A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘It must have been an accident. Billy didn’t kill him on purpose. He isn’t a murderer.’

  ‘It happened in the heat of the moment,’ Joe said. ‘It wasn’t premeditated, but it’s still murder, Kathy. Even if Billy had a good lawyer, he would go to prison for the rest of his life.’

  ‘He would rather die … it would be better if he never came round at all … better for everyone.’

  ‘You selfish little bitch!’ I was startled as Maggie yelled at me and I turned to see her standing just behind us. ‘It would suit you if my Billy died, wouldn’t it? You could go swanning off with your lover then and forget all about him.’

  ‘Maggie, don’t,’ I whispered my throat tight with emotion as the tears stung my eyes. Maggie had always been my friend. I didn’t want to quarrel with her at a time like this. ‘Please?’

  ‘I’ll say what I like, you little tart!’ She lunged at me and slapped my face as hard as she could. ‘You’ve never cared about him, never! You should be ashamed of yourself wishing him dead.’

  I put a hand to my face, staring at her but making no move to strike back. ‘I’m sorry, Maggie. Please don’t hate me … don’t say these things to me. I didn’t mean it that way.’

  ‘I’ll say what I like.’

  She was interrupted as the police sergeant came up to us.

  ‘Excuse me, Mrs Ryan, but I’ve been told Mr Ryan is conscious. He asked for you.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘He doesn’t know she was going to leave him,’ Maggie said bitterly. ‘I’m his mother. I’ll see him.’

  ‘Only Mr Ryan’s wife for the moment,’ the sergeant said. ‘We want to interview him if he’s able to speak – but only one visitor is permitted at a time. You might be able to see him later, if you wait.’

  Maggie glared at me but Joe restrained her from following us. He put his hand on her arm and I could hear them arguing as I went off with the police officer.

  ‘I’m sorry I can’t allow you to be alone with him, ma’am,’ the sergeant said. ‘But we have to hear what he has to say – it’s evidence.’

  ‘Yes, of course, I understand,’ I said. ‘Billy isn’t a murderer. He has a bad temper, but he didn’t mean to kill your officer. I know him. I know he wouldn’t murder anyone on purpose.’

  Yet I also knew that he had a terrible temper when roused, and he had been in a foul mood when he left the house.

  The sergeant looked at me pityingly. ‘I dare say not, Mrs Ryan, and if witnesses can be brought to testify to his usual good character in court, it may help his case.’

  From his manner I could tell that he didn’t really believe anything would help Billy, but he was trying to be kind. He’d seen the bruises on my face and felt sorry for me.

  There was no time for more as we entered the small room where Billy was being treated. He had been kept away from the main wards because he was a prisoner, and the police didn’t want to risk anyone getting near him. They had stationed a man outside his door, and another was sitting inside. It seemed a lot of security for a man who was badly injured and had never previously been involved in anything violent like this and I felt that Billy had been condemned without a trial.

  ‘Has he said anything more?’ asked the sergeant.

  ‘Just asked for his wife, sir.’

  I went to the bed. Billy was lying with his eyes closed, his hand on top of the cover. His head was swathed in thick bandages, and it looked as if blood had seeped into them. I reached out and took his hand in my own, my heart contracting with pain as I saw the bruises to his face. He had been hit several times, and I felt for him, whatever he had done.

  ‘Billy,’ I said softly. ‘It’s Kathy. I’m here.’

  His eyelids flickered and then he opened his eyes and looked at me. It seemed to take him a moment or two to focus, but then he made a movement with his fingers, as if he had recognized me.

  ‘Kathy.’ His voice was a husky croak. ‘Kathy love, is it you?’

  ‘Yes, it’s me, Billy. I came when they told me. What happened? Why were you there? Why did you do it?’

  ‘I ‘ad to,’ he said, moistening his lips with his tongue as if he was thirsty. ‘It were to pay me debt to …Water, can I ’ave some water?’

  ‘Yes, Billy.’ I saw a jug of water on the cabinet beside the bed and poured some into a glass, then held it to his lips, my arm supporting his head because he was unable to sit up. He sipped once, then fell back against the pillows as though the effort was too much. ‘Are you saying you were forced to do this robbery by someone? Was it those men who threatened you before?’

