A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

‘I suffer with the backache and other things. I expect most women do at certain times.’

  ‘Backache is a common complaint in advanced pregnancy,’ Tom agreed, his eyes going over me thoughtfully.

  I avoided his gaze, praying desperately that he hadn’t guessed the truth. I didn’t want him to know that the baby I was carrying was his, because it could only hurt him more.

  ‘You should tell that good fer nuthin’ Ernie Cole to get lost,’ Billy said. ‘She’s always down there doin’ things fer ’im. I don’t know why. She ain’t even sure ’e’s ’er father.’

  ‘Billy … don’t,’ I said not daring to look at Tom. ‘He brought me up, gave me his name whether I’m his daughter or not. Goodness knows what might have happened if he hadn’t.’

  ‘I expect Kathy thinks it’s her duty,’ Tom said. ‘What will you have to drink – Kathy? Billy?’

  ‘I’ll get them in,’ Billy said. ‘You have a chat to Kathy, Tom, Tell ’er what you’ve been doin’ … flyin’ an’ that.’

  We were silent for a moment as he walked away, then both of us spoke at once.

  ‘Tom, I have to tell you-’

  ‘Billy doesn’t know about us?’ Tom said.

  ‘No, he doesn’t, but it wasn’t that. I didn’t know you were ill – after Gran’s funeral.’

  ‘Would it have made a difference?’

  ‘You don’t understand.’

  ‘You’ve said that twice now. What don’t I understand, Kathy? I got your letter when I came back from the infectious diseases unit. I suppose Bridget told you?’ I nodded. ‘You said you didn’t want to get married. I thought that meant you wanted to go on with your nursing.’

  ‘You didn’t reply.’

  ‘I was upset and angry – and then Bridget wrote to tell me you were married. I couldn’t believe what you’d done.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I wish I could explain.’

  ‘Why can’t you?’

  Tom’s expression was an odd mixture of pain and anger.

  ‘If I could I would …’

  It was all I could manage before Billy returned with a tray of drinks, which he placed on the table.

  ‘Port and lemon for you, Kathy love. Beer for you, Tom. I’ll get you a whisky chaser later, if you like?’

  ‘Beer is fine for me.’

  Tom glanced at my glass as I sipped it. When I was out with him I’d always chosen a glass of white wine. I would have preferred it now but Billy hadn’t asked. He never asked me what I wanted these days.

  Tom seemed puzzled as Billy started to talk about sport, telling Tom about a boxing match he’d seen and totally ignoring me. I glanced down at the table, afraid of revealing my desperate unhappiness to Tom’s searching gaze. Once, when I looked up, I saw him watching me with an odd expression in his eyes. My heart felt as if it was being squeezed and I looked away quickly. Was that pity in his eyes? Did he feel sorry for me because my husband did not treat me with affection and respect?

  Tom went to buy the next round of drinks, asking me my preference before he left the table.

  ‘What would you like, Kathy?’

  ‘Kathy always has port and lemon,’ Billy said. ‘She likes it.’

  ‘I wouldn’t mind a glass of ginger beer.’

  ‘You always have port and lemon.’ Billy glared at me.

  ‘I’m not sure it’s good for the baby.’ I’d hardly touched the drink he’d bought me. ‘I don’t really need one at all.’

  ‘I’ll bring a fruit juice if they have it,’ Tom said. ‘That will do you more good, Kathy.’

  Billy scowled at me as Tom went off. ‘Were yer tryin’ ter make me look a fool in front of me pal?’

  ‘No, of course not. It’s just that port is a little strong for me just now.’

  ‘Why didn’t yer tell me?’

  ‘You didn’t ask …’

  Billy’s look was so full of menace that I felt cold all over. If we had been alone I thought he might have hit me. It was no good, I couldn’t stay here any longer. I stood up before Tom could return with the drinks.

  ‘Where do you think you’re goin’?’

  ‘Home. I don’t feel well.’

  ‘Sit down and I’ll take yer ’ome when I’m ready.’

  ‘I’m going now.’ I felt the pain strike at my back and gasped, ‘I think … I think it’s the baby.’

  ‘It’s too soon,’ Billy growled.

