by M. Brennan
"Fine," I say not really knowing what else to say to him. I have enough shit in my head without dealing with him. I was just taking my anger out on him the other night.
We have only been together a little while, he doesn't have to introduce me yet, it's way to early.
"So you forgive me?" he says poking my hip. Damn this man is just too cute. How could I not?
"I suppose you could be forgiven." He doesn't say anything but picks me up and puts me on his lap. We sit there cuddling like that till the film we're watching ends.
"I really did miss you," he whispers I can tell he did. I feel how much he did under me.
"So show me," I whisper back. He carries me to my room where he shows me all night how much he missed me. It feels good to be with him, I feel so safe.
ELEVEN
A week has passed since my dad's visit and I still haven't made sense of it all. I do feel a little bad for him, he seemed to really care for my mam. I don't know if we can have a relationship but I feel I should at least try.
I also still haven't opened the letter yet. I'm just so afraid of what it's going to say and when I look at it I just sob like a baby. When I'm strong enough I will do it.
Stacey said I need a few weeks off work I told her it is better for me to work but she put her foot down. She was trying to give me a month but I bargained her down to just one week. Being off work leaves me bored out of my head. Seriously what the hell am I supposed to do with my days if I can't work?
My phone rings. Oh maybe someone wants to entertain me.
"Hello." But no one is there. I hang up and put my phone back down and it rings again. Once again no one talks. This happens two more times. I'm a little freaked so I call Taylor.
"Hey."
"Hey beautiful, everything ok?" Awe swoon, I love when he calls me that. "I'm bored. Stacey won't let me work. Want to grab lunch?"
"Why won't she let you work?" Well shit.
"She tells me I work too hard and earned a break." Yeah I should just tell him the truth, I just not ready to bring up the whole my family's fucked up story.
He laughs. "Sure. I'm pretty busy so do you want to grab a subway and we can eat here?" Ugh, of course we're not going out.
"Sure, be there soon." With that I hang up. He's always so busy and the whole never going out thing is starting to grate on me. I need to talk to him about that. I understand that he's is a billionaire with a ton of businesses so he works pretty hard. I'll never understand why he picked me but I'm glad he did. I love him so much and I can't wait for the day I get to tell him that.
I get dressed, grab lunch, and head to his office. I'm allowed straight in this time. When I enter his office he comes over and kisses me breathless.
"I missed you too," I laugh.
We sit down to eat our lunch. I look up from my lunch to see Taylor studying me.
"What's wrong babe?" He knows me so well. That's just one of the things I love about him. I'm so frighten he doesn't feel the same way, he probably doesn't. He's a billionaire sex God and I'm just well, me—nothing special.
He still waiting for an answer so I decide to tell him the truth. "My dad came to see me." He coughs a little.
"What as in your real Dad?"
Ok weird. "Yes, I only have the one."
"I mean you've never mentioned him before. I just didn't realise you had one, sorry." I suppose he's right, he actually never asked me about my family and I've been grateful to avoid it. I'm really going to have to tell him soon.
"I never met him till last week. He came and talked to me and explained a lot—my heads just all over the place with it all."
"Really, so your whole life you never once saw him and now he just turned up? What did he say?" I haven't told Taylor about my mam so I don't want to drag it up now. I know I should but I'm just not ready.
"Just some stuff and he wants us to get to know each other. I'm not sure how I feel about it all."
"Ok, I understand." He looks at his watch. "I am really busy today so I'll have to get back to work now." Was he trying to get rid of me? What the hell! I'm not going to argue though I should trust him even if it feels like a brush off.
"Ok. I'll go," I say a little sadly. I grab my things and head for the door.
"Nessa I'm sorry. I'm just really busy."
"I know. I understand it's fine."
He curses under his breath. "No it's not fine but I just have some of my own family shit going on. We'll talk later, ok." He comes over and kisses me sweetly. It feels very much like a goodbye kiss. This is weird, why is he acting like this?
I leave and head home even more confused. When I get home my head is mashed with everything. I decide to go for a run to clear my head a bit.
When I get back I realise it's not going to be that easy to fill my days without working. So after my run I head out to do a little shopping going straight to Pennys. I love that shop. I spend an hour there spending over a hundred euro but the sale was so good.
I head to Starbucks before I head home. As I'm leaving I bump right into someone. "Shit. Sorry," I say looking up to them and when I spot Lucy I want to take it right back. I go to walk around her but she steps in front of me. What the hell, does this bitch have a death wish?
"Get out of my way Lucy," I growl.
"Nessa I just want to talk a second. Please, it's important."
"There is nothing you can say that I want to hear." I go to move around her and again she stops me. I'm about to slap her if she doesn't move her ass.
"Have you seen Brandon lately?" she questions. Oh no she did not go there.
"Seriously, are you really asking me that?" I whisper shout as people are starting to look.
"It's not what you think. There is something wrong with him, like sick in the head wrong. He's obsessed with you." I doubt that, since he literally rubbed his cheating in my face.