  ‘Yeah. They were ‘is men, Kathy. He sent me a message, told me it were the only way to wipe the slate clean.’

  ‘Was it Maitland?’ The police sergeant stepped forward. He had been behind me and Billy had not seen him until he spoke. I saw the immediate flash of fear in his eyes. ‘If you tell us what we want to know about Maitland it will help you, Ryan. If your information helps to put him away for a long time, we might even see our way clear to easing the charge against you to manslaughter.’

  ‘It were self-defence. That copper come at me swinging a truncheon.’ Billy clutched at my hand. ‘I never meant to kill ’im, Kathy. You got ter believe me.’

  ‘I believe you, Billy. We’ll get a lawyer and plead self-defence.’

  ‘Nah, no lawyer.’ Billy’s eyes closed. ‘No money fer lawyers. I’ve ’ad it, Kathy. Think of yerself and the kids now. I’m finished.’

  ‘I’ll help you all I can, Billy.’

  ‘Leave me,’ he muttered. ‘Go ter Tom, he’ll look after yer. I’m sorry I were a bad ’usband ter yer, Kathy. Sorry I ’urt yer, lass. I loved yer but yer made me so mad.’

  ‘You tried some of the time, Billy. We were happy for a while.’ My throat was tight with emotion, tears trickling down my cheeks.

  ‘Tell us about Maitland.’

  Billy’s eyes flicked to the police officer, who had come closer to the bed, and then back to me. His hand gave mine a warning squeeze as his eyes seemed to convey a message.

  ‘I were a fool. Good job I never told you nothin’, Kathy. Best you don’t know … best you don’t …’ He gave a cry as if in sudden pain, then there was a rattling sound in his throat and his eyes rolled wildly as he gasped for breath, his chest heaving. His hand clutched at me desperately and he seemed as if he was trying to say something, then a trickle of blood ran from the corner of his mouth and I saw death in his eyes.

  ‘Nurse!’ The police sergeant was at the door, calling urgently. ‘Nurse, come quickly!’

  Billy’s hand slipped from mine and then his eyes closed, his body jerking horribly for a few seconds before he lay still. I stared at him, my chest painfully tight and finding it hard to breathe, as a nurse entered and came rushing up to the bed. She bent over him as I backed away, tears sliding down my cheeks.

  ‘He’s gone,’ she said looking at the police officer. ‘I’m sorry. The doctors thought he might not recover consciousness at all.’

  ‘Billy?’ I choked. ‘Oh, Billy …’

  ‘Your husband said you didn’t know anything about his unlawful activities, Mrs Ryan. Is that true?’

  I turned to the officer. ‘I had no idea what he was doing this evening. I thought he was at work as a nightwatchman. He told me very little.’

  ‘Nothing about a Mr Maitland?’

  I remembered all Billy’s warnings about keeping my mouth shut, and I shook my head. There was no point in telling what little I knew and risking retaliation from Mr Maitland’s bullyboys.

  ‘No, I’m sorry. I wish I could help you, but Billy was very secretive about his work. He never told me anything.’

  ‘Very well. Please don’t think of going anywhere for the moment, Mrs Ryan. We may want to question you again – and we may want to search the house.’

  ‘For what?’ I stared at him in dismay.

  ‘For stolen property. Mr Ryan was carrying a valuable ring when he was brought in here
last night.’

  ‘That belongs to me. Eleanor Ross left it to me in a will. We were training as nurses together and she was killed in France.’

  ‘Can you prove that?’

  ‘You could ask Miss Maitland – Miss Mary Maitland. Or check it with the solicitors.’

  ‘You have a solicitor’s letter telling you about the inheritance?’

  ‘No.’ I bit my lip. ‘Miss Maitland brought it to me. I can’t prove anything.’

  ‘There are records for this kind of thing. If it was in a will, it can be checked,’ the sergeant said. ‘If it is yours you will get it back one day.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter much,’ I said. ‘It was only a ring, but he didn’t steal it.’

  ‘I’ll look into the matter,’ he promised. ‘If the ring is yours I’ll make sure it is returned to you.’

  ‘Thank you. What happens now – to Billy? Can we … can we take him home? Maggie is waiting.’

