A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘No … I mean of course you can sit here.’

  ‘You won’t run away?’ His tone was half-serious, half-teasing. ‘Only I think I must have done something to offend you the last time we met?’

  ‘I shan’t run away. I’ve grown up since we last met, Doctor.’

  ‘Yes, you have.’ His eyes went over me and I saw a flicker of admiration. ‘But you weren’t a child when we had that drink together last year, Kathy. It was just that I felt I was probably too old for you.’

  ‘I suppose there is quite a difference in our ages, but I don’t see that matters – if people like each other and want to be friends.’ I blushed because that sounded as if I was asking to be his friend.

  ‘I’ve thought about you while I was away, Kathy.’

  I felt it safer not to answer that one, because something in the way he was looking at me was making my heart behave oddly.

  ‘You’ve been in France, haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes, but Belgium mostly. It was hellish out there for a time.’

  ‘You mean during the German offensive? They nearly broke us, didn’t they?’

  ‘The Allies lost 400,000 men in three weeks.’

  I experienced coldness at the bottom of my spine. Like most people, I read the papers avidly for news and I had seen the reports saying that a lot of men had died, of course, but to hear Tom speak of the numbers like that was chilling. I tried not to think of all those wasted lives, and of all the grieving families.

  ‘We knew how bad it was – the gas attacks and the shelling. The people of Paris were catching it too from Big Bertha.’

  ‘Yes, I understand they had a rough time. I was due to come back home in March but things got so dire out there that I couldn’t leave.’

  ‘A lot of nurses volunteered around that time. Eleanor Ross is over there now but my application was turned down. I was told they need us here. Matron said she couldn’t afford to let any more of us go …’

  ‘That’s perfectly true. I think they like to hang on to anyone who survives the first year, because quite a few decide it’s easier to work in one of the other services.’

  ‘Women have been doing a lot of useful things since the beginning of the war, working as mechanics as well as in offices and factories. Perhaps that’s why they’ve promised us the vote. Ally says they will allow women to stand for Parliament after the war.’

  ‘I think she’s right. How could they refuse after what you’ve all done? Girls like you, Kathy, with no experience – coming to a place like this, working all hours and seeing things no young woman ought to see. You are all heroines, believe me.’

  His look was making me feel odd, my stomach fluttering as if it had butterflies trapped inside.

  ‘Well, I’d better go.’ I got to my feet reluctantly. ‘I’m due in a lecture in half an hour and I want a cup of tea first.’

  ‘I’m due on duty soon,’ he agreed rising with me. ‘I’ve enjoyed our little chat. Perhaps we could go out one evening? I know a nice place where we can have a meal. They do good fish on the meatless days …’

  Some months ago the Government had brought in rationing so that restaurants were not allowed to serve meat on two days a week. Unless you went somewhere where the meals cost one shilling and tuppence or less, of course. Now they had brought in general rationing and things were getting worse.

  I hesitated for no longer than a moment but it made him frown.

  ‘Yes, I think that would be nice.’

  His frown vanished to be replaced by a smile that made my heart leap.

  ‘Good. What about Friday?’

  ‘Yes, I think I can manage that.’

  I might have to change duty but one of the other girls would stand in for me if I asked. I had done it for them often enough in the past.

  ‘You must be mad!’ Ally said when I told her about my date later that evening. ‘It took you ages to settle down after the last time he hurt you.’

  ‘He didn’t mean to,’ I said defensively. ‘It was mostly in my mind. Besides, I’ve grown up since then. I’m tougher and more aware of the ways of the world.’

  ‘We’ve all grown up,’ Ally replied and looked upset. ‘I’ve just heard that Eleanor Ross has been killed. She had gone up to the front line with a medical team and a shell hit their ambulance.’

  ‘Eleanor has been killed?’ I clutched at the back of a chair as the world seemed to spin round me, cutting the ground from my feet. The shock made me feel ill and I experienced a physical pain in my chest as though someone had punched me. ‘That’s awful. I can’t believe it. For her to die that way …’ It was so shocking that someone on a mission of mercy should be killed by a stray shell from enemy fire.

