Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel

by Jennifer Miller

  I’ve tried other kinds of highs before – various chemicals to help me reach the peak I crave, but it wasn’t for me - too hardcore, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. With sex, there’s power. I can control or demand, give or take, as much or as little as I want.

  Gripping the edge of the sink in my hands, I grit my teeth and fight the urge. Fight the desire to give in and go out. Like a savior, Ryder’s face flashes before my eyes. I see him across the bar for the first time, I see him bloody and needing stitched up. I see his eyes in my mind. How they shine in delight when he laughs and crinkle in the corners. I see his smirk when he’s amused at himself or me and I see the sincerity in them when he told me he wants to get to know me. I also see the possessiveness when he said there would be no sharing. Part of me thinks he would be better off if I would just end this. Getting close to me, is dangerous. There is no way that this is going to end well, no way at all. Pretending it will isn’t right. It’s not fair to him. He deserves much better than me.

  But then – in the recesses of my memory, I hear him tenderly telling me again that we both have pasts. But that they don’t matter. That we both want more. And I do. I don’t want to let my past win. I don’t want to let it in. I refuse to. I’m stronger than that. Better than that. With each thought, my grip eases and my feelings of inadequacy fade. Breathing is easier now and when my phone rings again, this time seeing Ryder’s name on the screen, I’m able to smile once more as I pick up the phone and ask him to come over.

  ***

  When I open the door and find him standing there, we both pause. It’s like we want to take a moment to soak up the sheer joy of just seeing each other before we interrupt the feeling with words. Simply clad in jeans and a black t-shirt, I’m practically drooling at the sight. He could wear ugly checkered parachute pants from the 1980s and still turn heads. My eyes travel down his tatted arms, across his chest and down his stomach. Damn he’s fine.

  He opens his mouth to probably say hello, but before he utters a sound, I put my mouth on his. Somehow, I always seem to surprise him with my kisses. He’s unmovable initially, but once he recovers, he wraps his arms around me and meets each demand of my mouth with his own. Gripping the front of his shirt in my hands, I pull him across the threshold, close the door behind him with a kick of my foot and then push him up against it while putting my mouth right back where I want it.

  Pulling away from me, his eyes are wide, breaths coming fast, “Well hello to you too.”

  I can’t stop staring at his mouth. The suppressed needs from earlier have manifested again with one look at this man. All I can think about is how I want both of us to get naked. Now.

  “Tessa?”

  When my eyes meet his, I’m not sure what he sees in mine. Desire for sure, but I swear he sees something deeper. Sees that I’m struggling, that I need him to calm something within me, that I need to connect and the only way I know how is to take what I want. Whatever it is he sees, it makes him nod once. “Bedroom?” he asks gruffly.

  Without a word, I turn and walk down the hall, him on my heels. He closes the door behind us and turns me to face him. Before he says a word, his eyes travel my room before resting on my large poster bed. His eyes find mine again, his thumb brushing my cheek. He kisses me, just a brush of his lips on my own, before he pulls away. I want more. “Tell me.”

  “What?” I ask, not sure what he’s saying.

  “Tell me what you want.”

  I try to pull away from him, but he holds me fast, not willing to let me go. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Yes. You do.” He touches his forehead to mine and sighs deeply, “Tessa, you can’t hide from me, not with this, I’ve worn this same look. Now tell me… what do you need?”

  Looking into his eyes I search for judgment, but I find none. All I see before me is a man who understands how I’m feeling because he’s been there himself. At that moment, there’s no other option but honesty. “Something to hold onto, something to hold onto me. I need to lose myself in…in connection. I want to be seen, heard, felt, and wanted.”

  He nods and then his eyes travel over my body. I’m wearing jeans and a loose tunic - my feet are bare. “Let’s start with removing your clothes,” he says and I’m shocked immobile.

  “But, you haven’t wanted to-”

  He puts his finger on my lips, reminding me of when I did the same thing to him and the action makes me smile. “We aren’t going to have sex,” he says and I feel my body sag in disappointment but more than that, embarrassment. I told him what I need like he asked. I opened myself up to him and he’s refusing me. I feel ashamed and tricked.

