A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

  Her hair was a lighter colour than before and I thought she must have used some kind of bleach on it, because it looked a bit dry and frizzy. She was wearing a shorter skirt than most people I knew would think decent, and a lot of red lipstick.

  ‘I thought it was you,’ she said. ‘I hope you didn’t mind me calling out to you like that?’

  ‘No, of course not. Why should I?’

  ‘Some people round here would rather not know me these days – not since I started working at that club as a hostess. They think I’m a prostitute, but I’m not. I just talk to men and get them to buy drinks. Some of the men ask me to go with them, but I don’t. The boss doesn’t approve of girls working a sideline.’

  ‘Oh?’ I was surprised by her confession. Why was she telling me? It was as if she thought I knew where she worked. ‘What made you give up nursing?’

  ‘The same as you, I expect, but he wouldn’t marry me so I got rid of the kid. You were lucky, Kathy. Billy’s all right.’

  ‘I thought you didn’t like him?’

  ‘I didn’t – but he’s been nice to me recently. Helped me out with money a couple of times. Nothing wrong – nothing you wouldn’t like, Kathy. He thinks the world of you. Never looks at any of the girls at the club.’

  ‘You’ve seen Billy, at the club?’ Now I understood. Valerie must work at the club where Billy had been a bouncer.

  ‘Yes. I thought he must have told you?’

  ‘He didn’t tell me much about it at all – he said it was better that way.’

  ‘He’s got sense … or I thought he had.’ She looked at me doubtfully. ‘I heard somethin’ I wasn’t supposed to the other day. Tell Billy to be careful. I don’t know much, but he wants to be real careful.’

  ‘Of Mr Maitland?’

  She nodded, looking over her shoulder uneasily. ‘He doesn’t forgive lightly, Kathy. Tell Billy not to trust anythin’ he says in future. It would be better for all of you if you went somewhere right away from London.’

  ‘What did you hear? It must have been bad?’

  I felt cold shivers run down my spine as I saw her expression.

  ‘I can’t say any more or I’ll be in trouble too. I have to go now. Just tell Billy what I said.’

  I watched as she walked quickly away. I would tell my husband about my meeting with Valerie, but I doubted if he would take much notice. Billy did things his own way. I worried about Valerie Green’s warning, but there was nothing very much I could do. Billy never listened to me.

  My anxiety for Billy’s safety receded to the backwaters of my mind when he found a job at a factory. He was the nightwatchman, which meant that he came home and went to bed when I got up and started my day. The work didn’t pay very well, but at least there was some money coming in and we managed. I still had a few pounds I’d put by when Billy was giving me far more than I needed, and that helped out with the bills.

  And then I started to be sick in the mornings again. Billy looked at me as I came back from the toilet on the third morning in a row. He had just gone to bed and I knew he must have heard me being ill. The look in his eyes was wary, showing none of the delight there had been the last time I was pregnant.

  ‘You’re ’avin’ another kid,’ he said accusingly.

  ‘It looks that way.’

  ‘We can’t afford it. Can’t yer get rid of it? Drink some hot gin sittin’ in the bath, or somethin’.’

  ‘Billy! You can’t mean that?’ I stared at him in horror.

  ‘We can barely keep the two we’ve got. I’ve ’eard there are ways ter get rid of a kid yer don’t want.’

  ‘Well, I’m not going to so don’t say another word! Most of the remedies don’t work – and those that do are dangerous.’

  ‘You’ll ’ave ter manage with less then. Yer could go ter work fer a couple of hours, or get that bleedin Ernie Cole ter pay yer fer what yer do fer ’im.’

  ‘I shan’t have the time or the energy to go to work with another baby on the way. Couldn’t we sell the house and move into a rented place?’

  ‘I still owe fifty quid on it. I was buyin’ it in instalments. We may ’ave ter let it go fer what we can get and move back in with Ma.’

  Billy glared at me angrily, as though blaming me for the reversal in his fortunes.

  ‘That wouldn’t matter. I’m sure Maggie wouldn’t mind for a while. I’m not sure she’d want us there for long, though. It wasn’t so bad when we just had Mickey …’

  Three children to shatter the peace of her home was rather a lot to ask of Maggie. She would do it if she were forced, but it would not be easy. It would be better if we moved into a rented house. Billy could surely sell ours and pay off his debt – unless there were more debts that he hadn’t told me about?