  I thought about the night we had shared that bottle of wine sitting on my bed, the night I had sensed the loneliness inside Eleanor and my heart ached for my lost friend.

  ‘I feel terrible,’ Ally said looking as sick as I felt. She sat down on the edge of the bed, and I could see she was really shaken by the news. ‘I was such a pig to her, always on at her whenever we met, making her life here a misery. I think she only volunteered for duty out there to get away from me.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. That isn’t true, Ally. She told me that she thought it was something really worth doing.’

  Ally shrugged, remaining unconvinced. ‘Well, I feel like I’ve committed murder at the moment. I suppose it will pass and I’ll live with it, but I don’t much like myself right now.’

  ‘Eleanor chose to go. I’m sure she must have volunteered for duty at the front – and you were nowhere near her when she did that. You didn’t fire the shell that killed her, Ally.’

  ‘Thanks for trying to make me feel better. You’re a good friend, Kathy. I’ve always been glad we met when we did. I’m not sure I could’ve stuck the first few months here if you hadn’t been with me.’

  ‘It was the same for me.’

  ‘No, I don’t think so. I came close to giving up and going home. You’ve never even thought about it, have you?’

  I shook my head. ‘Perhaps if I’d had a home like yours I might. But I don’t get on with my father; I’m better off here, believe me.’

  She nodded, giving me a sympathetic look. ‘You haven’t heard from your family in a while, have you?’

  ‘Gran isn’t one for writing letters, but Bridget wrote to me recently. She says Gran is fairly well at the moment. I had a letter from Billy’s mother yesterday. She told me he had been wounded in the leg but that it wasn’t serious enough for them to send him home.’

  ‘Oh, poor Billy. The men say it’s worth getting shot for a trip home to Blighty. It’s rotten luck being patched up out there and having to go straight back to the front.’

  ‘He hasn’t had home leave in over a year …’

  ‘Nor had Mike,’ she said and reached into her skirt pocket for an envelope. ‘Did I tell you he’s coming home next week? He’s got three weeks this time.’

  ‘That’s wonderful. You should ask for time off to meet him in town, Ally.’

  ‘I already have. Matron says we’re too busy for me to be away for more than three days. But she’s always had it in for me. She thinks I’m a bad influence on some of the others – inciting them to rebellion.’

  ‘It’s a shame she won’t give you longer, but with the new offensive they’ve launched we’re bound to get an influx of patients, and we’re always short of trained staff. Three of the latest recruits left within two weeks of starting here, went back to the munitions factory because the work was easier.’

  ‘Yes, I know.’ She sighed and I could see that she was still fretting over the news about Eleanor. I understood, because I was hurting too, but Ally felt guilty over the way she’d behaved to Eleanor. ‘Besides, I’m one of the lucky ones. Sally’s youngest brother was badly wounded last week. She was crying over a letter this morning so you know the news can’t be good.’

  ‘I think she should ask for compassionate leave. They would have to give
it to her in the circumstances.’

  ‘I’ve told her a dozen times but she refuses to go home. She says she’s needed here and it will only be worse if she has to sit around and twiddle her thumbs.’

  ‘Well, it’s true we need her here.’ There had been a constant flow of badly mutilated patients over the past few months, the injuries from burns and gassing were horrendous.

  I saw Sally coming towards us as we made our way to the canteen a little later that evening. She was putting on a brave face but we all knew she was very upset.

  ‘I’m going for supper,’ she told us. ‘What about you two?’

  ‘On our way,’ I said. ‘I was looking at the roster earlier – would you swap Friday night for Saturday with me please?’

  ‘Got a date?’ She looked pleased as I nodded. ‘It’s about time you went out, Kathy. You haven’t had a proper date for ages. Of course I’ll swap. It means I might have time to pop home. I shall be free for the whole weekend then without asking for time off. Yes, it suits me very well.’

  I smiled at her but didn’t mention her reason for wanting to go home. We didn’t mention things like that unless someone wanted to talk, and Sally seemed to prefer to keep her worries to herself.

