Hogfather

by Terry Pratchett

Page 24

 

  s some old bugger trudging through the snow, he said. Been gathering wood, by the look of it. A bad night to be out, he said. And Im out in it too, come to that. Look, master, Im sure youve done enough now to make sure---- SOMETHINGS HAPPENING DOWN THERE. HO. HO. HO. Look, hes all right, said Albert, hanging on as the sleigh tumbled downwards. There was a brief wedge of light below as the wood-gatherer opened the door of a snow-drifted hovel. See, over there, theres a couple of blokes catching him up, look theyre weighed down with parcels and stuff, see? Hes going to have a decent Hogswatch after all, no problem there. Now can we go- Deaths glowing eye sockets took in the scene in minute detail. ITS WRONG. Oh, no . . . here we go again. The oh god hesitated. What do you mean, you cant walk through the door? said Susan. You walked through the door in the bar.

  That was different. I have certain god-like powers in the presence of alcohol. Anyway, weve knocked and she hasnt answered and whatever happened to Mr Manners? Susan shrugged, and walked through the cheap woodwork. She knew she probably shouldnt. Every time she did something like this she used up a certain amount of, well, normal. And sooner or later shed forget what doorknobs were for, just like Grandfather. Come to think of it, hed never found out what doorknobs were for.

  She opened the door from the inside. The oh god stepped in and looked around. This did not take long. It was not a large room. It had been subdivided from a room that itself hadnt been all that big to start with. This is where the Tooth fairy lives? Bilious said. Its a bit . . . poky, isnt it? Stuff all over the floor . . . Whatre these things hanging from this line?

  Theyre . . . womens clothes, said Susan, rummaging through the paperwork on a small rickety table. Theyre not very big, said the oh god. And a bit thin . . .

  Tell me, said Susan, without looking up. These memories you arrived here with . . . They werent very complicated, were they . . . ? Ah. . . He looked over her shoulder as she opened a small red notebook. Ive only talked to Violet a few times, she said. I think she delivers the teeth somewhere and gets a percentage of the money. Its not a highly paid line of work. You know, they say you can Earn $$$ in Your Spare Time but she says really she could earn more money waiting on tables - All, this looks right Whats that?

  She said she gets given the names every week.

  What, of the children where going to lose teeth?

  Yes. Names and addresses, said Susan, flicking through the pages. That doesnt sound very likely. `Pardon me, but are you the God of Hangovers? Oh, look heres Twylas tooth last month. She smiled at the neat grey writing. She practically hammered it out because she needed the half-dollar.

  Do you like children? said the oh god. She gave him a look. Not raw, she said. `Other peoples are OK. Hold on . . . She flicked some pages back and forth. Theres just blank days, she said. Look, the last few days, all unticked. No names. But if you go back a week or two, look theyre all properly marked off and the money added up at the bottom of the page, see? And . . . this cant be right, can it? There were only five names entered on the first unticked night, for the previous week. Most children instinctively knew when to push their luck and only the greedy or dentally improvident called out the Tooth Fairy around Hogswatch. Read the names, said Susan. ‘William Wittles, a. k. a. Willy (home), Tosser (school), 2nd flr bck bdrm, 68 Kicklebury Street; Sophie Langtree, a. k. a. Daddys Princess, attic bdrm, 5 The Hippo; The Hon. Jeffrey Bibbleton, a. k. a. Trouble in Trousers (home), Foureyes (school), 1st fir bck, Scrote Manor, Park Lane- He stopped. I say, this is a bit intrusive, isnt it?

  Its a whole new world, said Susan. You havent got there yet. Keep going.

  Nuhakme Icta, a. k. a. Little Jewel, basement, The Laughing Falafel, Klatchistan Take-Away and All Nite Grocery, cnr. Soake and Dimwell; Reginald Lilywhite, a. k. a. Banjo, The Park Lane Bully, Have You Seen This Man? , The Goose Gate Grabber, The Nap Hill Lurker, Rm 17, YMPA. YMPA?

  Its what we generally call the Young-Mens-ReformedCultists-of-the-Ichor-God-Bel- ShamharothAssociation, said Susan. Does that sound to you like someone whod expect a visit from a tooth fairy? 4 No.

  Me neither. He sounds like someone whod expect a visit from the Watch. Susan looked around. It really was a crummy room, the sort rented by someone who probably took it never intending to stay Iong, the sort where walking across the floor in the middle of the night would be accompanied by the crack of cockroaches in a death flamenco. It was amazing how many people spent their whole fives in places where they never intended to stay. Cheap, narrow bed, crumbling plaster, tiny window She opened the window and fished around below the ledge, and felt satisfied when her questing fingers dosed on a piece of string which was attached to an oilcloth bag. She hauled it in. Whats that? said the oh god, as she opened it on the table. Oh, you see them a lot, said Susan, taking out some packages wrapped in second-hand waxed paper. You live alone, mice and roaches eat everything, theres nowhere to store food - but outside the window its cold and safe. More or less safe. Its an old trick. Now . . . look at this. Leathery bacon, a green loaf and a bit of cheese you could shave. She hasnt been back home for some time, believe me.

  Oh dear. What now?

  Where would she take the teeth? said Susan, to the world in general but mainly to herself. What the hell does the Tooth Fairy do with--- There was a knock at the door. Susan opened it. Outside was a small bald man in a long brown coat. He was holding a clipboard and blinked nervously at the sight of her. Er. . . he began. Can I help you? said Susan. Er, I saw the light, see. I thought Violet was in, said the little man. He twiddled the pencil that was attached to his clipboard by a piece of string. Only shes a bit behind with the teeth and theres a bit of money owing and Ernies cart aint come back and its got to go in my report and I come round in case . . . in case she was W or something, it not being nice being alone and ill at Hogswatch-

  Shes not here, said Susan. The man gave her a worried look and shook his head sadly. Theres nearly thirteen dollars in pillow money, see. Ill have to report it.

