A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘My dreams are my own, sir.’

  ‘We’ll do this again soon.’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘Go in before you’re reprimanded for staying out late. I’ll talk to you in a day or so.’

  ‘Goodnight, Tom.’

  I was smiling as I went upstairs. Ally was alone in our room. She looked at me sharply and then pulled a wry face.

  ‘Lover boy came through this time then?’

  ‘We had a lovely evening. The food was nice and I enjoyed myself.’

  ‘Are you going to see him again?’ There was a faint hint of jealousy in her voice.

  ‘Yes, I think so. He was talking of a weekend in London so that we could go to the theatre.’

  ‘You be careful! When men suggest something like that they are usually after one thing.’

  ‘Ally! Tom isn’t like that.’

  ‘Isn’t he?’ Her eyebrows shot up in disbelief. ‘Believe me, they all are. Your wonderful Dr O’Rourke is no exception.’

  ‘You don’t know that. I think he’s serious about us getting to know each other.’

  ‘Like the last time?’

  ‘That was … we got off on the wrong foot. It’s different now. He really likes me.’

  ‘Just be careful, Kathy, that’s all.’

  ‘You sound as if you’re jealous?’

  I was annoyed. It wasn’t the first time she had found fault with people I liked.

  ‘I care about you – about what happens to you,’ she insisted.

  Suddenly the anger evaporated. ‘Yes, I know, but it’s all right. I do know what I’m doing, and I trust Tom. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.’

  Ally pulled a face but didn’t say any more. She had sensed that we were close to having a quarrel and neither of us wanted that.

  ‘You could come to London with me,’ she suggested. ‘It would be safer if there were four of us.’

  ‘I’m not sure. We’ll see …’

  I was making no promises. I thought it might be nice to spend a weekend alone with Tom.

  Tom took me to a dance at the Military base the following week, and we went out for a drink on the Wednesday after that. Both of us were busy and it was difficult to manage more than two outings a week, but we snatched a few minutes in the garden sometimes when it was fine and drank several late-night coffees in the canteen.

  No mention was made of that weekend in London and I thought he was saving it as a special treat. We were getting to know more about each other as the weeks passed and our friendship had developed into something more passionate. Once or twice we had found it difficult to stop after a heavy kissing session in Tom’s car and we both wanted more.

  Several times Tom had spoken of the end of the war, which looked more likely to happen as the summer wore on and the Allies began to advance. In July we heard that the Russian tsar had been murdered in a cellar with all his family, and that that country was now in turmoil, torn between the Red and White Armies.

  I also read about a controversial book by Dr Marie Stopes, which discussed the importance of sex in marriage and called for contraceptive advice for women. The idea that women should enjoy sex and that it was not simply for procreation was so shocking that, before this, it would never have been discussed openly in decent homes and showed how much the world was changing, particularly for women.

  ‘It would make such a difference,’ I said to Tom one evening, ‘if women could decide when they wanted to have children, they could then continue with a professional career like nursing until they were ready to stop.’

  ‘Attitudes will have to change a great deal before that can happen,’ he replied. ‘Besides, most men would hate the idea. I doubt many of them would agree. Anyway, most women want children when they marry.’

  ‘Yes, of course. I do, too. I just meant it would be helpful to be able to choose the time.’

  I could see that Tom didn’t really agree and I knew most men would feel the same way. I thought about some of the women I knew in the lanes who lived in dread of bearing a child almost every year, and of seeing many of their babies die because of the poverty in which they lived. If those women could limit their families to perhaps two or three? But Dr Marie Stopes was ahead of her time and her ideas had been criticized vociferously.

  In August, the Allied forces were in action near Amiens and we heard that the enemy had collapsed under a sustained attack by tanks and from the air.

  ‘It’s nearly over,’ Tom said the night we heard the good news. ‘Oh, Kathy darling. It’s only a matter of weeks, a month or two at most. As soon as it’s final you can ask to be released and we can get married.’

  ‘Tom …?’ I was taken by surprise. Although our embraces had become more and more intimate of late, he hadn’t actually said he wanted to marry me until now. ‘Are you asking me to be your wife?’