  Billy had clearly been spending far more than he ought for a long time. Where had that money come from? Was it just from the job he’d told me about, or was there more that he was hiding from me? I felt the coldness spread through me as I realized the obvious source of the loan for the house. If my husband owned money to the dangerous Mr Maitland, what was he going to demand in return?

  ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you,’ Bridget said. ‘I heard it this morning, Kathy, and thought you would rather hear it from me than someone else.’

  ‘Is it something about Billy?’ My heart beat wildly as I saw the anxious look in her eyes. ‘Is he in some kind of trouble?’

  ‘No, not Billy, it’s Ernie Cole,’ Bridget said. ‘He has finally lost his job for good. Apparently there was a huge row at the brewery and Mr Dawson told him not to go back there again. And then last night he got drunk and smashed up the pub where he was drinking. The police took him away and they say he’ll go to prison for at least a couple of months; malicious damage and disrupting the peace.’

  ‘He gets worse,’ I said and sighed. ‘Oh, well, at least I shan’t have to bother about getting him a meal this evening, shall I?’

  ‘You look tired, Kathy,’ Bridget said, her eyes going over me anxiously. ‘Is there anything wrong – anything I can do to help?’

  ‘No, it’s just that I’m feeling a bit down,’ I said and smiled at her. ‘Problems, you know what it’s like. I’ll be fine again soon.’

  ‘Yes, I did hear Billy had some problems,’ Bridget said. ‘If you need money, Kathy …’

  ‘No, we’re fine,’ I lied. ‘Honestly, Bridget we’re fine.’

  We might have problems but I wasn’t so desperate yet that I needed to beg from friends. I still had my pride.

  One of Billy’s problems was solved when I fell down the stairs a few days later. Mickey had left a toy train on the third stair from the top and somehow I didn’t see it. I caught my heel on it, tripped and tumbled all the way down.

  My scream brought Billy from his bed. He bent over me anxiously as I tried to get up and couldn’t.

  ‘What’s wrong, Kathy? Oh, God! Yer ain’t broke yer back? Not in a little fall like that?’

  ‘It wasn’t a little fall,’ I snapped. ‘I could easily have broken my neck, Billy, but I think it’s just my ankle. It hurts a lot.’

  ‘I’ll carry yer up ter bed.’

  ‘Just leave me alone!’

  Despite my protests, he picked me up, took me to the bedroom, then pulled his outdoor clothes on and went rushing off to fetch Maggie.

  ‘It looks like a bad sprain,’ she said after she’d bathed my ankle with cold water. ‘You were right, Kathy, there’s no bones broken. Not that I can feel anyway.’

  ‘It still means I shall be laid up for …’ I gasped as I felt the new pain in my belly. ‘Oh no! Maggie, I think I’m having a miscarriage. The fall must have brought it on.’

  I could feel the warm trickle between my thighs and I knew I was bleeding. The baby Billy hadn’t wanted wouldn’t be born after all.

  Maggie insisted on calling out the doctor, even though I told her we couldn’t afford it.

  ‘Be damned to the money,’ she said fiercely. ‘You need a doctor
, Kathy, and if Billy won’t pay for his visit I will.’

  There wasn’t much anyone could do. The doctor advised rest and a nourishing diet to build me up again, but it was a common enough occurrence for women to miscarry in the early stages of pregnancy. For women who lived in our area it was often a blessing, and falls like mine were not always accidental.

  I grieved for the child that had not been given the chance to grow in my womb for its full term, but Billy made no secret of the fact that he was relieved.

  ‘As long as yer weren’t ’urt bad it don’t matter,’ was all the comment he made when told of the miscarriage. ‘Yer can ’ave another baby when I get on me feet again.’

  ‘And when will that be?’

  There was a note of bitterness in my voice I could not control. Billy might not have been aware of it. He seemed more cheerful again, as if he had hopes of something that might restore his fortunes.

  I didn’t ask. The loss of my baby had left me feeling numb. I wasn’t very interested in Billy or his schemes at the moment.