  Who to?

  It has to go higher up, see. I just hope its not going to be like that business in Quirm where the girl started robbing houses. We never heard the end of that one-

  Report to who?

  And theres the ladder and the pliers, the man went on, in a litany against a world that had no understanding of what it meant to have to fill in an AF17 report in triplicate. How can I keep track of stocktaking if people go around taking stock? He shook his head. I dunno, they get the job, they think its all nice sunny nights, they get a bit of sharp weather and suddenly its goodbye Charlie Im off to be a waitress in the warm. And then theres Emie. I know him. Its a nip to keep out the cold, and then another one to keep it company, and then a third in case the other two get lost . . . Its all going to have to go down in

  my report, you know, and whos going to get the blame? M tell you---

  Its going to be you, isnt it? said Susan. She was almost hypnotized. The man even had a fringe of worried hair and a small, worried moustache. And the voice suggested exactly that here was a man who, at the end of the world, would worry that it would be blamed on him. Thats right, he said, but in a slightly grudging voice. He was not about to allow a bit of understanding to lighten his day. And the girls all go on about the job but I tell them theyve got it easy, its just basicly ladder work, they dont have to spend their evenings knee-deep in paper and making shortfalls good out of their own money, I might add---

  You employ the tooth fairies? said Susan quickly. The oh god was still vertical but his eyes had glazed over. The little man preened slightly. Sort of, he said. BasicIy I run Bulk Collection and Despatch---

  Where to? He stared at her. Sharp, direct questions werent his forte. I just sees to it they gets on the cart, he mumbled. When theyre on the cart and Ernies signed the CV19 for em, thats it done and finished, only like I said he aint turned up this week and-

  A whole cart for a handful of teeth?

  Well, theres the food for the guards, and - ere, who a
re you, anyway? Whatre you doing here? Susan straightened up. I dont have to put up with this, she said sweetly, to no one in particular. She leaned forward again. WHAT CART ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE, CHARLIE? The oh god jolted away. The man m the brown coat shot backwards and splayed against the corridor wall as Susan advanced. Comes Tuesdays, he panted. "ere, what---

  AND WHERE DOES IT GO?

  Dunno! Like I said, when hes--

  Signed the GV19 for them its you done and finished, said Susan, in her normal voice. Yes. You said. Whats Violets full name? She never mentioned it. The man hesitated. I SAID-

  Violet Bottler!

  Thank you.

  An Emies gorn too, said Charlie, continuing more or less on auto-pilot. I call that suspicious. I mean, hes got a wife and everything. Wont be the first man to get his head turned by thirteen dollars and a pretty ankle and, o course, no one thinks about muggins who has to carry the can, I mean, supposing we was all to get it in our heads to run off with young wimmin? He gave Susan the stem look of one who, if it was not for the fact that the world needed him, would even now be tiring of painting naked young ladies on some tropical island somewhere. What happens to the teeth? said Susan. He blinked at her. A bully, thought Susan. A very small, weak, very dull bully, who doesnt manage any real bullying because theres hardly anyone smaller and weaker than him, so he just makes everyones lives just that little bit more difficult . . . What sort of question is that? he managed, in the face of her stare. You never wondered? said Susan, and added to herself, I didnt. Did anyone? Well, s not my job, I just-

  Oh, yes. You said, said Susan. Thank you. Youve been very helpful. Thank you very much. The man stared at her, and then turned and ran down the stairs. Drat, said Susan.

  Thats a very unusual swearword, said the oh god nervously. Its so easy, said Susan. If I want to, I can find anybody. Its a family trait.

  Oh. Good.

  No. Have you any idea how hard it is to be normal? The things you have to remember? How to go to sleep? How to forget things? What doorknobs are for? Why ask him, she thought, as she looked at his shocked face. All thats normal for him is remembering to throw up what someone else drank. Oh, come on, she said, and hurried towards the stairs. It was so easy to slip into immortality, to ride the horse, to know everything. And every time you did, it brought closer the day when you could never get off and never forget. Death was hereditary. You got it from your ancestors. Where are we going now? said the oh god. Down to the YMPA, said Susan. The old man in the hovel looked uncertainly at the feast spread in front of him. He sat on his stool as curled up on himself as a spider in a flame. Id got a bit of a mess of beans cooking, he mumbled, looking at his visitors through filmy eyes. Good heavens, you cant eat beans at Hogswatch,, said the king, smiling hugely. Thats terribly unlucky, eating beans at Hogswatch. My word, yes!

  Dint know that, the old man said, looking down desperately at his lap. Weve brought you this magnificent spread. Dont you think so?

  I bet youre incredibly grateful for it, too, said the page, sharply. Yes, well, o course, its very kind of you gennelmen, said the old man, in a voice the size of a mouse. He blinked, uncertain of what to do next. The turkeys hardly been touched, still plenty of meat on it, said the king. And do have some of this cracking good widgeon stuffed with swans liver. ’ -only Im partial to a bowl of beans and Ive never been beholden to no one nor nobody, the old man said, still staring at his lap. Good heavens, man, you dont need to worry about that, said the king heartily. Its Hogswatch! I was only just now looking out of the window and I saw you plodding through the snow and I said to young Jermain here, I said, `Whos that chappie?“ and he said, ”Oh, hes some peasant fellow who lives up by the forest,“ and I said, ”Well, I couldnt eat another thing and its Hogswatch, after all," and so we just bundled everything up and here we are!