Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  I told her I'd be happy to give her a ride, but that I had to go to Fayetteville for work at the radio station right after school, and she said she could just ride home with her mom. I picked her up at ten till eight and we talked the whole way to school. I hadn't really talked to her much during the past week and she was curious about how I liked Jake. I told her I thought he was a nice guy and would probably hang out again with him sometime. I had to tell her that. It wasn't like I was going to tell her the truth—that my thoughts had been consumed with her brother and what it would be like to have his hands on me.

  "Aren't you gonna go?" she said, drawing me from my thoughts. The line to get in the school parking lot had moved up a few spaces, and there was a gap I needed to close.

  "He told Ryan he was texting you," Esther said.

  "Who?"

  "Jake," she said.

  "We text a little bit one night but he just wanted to say he had a good time."

  "When someone texts to tell you they had a good time, it's because they want to do it again."

  I was silent for long enough that she spoke again.

  "Are you gonna hang out with him again?"

  "I don't know," I said. I hated to hurt anyone's feelings, so I added, "Probably so, I guess."

  I glanced at Esther as I pulled into a parking spot and she was wearing a satisfied smile. "Thanks for the ride," she said.

  We got out of the car and set off toward the back of the school. Rose Chapman was sitting on one of the park benches that lined the walkway to the main quad. She had her head in her hands, and when she glanced up, Esther and I could see that something was definitely wrong. Normally, I would have taken a right at the fork in the sidewalk way before I ever reached the spot where Rose was sitting, but today I took the other path. It was obvious there was some kind of drama, and I was just too curious to walk past.

  She stood up when she caught sight of us and walked right into Esther's arms. Esther shot me a dumbfounded expression as she hugged her crying friend. Rose pulled back to look at Esther, and because she had rushed into Esther's arms so quickly, it was the first time we got a good look at her. She looked terrible. She didn't just look like she'd been crying, she was currently crying—literally sobbing.

  "What in the world happened to you?" Esther said.

  Rose's jaw dropped. "Didn't you hear?" she hissed. "Your brother broke up with me last night. Didn't you see that I changed my Facebook status?" She put her head in her hands and let out a few loud sobs.

  Esther put a comforting arm around her, and I, not wanting to seem insensitive, patted her shoulder a few times. Students walked past us slowly, trying to get the scoop on what was going on and Rose didn't even care. She just cried and sobbed with no reservation whatsoever.

  "I can't believe he did this," Esther said. It was obvious by her tone that she was upset with her brother. "He's gonna regret it and come crawling back."

  "He-said-he-just-didn't-feel-anything-for-me-anymore," Rose said, sobbing and gasping for breath in between each word.

  "That asshole," Esther said. My eyes widened as I looked at her. I couldn't believe she was taking Rose's side. Esther saw my surprise and gave me a secret wink.

  "I don't know what I'm gonna do," Rose sobbed. Esther took Rose by the shoulders and set her back down on the bench and then she sat down next to her as if they were going to have a nice long chat. I may have wanted to hear what was going on, but that was so out of character for me that I knew it would raise eyebrows.

  "I'm gonna head to class," I said. Esther looked up at me with a smile, but Rose just kept her head buried in Esther's shoulder.

  I'm probably a horrible person for taking a little joy in someone's pain—especially when that someone was as sweet as Rose Chapman, but part of me was happy to hear that Caleb Cross didn't have a girlfriend. I knew deep down I couldn't be with him, but I still felt some inner satisfaction knowing he was no longer with her.

  ****

  I drove to Fayetteville straight from school. I was early for the show, but Mark was out of town and for the first time, I'd be running the show by myself. I knew I would do fine, but I couldn't help but be a little anxious. I'd been thinking about things I could play all week.

  I got to the station an hour early, and hung out with this guy named Jason while he finished his folk music show. It was ten till five when I saw Caleb Cross in the hallway outside the booth. It wasn't a high-traffic hallway, and Jason and I both looked in the direction of the window when Caleb came into sight.

  "Who's this guy?" Jason asked. He didn't think I would know who the guy was because he knew I only drove into Fayetteville to work at the station.

  "He's my friend," I said. I stood to walk to the door.

  "You're on in ten minutes," Jason said at my back.

  "I know. I'm not going anywhere." I opened the door and gave Caleb a curious glance as I stepped outside.

  "How'd you find me?" I asked. He was dressed nice—wearing jeans and a black shirt, and I found it hard to breathe, as usual, when in his presence.

  "There's only one radio station on campus. All I had to do was find out where it was."

  "That's Jason," I said, pointing into the booth where Jason was staring blankly at his phone while the song that was playing finished up. "His show's over in ten minutes. That's when I take over. I'm running the show by myself tonight."

  "For the first time?"

  "Yeah."

  "Congratulations." He gave me the sweetest smile that made me believe he was proud of me.

  "I should probably get back in there," I said.

  "I was thinking we could talk."

  Talking wasn't really on my agenda with him. I was so nervous that I'd say or do the wrong thing in front of him that I wanted to just keep my mouth shut.

  "I could hang out with you for a little bit while you're in there," he said. He gestured into the booth just in case I didn't know what he was talking about. "We could talk during the songs. I'll be quiet while you're talking, I promise."

  I stood there speechless as I tried to figure out how I felt about him coming in there with me. Truth was, I wouldn't mind the company—especially company that looked like Caleb Cross.

