Going Nowhere

by K. M. Galvin

  “Why?”

  “What the hell do you mean why? Why would I want to know when my boyfriend was leaving for the summer? Come on, Bartender, don’t jerk me around!” I practically snarled this at him, feeling myself going from pissed to full on Irish-Puerto Rican rage monster in the span of seconds.

  “Ok, fine, you’re right. I kept meaning to tell you, but I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to ruin things.”

  “Spit it out, Jase.” I said through clenched teeth, repeating his words.

  “I’m leaving in two days.” He said quietly. I sagged into my seat, stunned. I was frozen, staring at him unblinkingly. What. The. Hell?

  “Are you kidding me?” I whispered. He glanced over at me every few seconds, worry written plainly on his face. Good, he should be worried. I was going to kick his ass. I knew it, I freaking knew it!

  “I’m so sorry, baby. I wanted to tell you, I did, but I didn’t want to freak you out so early. We’re so new and I didn’t want you to get skittish and run.”

  “Thanks. Good to know you have faith in me. This is such bullshit. When were you going to tell me? The morning you were leaving? Quick text on your way to the airport?” I spat.

  “I was going to tell you tonight.”

  “Sure you were.” I rolled my eyes. “I could kick your ass, Jason Scott. Seriously kick your ass. Did you not learn anything the first time you kept something from me? Fuck, Jason!” I slapped my hand on the dash. “I have been so goddamn honest with you! The only one sabotaging this fucking relationship is you! Jesus! Pull over.”

  “What? Why?” He asked confused.

  “Because I need to get away from you before I punch you in your stupid attractive face and we crash. Pull the friggin car over!” I yelled.

  He gave a small nod and pulled over on the side of the highway. I was out of the car before he even came to a stop. Slamming the car door I started to pace, my mind whirling. Stupid jerk. Goddammit! I kicked the shit out of his tire and then let out a yelp of pain, plopping my ass on the ground and grabbing my poor foot.

  “Stop it before you really hurt yourself.” Jason growled at me, squatting down next to me. “Can you not understand why I would be a little hesitant to tell you?” He grabbed my chin in his hand, I tried to jerk away from him, but he had a strong grip on me. “Two reasons, baby. One, last time I left horrible shit went down. I can’t get it out of my head that while I’m gone something is going to happen to you. Or Em. Or Mikey. Fuck! I know it’s irrational, but it’s in the back of my mind constantly.” He sat down; pulling me so close to him I was basically sitting in his lap. He nuzzled me, but I sat there rigidly.

  “I get that, Jase. Still not good enough a reason to keep this from me.”

  “I know.” He exhaled the words.

  “What’s the second reason?” I asked stoically.

  “You’re not going to like this part.” He warned me, his grip tightening on me.

  “News flash, I haven’t like any of this.” I said snottily. His grip tightened again, almost painfully, like he was trying to absorb me into him. His laid his head on mine and I could feel myself starting to soften towards him and then he opened his mouth.

  “You’ve been so skittish about us, I was afraid that this would be the excuse you would need to quit us. I was afraid you wouldn’t trust me with what goes along with the tour. This past week has been amazing, one of the best of my life. You’ve become my best friend and I’m not sure how I would handle it if you left.” He sounded so small when he admitted this.

  It was a little astonishing to hear him confess his insecurity considering how confident he was all the time. I took a deep breath and tried to think rationally about this. I was quiet for a long moment, collecting my thoughts instead of just reacting.

  “You don’t trust me.” I said sadly.

  “That’s not it!” He denied vehemently.

  “But it is it, Jason. It’s exactly it. I’ve told you stuff I have never shared with anyone. I have been open and honest with you from the start. Yes, I was hesitant to start something with you, but not for the reasons you obviously think. I was afraid because I have never done this before. Never shared myself with someone. Added to that, I was really vulnerable when I met you. You met me at my lowest point, when I had nothing to offer, when I felt like no one could love me because I didn’t love myself. But you know what changed my mind? You saw me, through all of the bullshit; you saw me and didn’t turn away. I’m getting to a point where I don’t hate myself. But I am trying here, really trying, but this won’t end because of me. I can’t do this alone. You have to meet me half way.”