  ‘Your husband’s mother might like to come in now,’ he said. ‘And I see no reason why you shouldn’t make arrangements to go ahead with the funeral in a few days – when we’ve finished our inquiries.’

  I nodded, turning blindly away as the tears streamed down my cheeks. Whatever Billy was, whatever he had done, he had been my husband and there had been times when we were close. I grieved for him and for what had happened to him.

  ‘It’s too late for tears now,’ Maggie said when she came in a moment or so later. ‘You can weep all you like, Kathy, but I know the truth. It’s your fault my boy’s lyin’ here dead. Your fault.’

  ‘That’s not fair, Maggie. I never wanted him to rob people.’

  ‘It was because of you,’ she said, her face cold and hard. ‘You made him feel inadequate and that’s why he had to get more money, so that you would look up to him. He told me once he was afraid you would leave him if he didn’t get things for you.’

  ‘That isn’t true, Maggie. You know it isn’t. I didn’t ask him for anything. It was his pride. His pride made him do it.’

  ‘I know you were leavin’ him,’ she said. ‘And I know you were carrying another man’s bastard when you married him – that’s enough for me. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner you clear off out of the lanes the better.’

  ‘I shan’t be goin’ until after Billy’s funeral.’

  She raised her head and spat in my face.

  ‘You’re scum, Kathy Cole, that’s what you are, just like your mother. I’ll tell you now. I’m takin’ my boy home and you won’t be welcome at his funeral. I never want to see or speak to you again as long as I live.’

  ‘Maggie …?’ I walked out of the room, the tears running down my cheeks. How could she do this to me? ‘Please don’t hate me, please don’t be like this.’

  She turned her back on me, going to the bed to stare down at the body of her dead son. I knew she would not relent, and I left her to mourn alone.

  Joe Robinson was waiting outside the door. He came to me at once, putting a friendly arm about my shoulders.

  ‘Come away, Kathy. I’ll take you home. Maggie is upset. She doesn’t mean a half of what she says.’

  I accepted the large white handkerchief he offered and wiped my eyes.

  ‘Oh yes,’ I said. ‘She means what she says all right. She means every word …’

  Eleven

  Joe took me back to his house in his car. He said that he and Bridget wouldn’t dream of letting me stay at my own home alone that night after what I’d been through.

  ‘You can sleep at ours tonight, Kathy. Bridget will already have put the children to bed and you won’t want to disturb them. Time enough to think about what you want to do tomorrow.’

  I was feeling too numbed, too dazed to argue. Everything had happened so fast that I was still reeling from the shock. After Billy’s threats and the way he’d hit me I had felt justified in leaving him, but seeing him in hospital like that – seeing him die – had affected me so powerfully that once again I was plagued with guilt.

  Was Maggie right? Was it my fault that Billy had gone wrong? There was no way I could ever be certain, and it was too late to change things, but her harsh words played on my mind. The waste and the pity of it made my heart ache, and I grieved for the man who had been my husband and Sarah’s father.

  I slept very little that night, and I was up early in the morning. The police sergeant had warned me not to go away, and I had been told my house would be searched, so I decided to return there as soon as the children had had their breakfast. Mickey asked me if we were going on holiday and I told him I would take him soon.

  ‘Joe told me the police are coming to search the house this morning,’ Bridget said when I went downstairs. ‘Would you like me to keep the children until they’ve been? We could take them out for a ride in the car?’

  ‘Thank you, they would like that,’ I said. ‘It will be a treat for them.’

  Mickey was a bit doubtful about going without me, but I reassured him, telling him I had work to do. ‘Bridget will look after you and I’ll see you at teatime, darling.’

  I didn’t have long to wait for the police visit. Four of them came, looking very officious and determined. Their attitude made me feel as if I had done something wrong myself. They were very suspicious when they found the bags I’d packed, and got excited when they saw the bulky sacks, but when they opened them and discovered they contained only children’s clothes and toys, they were duly embarrassed.

  The search they made of the house was thorough, but they couldn’t find anything of real value, and after two hours they apologized for disturbing me and went away. It took me another hour to straighten up, and I was just about to make a cup of tea and sit down, when someone started banging at my front door. Before I could open it, it was thrust wide and Ernie Cole staggered in, an evil leer on his face. He was dressed in filthy clothes, his beard unshaven for several days.