  At first the pain and shock of losing my baby had driven everything else from my mind, but then I began to think and remember.

  I had remembered that Mickey’s toy hadn’t been on the stairs when I went up the previous night. It was his favourite and it had been beside his bed where it always was while he slept. My son was still fast asleep when I fell, so who had put the train on the stairs and why?

  The only answer I could think of was one so chilling that I was afraid to face it even in my own mind. I was just aware of a dull ache about my heart and a feeling of being alone.

  I had done wrong by Billy when I married him without telling him I was carrying a child, but I was certainly paying for it now.

  A month had passed since my fall. It was early summer but a chilly day and I had been to the corner shop to buy some eggs and cheese to make an omelette for the children. About to let myself into the house I heard someone call my name and I paused on the step. My heart did a rapid somersault and I turned as Tom came up to me. He was carrying flowers and parcels, and he smiled as he reached me.

  ‘May I come in, Kathy? Bridget told me what happened. I’m so sorry about the baby. I would’ve come sooner but I was away at an important conference and I only got her letter when I returned.’

  I hesitated for a moment, remembering Billy’s angry outburst after his last visit, but the sight of Tom’s eager face was more than I could resist. I had been feeling so empty – so hopeless – and I wanted to be with him, if only for a short time.

  ‘Yes, come in, Tom.’

  He studied my face as I led him into the house and then turned to look at him. The parlour was clean but I hadn’t polished the furniture for a while and it looked dull.

  ‘I’m sorry the place isn’t right. I’ve been feeling a bit low and everything seems too much bother.’

  ‘That’s natural enough after what happened. A miscarriage is one of the worst things a woman can suffer – and I know you’ve had other troubles.’

  ‘Billy, well, I expect Bridget has told you.’

  ‘Bridget tells me everything about you,’ Tom said as he laid his parcels on the table. ‘She knows I love you, Kathy. I always shall.’

  ‘Oh, Tom …’ A sob broke from me as I gazed up at him and saw the tenderness in his eyes. ‘Oh, Tom, I love you. I’ve always loved you.’

  He reached for me then, drawing me into his arms. As his mouth came down to touch mine in a sweet, lingering kiss I shivered with pleasure and melted against him, the longing I had suppressed all this time sweeping over me in great waves. I felt weak and dependent and I needed to be held, to be loved – and God forgive me, I needed Tom.

  Tom’s kiss deepened, his tongue exploring the inner softness of my mouth, arousing sensations I had believed long dead, forgotten in the numbing deadness of marital duty. I responded eagerly, matching his hunger with a hunger of my own. I was trembling, meltingly ready for love. Oh, how I wanted to lie with him, to forget everything in his arms, to leave all the pain and disappointment of the past years behind and glory in his loving.

  ‘I want you, Kathy.’

  ‘Oh, Tom. I want you, too, but we mustn’t. We mustn’t …’

  ‘Because of Billy?’ Tom looked down into my face. ‘No, it isn’t just because you’re married to him, is it? There’s something more – the reason you married him in the first place.’

  ‘Yes.’ I broke away from him, turning my back, my arms folded across myself to stop the shaking that swept over me. ‘I can’t tell you, Tom. It would hurt you … shame us both.’

  I felt him come to me, encircle me from behind with his arms, his breath warm on my neck and my body went weak with desire. He turned me, kissing me again until I was almost ready to promise him anything – but I knew it could not be.

  ‘It isn’t because you don’t love me?’ I shook my head as his eyes searched my face, probing my mind for answers. ‘You feel as I do – and you never loved Billy.’

  ‘Billy was there and I couldn’t have you, but if I could go back I would not have married him.’

  ‘Then tell me why, Kathy. Don’t you think I have a right to know? Or are you going to condemn me to purgatory for the rest of my life, never knowing why you turned to him?’

  ‘Because … because we couldn’t marry.’

  ‘Why? I don’t understand. We were neither of us married then. Explain why we couldn’t marry each other.’

  I took a deep breath. I had tried so hard to protect Tom from the knowledge that would hurt and shame him, but perhaps it was best that he should know.