  “I know. I’m sorry, so sorry. I won’t keep anything from you ever again. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”

  “I don’t see myself at all. I’m working on it though. Just-just promise you won’t hold yourself back from me. I can’t be the only one sharing a hundred percent of myself. It’s not fair.”

  “I promise, Marisol, that you are not alone in this. I’m a jackass.” I turned in his arms so I straddled his lap. I gave him a kiss on the mouth, lingering for a moment.

  “Yeah, you are. Don’t fuck up, Jase.” I stared into his eyes for a moment and saw the resolve in his eyes. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.”

  “That’s it?” He asked skeptically, standing up with me and opening the passenger side door.

  “What do you mean?” I asked when he got into the truck.

  “You’re not going to be pissed for days? Yell at me, punch me, make me buy you stuff?” He asked warily. I smirked at him.

  “I can do all those things if you want, but considering we don’t have a lot of time left before you leave, I’d rather not waste it.”

  “I don’t deserve you.” He smiled, shaking his head. “I have the best girlfriend in the world!” He yelled out the window to oncoming traffic. Someone honked at him and I shook my head at his antics.

  “Better remember that next time I piss you off or you’re about to do something that will piss me off.” I smiled.

  “Baby, I’ll never forget it. You’re terrifying when you’re angry.” He grinned at me. “It was hot as hell.” I rolled my eyes at the typical guy response.

  “Hey! Take this next exit.” I said, seeing the glorious billboard beckoning me in the distance. My mouth could practically taste my favorite coffee already.

  “What? Why?” He asked, but already putting on his signal to get off the exit.

  “I’m taking you up on the whole buying me stuff out of guilt. We’re going to start with a coffee.” My voice full of perverse glee. I bounced in my seat in anticipation.

  “I don’t know if you should have any more caffeine.” He said eyeing me.

  “Quiet you!” I clapped when he got off the exit. I seriously loved coffee. If I could get an IV full of coffee I would.

  “How many cups did you have today?” He glanced at me, raising a brow at my antics.

  “Not enough. Now get me my coffee.” I grabbed the iPod and switched on “Lola” by the Kinks while Jason placed our order in the drive-thru.

  This song was in my top ten favorite songs of all time and it was a great sing-along. Perfect. I started belting it out, not caring that the cashier was staring at me like I had two heads. Jason started to laugh at me as we pulled away from the window.

  “You’re a nut job.” He said, shaking his head.

  “You love it.” I winked. Then gasped in outrage when he grabbed my iced coffee and sucked down about half of it.

  “Mmm, yeah I do love it.” He smiled at the coffee. I reached over and grabbed it out of his hand. It was practically gone. Huffing I took a sip.

  “You have a death wish today.” I sniffed in mock indignation.

  “Sharing is caring.” He said before starting to hum along with the song.

  “Pain in the ass.” I yelled.

  “Ungrateful wench.” He yelled louder.

  “Sappy man-boy.” He glared over at me for that on
e. I blinked back innocently.

  “Lunatic.”

  “Butt hole.”

  “Favorite girlfriend.”

  I smirked over at him, “Only girlfriend.”

  “Only girlfriend.” He agreed, nodding.

  I was quiet for a moment. The reality of him being gone in two days, of not having this easy camaraderie with him daily made my chest ache. I looked over at him, studying his profile. He was letting a bit of scruff grow out, saying the ladies love it. Yeah, he got a smack on the ass for that one. Had to agree though; it just made him look even more like a classic bad boy rocker. I sighed. “What’re you thinking over there, Crazy?” He asked, hearing me sighing.

  “I’m going to miss you.” I said quietly, still staring at him. He looked over with a frown. Reaching for my hand, he brought it to his lips for a quick kiss before settling them both onto his lap.