  ‘No, I think it’s coming.’ I took a step forward just as Tom arrived with the drinks. ‘I’m sorry. I have to go …’

  ‘Is it the baby?’ Tom asked, grasping the situation immediately. ‘Kathy needs to go home now, Billy – this minute!’

  There was such authority in his voice that Billy got to his feet. He was still resentful and reluctant but something made him obey.

  ‘Come on then,’ he muttered. ‘It’s a waste of good drinks though. I should’ve thought yer could wait fer a bit.’

  Tom gave him a withering look, which shut him up instantly. I sensed the simmering anger in him as he grabbed my arm and hurried me out of the pub.

  ‘I don’t know why yer ’ad ter come if yer were feelin’ bad.’

  I was there at his express wish, but then, Billy hadn’t known how close I was to my time. I refrained from answering him back, partly because I was in too much pain and partly because Tom was walking with us. He had obviously decided that Billy wasn’t fit to be left in charge of a woman who was about to give birth. If there were other reasons for his decision to accompany us I dare not let myself consider what they might be.

  Tom walked beside me. Although he made no attempt to touch or assist me, I was comforted by his presence. I knew that I was safe while he was there.

  Billy scowled and muttered to himself but Tom’s presence restrained his tongue. Had we been alone I knew I should not have escaped so lightly.

  When we reached the house, Maggie came bustling into the hall to greet us. She took one look at my face and shook her head.

  ‘You’d best leave me to look after her now. Can you walk upstairs if I help you, Kathy?’

  ‘Yes, I think so.’ I glanced at Tom. ‘Thank you for bringing me home. There’s no need for you or Billy to stay. Maggie will look after me.’

  ‘Yeah. Ma will see to ’er,’ Billy agreed quickly. ‘We can go back and finish them drinks – unless some bugger ’as swiped ’em.’

  ‘You can’t think of drink at a time like this!’ Tom said incredulously.

  ‘He will be out of the way,’ Maggie said, struck by the sharp note in Tom’s voice. ‘Kathy will be all right with me. I’ll let the doctor know. He might pop in later to see as she’s doin’ all right.’

  ‘I’m a doctor – and I’ll be at Bridget’s house if she needs me. If you are in doubt, Mrs Ryan – any doubt at all – send for me.’

  ‘If that’s what Kathy wants,’ Maggie said. ‘But men are best out of it when a baby’s coming. Isn’t that right, Kathy love?’

  I nodded at Tom. The pains were coming so fast and I was terrified my waters would break and shame me in front of them all.

  ‘Get me upstairs, Maggie.’

  ‘Come on, love. You lean on me. You’ll be all right.’

  It was all I could do to climb the stairs. I did not dare to look at Tom, but I heard Billy’s raised voice trying to persuade him to return to the pub as they went back outside. I was glad they had both gone. I did not want either of them to hear my screams or witness my pain.

  The screams began soon after they left. I was in such terrible pain and Maggie urged me not to hold back.

  ‘It hurts, Maggie … it hurts so bad.’

  ‘I know, love. I know. Just be a brave girl and it will all be over soon,’ she comforted.

  She meant to make things easier for me, but I was torn by the agony that gripped my tortured body and the guilt that nagged at my conscience. This was surely my punishment for deceiving Billy at the start – and for hurting Tom. It would be better for everyone if both my bastard and I we
re to die.

  The pain seemed to go on endlessly. Maggie had tied a knotted sheet to the bedpost. She told me to pull on it and push when the pains came, but it didn’t seem to do any good. The baby just wouldn’t come.

  After what seemed an eternity, I no longer cared. Why should I try? What reason was there for me to live? Billy hated me because I had lied to him and cheated him, and Tom despised me for what I had become. I might as well let go.

  ‘You’re not tryin’, Kathy. You have to try … Tell her, Bridget. I can’t seem to get through to her. She doesn’t seem to care.’

  Someone bent over me. I had not been aware that Bridget was there, but she stroked my forehead gently, smoothing back the damp hair.

  ‘This isn’t like you, Kathy. I know it’s hard but you have to keep on pushing.’

  ‘I can’t … leave me alone. It doesn’t matter if I die.’

  ‘I’m going for help,’ Bridget said. ‘If we don’t so something she will die.’

  ‘Your brother said he would come. Mick couldn’t find Dr Brownlow.’

  ‘Tom is a better doctor than Brownlow any day!’