  “Stop it,” he says sharply.

  “What?”

  “Stop that line of thought right now. I can see it all over your face. We’re not going to have sex, no. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to take care of you. That doesn’t mean that your needs, or what you told me, is wrong.”

  “Ryder, I feel silly.”

  “Don’t. I will always provide for you whatever you need. A laugh, advice, a shoulder, a taco-” I giggle at that and he smiles. “Never feel silly for telling me what you want.”

  His mouth meets my own and he traces the bottom of my lip with his tongue. He sighs and I open for him. When his tongue touches my own, I let out a soft moan at the feeling. He’s kissing me sweetly and softly. His hands move to my plaid shirt and he begins unbuttoning it. As he undoes each button, the back of his fingers drag down the front of me inch by inch as he moves lower and lower. My breath catches in my throat at the sensation, and I break our kiss and drop my head back reveling in the feeling.

  His mouth finds my neck and kisses me gently, “I’m going to show you what it means to have someone give to you, and not just take from you.” His whispered words make goose bumps spread like a wild fire up my body from my toes to my scalp. I shiver and he laughs. “Do you like the sound of that?” I think I moan because I’m not capable of speech.

  Without further conversation he opens the snap of my jeans and unzips the zipper. Leaning down, he slides the jeans down my legs and I step out of them, leaving me standing in my white lace bra and matching panties. I lift my head and open my eyes to find him staring at my body. He takes his fingertips and traces circles around my areolas through the lace of my bra making my nipples stand on end. “Beautiful,” he murmurs.

  Lifting me up, he carries me to my bed and places me in the center. His body follows mine and it feels sexy and sinful having his fully clothed body against my almost bare one. He thrusts his hands into my hair and grasps handfuls. It’s pleasurable and stimulating at the same time. He kisses me hard and thorough. There’s no question about him also being turned on. When he places his body on mine I can feel his hardness against my thigh.

  He breaks the kiss and begins trailing kisses down my body. My collarbone, my chest, between my breasts. He looks up at me as he playfully bites my nipple through my bra making me laugh. My laugh cuts off abruptly when he pulls the lace aside and wraps his lips around my nipple and sucks. The feeling fires straight to my clit and I involuntarily pump my hips in need.

  Moving his hands to my back, he unclasps my bra and slides the straps down my shoulders before throwing it off the side of the bed. He returns his attention to my breasts, lavishing them both with his tongue. Nibbling on them with his teeth. Sucking and tasting them so thoroughly I swear I could orgasm from the feelings he’s invoking from that alone.

  “Ryder,” I whisper in need. “Feels so good.”

  He sighs deeply and his kisses begin moving down again. Anticipation makes heat pool between my legs. A kiss on my belly. A kiss on one hip, and then the other. My body begins to writhe on the bed, my body betraying exactly what I’d like to happen next. Stopping him with my hands, I sit up. Quickly, I grasp the bottom of his shirt and lift it over his head. Throwing it over the side of my bed, I smile. He looks hesitant at first, but as soon as my hands explore his chest, it goes out the window. He’s
all hard curves and edges and I can’t get enough of him. Tracing the design of his tattoos with my finger tips, I circle one of his nipples that’s pierced. “This is hot.” I tell him.

  “You like that?”

  “I do. But how can you have that as a fighter?”

  “I take it out during fights so it doesn’t get ripped off.”

  Lowering my head, I kiss his chest. I’m shocked when he pushes me back down on the bed and shakes his head, “No more of that.”

  Sticking my lower lip out in a pout, he’s quickly forgiven when he starts leaving kisses down my body again. When he reaches my lace covered core, I can feel the heat of his breath through my panties. Holding my breath in anticipation, I almost die when he traces a single finger tip down the seam of my sex. A slow moan escapes me and he laughs knowing exactly what he’s doing to me.

  He kisses the inside of my thighs and even kisses me softly through the lace. Just when I think I can’t take his teasing another moment, he wrenches my panties to the side so quickly that when his tongue tastes me for the first time, it’s startling. The feeling is glorious and I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven.

