A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘How do you think Kathy can buy things for the baby if you put all your money across the pub counter?’ she demanded. ‘And she needs a decent dress or two now that she’s nearing the last stages of child bearin’.’

  ‘She’ll manage,’ he’d replied looking at me angrily. ‘If she really needs money she can ask for herself.’

  I hadn’t needed to ask because I still had a few shillings put by from the money Billy had given me on honeymoon – and I had good friends. Bridget had given me lots of baby clothes she’d had for her children, which she said she would never need again, and Maggie had knitted little bootees and coats in fine wool for me. She had also given me one of her dresses, which would normally have been too big for me, and we had shaped it to make it fit my bulk.

  The hurtful thoughts went round and round in my head, taunting me, making me suffer the bitterness of regret. It was a moment or two before I realized that someone was calling my name.

  ‘Miss Cole … Please wait!’ I heard the voice call to me again and turned my head as I saw a young woman running after me. She couldn’t have been more than seventeen or so and to my knowledge I had never seen her before. ‘Oh, do forgive me,’ she said breathlessly as she caught up. ‘I know you’re married. The woman in the corner shop just told me – but I couldn’t remember your married name. I thought it must be you when she said you had just left and that you were wearing a grey dress.’ She glanced down at my swollen belly, a faint flush in her cheeks. ‘You were Kathy Cole – the Kathy Cole who worked with my cousin. I mean Eleanor Ross. She was a nurse …’ She floundered to a halt, her pretty face flushed with embarrassment.

  ‘Of course I knew Eleanor,’ I said, looking at her curiously. She was an attractive young woman, well dressed and well spoken with soft fair hair and blue eyes. ‘She was a friend of mine. I was so sorry when I heard that she had been killed like that.’

  ‘Yes – we all were,’ she said and looked upset. ‘Eleanor meant a lot to me. I shall miss her dreadfully. She was the only one I could talk to after my mother died …’ She blushed again and looked self-conscious. ‘You must think I’m absolutely mad chasing after you in the street like that, but I wanted to be sure of catching you …’

  ‘No, I don’t think you’re mad. I’m just a little curious why you should, that’s all.’

  ‘I came here today to find you,’ she explained and blushed again. She was clearly a shy girl, a little uncertain of herself and frightened of giving offence. ‘It has taken quite a while to trace you. I’ve only just discovered where you lived. Eleanor left you something in her will – and I’ve brought it for you. My father doesn’t know I’m here, of course. He told me to leave it to the solicitors. He wouldn’t approve of my being in … this part of London alone. He’s a bit old-fashioned about what a young lady should and shouldn’t do, that’s why I wanted to catch you. I have to get home again before he knows I’ve been out.’

  ‘Perhaps you ought not to have come. Your father is obviously very protective towards you, Miss …?’

  ‘Maitland. Mary Maitland. I don’t know if Eleanor ever mentioned my name to you?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so, not exactly. I have heard of you, though. Eleanor told me she had a cousin called Mary and I think she asked Dr O’Rourke to bring you a present from France from her?’

  ‘Yes, yes, she did. ‘Mary smiled sadly. ‘It was the last thing she gave me. Eleanor was so generous. She was always giving me things – and she thought about you too, because you were her friend.’ She put her hand into her smart coat pocket and produced a small leather box, which she handed to me. ‘She wanted you to have this, Miss Cole.’

  I took the tiny leather box, opening the brass catch to reveal the dress ring inside. It was a circle of large white diamonds surrounding a ruby, the colour of which was so deep that it took my breath away. I had seen things like this in the shop windows up west but never been close to such a fabulous jewel before.

  ‘But this must be worth a lot of money. I can’t possibly take it.’

  ‘But you must,’ she said. ‘Really, it is yours. Eleanor left it to you. She made a will when she went over to France just in case something happened to her. Most of her things came to me, but she particularly wanted you to have this.’

  ‘I’m not sure what to say …’ I hesitated, feeling that I did not deserve such a gift. ‘Are you certain this is the right ring? Perhaps something less valuable as a keepsake.’