  ‘No,’ I whispered weakly. ‘Don’t bother Tom, please. He mustn’t come … not Tom …’

  ‘Ignore her,’ Bridget said firmly. ‘She does not know what she’s saying.’

  I was aware of Maggie bathing my face with cold water after Bridget left.

  ‘There’s no shame in givin’ birth,’ she said. ‘Tom’s a doctor. He’s seen it all before. Just don’t give up, Kathy love.’

  Tears were streaming down my face. They didn’t understand. How could they know why I didn’t want Tom to come? He ought not to see his child born. He would know the baby hadn’t come too soon. Would he also guess that it was his?

  I prayed that God would let me die before Tom came, but then he was in the room with us. I felt the touch of his cool, sure hands examining me and I opened my eyes as he bent over me.

  ‘It’s a breach birth, Kathy. I’m going to turn the baby and I shall have to cut you a little. I’m going to give you something so that your pain is eased.’

  ‘No, Tom, let me die. It’s what I deserve …’

  ‘Don’t be a fool, Kathy. You’re not going to die. I’m here now and I shan’t let you die. You and your baby are going to live. Just trust me and believe that it will be all right.’

  I sighed and closed my eyes. I was only just conscious and I hardly knew what he did, but I was aware, through the mist in my mind, that the pain had eased a little.

  ‘Forgive me,’ I whispered hoarsely as he worked over my tortured body. ‘Loved you … always loved you …’

  ‘Billy knows that,’ I heard Maggie say. ‘He will be out of his mind when he knows how you’re sufferin’, Kathy. Mick has gone to fetch him home.’

  ‘No …’ I muttered but my lips wouldn’t work properly. ‘Not …’

  Perhaps it was as well that I could say no more. I was too exhausted and the wail of a new-born baby cried out as if from a long way off. They may have laid the child in my arms for a moment, but I was lost in the mists of pain and the drug Tom had given me.

  ‘It’s a boy.’ Maggie’s voice came to me. ‘You’ve got a lovely son, Kathy.’

  ‘He almost killed her,’ Tom said harshly. ‘He’s very big. Are big babies a family trait, Mrs Ryan?’

  ‘Oh yes, one of my own lads was huge.’

  ‘Well, it was lucky I was nearby. She should rest now. I’ll pop in to see how she is tomorrow, but if anything happens that worries you call me at once. It doesn’t matter what time it is, fetch me!’

  ‘You’ve been wonderful, Tom. Billy will be so grateful to you for savin’ his wife and child. Worships the ground she walks on, Billy does.’

  Why was Maggie lying? She knew our marriage was far from happy. Why was she doing her best to convince Tom otherwise?

  I wanted to thank Tom for taking the pain away, but I was too tired. I felt the touch of his hand briefly against my cheek and then he was gone.

  A dreadful emptiness swept over me as I drifted away into a blessed sleep. Tom had come to me when I needed him so badly, but now I had to live without him.

  The sun was shining when I opened my eyes and I knew I must have slept late into the day. Someone was sitting by the bed, his head bent as though dozing in the chair. In my first conscious thoughts I believed it might be Tom and I tried to speak his name, then the man lifted his head and looked at me.

  ‘I’m ‘ere, Kathy love,’ Billy said and his voice was a cracked whisper of emotion. ‘God forgive me for not bein’ ’ere when you nearly died. I never shall—’

  ‘Billy?’

  ‘Don’t say anythin’, Kathy. I know yer must ’ate me after the way I’ve treated yer. I was so eaten up by my jealousy and hatred of those bastards what ’urt yer, but I was the one what near killed yer. Ma told me yer gave up, and that’s my fault. I’ve made yer so miserable yer didn’t want ter live.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Billy. I cheated you …’

  ‘You ‘ad no choice,’ he said. ‘You were ashamed and desperate and yer came to me fer ’elp. I’ve let yer down, Kathy, but I’ll be a better ’usband in future. I give yer me word.’

  ‘I’m sorry I hurt you so badly Billy. Forgive me.’

  ‘I’m the one what needs to be forgiven …’ Billy broke off as a knock came at the door and then Tom came in. As soon as he saw him, Billy burst into noisy sobs, jumped up and rushed to capture him in a fiercely emotional hug. ‘Tom, can’t thank yer enough fer what yer did. If yer hadn’t been ’ere I’d have lost my Kathy … lost my lovely wife. I were a right swine to ’er and I ’ate myself fer what I done.’

