A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘Yes, very good,’ she said. Her expression was stony as Tom went out but she said nothing before the door had closed behind him and Mickey had escaped into the kitchen in search of a biscuit from the jar on the table. ‘That was a bit foolish, wasn’t it? Supposing Billy had come in then instead of me.’

  ‘We were just talking.’ I reached out to take Sarah from her arms. ‘She’s getting so heavy.’

  ‘Don’t try to change the subject, Kathy. You know what I mean. It was obvious that something was going on between you.’

  ‘Nothing was going on,’ I lied but my cheeks flamed. Maggie always knew when I wasn’t telling her the truth. ‘All right – Tom wants me to leave Billy.’

  ‘Are you going to?’

  ‘No. I’m not sure.’ I faced her defiantly. ‘Billy isn’t easy to live with these days, Maggie.’

  ‘You married him for better or worse remember.’

  ‘The other week you told me I should think about leaving him.’

  ‘I didn’t like the way he was treating you, but you said he’d been better.’

  ‘He had – until he knew I was pregnant again.’ I hesitated, then: ‘I think Billy put the toy on the stairs, Maggie. I think he wanted me to fall so that I lost the baby.’

  Her face went white and then red.

  ‘That’s a wicked lie! You’ve made it up just so you can leave him.’

  ‘No, that’s not true, Maggie. I wouldn’t do that – you know I wouldn’t.’

  ‘I’m not sure anymore what you might do,’ she muttered, giving me a resentful look. ‘You tell lies, Kathy. And I know Tom O’Rourke means more to you than Billy ever has.’

  ‘Yes, he does,’ I admitted. ‘I love him.’

  ‘Then why …?’ She stared at me, two spots of angry colour in her cheeks. ‘Mickey is his, isn’t he? Oh, don’t bother to answer. I’ve known ever since he was born. I just hope Billy doesn’t ever find out.’

  ‘Find out what?’ Billy stood in the open door glaring at us both. ‘I could hear you from outside. What are you arguing about? It isn’t like you two to have a row.’

  ‘Nothing. It was just a tiff over a recipe Maggie gave me,’ I replied. ‘We weren’t really quarrelling – were we, Maggie?’

  She looked at me oddly, and for a moment I thought she was about to betray me. ‘No, not arguing – just exchanging an opinion. But I’m sure I’m right, Kathy. If you do it your way you’ll be sorry.’

  ‘Perhaps.’

  ‘I’m off,’ she said and gave me what was clearly a warning look. ‘I’ve got Mick’s tea to get ready, that’s why I brought the kids back.’

  Billy was looking at the flowers and parcels on the table. He swung round to face me as his mother went out and closed the door behind her.

  ‘You were both lying,’ he said and his eyes narrowed in a menacing gaze. ‘I knew yer were ’avin’ a row. Where did these things come from? Who brought you flowers?’

  ‘Tom – it was Tom,’ I said, realizing that there was no point in trying to conceal it now. ‘Maggie thought I shouldn’t have taken them, but Tom said the things were for the children.’

  Billy crossed the floor in two strides. He was furious and as he raised his hand to strike me, I stepped back trying to avoid the blow, but he reached out and grabbed me, then he hit me across the face three times, making my lip bleed.

  ‘That’s just for lyin’,’ he said. ‘If I find out you’ve been doing more than lyin’, I’ll beat you until you scream for mercy.’

  ‘It was just a kind thought on Tom’s part.’

  Billy gathered the parcels and flowers up, crushing the petals as he tucked them under his arm. ‘I don’t want charity. My kids will have what I give them or go without. Do yer ’ear me, Kathy?’

  ‘I hear you but I don’t have to do everything you say.’

  ‘You’d better believe it. Next time I’ll bloody kill yer!’

  ‘Where are you going?’ I cried as he turned towards the door. ‘Come back, Billy. I haven’t done anything wrong. I promise you there’s no reason for you to be angry.’

  ‘But you tell lies, Kathy. You and me bleedin’ ma both. I’m goin’ ter see Tom and I’ll knock the truth out o’ ’im.’

  ‘No, Billy! Please don’t. Come back …’

  Sarah had started to scream in my arms and Mickey was staring at us from the kitchen doorway with a worried look in his eyes. I was terrified of what Billy might do to Tom but I couldn’t leave my children. I had to stay with them and pray that Billy wouldn’t find Tom at Bridget’s.