  ‘Of course. I thought you must know how I felt, Kathy. We’ve discussed marriage and what it means for you often enough. Surely you understood what I was getting at?’

  ‘I wasn’t sure.’

  ‘Do you want me to get on my knees?’

  ‘Don’t be silly. You can’t in the car.’

  ‘We can get out, spread the blanket on the grass.’ His voice was suddenly husky, hoarse with desire. ‘I love you … want you so much, Kathy. You are going to marry me, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, Tom. You know I am. I love you.’

  He swept me into a hungry embrace, his kiss taking my breath away. His hand moved to my breast, caressing me through the fine material of my blouse, sweeping away all thought and leaving only feeling. My pulses raced, my body clamouring with a sudden urgent need to be close to him, to be one with him.

  ‘Let’s get out and lie on the blanket, Kathy. I don’t see why we should wait any longer. We shall marry as soon as the war is over and that can’t be long now.’

  A part me was warning against agreeing to Tom’s urging, but I was young and in love and the excitement was sweeping me along recklessly. I had been aware of his need and my own for a while, and the touch of his hand on my bare flesh as it slid inside my blouse sent shivers of delight running through me. He was bending his head, kissing my breasts, his tongue flicking at the nipples. I moaned softly, panting a little as I thrilled to these new sensations that were coursing through me, driving me beyond any sense of right or wrong.

  ‘Yes, Tom,’ I murmured. ‘Oh yes, let’s not wait any longer. Let’s do it now. Let’s make love now …’

  He drew back and looked at me. ‘You are sure, Kathy? I’m not forcing you?’

  ‘No, of course not. I want it to happen.’

  Our loving that first time was sweet and tender. Tom was so gentle and considerate, leading me so carefully into the pleasures of physical love that I hardly realized what was happening.

  We made love and then lay talking for a long time before making love again. The first time was a little painful but the second was better for me.

  ‘It will get much better in time,’ Tom promised as he stroked my hair. ‘For both of us.’

  ‘I knew it might hurt the first time. Ally told me … about her and Mike. They did it on his leave for the first time. She said it got much better after a while.’

  Tom leaned over me, a frown creasing his brow. ‘Will you tell her about us?’

  ‘No – no, I shan’t. Ally likes to talk but I’d rather this was just between us.’

  ‘So would I – it’s our affair, Kathy. Let’s keep it that way.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ I sat up and he helped me to my feet. ‘We ought to be going or I’ll be late.’

  ‘That’s the last thing we want. I’ve got some leave due next month, Kathy. If you could get a few days off we can go somewhere – either to London or perhaps the sea?’

  ‘I’d love to go to the sea, Tom. I’ve only ever been once.’

  ‘That’s what we’ll do then,’ he said looking pleased. ‘I often go to the sea when I can get time off. I learned to love it when
I was a kid. Sometimes I think I might have died if Bridget hadn’t managed to get me away from the lanes when she did.’

  ‘But you didn’t have consumption, did you?’

  ‘They thought I did at the time. I was supposed to have gone into remission, but I had a specialist look me over a couple of years back and he says there is no sign of my ever having had it. So I think I probably had a very bad chest infection, which responded to the treatment I was given. They were only just beginning to come to grips with the problem then and in the early days of X-rays I believe a lot of mistakes were made, people diagnosed wrongly. It still happens now. After all, doctors aren’t infallible.’

  ‘I suppose mistakes always will happen. Doctors are only human as you said. Very human, I’m glad to say.’ I gave him a naughty look, then reached out to touch his cheek. ‘I’m just glad you’re well and strong, Tom.’

  ‘Don’t worry about anything,’ he said and bent his head to kiss me. ‘I love you, Kathy, and we’re going to have a wonderful life together.’

  ‘Yes, of course we are.’

  I smiled at him as he gathered our rug. Everything was already wonderful as far as I was concerned.

