by M. Brennan
NINE
The weeks are flying by. Halloween has come and gone. In a month it's going to be Christmas my favourite time of year. I can't wait for it to be here. Taylor and I have been going good but I can't help the feeling that he's hiding something and I'm so afraid of what that could be. With his manwhore reputation I wonder a lot of the time if it could be another woman.
We don't see each other during the week much with work but spend the weekends together. Mostly we just stay in bed but we do venture out for food.
I don't like it. I want to go out with him show him off to my friends but he wants to wait a little longer. I'm not happy with that but I don't want to push him. This is his first relationship and I don't want him to feel rush or run the risk of losing him.
I've been so tired lately with work being supper busy, I don't get much of a break. I make a coffee and when I sit down I heave out a sigh of relief—it just feels so good to sit.
I still get a little freaked being in the apartment myself and I've been getting that feeling of being watched lately. Like hairs on your neck stand up freaky feeling. Stacey tells me I'm probably just still a little freaked over it all considering they never found out who broke in.
Still… something grates on me and I can't for the life of me understand the weird feelings I'm getting. Even when I'm walking down the street I can feel someone watching me. It all just freaks me out. I need to get a grip on things before I drive myself mad.
I'm stopped in my thoughts by a knock on the door. When I open it I freeze to the spot as the man standing there is a man I never wanted to see, a man I blame for every problem I have.
"Hello Nessa," he says carefully but I just can't answer. Why is he here? I take a breath and try to remain calm.
"What do you want?" I snap.
"So you know who I am?" he says still very carefully. He knows he's unwelcome. At least that's a plus.
"Of course I know who you are. My mother wallowed over you for years while you were God knows where. You left her to raise me on her own, heartbroken every God damn day because you wouldn't come back to her. Until the day she'd had enough and sliced her wrists and left me to find her." I was shouting and didn't even realise. He looks shocked and his face has lost a little colour, he actually looks like he needs to sit down. But what do I care.
"Nessa, that was not what happened." How would he know? He fucking left us.
"And what the hell would you know, you son of a bitch. You fucking left us. You left her and because of you she's dead!" I can't breathe. I need to sit down.
"Calm down Nessa. I know that's what you think. Your mother told me you never even asked for me and when she brought me up you would fog her off, but I really need you to listen to me please. Just give me five minutes and I'll leave. I think there are a few things you need to know," he pleads.
I really don't think I can deal with him here. He's opening old wounds I'm not ready to face now or ever. He knew what I thought of him though. Why did she tell him things? Why did he stay in contact but not see me? Maybe I do need answers, maybe they will make it worse but I have to at least try to move past it all. I don't want to be weak anymore.
"Ok fine, you can have five minutes then you need to leave me alone. I never needed you and I certainly don't want you now." I know that wounds him because he flinched a little. Why he cares, I can't figure out.
"Thank you," he says and I step aside to let him in. Once he takes a seat at the table, I move to the other side. We just sit there in silence for a minute. I wish he would just spit it out already—my stomach is doing summer saults.
"I thought you had something to say." I'm being bitchy but what does he expect? He nods and takes a big breath before he begins.
"Nessa, your mother and I were best friends since we were very young. She was an amazing woman and we really only loved each other in a sister and brother way. It might not make sense right now but I'll explain. You see, I was in love with a girl called Sarah. Head over heels in love but she was going through a rough patch when we had started seeing each other. One day she just kicked me aside like dirt and I turned to your mother like I always did." He stops for a minute seemingly to ponder what he just.
"We both had too much to drink as we drowned my sorrows and that night we ended up in bed." This is not making sense to me. My mother never drank. I'm so confused they were best friends, she loved him but was not in love with him.
"We thought nothing of it and put it down to a drunken accident. We really just didn't feel that way about each other. It was a little weird afterwards but in the end we laughed it off. Sarah got in touch with me and she explained that she loved me but had freaked out. I really loved this girl and your mother encouraged me to go for it with her. I had to tell her the truth first, so I told her what happened with your mother and she forgave me. I was so pleased and so was your mother. This is where I blame myself a lot, Sarah asked me to stop being friends with your mother. She wasn't in a good place and was still worried I'd leave so I rang your mother and explained. I would never lie to her, she was my best friend, my sister. She told me to go for it but to give a phone call every now and then to let her know I was still alive. I agreed and so did Sarah."
He stops and shakes his head. He looks so sad. I still haven't said anything, I just can't understand it all. Why would she just let him leave? I thought she loved him. I don't get a chance to think further because he continues.
"Sarah didn't know she could get pregnant but a few months later we found out she was and we were delighted. I missed your mother terribly, we were friends for so long I felt like I abandoned her. No I did abandon her. We would talk on the phone and she would tell me she was fine and when my daughter was born she would always ask how she was doing. I was happy but Sarah knew I missed her. She told me she was sorry and told me to go see your mother." He stops and looks at me.
I have a sister? My head is spinning with all this. I don't have anything to say because I can't find the words but he's waiting for something so I nod for him to continue.