  I was thoughtful as I went to the library to study for an hour on my own after supper. My feelings of depression were not all to do with Eleanor’s death, although that nagged at me like a painful tooth. From Maggie Ryan’s letter I knew that she was taking it for granted that there was something between Billy and me. Perhaps I ought not to have agreed to go out with Tom O’Rourke, and yet I hadn’t promised Billy I would wait.

  Just because I’d written to him faithfully every week didn’t mean I was going to marry him, but I’d sensed that Maggie thought it would happen when Billy came home and perhaps Billy did too.

  I wore a new dress I’d bought from Eleanor before she went over to France for my date with Tom. It was a pale green wool and beautifully cut to flatter the figure with a narrow waist and flowing skirt. She had wanted to give me several of her things, but I’d persuaded her to accept a small amount of money for them.

  ‘If it’s what you want, Kathy.’ She’d given me a peck on the cheek. ‘I don’t want to hurt your pride. You’ve been a good friend and I’ve enjoyed knowing you.’

  ‘You can always write to me. Keep in touch, Eleanor.’

  She had promised she would but there had been only one letter. I knew that she had probably been too involved in her work to think about writing to me. She had been young and full of life, and she couldn’t have expected to die the way she had.

  Wearing her dress made me feel sad in a way and yet I was proud too. I was proud of the friend who had given her own life to help others.

  I told Tom about Eleanor, and the way she’d died, when he was driving me to the restaurant he’d told me about in his sporty little roadster.

  ‘Yes, I remember Eleanor,’ he replied, looking shocked. ‘That’s terrible news, Kathy. I’m so sorry she died like that. Eleanor was a thoroughly nice girl. She asked me to bring a letter and some perfume home for a friend of hers – a Miss Maitland. I think they were second cousins through their mothers’ side of the family.’ He frowned. ‘I never met the girl. She was some years younger than Eleanor and at boarding school. I simply left the package with the headmistress. I wonder if Miss Maitland has been told?’

  ‘I should think she’s bound to know.’ I glanced at him. ‘So you met Eleanor when you were over there in France?’

  ‘Yes, a couple of times. We went out as friends …’ He smiled at the memory. ‘As a matter of fact we spent most of our time talking about you that evening. Eleanor liked you a lot. She told me that your friend Ally was rather jealous of you – of your having other friends – but that you had been kind to her when she was finding it hard to settle in.’

  ‘She was kind to me,’ I replied. ‘She told me she had a cousin called Mary, of whom she was very fond. Eleanor was deeper than a lot of people realized. I liked her a lot and I like to think we were friends.’

  ‘Eleanor certainly counted you as a friend.’

  ‘Then we were.’ I smiled at him. ‘You’ve cheered me up. I’ve been feeling upset over it since Ally told me the news.’

  ‘She was very dedicated to the Service,’ he said. ‘She was considering staying on in nursing after the war.’

  ‘Really? I didn’t know that. She told me she didn’t want to marry for a long time, but I wasn’t aware that she was considering staying on as a nurse.’

  ‘She didn’t want to join, did she? She told me that herself – but in the end she loved it, said it made her feel that her life was worth something.’

  ‘She would’ve made a good professional nurse. I think she was clever at the theory as well as the practical side. I have to study hard to learn things that came easily to Eleanor.’ I choked back a sob. ‘It’s such a waste for her to die like that!’

  ‘This whole thing is a waste, Kathy.’ Tom glanced at me as he pulled into the front drive outside the hotel. ‘Have you thought what you will do when it’s over?’

  ‘Is it ever going to be over?’

  He chuckled huskily. ‘We’ve all thought that at times – but yes, I think the tide is turning. The Germans had it all their own way for a while but it’s a different war now. We are using more tanks and planes than before. The Air Force has downed more than four thousand of their aircraft against less than two of ours. I believe that the combined might of the Allies will triumph in the end.’

  ‘I do hope you’re right!’

  ‘We can only pray. Anyway, let’s forget about war and its consequences for a while. We came here to enjoy ourselves.’