  ‘No, this is the one Eleanor wanted you to have.’ Mary’s rather fragile looks were lit by a brilliant smile. ‘My cousin never did things by halves, Miss Cole. She liked you a lot and she specified exactly which ring you should have. That’s why I wanted to give it to you myself – to make sure you got the right one. I don’t trust lawyers … at least my father’s lawyers.’ Her cheeks went bright red as she realized what she’d said. ‘No, I shouldn’t have said that. Please forgive me.’

  I had the feeling that she was a little afraid of her father, and I understood. ‘There is nothing to forgive, Mary. I am very grateful to you for bringing this to me and I shall treasure it always.’

  ‘I’m so glad, Kathy,’ she said, blushing furiously. ‘I hope you don’t mind me calling you that?’

  ‘I should like it. I feel privileged to have been Eleanor’s friend. She was very brave, very dedicated to her work.’

  ‘Yes, she was, wasn’t she?’ Mary gave a little giggle. ‘She didn’t want to do it at first, but then she found that she loved being a nurse. I think she would have been a good one, don’t you?’

  ‘I am quite sure she would,’ I agreed. ‘It was a sad waste of a life for her to die like that, but you should always be proud of her.’

  ‘I am. I always shall be. I wish I had the courage to be just like her.’ A wistful sadness touched her pretty face. ‘It was nice to meet you, Kathy. I should go now. My father will be home soon and he will expect me to be waiting for him.’

  ‘I thought you were still at boarding school?’

  ‘I am – but I came home for a while because I haven’t been well.’

  ‘Not the influenza I hope?’

  ‘Yes, I did have it but not as badly as some of my friends did. My father makes too much fuss. He insisted I came home to be looked after properly. So I had better get back before he sends people to look for me.’

  ‘You’d best get off then.’

  I stopped to watch her as she ran back down the lane and disappeared round the corner, then I looked at the ring she had given me again. It was a beautiful thing, but I should never be able to wear it, of course. Billy would want to know where it came from, and he was so jealous and so unreasonable these days that he might suspect it had been given to me by a lover. Besides, he might say I should sell it and I wanted to keep it, even if I never wore it. Eleanor had wanted me to have this ring and I felt rather sentimental over her gift.

  I decided that I would put it away and say nothing. Perhaps one day when Billy was in a good mood I would show him, but as things stood at the moment it was unlikely that that day would ever come.

  ‘There’s been trouble on the docks again this weekend,’ Maggie said to me that morning. ‘Mick says there was an attack on the warehouse he walks past every day on his way to work, and the nightwatchman was hurt. They hit him several times over the head – nasty it was.’

  ‘That’s terrible, Maggie,’ I said, looking at her in concern. ‘Is he in hospital?’

  ‘He was – they took him to the Infirmary, but he died on Sunday night. He’s left a widow and three children, too.’

  ‘Oh, Maggie!’ I was distressed by the shocking news. ‘Can’t we do something to help her – raise some money or something?’

  ‘That’s a grand idea,’ Maggie said. ‘Mick was saying the lads at his firm were getting together to put a few bob in the hat, and if we could think of a way of raising a bit that would help.’

  ‘Well, I’ll put in two shillings,’ I said. ‘And we could have a cake stall at t
he church hall and raise some more that way – if you think that’s a good idea.’

  ‘I think it’s a lovely idea,’ she said. ‘I’ll have a word with a few of the neighbours and see what else we can come up with.’

  Billy was in a bad mood when he came in that evening. I tried to talk to him about the attack on the warehouse and the watchman who had been killed, but he wasn’t interested.

  ‘Do as you please,’ he muttered when I told him I was going to help with the collection for the widow. ‘But don’t ask me for more money. I’ve got better things to do with my money than give it to strangers.’

  ‘I wasn’t going to ask,’ I said and turned away feeling hurt. It didn’t seem to matter what I said or did there was no pleasing him these days.

  Amy Robinson was home from school for the holidays. I saw her walking down the lane, arm in arm with a woman in a very smart fine tweed costume and a red hat. They were laughing and talking as they turned the corner and disappeared from view.