  ‘It’s all right, Billy,’ I said. ‘I understand. There’s no need to weep all over poor Tom just because we had a quarrel.’

  Billy broke away, wiping his sleeve across his face.

  ‘Will yer listen ter ’er, Tom,’ he said looking sheepish. ‘Barely back from the dead she is and bossin’ me about already.’

  ‘I’m pleased to see you looking so much better, Kathy.’ Tom came to the bedside. His manner was detached, professional, as he took my pulse. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘A little sore but much better.’

  ‘Thanks to you,’ Billy said. ‘You’ve always been me best mate, Tom. I don’t know what ter say …’ He broke off, visibly overcome.

  ‘Billy is trying to say thank you for saving my life and that of our son – aren’t you, Billy?’

  Billy looked at me oddly, then nodded. ‘That’s about the long and short of it, Tom. I’m grateful fer what you done.’

  ‘I’m grateful too. The child and I would both have died if you hadn’t come.’

  Tom’s expression gave nothing away as he turned from me to Billy. ‘I’m a doctor. Saving life is what I do whenever I can. I am glad I was able to help Kathy. You will need to take care of her for a while – no more children for at least two years. Another child too soon could kill her.’

  ‘I understand.’ Billy glanced at me. ‘I’ll take care of yer, Kathy. I promise yer. I’ve learned me lesson.’

  ‘Well, I must go,’ Tom said without glancing at me. ‘I just popped in to see Kathy was all right. If there are any complications send for your own doctor and make sure he comes. Kathy should stay in bed for at least two weeks.’

  ‘She won’t move from that bed until she’s ready.’

  ‘Goodbye, then.’ Tom offered his hand and they shook hands. ‘Take care of your wife, Billy. You are a lucky man to have her – and that beautiful boy. He is a son any man would be proud of.’

  ‘I’ll come down with you,’ Billy said. ‘Ma will come up in a minute to see if yer need anything’, Kathy.’

  I lay back and closed my eyes as they went out together. I was almost certain that Tom suspected the child might be his, and he had found a way of telling me how proud he was of the boy and of me. I had done my best to convince him that the child was Billy’s, but there had been s
omething in his eyes that made me believe he knew the truth.

  Tears trickled down my cheeks. I had wanted so much to tell Tom he was the father of the baby he had brought into the world, but I knew it was a secret that I must never reveal.

  ‘How are you feelin’, Kathy love? Could you fancy a cup of tea and maybe a bite to eat – somethin’ light and tasty?’

  I opened my eyes and smiled at Maggie. I had wondered in my confused state the previous night why she’d done her best to convince Tom that Billy loved me, but now I understood. Maggie was my friend. She knew that I had married Billy for reasons I did not want to discuss and she had tried to protect me from my own weakness. I could never be Tom’s wife and perhaps in his own way Billy did still care for me. I had to make the most of my situation.

  ‘I should love a cup of tea, Maggie. I’ll try to eat something if I can manage it.’

  ‘Bridget brought a nice chicken for you. Roasted to perfection it is, all golden brown and succulent. A nice little bit of breast and some bread and butter would go down a treat.’

  ‘You and Bridget are determined to spoil me.’

  ‘We care about you, Kathy – and so does Billy in his way. He was out of his mind with worry after his father sobered him up last night. Mick gave him a right talkin’ to – slapped him around a bit – and Billy took it all. I’ve never seen him so down before. I think he had a real fright.’

  ‘Yes, I know. He says everything will be different now.’

  I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. Could things ever really be different for Billy and me?

  ‘Let’s hope he means it. I’ll get that cuppa for you, love.’

  I sat up against the pillows as Maggie went out, telling myself to be strong. I had to think of the future, not the past. It was wrong of me to be thinking of Tom when I could hear my son crying in the next room. They had taken him away so that I could sleep but now I wanted to hold him.

  As suddenly as the crying had started it stopped and then Billy came in carrying the baby and looking the part of a proud father. He looked at me, seeming oddly shy as if he didn’t quite know how to behave.

  ‘I think he wants feedin’ – if you’re up to it?’

  ‘I’ll try,’ I said, holding out my arms.