  ‘Yes.’ I smiled at him. ‘I haven’t forgotten. It’s nice just being with you, Dr O’Rourke.’

  ‘It’s time you called me Tom.’

  ‘Yes, Tom.’ I threw him a teasing look. ‘I hope this place lives up to its reputation. I’m starving.’

  For the rest of the evening we talked about music and books we’d read. The hotel owner employed a pianist and she played throughout our meal. Some of it was classical stuff that I didn’t know but she also gave us a medley of the most popular songs of the war.

  ‘ “If you were the only girl in the world and I was the only boy”,’ Tom sang the first line of a song that had been on every soldier’s lips. ‘We had concerts in Belgium for the men and they all requested that one.’

  ‘Yes, I know. It’s special for a lot of people. The men remember it from taking their girlfriends to a theatre when they’re home on leave. Ally’s boyfriend is coming home soon. She’s going to meet him in London. She has a couple of shows she wants to see lined up – something at the Comedy Theatre and a variety show with Jack Buchanan singing.’

  ‘Do you like to go to the theatre, Kathy?’

  ‘I’ve only been a few times – but yes, I do enjoy it.’

  ‘Perhaps we might go together? If you have a free weekend?’

  ‘Oh …’ I was surprised as I hadn’t expected an invitation of that kind. ‘Yes … perhaps.’

  ‘We’ll fix it up,’ he said. ‘It won’t be easy to arrange corresponding free time. We can’t appeal to Matron. She doesn’t approve of her nurses fraternizing with the doctors.’

  ‘No, she doesn’t.’ I pulled a face. ‘I used to think she disliked me, but she told me the other day that I was coming along nicely.’

  ‘High praise indeed!’ His eyes sparkled wickedly. ‘So, have you decided to take it up as a career – stay on when the war is over?’

  ‘I might. I’m not sure.’

  ‘You would have to give up when you got married, of course.’

  ‘That’s so silly, isn’t it? Why do they have rules like that?’

  ‘Nursing and marriage don’t mix; I suppose that’s the thinking. Children tend to get in the way. You do want children, don’t you, Kathy?’

  Something in his look made me blush and look down.

  ‘Yes
, of course – with the right man. Don’t you?’

  ‘With the right woman.’ His tone of voice caused me to raise my head. ‘I was interested in someone for a while but she wasn’t the right one. We parted by mutual agreement.’

  ‘Are you speaking of Miss Retford? Everyone thought you were engaged to her before you went to France.’

  ‘It never got that far. I’m not sure why. Babs told me I wasn’t in love with her – and she was right. I admired her. I didn’t love her. I think the girl I might love would be very different. Someone warmer – more sincere.’

  I swallowed hard as I saw the meaningful expression in his eyes, then looked away. His words seemed to convey more than I was ready to accept. He had come back into my life so suddenly and I found it hard to believe that he felt something more than liking for me. I was still Kathy Cole from the lanes, even if I had grown up.

  ‘You think I’m just saying these things, don’t you?’

  ‘You hardly know me.’

  ‘I threw away my chance to know you better. Will you give me another one, Kathy?’

  Looking into his face I could not doubt that he was sincere.

  ‘Yes. If you mean it.’

  ‘I thought about you after you snubbed me at that dance. I knew I must have hurt you – and after that I found myself looking for you, waiting for a chance to ask you out again.’

  ‘And then you went away.’

  ‘I had no choice, Kathy. I was needed.’

  ‘Yes, I do understand that, Tom. But I’m glad you’re back.’

  ‘So am I.’ His smile seemed to caress me. ‘And I’m glad that you’ve forgiven me.’

  Tom’s kiss was soft and gentle as we said goodnight later. He drew back from me as I responded, melting into his arms, and touched my cheek with his fingertips.

  ‘I’m not going to rush you, Kathy. We need to get to know each other, and I want you to be sure of me.’

  ‘I know I enjoy being with you – and being kissed.’

  ‘Then that’s enough for now.’ He grinned. ‘Sweet dreams, Kathy – provided they’re of me.’