  I didn’t tell Ally we had made love. She dropped a lot of hints when I told her Tom was taking me to the sea in early September but I ignored them. I wanted to keep my love affair private, even though I knew most of the girls discussed these matters with each other.

  ‘Mike says the war will be over soon,’ Ally told me the day before I left for my trip to the sea. ‘We’re going to get married when he comes home for good. He’s got his eye on a pub down Bermondsey way. We’re going to run it together.’

  ‘So you won’t carry on with your nursing for a while after the conflict is over?’

  ‘I might if they would let me, but you know the rules.’

  ‘Yes. It’s a shame though. We’ve worked so hard.’

  ‘Well, they won’t need half of us once things settle down.’ Ally shrugged. ‘Besides, marriage is the only real way for girls like us.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so.’

  Ally looked at me expectantly. She was waiting for me to respond with news of my own and looked annoyed when I didn’t. I’m not sure why I was so reluctant to talk about it. Perhaps I was afraid that if I actually told anyone Tom had asked me to marry him it wouldn’t happen.

  Tom took me to Norfolk for our weekend by the sea. I had been to Southend on a day trip once as a child with the Sunday school, but this was entirely different.

  We travelled in Tom’s car, stopping to have coffee and then lunch at nice hotels along the way. The hotel he had chosen for us to stay in was at a place called Old Hunstanton and it was newly built, finished just before the war, the owner told us, and very modern. The bedroom we were given had its own bathroom en suite and was extremely comfortable.

  ‘I’ve never been anywhere like this before,’ I told him. ‘It’s really lovely, Tom.’

  ‘This is just the beginning, my darling. I’m going to find us a nice house with a big garden for the children to play in and we’ll go on seaside holidays every year.’

  The picture he painted of our future was a rosy one and made me feel good inside. It was September now and for the few days we’d chosen the sun shone, making it warm despite a breeze from the sea. We breakfasted early in the mornings, then went for long walks on the beach. In the afternoons we drove for miles, visiting little villages and places of interest in the area.

  We went to Wells and Brancaster and Cromer, where we had fresh crab for our tea. One night we went to the pictures to watch a new Charlie Chaplin film, but mostly we liked to walk or just sit over our dinner and talk.

  ‘I wish this could go on forever,’ I said as we enjoyed a bottle of wine sitting out in the garden on our last evening. ‘I’ve loved being here with you, Tom.’

  ‘I’m glad you’ve enjoyed yourself, Kathy.’ He smiled as he took my hand and kissed it. ‘Soon we shall be together all the time.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  My heart beat faster as he put down his wineglass and gave me that special look that I knew meant he wanted to make love to me. Our lovemaking had become much more fulfilling of late and I was as eager as he.

  ‘Let’s go up now, Kathy?’

  ‘Oh yes … please.’

  That night I discovered the meaning of true passion in my lover’s arms. It was as if the knowledge that this was the last night of our holiday had added an urgency to our loving. I experienced a deeper climax than ever before, clinging to him as my body shook with little spasms of pleasure.

  ‘Oh, Tom … Oh, Tom,’ I murmured into the salty warmth of his shoulder. ‘That was wonderful.’

  ‘You are wonderful,’ he responded throatily. ‘I love you so much, Kathy, and I almost lost you because I was a fool.’ He shuddered and clutched me to him. ‘I don’t think I could bear to lose you now.’

  ‘You won’t, of course you won’t. I love you, Tom.’

  And yet even as I lay wrapped in the warmth of his arms I shivered. An icy chill was trailing down my spine and a feeling of dread had come over me.

  I smiled and waved as Tom let me get out of the car before driving away. He had dropped me just outside the hospital grounds because we didn’t want everyone to know we had been away together.

  My suitcase wasn’t heavy and I was walking briskly in the direction of the Dower House when I heard someone speak my name. I turned to see Matron staring at me and her expression was one of displeasure.

  ‘Yes, Matron. Did you want me?’ My heart jerked with fright. Had she heard that I was seeing Dr O’Rourke? She certainly looked very stern.

  ‘You have been away for a long weekend. Miss Cole?’