  ‘Because an uncle cannot marry his niece.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Tom stared at me in bewilderment. ‘I don’t know what you mean, Kathy.’

  ‘I was told that your brother Jamie O’Rourke was my father.’ I gasped as I saw the anger flare in his eyes. ‘Ernie Cole told me, Tom. I was going to write to you about the baby. I hesitated for a while, because I didn’t want it to look as though I was running back to you just because I was pregnant, but I thought if I wrote, you could come to me or not as you liked.’

  ‘You know I would have come, Kathy. It was what I wanted – to be married to the woman I loved and have a family. I thought you had decided you would rather pursue a career, and then you married Billy. I nearly went out of my mind with anger and pain.’

  ‘But, don’t you see, Tom?’ I looked at him in a desperate appeal. ‘I couldn’t tell anyone. I was afraid you would hate me … would be disgusted by what we had done without knowing. If you are my uncle, it’s incest!’

  ‘I don’t believe it, Kathy. Ernie Cole was lying.’

  ‘I thought that at first,’ I said. ‘But don’t you see – it doesn’t really matter if it’s true. If I had defied him and married you he would have told everyone that you were my uncle. It would have ruined us both – ruined your career. You might even have been arrested. Incest is a sin and a crime. The gossip and scandal would have made it impossible for us to live together as man and wife.’

  ‘But he is a liar. He has to be!’ For the first time I saw a flicker of doubt in Tom’s eyes and I knew that he had begun to wonder. ‘We must be able to prove it is a lie.’

  ‘Only my mother – or your brother – could do that.’

  ‘Jamie went off years ago. Neither Bridget nor I have heard from him in a long time. I think she may have had one or two letters at the start, but nothing since. He may be dead for all I know.’

  ‘And my mother disappeared soon after I was born. Ernie swears that she told him Jamie O’Rourke was the father of her child.’ I gave a little sob. ‘I had to promise to cook and clean for Ernie or he would have told Billy. He knows Mickey is yours and you know what that would do to Billy. It’s my fault. I did something wrong and I’ve paid for my mistake. I should never have married him.’

  ‘Leave him, Kathy. Come away with me. I’ll look after you and the children. We’ll go to America where no one knows
us. It doesn’t matter, I know it’s a lie! Ernie made it up for some twisted reason of his own.’

  I could see by the look in his eyes that despite his words he was not sure, and I knew he was beginning to realize what the truth might mean.

  ‘Mickey is fine,’ I said. ‘Perfectly normal …’

  ‘Then that points to it probably being a lie. You know the dangers of children between close relatives.’

  ‘It might just be luck?’ I saw the pain and indecision in his eyes. ‘I love you, Tom, but now you understand why I did what I did.’

  ‘Yes, I can understand, but you were wrong, Kathy. You should have come to me, let me help you – let me try to discover the truth. It was cruel and thoughtless to act as you did – cruel to both Billy and me.’

  ‘Yes, I know, but at the time it seemed the only way.’

  ‘You should have given me the chance to discover the truth.’

  He was angry and hurt that I had not gone to him in my distress, and I could not find it in me to blame him.

  ‘How can you? How can anyone ever be sure?’

  ‘I can try to trace Jamie, for one thing.’ Tom frowned as he looked at me, his eyes meeting mine in a demanding gaze. ‘If I can prove that Jamie isn’t your father, would you come away with me then?’

  ‘I … I don’t know,’ I faltered as I saw the blaze of anger in his eyes. ‘I want to, Tom. You must know I want to leave him …’ I was prevented from saying more as the front door opened and Maggie came in. ‘Billy will be so sorry to have missed you, Tom. It was so lovely of you to bring those flowers.’

  ‘The parcels are for the children,’ Tom said and I could see the frustration in his eyes. ‘Just a few things they might need. I ought to go now. Give my regards to Billy.’ He nodded to Maggie as she stood there with Sarah in her arms and Mickey struggling to get out of the pushchair.

  ‘Mamma! Let me out … let me out …’

  ‘Yes, darling. I’m coming now.’ I smiled at him as I went to unbuckle the straps that held him in. He was such an impatient, restless child, so full of energy. ‘Have they been good, Maggie?’