"When I went to see your mother she had a little girl in her arms. You were three at the time and I was shocked. She had never mentioned a child but when I walked up the garden I knew by her face there was something I was missing. That's when I looked at you, really look at you, and you resembled me. I was shocked. I just stood there staring. I didn't know and she'd kept it from me. When we talked she told me that she knew I was happy and she didn't want to break my family apart and asked me to stay away. She said she was happy with just you and her and asked me the biggest favour, she asked me to stay away let you two be happy. It killed me, I swear Nessa it did, but for her I'd do anything. When I went home I told Sarah everything and she freaked a little but I told her I wasn't seeing you and what your mother said. Then she freaked some more about your mother stopping you from being in my life but I knew I had my family and she wanted hers. I rang her every few months to see how you were doing and she would tell me everything about you. I loved the stories she would tell me but it wasn't the same. I knew I was missing loads and still I stayed away."
By the look on his face I can see he's building up to something here and I don't like where all this is leading to. I get up and go pour a glass of wine. I still haven't said anything. I'm trying to process it all. This can't be right, surely I couldn't have gotten it so wrong. Why did she do this to me?
"Nessa are you ok? Do you want me to stop?"
I take a big gulp of my wine and turn to face him. "No I have a feeling the next part is the one I want to hear. I don't understand why when she talked to you on the phone she would cry after. Why if she wasn't in love with you? I don't understand any of this." I take a seat again and wait for him to answer.
"She cried for you and me. She knew she got to see you grow and enjoy you. She loved you very much and you're right this part is really hard part for me. I know you don't give a shit about me, I was a shitty Father not to fight for you. I left you without a fight be
cause my best friend asked and a year before she died she rang me and told me I was a joke and that she hated me for never fighting for you. See, she tested me to see how much I loved you. The problem was I loved her and thought it was what she wanted but in truth she wanted me to fight for you and I failed. She rang me back a few months later and told me she had cancer and that she hadn't told you and it was also gone too far and she wouldn't make it more than a few months."
She had cancer? No she didn't, this can't be true. I feel my chest tighten up and the familiar feeling of panic overidding my body. I can't seem to catch a breath when someone start rubbing my back. I look up to see my dad has moved beside me. He looks as rattled as me.
"Nessa breathe. Please breathe, come on." I take a deep breath and try calm myself down.
"That can't be right, I'd have known. You have to be lying." My eyes are wet and I can feel the tears dripping down my face. This can't be real.
"Nessa, I think I should go. You have heard enough for one day. I'm so sorry."
He looks really sad. I don't understand any of it but I need him to finish so I look at him and say, "Please tell me the rest. I need to know."
He shakes his head but thankfully sits back down. "Are you sure? You don't look like someone who could take much more." I don't think I can but I need to hear the rest.
"I just need to hear it," I say truthfully. He sighs but goes on.
"A week before she died we met for coffee she told me that she was getting weaker. I offered to help but she said she didn't want us to meet because you were too angry and for that she was sorry." A tear slides down his face. "I love you Nessa. I know you don't care but I need you to know that not a day goes by that I haven't thought about you. My daughter will confirm that, because I couldn't get to know you, I didn't make time for her. I felt it was unfair and I broke her heart too without even realising it. The morning your mother-" He can't get it out so I finish for him, "The morning of the day she killed herself. The day she abandoned me, and let me find her like that."
I was crying again. He looks shocked at my words—he open and closes his mouth a few times.
"She rang me that morning and told me she couldn't tell you about the cancer. That it wasn't fair on you and she wouldn't put you through that. I didn't know what she meant at the time. I tried to reason with her but she just kept saying none of it was fair on any of you and that I need to meet you because she couldn't do it anymore. I told her I'd call later when she had calmed down and we could do it together. That even if you hated me I would stand by the two of you, but she killed herself and left your aunt as your guardian. I went to see your aunt and she threw me away from the door. After that I just didn't know how to approach you, I was scared. But then I got the call from the hospital and it frightened me so much Nessa, I couldn't have coped if anything had of happened to you. I'd have never forgive myself for not at least trying to explain myself to you."
I was full on sobbing now. My mother was trying to protect me and I have blamed her all these years and all the while my father wanted me. I can't make sense of it all and I need some time to think. Ten years of hate for two people can't be just forgotten about. I need to make sense of all this. I look to my father, I can't call him Dad I'm not even sure I want him in my life. Right now I just need space.
"Patrick thank you for telling me this but it's all a little hard to process. I need some space to think this all through." He stands up and reaches into his pocket and takes a letter out.
"I'm sorry I left it off for so long. I didn't know how you felt and I just chickened out. I'm so very sorry. I hope that sometime in the future you can forgive me. This is a letter I received in the post a few days after she died. There was one for me and one for you. I was asked to give it to you when you were ready to talk to me. I should have done it years ago."
I take the letter and leave it on the table and walk him to the door.
"I don't know how I feel about all this right now but give me some time."