  ‘That was my sister Lainie,’ Bridget said when I spoke to her in the shop later. ‘She is taking Amy away for a few days. They are going down to Bournemouth …’

  ‘Aren’t you going with them?’

  ‘I really couldn’t spare the time,’ Bridget said with a little frown. ‘We’re looking for someone to help out here at the moment, and there’s my flower stall. Besides, Amy is going to look over that art school and Lainie is better at things like that than I am.’

  ‘Oh, well, I suppose she’s had some experience, working up west the way she does.’

  ‘I think Lainie likes going to art exhibitions,’ Bridget said. ‘I never would have thought it once, but she’s quite the lady these days.’

  I noticed an odd inflection in Bridget’s voice, and I wondered why she hadn’t taken the time off to go to Bournemouth with her sister and Amy. But she changed the subject then, going on to tell me about the new gramophone Joe had bought her, and the records of Enrico Caruso that she had bought for herself.

  ‘He sings so lovely, Kathy,’ she told me. ‘I could listen to his voice forever. Joe takes me to shows up west sometimes, but it’s nice to be able to listen to music like that in your own house. Amy can play the piano, of course. They taught her a lot of things at the school she went to, things I can’t see she’ll ever need.’

  I was thoughtful as I walked home afterwards, wondering if perhaps Amy preferred to be with her aunt, who was the manageress of a fashionable dress shop in the West End to staying in the lanes with her mother.

  I’d thought Bridget seemed a bit upset, even hurt, but if she was she had quickly hidden it behind her usual smile.

  I glanced at the dog searching the gutters as I made my way home from Ernie Cole’s house that morning. It was not wearing a muzzle and after the recent rabies scare in Surrey I felt suspicious of any stray dog in the street; it was the law that all dogs go muzzled for the moment while the scare was on, and I stayed well away as I passed by.

  It was May now and my back was aching and I had been feeling out of sorts all day. I hadn’t felt like doing much for Ernie, though I had taken him some food for his supper, leaving it on the kitchen table where he would find it when he came in. I thought it might be a while before I managed to go there again. The time for my child to be born was getting very near now, and I felt huge and ungainly.

  I was almost past the dog when a child came running down the street kicking a ball and yelling at the top of his voice. His noisy arrival seemed to startle the dog; it put its head up and started to bark ferociously. Without thinking what I was doing, I ran across the street, snatching the child and pushing him behind me as the dog snarled, baring its teeth and appearing ready to bite.

  The child screamed and so did I as the dog tensed, seeming about to fly at us and then someone threw a heavy object at it and it turned and fled down the lane. I saw that the object was a book, which I bent to retrieve as its owner came walking up to us. As I turned to hand it back to the man who had come to our rescue, my heart began to beat wildly and I felt as if I was short of breath.

  ‘Kathy …’Tom’s eyes went over me, taking in the advanced stage of my pregnancy. He frowned and I knew I was not looking my best. The dress I was wearing was an old one of Maggie’s and stained on the skirt, and my hair was limp with grease because I hadn’t felt like washing it for a few days. ‘That was a stupid thing to do.’

  ‘I couldn’t let it bite the child.’ I had let go of the boy and he was staring at me resentfully as he rubbed his arm where I had gripped it. ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you. I thought the dog might bite you.’

  ‘Nah …’ he said. ‘It don’t bite, I’ve seen it afore. You want ter watch what yer doin’ missus.’

  I watched as he ran off down the lane, fighting for control before I looked at Tom again.

  ‘Well, that’s told me, hasn’t it?’

  ‘He doesn’t understand,’ Tom said. ‘But you knew the risks. It was foolish and irresponsible in your condition.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so.’ I handed him his book. ‘It was fortunate that you happened to be here.’

  ‘I came to see Bridget and Joe.’ He was still frowning. ‘You might have told me, Kathy, instead of letting me find out from Bridget.’

  ‘Find out what?’ My heart raced as I looked into his angry eyes. What did he think I should have told him? Had he guessed the child was his?

  ‘That you were going to marry Billy. Bridget said Maggie had been expecting it for months … all the time we were together.’