  ‘Yes, Matron. I went to the sea with a friend.’

  ‘It’s a pity you did not leave some indication of where you would be staying. We have been trying to find you. There is an urgent message from your home. I understand that your grandmother is extremely ill. Mrs Bridget Robinson telephoned me. She is most anxious that you should go home at once.’

  ‘Go home?’ I was stunned by the news, unable to think straight. ‘What is wrong with Gran?’

  ‘I believe she has a very bad case of Influenza. We are hearing disturbing reports about a strain called Spanish flu, and I imagine Mrs Cole must be seriously ill for your friend to telephone here.’

  ‘Yes. Bridget wouldn’t have troubled you if she weren’t worried,’ I agreed. ‘Would it be all right for me to go. Matron? I should report for duty this afternoon.’

  ‘In the circumstances I shall release you but I expect you to return as soon as you are able. The war may be almost over, and I dare say a lot of our volunteers will leave us soon – but you would make a good nurse. Unfortunately, you will probably marry and your talents will be wasted like so many others.’

  I stared at her, lost for words. She pursed her mouth, waving me away impatiently. ‘Go and pack whatever you need and get off home – but do not forget what I’ve said.’

  ‘Yes, Matron. Thank you, it’s very kind of you to let me go home and to say I would make a good nurse.’

  I felt a little guilty as I hurried away, knowing that I would be leaving shortly. I was pleased that Matron believed I would make a good nurse, but I loved Tom and I wanted to be his wife – and I couldn’t do both. Even if there had been some way of bending the rules, Tom had made it clear that he expected me to give up work as soon as we married.

  Ally wasn’t in her room so I left her a letter explaining what had happened. I also wrote a short note to Tom and asked Ally to deliver it. Then I went downstairs and used the telephone in the hall to ring for a taxi to the railway station.

  Fortunately for me ‘Granddad’ was at the other end of the telephone. Since the Government had permitted women to drive taxis his daughter ran the local service, and he said that she would be there to pick me up within twenty minutes.

  I was anxious about Gran now and eager to get home. I knew
she had to be very ill or Bridget wouldn’t have telephoned the hospital and asked to speak to Matron.

  Five

  ‘It’s a good thing you’re home, Kathy. Your gran’s proper bad, lass. Bridget has been worried to death over her.’

  One of Gran’s neighbours called out to me as I hurried past the corner shop but I didn’t stop to answer her. I was too anxious to get home. As I approached, the front door opened and Bridget came out with the doctor.

  I ran the last few yards, my heart thudding as I saw their grave faces. ‘How is she?’ I panted. ‘I came as soon as I heard.’

  ‘Mrs Cole is very poorly.’ The doctor shook his head. ‘It’s as well you’ve come back now, Kathy. Your grandmother needs nursing and Mrs Robinson can’t be here all the time.’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry they couldn’t trace me earlier, Bridget. I was away with … a friend for a few days.’

  ‘You weren’t to know,’ she said. ‘It was all very sudden. One minute she was in the shop buying cheese for your father’s supper and the next thing we knew she had collapsed in the street.’

  ‘Poor Gran,’ I said, my chest going tight with fear. ‘They say this Spanish flu is affecting a lot of people and it can be nasty.’

  ‘Yes, it looks like being very nasty indeed. A lot of people are going down with it already.’ The doctor nodded his agreement and went off. I followed Bridget into the house. She turned and gave me an anxious look.

  ‘I hope it didn’t make things awkward for you at the hospital, my phoning there. Your grandmother didn’t want us to send for you, Kathy, but I’m very worried about her.’

  ‘I’m glad you did, Bridget. I’ve been given special leave and I shall stay until she’s better.’

  ‘Good.’ Bridget looked at me oddly. ‘We shall have to pray that she gets over it, Kathy. She’s been fading recently …’

  ‘Are you trying to tell me she might die?’

  ‘Or be too frail to look after herself.’

  ‘I see …’ I understood what she was telling me. ‘I shan’t desert her if she needs me.’

  ‘She’s been like a mother to you, Kathy. She needs you now.’