  My eyes roll back in my head and it’s all I can do to not fly off the edge so soon. He takes his time with me, and I fight the need to climax because I want to enjoy the pleasures he’s bringing me longer. I shouldn’t have worried; he takes his time.

  Licking, tasting, teasing, he does it all. My hands are gripping his head, and my moaning is out of control. Every single bit of concentration I have is between my legs right now. When I lift up to look down at him, his eyes meet mine and it’s so erotic, I explode in orgasm. Wave after wave of intense pleasure sweeps over me blessing me with the sweetest release.

  He lifts up and looks at me with a soft smile on his face. I sit up once more and grasp his face in my hands and place a small kiss on his lips. I’m turned on further when he deepens the kiss. Rising up to my knees, I straddle his lap, “Ryder. Please. Forget everything else. I want you.”

  A look of uncertainty crosses his features and the struggle on his face is plain. I can see he wants it too so it’s not as if I’m taking advantage of him - I silently tell myself. I can’t help it. Need pulses through me and I want nothing more than to have him inside of me. I want to feel us moving as one. Make him feel as good as he’s made me feel.

  As he stares into my eyes, my hands run down his chest until they find the front of his jeans. Rubbing the bulge I find there, I undo the snap, slide down the zipper and reach inside his pants. “Fuck,” he murmurs as I begin stroking him. His eyes close and he licks his lips, his breathing getting more and more shallow.

  “Please,” I beg with absolutely no shame.

  His eyes open and he stares deeply into my own. I stare at him and let him see everything. How much I want him. How this is about nothing other than the two of us, right here, right now, and the need and desire he makes me feel. He cups my face, his thumb brushing my cheek. He moves toward me, easing me back to the bed, the tip of him barely touching my entrance.

  He exhales slowly.

  I inhale in anticipation.

  Then suddenly, a screeching resounds through the room so loud it makes Ryder shoot off the bed like a shot. He grabs me and has me in the center of his arms in seconds. Wrapping his arms around me protectively, he looks around the room. “What the hell is that?”

  It takes us a full thirty seconds before we realize it’s the fire alarm. Ironic, and so damn reflective of my life. Well, at least the fireman is already in the house.

  “Hurry and get dressed,” I tell Tessa as I place her clothing in her hands. While she throws them on, I pull up and zip up my jeans and grab a bath towel she has thrown over a chair and roll it up quickly. When she’s decent, I go to the bedroom door and tap the doorknob.

  “What are you doing?” she asks.

  “Making sure it isn’t hot.” I say as I look at her and she actually rolls her eyes at me. “What? Better safe than sorry!” It isn’t hot, which means there’s no fire on the other side. I drop the towel.

  “Don’t you think we’d smell or see smoke or something?” she asks with a laugh.

  “Don’t mock me, firecracker. I won’t ever take risks where your safety is concerned. And who’s the professional fireperson here, anyway?”

  Yanking the door open, a horrible smell greets us immediately making us both make sounds of disgust. “What the hell is that?” Tessa asks. “It smells like burnt popcorn, but worse.”

  We walk down the hall hesitantly, then stop at the entrance to the kitchen, not really comprehending what we’re seeing. Tessa and I look at each other in disbelief at the view before us.

  Gina’s standing on a chair and in her hand is a large obviously burnt, smoldering pan, with thick black smoke rising from its core. More interesting, it’s being held up under the fire alarm. In her other hand, a cell phone is pressed to her ear and she’s talking loudly. My mind can barely take it in. And it’s not just what she’s doing, but what she’s dressed in while doing it. What the hell is going on?

  “What the hell are you doing?” Tessa asks taking the words right from my mind.

  Gina’s head swings toward us in surprise as she continues to say something into the phone. She gets off the chair and looks slightly embarrassed. “Oh, you guys are here?” she asks in wonder. I immediately go to her, take the pan from her hand, place it into the sink and run water over it. It smokes more at first, but at least it’s cooling off. It smells like shit.