  ‘No! That’s not how it was,’ I said quickly. ‘Billy asked me to marry him before he went back out there, before we met at the hospital. I didn’t say I would – only that I would think about it. I never promised him anything.’ I broke off as his gaze narrowed. ‘Don’t look at me like that, Tom. You don’t understand.’

  ‘No, I don’t.’ He was clearly very angry, his expression cold as he stared at me. ‘I thought it was me you were going to marry, if you married anyone.’

  ‘I – I thought so too.’ As I saw the expression of disbelief and disgust on his face I knew that I had to lie. ‘But we quarrelled and you didn’t bother to write or make an effort to see me and then I came back here and met Billy again. He wanted us to get married and …’

  ‘You decided you liked him best?’ There was bitterness in his voice. ‘You never really loved me at all, did you, Kathy?’

  My throat was tight with emotion. It hurt me that he should say these things, that he should believe I was so careless of his feelings – so callous. I couldn’t answer him, couldn’t say the things I wanted to tell him, because they were forbidden – and it was too late.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said and turned away. ‘Billy will be home for his tea soon. I have to go.’

  ‘Kathy …?’ There was a new note in his voice now, a note of despair that tugged at my heart strings, but I dared not wait or look back. ‘Kathy, I’m sorry.’

  I blinked hard to stop the tears falling. It was too late. I was Billy’s wife and I could never be Tom’s.

  ‘Tom’s back fer a couple of days,’ Billy said when I put his tea in front of him that evening. ‘I saw him fer a minute when I came back from work. He’s asked us both out for a drink this evenin’, Kathy.’

  ‘You go, Billy. I feel too tired.’

  ‘You’re always bloody tired these days,’ Billy muttered and grabbed my wrist as I made to turn away. ‘You’ll bleedin’ well come and do as yer told fer once, do yer ’ear? And yer can smarten yerself up a bit. I’m sick of seein’ yer like that – you look like somethin’ picked up from down the docks. A bleedin’ doxy, that’s what I’ve got fer a wife.’

  ‘That’s enough of that!’ Mick Ryan surprised me by coming to my defence. ‘I won’t stand for that sort o’ talk in my house. Kathy’s havin’ a hard time with the baby, and you haven’t helped her – out to all hours and never but a few shillin’s on the table for her. I doubt she’s got anythin’ decent to put on the way you’v
e been drinkin’ your money away.’

  It was the first time Mick had ever spoken out, though Maggie had done so on many occasions. Billy’s face went white and then red, and then he glared at me. He was angry that his father had taken my side, but perhaps he was also ashamed.

  ‘I’ll give yer some money this weekend. I hadn’t thought about it – yer will need some for the baby an’ all.’

  ‘Thanks, Billy. I can find a dress to wear if you really want me to come.’

  ‘I want ter show orf me wife ter Tom,’ he said. ‘Yer were always the prettiest girl in the lanes, Kathy – until recently.’

  ‘I’ve not been feeling well,’ I said. ‘But I can make myself look better, if you want?’

  ‘Right then,’ he said and seemed pleased. ‘Get off upstairs and tart yerself up.’

  ‘You can borrow my best dress,’ Maggie offered. ‘If you pin the back and wear a jacket over it no one will know it doesn’t quite fit you, love.’

  ‘Thanks, Maggie, but I let something of my own out this afternoon. I think I can manage.’

  After my meeting with Tom I had given myself a long hard look in the mirror in my bedroom and I hadn’t liked what I’d seen. While Maggie prepared supper I’d sorted out one of the dresses Eleanor had given me and let out the seams. With a jacket over it and my hair tied back with a ribbon I would look more presentable than I had that afternoon.

  Billy nodded his approval when I went back downstairs. Maggie gave me an encouraging smile and told me to enjoy myself.

  As we walked to the pub, Billy offered me his arm. He was clearly in a better frame of mind than he had been in a long time and I thought it must have something to do with Tom being home. I knew the two of them had once been good friends and I imagined Billy was pleased to have been invited out.

  Tom was waiting for us. He had reserved a table by the window and he stood up as we approached, setting a chair for me. Billy gave him a sharp look, then made a fuss of making sure I was comfortable.

  ‘Kathy hasn’t been too well lately, have you, love?’