  ‘Don’t be there, Tom,’ I whispered in silent prayer. ‘Please don’t be there when Billy comes looking.’

  I took Sarah upstairs and changed her, then put her in her cot. Mickey had followed me up and he stood looking at me, his eyes wide and frightened.

  ‘Daddy’s cross,’ he said and began to suck his thumb. ‘He hit you, Mamma.’

  I left Sarah, who was already half asleep, and went to pick my son up, hugging him gently to comfort him. My face hurt where Billy had hit me, but I didn’t realize my lip was still bleeding until Mickey touched it with his fingers and showed me.

  ‘Daddy didn’t mean to hurt me, darling. It was an accident.’

  I could see the disbelief in his face and for the first time I realized that my son was aware of his father’s temper. Billy was usually good with the children, taking his bad temper out on me when they weren’t around, but this time he hadn’t bothered to wait.

  ‘Let’s leave Sarah to have her nap, shall we? I might find a nice egg for your tea, if you’re good.’

  ‘Granny made me an egg,’ Mickey said. ‘Biscuit please, Mamma.’

  ‘And some milk,’ I said as I carried him downstairs. He struggled to get free at the bottom. Mickey was far too independent to want to be carried about like a baby. He went running into the kitchen and I followed, pouring some milk into a mug and getting out the fresh biscuits I had made earlier.

  I was thoughtful as I watched my son eat and drink. Mickey was growing up fast. If he was already aware of Billy’s temper it might make life difficult for him in the future.

  Would I be justified in taking the children away from Billy? Tom had promised to look after us even if he was never able to be my husband. I had hesitated when Tom asked me, my old guilt raising its head to make me feel that I owed some loyalty to Billy. Yet perhaps I had paid my debt to him.

  I couldn’t let his increasing bad temper and violence affect my children – and I didn’t want to live with a man who hit me when he felt like it.

  Yet still my conscience nagged at me. Was I using this incident to gain what I really wanted? I had been secretly hankering to leave Billy for a long time.

  Billy didn’t come home for hours. When he did, I heard him stumbling about the kitchen, knocking into things, and I knew he’d been drinking. I wondered whether to try to ignore him; then I got up, pulled on a dressing robe and went down to face him. If there was going to be another row, we might as well get it over with now.

  He was at the kitchen sink, pouring water into a bowl, and he turned as I spoke his name. I gasped as I saw his face. It was badly bruised, his nose was bleeding and his lip was cut open.

  ‘You’ve been fighting!’

  ‘I gave that bleedin’ Tom O’Rourke a hidin’!’

  ‘You look as if you’ve had one yourself.’

  ‘It’s nothin’ ter what he looks like by now,’ Billy muttered. ‘He didn’t do all this ter me – someone else finished it orf fer ’im.’

  I thought he might be lying out of bravado, but when I went closer I saw that some of the cuts were fresh and still bleeding profusely, while others were turning purple as if they had been inflicted earlier.

  ‘Who was it – the second time?’ I reached for the cloth and began to wipe the blood away. Billy groaned and pulled his shirt up to reveal a deep laceration on his chest. It looked as if it might have been made with a chain. ‘That’s nasty.’

  ‘It wer
e meant to be,’ he said ruefully. ‘It was ter teach me a lesson and to warn me what will ’appen if I go wrong again.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I stared at him in horror. ‘Was this done to you by Mr Maitland’s men?’

  ‘Yeah – but don’t say nothin’ or we’ll all end up as dead meat. I ’ad ter be taught me lesson, Kathy, but it was worth it now ’e’s goin’ ter give me another chance. I’ve been told ’e’s got a job fer me next week.’

  ‘What kind of a job?’ I looked at him anxiously. No matter how badly he had behaved to me earlier, he was still my husband – and Sarah’s father. Remembering Valerie Green’s warning I was uneasy. ‘Be careful, Billy. I don’t think you should have anything to do with that man – for your own sake.’

  ‘I don’t ’ave a choice,’ he replied and smothered a groan. ‘He owns me, Kathy.’

  ‘Oh, Billy.’