"Look, I haven't seen him nor do I want to. And for that matter I don't want to be standing her talking to you either, so get the hell out of my way before I move you with a good dig in the jaw." This time I'm fully shouting. She wisely steps out of my way. The cheek of her!
I calm myself down on the walk home but I can't help thinking why she was being like that. He obviously still talks about me and she's jealous—that has to be it.
The last time I saw Brandon he hated me—I could see it in his face. I don't know why he did, I didn't do anything but be a loving girlfriend. I don't know why she is all up in arms about it. There must be trouble in paradise.
I'm just in the door to the apartment when I feel sick and just barely make it to the toilet before I puke everything I have in my stomach up. God I don't feel good. I've been feeling more and more tired lately. Maybe I need a vitamin shot or something.
When I get up I feel a little dizzy so I head out and ring the doctors. They give me an appointment for four o'clock, which is only a half hour from now. so I grab my bag and head back out.
When I arrive at the doctors there is not many waiting to be seen and I'm called into the room within ten minutes.
"Hello Nessa and how can we help you today?"
"I been feeling drained lately and very off. I think I might need a vitamin shot or something to boost me." She writes things down and then sends me to give a urine sample. When I come back in the room she's smiling. I might not die yet.
"Well Nessa you have been feeling off because you're pregnant." Say what! She's has to be kidding me. There's no way I am. I haven't been on the pill even though I was supposed to get it, but we use condoms every time. No way, she needs to check again.
"Nah impossible. Can you check again?" She shakes her head.
"Nessa it came straight up which suggests you're over a month at least." Shit! Oh God I'm going to puke again. She must see it coming too because she passes me a paper hat thing for me to get sick into. Once I stop she passes me some water.
"Thanks," I say weakly.
"I take it this is a shock? Can you remember when you ha
d your last period?"
No I can't, they're never regular. Fuck. What am I going to do? I don't remember ever having sex without a condom. My head is spinning trying to think of the one time we didn't but I just can't come up with it because we were always careful. Then a freaking light bulb goes off over my head. In the hotel, the first time I slept with him when we had sex in the shower. I don't think we used anything did we? Shit I just don't know.
"Nessa I want you to head over to the Coombe and have a scan to see how far along you're gone. I will ring ahead so you should get brought straight in." I just nod. I'm in total shock.
How could I be so stupid and what the hell is Taylor going to think? Oh God this is a mess. I get up and thank her and head over to the Coombe. I'm not waiting long like she said, I get brought into a room and she exposes my belly and puts cold gel on it.
"If you look at this screen you will see your baby." I just nod and with that a picture comes up of a blob. That's what it looks like a first but then I see a shape. It looks like a really small baby blob. Oh man, this can't be real.
"You're about ten weeks pregnant." What! How did I not know? Well if I kept better track of my damn periods I could have known but there always all over the place. Shit.
"I was in hospital a few weeks ago how come it didn't show up then?" I question.
"You could have got a false negative," she explains.
"How could I not know I'm so far gone?"
She just smiles at me.
"Some people can go through their whole pregnancy with no symptoms. It explains why you have being feeling tired and you got sick today so your morning sickness has just started a little late is all." She tells me she is going to grab some information for me.
When she leaves the room I clean the gel of my stomach and sit up. This is not good. What am I going to do? Taylor and I haven't even gone out to dinner in public yet and we're having a baby. Just great.
The nurse goes through all my prenatal information and also draws some blood which wasn't pleasant. When she asks about my family history for my mum and dad I break down. Once I calm down I tell her what I know, she writes it all down and excuses herself for a minute. When the nurse returns she gives me a picture of my baby, some leaflets and an appointment for when I've to see my nurse at fifteen weeks and one for when I'm twenty weeks.
I head home. I need to think about what I'm going to do. I mean what if Taylor doesn't want kids? What if he hates the idea of them or having one with me? Shit get a grip Nessa, if he doesn't you can do this on your own, I tell myself this all the way home.
I go straight to my room and climb into bed. I stare at the picture of my baby. I love it already. I try to tell myself everything will be ok. I don't want to see anyone right now so I just lie there. I must fall asleep because I wake up and its bright out it had just gotten dark as I fell asleep the night before.
I get up and Stacey is already gone. Although I slept for like a day I still feel tired.
Thanks baby, you're not going to make it easy for me are you? I rub my stomach I feel all this love already. It's a strange feeling. I decided I'm not going to tell anyone for a few weeks. They say three months is the best time so that gives me two weeks to figure it all out.
I just need to talk Stacey into letting me go back to work so I can take my mind off things. I also need to deal with the letter which is sitting on my unit, and my dad. On top of dealing with my relationship with Taylor and figure out how adding a baby is going to either help or destroy it. Either way me and baby are gonna stick this out whether it's with Taylor or not.
TWELVE
Its been two weeks since I made the decision to deal with my life and I have done nothing. I still haven't told anyone about the baby. Taylor hasn't noticed anything, not that I've seen him much. He seems way to preoccupied with whatever is going on with his family but Stacey has it figured out considering I spend most my time in the toilet these days. I am sporting a tiny bump nothing too noticeable but that will change soon.