He looks hopeful and I don't want to be a bitch so I just nod and say goodbye.
I don't think that I'm ready for all this I go back and sit at the table and stare at the letter. I'm so afraid of what it says. I just sit there and cry until Stacey comes in and the minute she sees me she runs over to me.
"What the hell happened?" I can't talk so I just cry on her shoulder for what feels like hours. When I'm done I'm so tired Stacey helps me to my room where I fall asleep.
I wake to my phone ringing. I look at the time, its eleven, I slept for three hours. I pick up my phone it's Taylor.
"Hello," I say sleepily, there's a lot of background noise.
"Hey beautiful. Look I can't see you this weekend, the family have a thing and I need to be there. I'll miss you though."
That hurts like a fucking knife through the heart. I'm his girlfriend, well I assumed I was. We have been seen each just over a month. He doesn't bring me out and I'm not good enough to meet his family. What am I just a bit on the side? I need him right now with my head spinning from today. Maybe I'm overreacting but I just need him.
"So I won't see you at all?" I say a little too sadly.
"I'll take you out for dinner when I am back to make it up to you. Are you okay?"
Oh we're allowed be seen with each other now. I'm obviously not ok. I wanna scream, you don't care, I can't be dealing with this.
"Whatever. Have fun." I hang up only for my phone to ring again.
"Go away Taylor. I'm not in the mood. Go have fun with your family, your little hooker will be here when you return."
I hang up again and put my phone on silent. I know I'm being a bitch but I just don't care right now. I get out of bed and head to the kitchen. The letter is still on the table but I can't read it yet. I'm not ready to see what she has to say. I'm still trying to process the fact that I hate my mother because she left me when she was protecting me in her own way. How does one get over that?
TEN
I stay in bed all Saturday and when I wake up on Sunday, Stacey is standing over me. "Time to get up Nessa. You smell and you haven't eaten anything. Let's go, don't make me kick your ass."
I laugh because she would. I know she wants to talk about all this. She has been really worried and hasn't left the apartment all weekend so I give in and go shower. When I'm done I head to the kitchen where she has two coffees poured.
"You ready to talk now babe? And that's more a you're talking end of. You can shout, scream, get it all out, but you're dealing with this now."
Wow don't hold back Stacey. I actually laugh. I suppose she's right, it is time.
"I know," I say and then tell her everything my father said. She looks like a fish the way her mouth is opening and closing.
"Jesus Nessa, are you going to open the letter?"
"I'm not ready, my whole life I have felt abandoned by those who love me. They all left Stacey, and he comes and tells me all of this."
When I look at her I'm surprised by the anger on her face. She shoots up form her chair. "You know what, that's bullshit. Yeah your mother left you but she did it for her own reasons—something I've told you for years. And yeah Brandon is a douche but for God's sake Nessa, have you never seen what was here all along? Your sisters. You know, the friends who love you and have never left you. The only family you have had for ten years. How about thinking how lucky you are and not wallowing on the ones who have left."
Oh my God. She's right every time I would fight with her over my mother I always said how I felt like I'm not enough yet for Stacey, Sam and Jess, I have always been enough and they never left. When I look at her she looks so hurt. How could I not have seen this all along?
"Stacey I'm so sorry. I just… I'm sorry." She sits down and breathes out slowly.
"You had it shitty finding your mother and not understanding the 'why' all these years but we love you and we're never leaving. Can't you understand that you're so loved and have been all these years." And that starts off the tears.
It's going to be hard but I can maybe make it through. If I just lean on what's been here the whole time maybe I can be strong and stop trying to fight this inner battle within myself—one I've been losing for years.
We decided to have a movie day to take my mind off things. Halfway through our second movie someone starts to bang on the door. Stacey gets up to open the door and Taylor storms in.
"What the fuck Nessa? Why haven't you been answering my calls?" He is so angry the veins his neck are bulging out. I turned my phone on silent Friday night and haven't touched it since. It's probably well dead now.
"My phone is dead," I say casually. Out of the corner of my eye I see Stacey sneaking off to her room. Way to have my back, sister.
"So you get annoyed at me over the phone, hang up, and just ignore me? I have been going out of my mind worrying about you."
"It took you two days to get here—obviously you haven't been going out of your mind." The bitch is coming out but seriously I'm not in the mood to deal with him.
"What the hell is wrong with you? I told you I had something to do. I couldn't just leave because you had a tantrum."
Wow isn't he sweet? "Go fuck yourself, Taylor!" I shout then turn back around and watch the film hoping he will leave but he doesn't. Instead he comes to sit beside me on the couch.
"I shouldn't have come in all guns blazing but I was worried. I know you're upset I didn't invite to meet my family. Everything at home is a little complicated at the moment, I didn't want to bring you into the middle of it"
Ugh, I feel a little bad now. I can understand complicated. Damn him. It still doesn't explain why we can't be seen out together but I'm not ready for that battle. I'll tackle that when my head is a little clearer.
