Hogfather

by Terry Pratchett

Page 23

 

  Pickled walnuts, said Susan absently. What do they do with the teeth? What use is there for a lot of teeth? But . . . what harm can a tooth fairy do?

  Have we got time to find one and ask her? said the oh god. Time isnt the problem, said Susan. There are those who believe knowledge is something that is acquired - a precious ore hacked, as it were, from the grey strata of ignorance. There are those who believe that knowledge can only be recalled, that there was some Golden Age in the distant past when everything was known and the stones fitted together so you could hardly put a knife between them, you know, and its obvious they had flying machines, right, because of the way the earthworks can only be seen from above, yeah? and theres this museum I read about where they found a pocket calculator under the altar of this ancient temple, you know what Im saying? but the government hushed it up . . . 18 Mustrum Ridcully believed that knowledge could be acquired by shouting at people, and was endeavouring to do so. The wizards were sitting around the Uncommon Room table, which was piled high with books. It is Hogswatch, Archchancellor, said the Dean reproachfully, thumbing through an ancient volume. Not until midnight, said Ridcully. Sortin this out will give you fellows an appetite for your dinner.

  I think I might have something, Archchancellor, said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. This is Woddeleys Basic Gods. Theres some stuff here about lares and penates that seems to it the bill.

  Lares and penates? What were they when they were at home? said Ridcully. Hahaha, said the Chair. What? said Ridcully. I thought you were making a rather good joke, Archchancellor, said the Chair. Was I? I didnt mean to, said Ridcully. 18 Its amazing how good governments are, given their track record in almost every other field, at hushing up things like alien encounters. One reason may be that the aliens themselves are too embarrassed to talk about it. Its not known why most of the space-going races of the universe want to undertake rummaging in Earthling underwear as a prelude to formal contact. But representatives of several hundred races have taken to hanging out, unsuspected by one another, in rural corners of the planet and, as a result of this, keep on abducting other would-be abductees. Some have been in fad abducted while waiting to carry out an abduction on a couple of other aliens trying to abduct the aliens who were, as a result of misunderstood instructions, trying to form cattle into circles and mutilate crops. The planet Earth is now banned to an alien races until they can compare notes and find out how many, if any, real humans they have actually got. It is gloomily suspected that there is only one who is big, hairy and has very large feet. The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

  Nothing new there, said the Dean, under his breath. What was that, Dean?

  Nothing, Archchancellor.

  I thought you made the reference “at home” because they are, in fact, household gods. Or were, rather. They seemed to have faded away long ago. They were . . . little spirits of the house, like, for example--- Three of the other wizards, thinking quite fast for wizards, clapped their hands over his mouth. Careful! said Ridcully. Careless talk creates lives! Thats why weve got a big fat God of Indigestion being ill in the privy. By the way,. wheres the Bursar?

  He was in the privy, Archchancellor, said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. What, when the-?

  Yes, Archchancellor.

  Oh, well, Im sure hell be all right, said Ridcully, in the matter-of-fact voice of someone contemplating something nasty that was happening to someone else out of earshot. But we dont want any more of these . . . whatre they, Chair?

  Lares and penates, Archchancellor, but I wasnt suggesting---

  Seems dear to me. Somethings gone wrong and these little devils are coming back. All we have to do is find out whats gone wrong and put it right.

  Oh, well, Im glad thats all sorted out, said the Dean. Household gods, said Ridcully. Thats what they are, Chair? He opened the drawer in his hat and took out his pipe. Yes, Archchancellor. It says here they used to be the . . . local spirits, I suppose. They saw to it that the bread rose and the butter churned properly.

  Did they eat pencils? What was their attitude in the socks department?

  This was back in the time of the First Empire, said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. Sandals and togas and so on.

  Ah. Not noticeably socked?

  Not excessively so, no. And it was nine hundred years before Osric Pencillium first discovered, in the graphiterich sands of the remote island of Sumtri, the small bush which, by dint of careful cultivation, he induced to produce the long-

  Yes, we can all see youve got the encyclopaedia open under the table, Chair, said Ridcully. But I daresay things have changed a bit. Moved with the times. Bound to have been a few developments. Once they looked after the bread rising, now we have things that eat pencils and socks and see to it that you can never find a dean towel when you want one- There was a distant tinkling. He stopped. I just said that, didnt P he said. The wizards nodded glumly. And this is the first time anyones mentioned it? The wizards nodded again. Well, dammit, its amazing, you can never find a dean towel when--- There was a rising wheeee noise. A towel went by at shoulder height. There was a suggestion of many small wings. That was mine, said the Lecturer in Recent Runes reproachfully. The towel disappeared in the direction of the Great Hall. Towel Wasps, said the Dean. Well done, Archchancellor.

  Well, I mean, dammit, its human nature, isnt it? said Ridcully hotly. Things go wrong, things get lost, its natural to invent little creatures that - All right, all right, Ill be careful. Im just saying man is naturally a mythopoeic creature.

  Whats that mean? said the Senior Wrangler. Means we make things up as we go along, said the Dean, not looking up. Um . . . excuse me, gentlemen, said Ponder Stibbons, who had been scribbling thoughtfully at the end of the table. Are we suggesting that things are coming back? Do we think thats a viable hypothesis? The wizards looked at one another around the table. Definitely viable. `Viable, right enough. - Yes, thats the stuff to give the troops.

  What is? Whats the stuff to give the troops?

  Well . . . tinned rations? Decent weapons, good boots . . . that sort of thing.

  Whats that got to do with anything?

  Dont ask me. He was the one who started talking about giving stuff to the troops.

  Will you lot shut up? No ones giving anything to the troops!