  ‘I ’eard what ’appened to yer ’usband,’ he muttered. ‘I come ter tell yer that it ain’t the finish of yer doin’ fer me, Kathy. I can still make things unpleasant fer yer if yer break yer word.’

  ‘I don’t care what you do or say,’ I said anger flaring out of me. How dare he barge into my house like this? The stink of strong drink on his breath was disgusting and I felt glad that he was not my father. ‘This is all your fault. None of it would have happened if you hadn’t told me those foul lies.’

  ‘What lies?’ His eyes narrowed in a crafty leer. ‘Yer don’t know the truth and that’s a fact. Yer mother told me it were Jamie O’Rourke and she’s dead so she can’t say no different.’

  ‘How do you know she’s dead?’ I stared at him. ‘You can’t know that unless you killed her!’

  He looked startled for a moment, then growled low in his throat, ‘I never touched ’er. She cleared orf and left me. Stands ter reason she’s dead years ago. She were a whore and ’er sort don’t last long. ’Sides, she’d ’ave come crawlin’ back long ago if she weren’t dead.’

  ‘Go away!’ I cried as he advanced towards me, a menacing look in his eyes. ‘I don’t want to see or speak to you again, and you can rot in your own filth for all I care. I shall be going away from the lanes soon anyway.’

  ‘Yer a bitch and a whore,’ he muttered and grabbed hold of my upper arm, his fingers digging into the soft flesh. A shudder ran through me as he thrust his face close to mine and I saw a certain look in his eyes. ‘I’ve always fancied yer.’

  ‘No!’ I was not going to let this horrible man force his will on me, either physically or mentally. I’d had enough of being bullied and intimidated by men who thought they could use violence to get their own way. I wrenched away from him, whirling round to pick up a steel poker from the parlour fireplace and then I turned to confront him. ‘You come one step nearer Ernie Cole and I’ll hit you with this. I mean it! I’m not afraid of you and I shan’t put up with your bullying. I was a fool to listen to you in the first place. Bridget says Jamie was courting at the time my mother must
have conceived me and she doesn’t believe he is my father.’

  Ernie hawked and spat on the floor, his eyes glittering. ‘That Bridget Robinson knows too much fer ’er own good. She wants ter shut ’er mouth or someone might shut it fer ’er.’

  ‘You wouldn’t dare say that if Joe Robinson was around.’ I raised my poker again as he hesitated. ‘I’m warning you – come any nearer and I’ll hit you.’

  ‘Yer were alus a cold ’earted bitch. But that don’t change nothin’. If yer know what’s good fer yer, you’ll come and clean my place and get me some supper – or everyone will know what yer precious Tom O’Rourke’s been up ter.’

  ‘Get out!’

  I yelled so loudly and so fiercely that he was startled and went without another word. I was shaking and I felt sick as I sat down, still clutching my poker. He meant what he said. Unless I carried on cleaning and cooking for him, he would spread his lies about Tom and me – and they had to be lies. I was almost sure in my own mind now that he had taken advantage of my uncertainty at the time to fill my mind with his filth.

  They had to be lies, because I loved Tom so much. I dropped my poker on the floor, bent my head and let the tears I had been holding inside flow.

  It was all so hopeless. I was trapped now just as I had been when I married Billy. Tom said he would look after me, but unless he could find proof that Jamie was not my father, there was no way we could live together as man and wife. Even if we tried to be simply friends the rumours would follow us, destroying us both in time.

  I couldn’t do that to Tom. I couldn’t ruin his life, his career – as rumours of that kind surely would. It would be far better if I took the children and went away somewhere alone.

  Bridget looked at me anxiously when she brought the children home that evening. Sarah was sleepy after her day out, but Mickey was full of all the exciting things he’d been doing with his uncle Joe.

  ‘Went for a ride on a train,’ he told me. ‘Uncle Joe said I can be an engine driver when I grow up if I want. We had ice creams and sticky buns at the teashop, and we went to the zoo to see the animals. It was lovely, Mamma. Can we go there again another day, please?’