  ‘Don’t yer worry, love,’ he said. ‘I’ll keep me nose clean this time. It won’t ’appen again. I’ll earn a bit o’ money and pay me debts – and things will be good fer us again.’

  I took the cold cloth from the bruise I’d been bathing. ‘Not if you hit me and shout at me in front of the children. Sarah screamed her head off until I got her to sleep, and Mickey was frightened.’

  ‘I lost me temper,’ Billy said, looking contrite. ‘I’m sorry, Kathy. It were Tom bringin’ them things ’ere. I’ve got me pride.’

  ‘But I told you they were for the children.’

  ‘I know yer did – but I thought yer were sweet on ’im.’ He pulled a face. ‘After we’d ’ad a fight, he told me it wasn’t never that way between yer, Kathy. Said ’e’s probably goin’ back ter America soon.’

  I moved away from Billy to rinse the cloth under the tap, taking a deep breath before I turned to look at him. I felt sick and uneasy. Had Tom really lied about our relationship – or was Billy lying to me?

  ‘Well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah, sorry, Kathy. Are yer mad at me fer what I done?’

  ‘Yes, I am, Billy. I won’t put up with violence – and I won’t have the children upset.’

  ‘It won’t ’appen no more,’ he promised. ‘I’ll be on me feet again soon and then I’ll make it up ter yer.’

  Ten

  I met Bridget as I was on my way to the corner shop the next morning. She hurried up to me, her eyes going over me searchingly and resting for a moment on the bruise to my lip.

  ‘You look better than Tom anyway.’

  ‘How is he? I’m so sorry for what Billy did.’ A sob caught in my throat. ‘It’s all my fault.’

  ‘That’s nonsense, Kathy. Billy has been spoiling for a fight with Tom for years. It was bound to happen one of these days. Besides, Tom can stand up for himself. He knocked Billy down in the end, you know, then he helped him up and they talked for a while. Tom did his best to settle him down.’

  ‘Do you know what Tom said to him?’

  Billy had lied about his fight with Tom, implying that he’d won easily. It probably followed that he’d also lied about what Tom had said to him.

  ‘No, Kathy. I thought it best to stay clear and let them get on with it. Especially once they had stopped hitting one another.’

  ‘Did … did Tom tell you anything afterwards?’

  ‘About Jamie being your father?’ Bridget nodded and looked thoughtful. ‘I can’t be sure whether it’s the truth or not, Kathy, because Jamie was a bit of a lad for the girls at one time, but I think it must be a lie. Jamie went away from the lanes at about that time. He worked for Joe and he was very much in love with Mary Robinson. I can’t think he went with anyone else after he met Mary, but I couldn’t swear to it.’

  ‘There’s no way any of us can be sure. It’s hopeless.’

  ‘I wouldn’t say that.’ Bridget took a sealed envelope from her pocket and gave it to me. ‘That’s from Tom. He’s gone for the moment, Kathy, but the letter will explain.’

  ‘Thanks, Bridget.’

  I ripped the envelope open, reading the brief message inside. Tom had written to say he was going to try to trace his brother through friends in America.

  I’m leaving for the moment because I don’t want to cause more trouble for you, Kathy. You have to make up your own mind whether or not you are prepared to leave Billy. You know I love you and whatever the truth about your father, I shall always care for you and the children. I’ll be in touch soon, and in the meantime go to Bridget if you need help. Tom.

  I slipped the letter into my pocket, making a mental note to destroy it when I got home. Billy would go mad if he found it.

  ‘Is it all right, Kathy?’ Bridget was looking at me anxiously. ‘You know I’m there if you need me?’

  ‘Yes, thank you, but I’m all right. Billy isn’t often violent with me. He was in such a temper …’

  ‘Once they start hittin’ you …’ Bridget pulled a face. ‘I don’t want to interfere, Kathy, but Maggie’s told me she doesn’t like the way he treats you sometimes.’

  ‘Billy has been through a bad patch,’ I said, excusing him as I usually did. ‘But I shan’t put up with violence. If he hits me again I shall walk out on him.’

  ‘Good for you.’ Bridget smiled at me. ‘Are you going to bring the children to the party at the church hall this Saturday? Joe is organizing it and it’s for all the kids in the lanes, not just the Catholic children.’