  “I’m going to miss you too, baby.” He said, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles in an effort to comfort me.

  “You know nothing is going to happen while you’re gone right?” I said, referring to what he had said earlier. I saw the muscles in his jaw jump and I almost wanted to stop this topic of conversation, but I didn’t want him leaving with this on his mind.

  “You can’t promise that.” He said, his hand tightening on mine.

  “Well, no, I suppose I can’t. But I don’t want you holding yourself back because something might happen, you know? You need to do this and you need to be one hundred percent there, not worrying about all the what-ifs back here.”

  “You’re not about to say YOLO are you?” He teased.

  “Come on, Jase, I’m serious.” I pleaded, not rising to his bait.

  “Fine. I know this. Logically, I know this. But I can’t stop thinking about it.”

  “Well I’ll be blowing up your phone with Mikey antics and all other boring stuff all day long so don’t worry. It’ll be like you never left.” I forced a smile, trying to make light of this.

  “You better. Not sure what I’m going to do going from a hundred percent Mari to 0 percent. I’m going to be walking blue balls.” He lamented.

  “Nice.” I scoffed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  I sat up a little straighter when Jase honked his horn to let them know we were here and I grabbed my bag. We were bunking in Declan’s room while he grabbed the couch. It was going to be a full house and I was going to be severely outnumbered by dick. I was barely out of the car before Blake and Trent engulfed me in hugs.

  “Ew, holy crap, what have you guys been doing? You reek!” I pulled back from the sandwich hug, wrinkling my nose.

  “We’ve been packing shit up, Mars.” Trent said, rocking back on his heels before lifting his arm to sniff himself. Gross boys.

  “What’s wrong, Mars? Forgot what a real man smelled like while you’ve been hooking up with Mr. Sensitive?” Blake smirked. Before I could respond he grabbed me in a headlock and put my face with in his armpit. I screeched and began wriggling.

  “Gross, Blake! Get the hell off me, you asshole!” I squealed.

  “Blake get off my girl before I call Lindsey and tell her you’re talking shit about her mom again.” Jason called out.

  “No need, Jase. Idiot, let the poor girl go and go shower, for Gods sake. You smell like a monkey’s ass.” Lindsey said, smacking Blake’s arm. He finally released me and I inhaled a deep breath of clean, fresh, non-sweaty air. Glorious. “I’m sorry my boyfriend is a Neanderthal. He’s just recently stopped dragging his knuckles on the ground.” Lindsey opened her massive bag that was hanging off her shoulder and reached in and pulled out a Wet One and handed it to me.

  I took it gratefully and wiped my face. Why she had these in her purse, I don’t know, but I was damn happy she did.

  “They’re idiots.” I agreed, heading into the house behind her. Jase had already disappeared somewhere and I still haven’t seen Declan. “Where the heck did they disappear to?”

  “Probably out back starting up the grill. They decided just to keep it close friends and family instead of a blow out which I am so thankful for.” She sighed and sat down on the couch, patting the seat next to her. “Come sit and talk to me for a sec, Marisol.”

  Feeling a little apprehensive, I sat down next to her. “What’s up?” I asked.

  “How are you handling this?” She asked, waving her hand around, I’m assuming she meant the band and Jase leaving. I leaned back, crossing my arms over my chest wondering how much I should actually divulge. She was the only one who probably got what I was going through so I bit the bullet and shared my fears with her.

  “To be honest, I’m nervous about it. But I don’t want to hold Jason back. I want him to succeed. Added to that, our relationship is so damn new, how is it going to survive this distance and time apart? This is my first real relationship, I just don’t know how to navigate.” I threw up my hands in frustration.

  “Look I won’t lie to you. This is going to suck. He will be gone and you’re going to have to go day to day not knowing if he’ll be able to talk to you or what he’s doing. I know how close you and Jase are, even before you started dating. He talked about you all the time. I can see how much he likes you.”

  “What are you trying to say, Lindsey?” I ask impatiently. Sensing that she was beating around the bush.