I still haven't gone back to work. I may have started late with morning sickness but its kicking my ass now. I can barely take two steps before I end up in the toilet, so just as well I haven't seen much of Taylor.
I have decided that I'm going to talk to him tonight. I am a little worried with him being distracted lately. My mind is thinking up all sorts of things but I'm trying to trust him. I know he isn't another Brandon but I can’t help feeling like he's hiding something from me, and my insecurities are telling me it's a woman.
I'm not seeing Taylor till later so when my father rang me and asked if we could have coffee I agreed. I think I should give him a chance. I head to the café on Connelly Street to meet him.
I spot him as soon as I'm in there. He's pretty tall and has sandy hair. I do look a lot like him. I knew I would because I never looked like my mother. When he spots me he waves.
"Hey." I wave back and take a seat.
"Hey," I say feeling a little awkward. What do I say to the Father I never knew?
"How are you feeling?" I know he's talking about everything he told me but I really don't want to talk about it again.
"I'm fine. I'm sorting through things in my head, it will take time considering for ten years I blamed the two of you for abandoning me." Shit, I didn't mean to say all that but it's got his attention. He goes to talk again but I stop him.
"Please, can we have coffee and chat about something else? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you it's just going to take a while to change my train of thinking. I'll get there let's just get to know each other a bit and take it from there." When I'm done he smiles.
"That's fine with me. Actually it's more than fine." We talk for an hour or so about nothing really and it's nice. We don't bring up Mam or his family. We just chat about our day and what our plans are. When we stand up to leave he hands me a card. I look at him confused.
"What's this?" I question.
"That's an invitation to my birthday party in two weeks. I would really like you to come. I understand if you're not ready." I feel like saying, hell to the freaking no but I just nod and he smiles.
I head home to get ready to go to Taylor's. When I'm coming in Stacey is heading out.
"I'm meeting Jeff and tomorrow we're talking about this pregnancy you're not telling anyone about." With that she kisses me on the cheek and leaves. Guess I was right, she did know.
I arrive at Taylor's at eight and he greets me by taking me straight into his arms. Man I love his kisses.
"What was that for?" I swoon, seriously pregnancy makes me horny.
"That's because I missed you." How much I wonder and I drop my hand down the length of his body to see how much he missed me. Yup he's hard. Oh man I just want to bite him or something. He gets what I mean and takes me straight to the bedroom where he makes love to me. Something feels off though, he's not himself.
We're just lying there not talking so I figure now would be a great time to brooch the kids subject. "Have you ever thought about having kids?" I know it's random and I feel him tense under me.
"I don't want kids Nessa." Oh well that's not good. Shit. I can't drop it though considering I'm having his baby.
"Why? Almost everyone wants them at some stage in their life." I'm praying he says something positive here.
"No, I don't want them at all and I really don't want to talk about this anymore."
Now I'm pissed. Sure doesn't matter that I might want kids. Never mind the fact that I'm actually having one. I sit up and look at him.
"And what about me? What if I want them?" He gets out of bed and starts dressing himself. What the hell is he doing?
"Well then you have the wrong man Nessa." He looks hurt by his own statement. Why is he saying this if he doesn't mean it?
"So that's it. End of discussion. If I want to be with you I don't get a say in our future?"
He thinks for a minute. "Who said we have a future?" With that he goes in and rips my heart clear from my chest.
It physically hurts. I rub my chest as a tear leaks from my eye and he just stands there staring. I get up and get dressed while he turns his back to me and looks out the window.
What the hell happened? I can't even say anything because if I open my mouth I'll cry. So I just walk out. It's two in the morning and he just let me go.
I make it home and just sit in the dark. I'm not going to cry for that asshole, I have a baby to think off. I sit there all night just calming myself and dealing with my shattered heart.
I don't want to be alone and I never ask for help but I text Stacey because right now I really need her to tell me what to do. I'm so stuck, how am I supposed to do this?
I head into the shower and it's like I'm a robot. I can't function properly. I really can't wait for this year to end because my shitty lucky is just non freaking stop. Just as I get dressed Stacey burst through the door.
"What's wrong Nessa? Fuck look at you. What the hell happened?"
I just look are her because she's barely dressed and her hair is everywhere. She must have just ran when I texted and for some reason I feel the need to hug her. She hugs me right back. How have I never seen this?
I walk out and put the kettle on and she sits at the table waiting for me to speak.
"I'm twelve weeks pregnant. Of course you have known and I knew you had discovered my secret but I just wanted time to deal. You know me."
"Of course I know you, you idiot. You spent most of the damn time puking," she says in duh voice.
"I know. This baby is kicking my ass already." I smile weakly.
"It will get better and if it doesn't just think in the end you get to hold that little one." She points toward my stomach causing me to rub it and her to smile.
"Thanks but doesn't mean I have to like puking," I laugh.
"What happened?" she says softly.
"Taylor doesn't want kids." She goes to butt in but I shake my head. "I haven't told him yet. But when I brought it up last night he told me he never wants them and then proceeded to tell me that it didn't matter if I did because we have no future anyway." Before I can blink she's up and pacing.