  ‘I didn’t know it was on,’ I said, ‘but yes, I should love to come, Bridget. What time?’

  ‘It starts at half past two. We shall be having a few games and prizes, and then a good tea at half past three. It will be nice to see you there, Kathy. You don’t get out much these days.’

  ‘I’ve been busy,’ I said, ‘and I didn’t feel like talking to anyone for a while after I lost the baby.’

  ‘It pulled you down,’ Bridget said giving me a sympathetic look. ‘But you mustn’t let this get you down, love. I dare say there will be other babies.’

  I nodded, but didn’t answer her. Billy hadn’t touched me in that way since my fall and I hadn’t encouraged him. The thought that he might have deliberately left Mickey’s toy on the stairs, in the hope that I might fall and lose the baby, had killed any warmer feelings I might still have had for him. If he tried to make love to me now my body would reject his touch.

  If I stayed with him in the future it would be out of a sense of duty, because women like me didn’t just walk out on their husbands without good cause. But there were times when I wanted to leave. Oh, yes, I wanted to leave.

  I hardly saw Billy to speak to that week. When he came home from his job at the factory he went straight to bed; he got up at about two in the afternoons and went out somewhere, returning only to put on his working clothes before he went off to the night shift at the factory.

  On the Friday afternoon he put thirty shillings on the table for me.

  ‘What’s this, Billy? I thought you didn’t get paid until tomorrow?’

  ‘It’s extra,’ he said. ‘I told yer I was gettin’ another chance with Mr Maitland. I’m not earnin’ much yet because I’ve got ter pay orf what I owe – but there’s somethin’ special comin’ up soon and then I’ll ’ave some real money again.’

  ‘Oh, Billy.’ I looked at him anxiously. ‘You won’t do anything silly, will you?’

  ‘You mind yer own business,’ he muttered. ‘And don’t try to tell me how to do mine.’

  ‘Maybe I shan’t be around much longer to tell you anything!’ I snapped at him without thinking.

  His eyes narrowed, fists balling at his sides. ‘If yer want a cut lip, yer goin’ the right way ter get one!’

  ‘Do that and I shall walk out on you!’

  ‘Maybe I’d better take that back then.’ He scooped up the money he had put on the table. ‘I’ll pay the bills in future.’

  ‘That won’t stop me if I want to go!’

  ‘Don’t threaten me, Kathy.’ He came round the table and gripped my arm, his fingers diggi
ng deep into my flesh, hurting me. ‘I’ve warned yer – don’t push me too far. Or I might really do something you wouldn’t like.’

  I wrenched away from him, rubbing at my arm. Billy was the one who was pushing things too far. I had nearly had enough of his moods.

  Billy and his moods were left behind as I set out for the church hall that Saturday. I was looking forward to the children’s party and to meeting the other mothers. I knew most of them by sight and often stopped in the street for a few words with girls I had known at school, but I hadn’t really made friends with anyone in particular since my marriage.

  I thought it was probably because Billy had flashed his money about while he had it, and I knew that a lot of people had questioned where that money came from. One or two of the women I knew had hinted that he was doing something slightly shady, but no one had come right out and said it to my face – not until later that afternoon at the church hall.

  I spent the first few minutes chatting to Bridget and Maggie, who were helping to organize the party games. Once the children were settled, Mickey as noisy and boisterous as usual as he joined in the games, doing his best to win everything, and Sarah was sitting quietly in her chair sucking a lollipop Bridget had given her, I became conscious of whispering behind me.

  ‘She’ll be in for a rude awakenin’ one of these times.’

  ‘Serves ’er bleedin’ right! She always were a toffy-nosed bitch – and no better than her whore of a mother. They said ’er kid was born early, but I reckon she’d been ’avin’ it orf with some other feller afore she married ’im.’

  I turned to look at the two women who were so obviously discussing me. One of them was someone I had often passed in the lane called Susie Bricker and the other was unknown to me. The second woman leered at me triumphantly as though she knew I’d heard and was pleased. She had wanted to upset me.

  ‘Yeah, we’re talkin’ about you,’ she jeered. ‘And that bleedin’ thief what yer married.’

  ‘Billy isn’t a thief. He earned his money honestly, working – doing two jobs.’