  Oh, shouldnt they have something? Its Hogswatch, after all.

  Look it was just a figure of speech, all right? I just meant I was. fully in agreement. Its just colourful language. Good grief, you surely cant think Im actually suggesting giving stuff to the troops, at Hogswatch or any other time!

  You werent?

  No!" Thats a bit mean, isnt it? Ponder just let it happen. Its because their minds are so often involved with deep and problematic matters, he told himself, that their mouths are allowed to wander around making a nuisance of themselves. I dont hold with using that thinking machine, said the Dean. Ive said this before. Its meddling with the Cult. The occult has always been good enough for me, thank you very much.

  On the other hand its the only person round here who can think straight and it does what its told, said Ridcully. The sleigh roared through the snow, leaving rolling trails in the sky. Oh, what fun, muttered Albert, hanging on tightly. The runners hit a roof near the University and the pigs trotted to a halt. Death looked at the hourglass again. ODD, he said. Its a scythe job, then? said Albert. You wont be wanting the false beard and the jolly laugh? He looked around, and puzzlement replaced sarcasm. Hey . . . how could anyone be dead up here? Someone was. A corpse lay in the snow. It was dear that the man had only just died. Albert squinted up at the sky. Theres nowhere to fall from and theres no footprints in the snow, he said, as Death swung his scythe. So where did he come from? Looks like someones personal guard. Been stabbed to death. Nasty knife wound there, see?

  Its not good, agreed the spirit of the man, looking down at himself. Then he stared from himself to Albert to Death and his phantom expression we
nt from shock to concern. They got the teeth! All of them! They just walked in . . . and . . . they . . . no, wait. . He faded and was gone. Well, what was that all about? said Albert.

  I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS. See that badge on his shirt? Looks like a drawing of a tooth. YES. IT DOES. Wheres that come from? A PLACE I CANNOT GO. Albert looked down at the mysterious corpse and then back up at Deaths impassive skull. I keep thinking it was a funny thing, us bumping into your grand-daughter like that, he said. YES. Albert put his head on one side. Given the large number of chimneys and kids in the world, ekcetra. INDEED… Amazing coincidence, really. IT JUST GOES TO SHOW. Hard to believe, you might say. LIFE CERTAINLY SPRINGS A FEW SURPRISES. Not just life, I reckon, said Albert. And she got real worked up, didnt she? Flew right off the ole handle. Wouldnt be surprised if she started asking questions. THATS PEOPLE FOR YOU. But Rat is hanging around, aint he? Hell probably keep an eye socket on her. Guide her path, probly. HE IS A LITTLE SCAMP, ISNT HE? Albert knew he couldnt win. Death had the ultimate poker face. IM SURE SHELL ACT SENSIBLY. Oh, yeah, said Albert, as they walked back to the sleigh. It runs in the family, acting sensibly. Like many barmen, Igor kept a club under the bar to deal with those little upsets that occurred around closing time, although in fact Biers never closed and no one could ever remember not seeing Igor behind the bar. Nevertheless, things sometimes got out of hand. Or paw. Or talon. Igors weapon of choice was a little different. It was tipped with silver (for werewolves), hung with garlic (for vampires) and wrapped around with a strip of blanket (for bogeymen). For everyone else the fact that it was two feet of solid bog-oak usually sufficed. Hed been watching the window. The frost was creeping across it. For some reason the creeping fingers were forming into a pattern of three little dogs looking out of a boot. Then someone had tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around, club already in his hand, and relaxed. Oh . . . its you, miss. I didnt hear the door. There hadnt been the door. Susan was in a hurry. Have you seen Violet lately, Igor?

  The tooth girl? Igors one eyebrow writhed in concentration. Nah, havent seen her for a week or two. ` The eyebrow furrowed into a V of annoyance as he spotted the raven, which tried to shuffle behind a halfempty display card of beer nuts. You can get that out of here, miss, he said. You know the rule bout pets and familiars. If it cant turn back into human on demand, its out.

  Yeah, well, some of us have more brain cells than fingers, muttered a voice from behind the beer nuts. Where does she live?

  Now, miss, you know I never answers questions like that--

  ‘WHERE DOES SHE LIVE, IGOR?

  Shamlegger Street, next to the picture framers, said Igor automatically. The eyebrow knotted in anger as he realized what hed said. Now, miss, you know the rules! I dont get bitten, I dont get me froat torn out and no one hides behind me door! And you dont try your granddads voice on me! I could ban you for messin me about like that!

  Sorry, its important, said Susan. Out of the corner of her eye she could see that the raven had crept on to the shelves and was pecking the top off a jar. Yeah, well, suppose one of the vampires decides its important hes missed his tea? grumbled Igor, putting the club away. There was a plink from the direction of thee pickled egg jar. Susan tried hard not to look. Can we go? said the oh god. All this alcohol makes me nervous. Susan nodded and hurried out. Igor grunted. Then he went back to watching the frost, because Igor never demanded much out of life. After a while he heard a muffled voice say: I ot un! I ot un! It was indistinct because the raven had speared a pickled egg with its beak. Igor sighed, and picked up his club. And it would have gone very hard for the raven if the Death of Rats hadnt chosen that moment to bite Igor on the ear. DOWN THERE, said Death. The reins were hauled so sharply so quickly that the hogs ended up facing the other way. Albert fought his way out of a drift of teddy bears, where hed been dozing. Whats up? Whats up? Did we hit something? he said. Death pointed downwards. An endless white snowfield lay below, only the occasional glow of a window candle or a half-covered hut indicating the presence on this world of brief mortality. Albert squinted, and then saw what Death had spotted.