarperCollins)

  Love, Medicine and Miracles (Cancer self-help) by Bernie Siegel (Rider)

  Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing The Way You Think, by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky (Guildford Press)

  Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction, by Thomas Bien and Beverly Bien (Wiley Publishing, Inc.)

  Overcoming Anxiety for Dummies, by Elaine Iljon Foreman, Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith (Wiley Publishing, Inc.)

  Overcoming Depression. Paul Gilbert Constable And Robinson (United Kingdom), 2000 Paperback, 352 pages Size: 196x130 mm ISBN: 9781841191256 ISBN-10: 1841191256

  Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression, by Joseph J. Luciani (Wiley Publishing, Inc.)

  The Artists Way, Julia Cameron, 1994, Pan Macmullan Ltd. - a 12 week course that helps you get beyone the critic in the mind & start being creative & self-directed

  The Mindful Way Through – Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic Unhappiness by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn. (Guilford Press)

  The Feeling Good Handbook, by David D. Burns (Plume)

  The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (Amber-Allen Publishing)

  The Guided Meditations for Busy People by Bodhipaksa (available for Friends of the Western Buddhist Order stores) or from their Web site, www.wildmind.org)

  The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, by Andrew Solomon (Touchstone Books)

  The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle (New World Library)

  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman and Nan Silverman (Three Rivers Press)

  Why Can’t I Get What I Want? How to Stop Making the Same Old Mistakes and Start Living a Life You Can Love, by Charles H. Elliott and Maureen Kirby Lassen (Davies-Black Publishing)

  Your Perfect Right, by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons (Impact Publishers, Inc.)

  Resources to Help Children

  We recommend the following books for helping your child overcome depression:

  Hollow Kids: Recapturing the Soul of a Generation Lost to the Self-Esteem Myth, by Laura L. Smith and Charles H. Elliott (Prima Publishing)

  Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child, by Katharina Manassis (Barrons Educational Series)

  SOS Help for Parents, by Lynn Clark (Parents Press)

  The Optimistic Child: Proven Program to Safeguard Children from Depression and Build Lifelong Resistance, by Martin E. P. Seligman (Perennial)

  Why Can’t I Be the Parent I Want to Be? End Old Patterns and Enjoy Your Children, by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith (New Harbinger Publications, Inc.)

  Helpful Web Sites and Electronic Resources

  If you type the word depression into a search engine, you get access to an endless stream of possible resources. You need to beware, though, because the Internet is filled with clever advertisements and gimmicks. Be especially cautious about official sounding organizations that heavily promote expensive materials. And don’t believe absurd promises of quick, instant cures for depression.

  Many Web forums host chat rooms for people who have depression and other related emotional problems. Feel free to access them for support. At the same time, realize that you have no idea who you’re talking to when you join a Web forum. The other people in the forum may be uneducated about depression or, even worse, trying to take advantage of a person in distress.

  Here’s a list of some legitimate Web sites that don’t sell snake oil but do provide excellent information about depression and related emotional issues.

  Good quality information is more likely to be found on websites provided by governmental, professional and charitable organisations.

  A 2008 article looked at the variation in quality of information across a variety of websites. The conclusion reached is that good quality information is most likely to be found on websites provided by governmental, professional and charitable organisations. This is worth keeping in mind when surfing the Internet,

  Electronic Quality Information for Patients (www.equip.nhs.uk). An NHS Website with very helpful; information relating to quality health and social care information for UK patients, their families and carers. Also includes useful links to other websites

  The British Psychological Society (www.bps.org.uk). Provides information about the treatment of, as well as interesting facts about, depression and other emotional disorders.

  Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (www.mbct.co.uk). This Web site provides additional information about Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.

  National Institute of Clinical Excellence (www.nimh.nih.gov). Reports on research about a wide variety of mental health issues. They also have an array of educational materials on depression. They provide resources for researchers and practitioners in the field.

  BBC Health Conditions: Depression (www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/depression1) Useful website with information and self-help tips.

  The Centre for Mindfullness Research and Practice (www.bangor.ac.uk/mindfulness) Offering an information resource on mindfulness-based approaches and a networking facility for professionals in the field in the UK and in Europe.

  British Holistic Medical Association Self help tapes: Each comes with an explanatory booklet and list of recommended reading, providing a programme especially designed to teach new self-help skills.

  • Introducing Meditation, by Dr Sarah Eagger

  • Imagery for Relaxation, by Dr Duncan Johnson

  • Getting to Sleep, by Dr Ashley Conway

  • Coping with Persistent Pain, by Dr James Hawkins

  • Coping with Stress, by Dr David Peters

  • The Breath of Life, by Dr Patrick Pietroni

  Advice and Support

  Depression Alliance: Tel: 0845 123 2320; Web site: www.depressionalliance.org. Depression Alliance is a UK charity for people with depression. Information and support services are provided to those who are affected by it via publications, supporter services and network of self-help groups for people affected by depression. A user-focused organisation, with offices in England and a sister charity in Scotland.

  Fellowship of Depressives Anonymous: Tel: 0870 774 4320; Web site: www.depressionanon.co.uk

  Mind (National Association for Mental Health): Web site: Mind.org.uk The National Association for Mental Health in the United Kingdom campaigns on behalf of those with mental illness. Very helpful factsheets and information.

  SANE: Web site: sane.org.uk. Mental Health Charity meeting the challenge of mental illness. Information on all aspects of mental illness including depression and manic depression.