  Turning to face her again, I am again struck by her appearance. She’s wearing a black silk nighty thing that has laces up the front. Her breasts are so close to popping out of the damn thing they alone should be a fire hazard. She’s wearing shoes with heels that have a poof thing on the toe and she’s wearing a hell of a lot of makeup that she doesn’t need.

  “I didn’t know you were here,” she repeats. “Wait a minute, were you in your bedroom? What were you two doing?” she asks in a girlish singsong manner with an excited edge. While hilarious, she’s also incredibly nosey and I don’t buy her playing dumb act. I mean, where else would we have been? She saw that we came down the hall. She’s trying to divert our attention.

  “Gina!” Tessa yells in disbelief, “What are you doing?”

  She looks at the pan now simmering in the sink. “Oh, that.”

  “Yes. That. Why are the fire alarms going off? And why were you standing on that chair?” Tessa yells over the sound. I walk over to the counter and grab a towel and start waving it just below the alarm hoping to lower the temperature and stifle the annoying sound.

  “Did you-? I mean, were you-?” Tessa can’t spit it out so I help her out.

  “You did this on purpose?” I ask her directly.

  “Well-” she answers dragging out the sound.

  “What the hell, Gina?” Tessa asks again completely confused by her friend’s actions. Now that we know the apartment isn’t actually on fire, we’re torn between disbelief and amusement. I can see Tessa trying not to laugh when Gina avoids looking at her directly.

  As sirens sound outside, I turn to Gina, in surprise. “Did you call nine-one-one? For something you did on purpose?” I ask, feeling a bit of relief as the alarms finally quit blaring.

  “Not exactly,” she says and races to her purse on the counter. She pulls something out and Tessa stares at her incredulously. “Are you putting on more lip gloss?”

  “Well duh.”

  “Oh my god,” Tessa says. “You called the fire department.”

  Gina shrugs as if this makes all the sense in the world. She walks to the apartment door and throws it open as if she’s royalty about to greet her loyal subjects. “Can you blame me?” she asks. “You saw how hot they all were right?”

  I shake my head and look at Tessa. It takes everything I have to not laugh. Everything. It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do, and the guys on their way here will talk about this shit for weeks.

&nb
sp; Tessa just shakes her head. “You know, Gina. I thought you couldn’t do anything that would astound me anymore. I was so wrong.”

  Gina turns to her and winks, “Then all of this is worth it even if I don’t get a date. Gotta keep things exciting for you, babe.”

  Snorting out a semi-stifled laugh, Tessa walks over to me and puts her head on my shoulder. “I am so sorry for her. Oh, and I guess we will owe your work friends all an apology too.”

  “No apologies due and I don’t think she needs your sympathy or concern. I’m pretty sure that she knows exactly what she’s doing. ” I say leaning back on the counter, wrapping my arms around Tessa, enjoying the feel of her there.

  As soon as the first fireman hits the apartment door in full gear, Gina is ready for him. His eyes bulge out of his head when he gets a load of her. “You called the fire department ma’am?”

  “I sure did, honey. Sorry about that. I didn’t know one was already in the house,” she says referring to me. When Dan looks over Gina’s shoulder at me, he smiles. “Ryder? What’s up, man? What the hell is going on here?”

  “Don’t ask me. I’m just here for the show.”

  Another fireman, Reggie comes up the stairs and he too chokes back a look of bewilderment when he sees Gina. “Well, since you all are here, can you stay? We can order a pizza or Chinese or something!”

  “So, there isn’t actually a fire ma’am?” Reggie asks, eyes solely focused on Gina’s legs. He takes his job seriously that one.

  “Not anymore. Ryder handled it. I just accidentally burnt some popcorn and spice stuff and…the pan I threw it all in,” she says quickly, but we catch every word and Tessa shakes her head again. Dan walks into the kitchen, spots the pan in the sink and nods in understanding. “I guess high heat has its downside too, ” Gina says with an obvious pun that is likely not lost on the team now gathered in the kitchen. Dan continues to explore the stove burnt kernels of popcorn, a singed hot pad, and open containers of god knows what. He too shakes his head.