  “Ok, fine, I’ll give it to you straight. I’m not sure you can handle it. He has a reputation and I’m not saying that he would do anything, but I don’t want you doubting him. This is his big chance and the first time he’s done something like this since his parents passed. I want to make sure that he has people surrounding him that care about him. I don’t want you to screw this up for any of them.” She said bluntly, staring me straight in the eye. I wanted to reach over and cut a bitch, but I took a deep breath and counted to ten. Before I could open my mouth, I was cut off by Declan entering the room.

  “That’s out of line, Linds.” He began, but stopped when I held up a hand. I gave him a quick smile to let him know I appreciate his support. I turned to her and narrowed my eyes.

  “First of all, I would like to say that I’m glad Jase has people in his life that love him. That being said, you need to respect our relationship. Not that it’s your business, but Jase and I have already discussed this and we will work it out. If you really want to be supportive of Jase you’d support his relationship as well. I care about him. A lot. So I ask that you respect that and keep your opinions to yourself.” I was pissed beyond belief, but I understood where she was coming from. I also didn’t want to fight with one of his friends, but I had to be clear. I maintained eye contact with her until she nodded.

  “I can respect that.” She said finally, standing up. Yeah, bitch like you have a choice.

  “Good.” I said shortly. Watching as she turned and headed out to the backyard. I looked over at Declan. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize, Mari. That was way out of line. I get where she’s coming from, but she went about it all-wrong.” He said, taking a seat next to me.

  “Thanks.” I said quietly, staring at my hands. I was already worried about him leaving and Lindsey just made it worse.

  “How you holding up, kiddo?” He asked me softly. The compassion in his voice brought tears to my eyes. I blinked them away before looking over at him.

  “I don’t want to hold him back, but I don’t want to be left behind. Is it crazy how quickly I’ve come to care for him, Dec?” I hated how much my voice wavered. He threw his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to his side.

  “He cares about you a lot, Marisol. He called me the day he met you and he was knocked off his shit.” He mused.

  “Are you kidding? I was a disaster!” I scoffed, thinking about that day.

  “Mari, I think he knew you were it from the second your crazy ass sat down at the bar.”

  I sucked in a breath, my heart pounded. “What are you saying?”

  He opened his mouth to answer, but at that moment Jason
called my name and I could hear him getting close. Dammit! I turned to see him walk in the room an all I could hear was that he thought I was “it” echoing around in my head.

  He was smiling when he came in the room but it quickly dropped into a scowl at seeing how close Declan and I were sitting. Jase frowned at Declan until he removed his arm and put some space between us. I rolled my eyes and got up to walk over to him. I grabbed his shirt and yanked him down for a quick kiss.

  “Mmm, what was that for?” He murmured against my lips. I pulled back and patted his chest, aware that Declan was still behind us.

  “Just because.” I said cheerily, refusing to be a Debbie Downer tonight.

  Declan threw his arms around both of us and pushed us towards the backyard. “Come on, guys, let’s go celebrate.” He smiled and winked when he caught my eye. I widened my eyes at him, letting him know this conversation was not over. He gave a tiny nod and smirked.

  Before I knew it Jason was leaving. The rest of the night at the guy’s house went perfectly. I stayed away from Lindsey and hung close to Declan and Jason. The next morning I got teary eyed saying goodbye to the guys. I had only known them a short amount of time, but they had become my friends. Especially, Declan. I felt like he was my ally against Scott and Co. So here I was, crying, driving Jason to the airport. I swear the water works seemed to be continuous since I met him.

  Maybe I was just closed off from my feelings for so long so now that I was allowing them through they were too intense. I didn’t know. What I did know was that this was going to hurt a lot. He seemed to be just as upset so I didn’t feel like a clingy loser.

  I blew out a shaky breath and sucked back the tears. He didn’t need to see me like this; it was selfish. We haven’t spoken once the whole ride; I don’t think either of us could find words big enough. I parked and wiggled my fingers a little, prompting him to look over at me and then down out our hands.