  "We'll go in when he starts the next song," I said. "Just be really quiet when he's talking."

  Caleb smiled at me like I was just stating the obvious. I turned to go back into the booth when the next song started, and Caleb followed behind me. Jason gave me a quizzical glance.

  "This is my friend Caleb," I said. Caleb reached across the desk to shake Jason's hand.

  "I know who you are," Jason said, surprising both of us.

  "Your brother is Aaron Cross the football player."

  "That's right."

  "And you play baseball right?"

  "You're good," Caleb said, with that dazzling smile that had even Jason charmed.

  "I'm a big Razorbacks fan."

  "I appreciate it, man, we definitely love our fans."

  "You're getting some playing time, aren't you?"

  "Yeah, I played shortstop in high school, but they're using me in centerfield."

  "Are you starting every game?" Jason asked. Then he thought twice about asking the question, and put a finger into the air as he put on his headset. "Help him get into a pair of these, won't you, Jovi?"

  I gave Jason a curious expression and he tapped his headphones with one finger. "Put a pair of these on him and turn on his mic."

  I looked at Jason like he was crazy.

  "Please just do it," he said. "I still have a few minutes to kill."

  The song was just about to end and I quickly turned Caleb's microphone on before he went live.

  "That was classic Bob Dylan with Forever Young," Jason said. "That just about does it for my show ladies and gentlemen, but I have a special guest in the studio that I'm really excited about. I have Caleb Cross here with me—freshman centerfielder for your Razorbacks… say 'hi' Caleb."

  "Hello," Caleb said.
His smile came across in his voice and I instantly felt less nervous for him.

  "Caleb's a freshman this year, but has been getting some playing time out in center field. We know you guys are winning some games this season. I'll bet as a freshman you're feeling hopeful that you'll see some good baseball over the next few years."

  "Definitely," Caleb said. "I love the coaching staff and feel that I've already grown even though it's just my freshman year."

  "We're looking forward to cheering you guys on. When's the next game?"

  "We play a double-header tomorrow against Mississippi State. We'd love for y'all to come out and support."

  "You heard it here folks, the Razorbacks play a double header tomorrow starting at—what time?"

  "Two o'clock," Caleb said.

  "Two o'clock," Jason repeated.

  "I'd like to thank Caleb for coming in to chat with me for a few minutes and thank you all for listening. Get out and support those Razorbacks. I'm gonna leave you with Paradise by John Prine and the lovely Jovi will be rocking your world when we come back."

  Jason started the song and took off his headset. "Thanks brother, that was cool," he said.

  "No problem," Caleb said, also taking his headset off. "Thanks for having me on. That was fun."

  Jason reached out to shake his hand one last time as he stood and gathered his things. I waited patiently for him to move so I could sit in the main DJ chair.

  "You can just stay there," I said to Caleb. "If you need to go somewhere or say something, just wait till we're in the middle of a song."

  Jason left and before I knew it, the last folk song was over. I changed my voice a little when I went on the air. Not much, I just accentuated the raspiness a little bit. I didn't know if Caleb had ever heard my radio voice before, but I couldn't be embarrassed at this point.

  "Good evening everybody," I said. "It's good to be here on a beautiful Friday night. I'm Jovi and I'm here to rock your Friday night. Mark's not with me this week, so I'm the boss up in here. Hit me up on twitter at Jovirocks to make your requests. And don’t request anything stupid because you know I won't play it." I laughed to let them know I was just playing around and pressed play on the first song, which was a Radiohead song that I chose the week before when I was planning the show.

  Caleb stared at me smiling, but was quiet until I took off my headset. "You're really good at that."

  I chuckled a little, not knowing how to take the compliment. "I still have so much to learn it's overwhelming, but I love it and think I'll probably be good one day."

  "You already are good."

  I laughed again. "Thank you, but I'm still a baby. I don't even know what I said just now. Mark's the one that keeps me together."

  "You did awesome. Your voice was a little different—like your accent went back to the way it used to be when you first got here."

  "Other people have told me my accent sounds heavier when I'm on the air, but I can't help it. I guess it's just a persona I adopt when I put the headset on."

  "I like it," Caleb said.

  "Well, thank you," I said. "The song has about one more minute," I added, as a warning.

  "Rose and I broke up," he said.

  My eyes snapped up to meet his, and I stared into their dark depths. "I heard." It was stupid but it was all I could come up with. "She was at school today even though she probably should have stayed home."

  The news made Caleb flinch and shift uncomfortably. "I thought about it all week. I tried to think of a way I could do it without hurting her so bad, but there's just no pretty way to do it."

  "Why'd you break up with her?" I asked.

  "Because I wasn't feeling it, and I knew I'd regret it later if I didn't follow my gut and see what else was out there—"

  I stopped him from talking by putting a finger in the air. "Hang on one second," I said. I put on my headset and spoke into the microphone long enough announce the next song.

  Caleb watched me. I wasn't looking directly at him, but I could feel him watching me.

  "I should have broken up with her before prom that night," he said. "I just didn't know how to do it."

  "Yeah, it wasn't pretty," I said, thinking about how she looked at school earlier that day.

  "Jovi, I'm here right now to tell you that I want you."

  I stared at him for a few seconds while I tried to decide what to say to that. "You're gonna have to get out of here and let me do my show. You can't just come in here and say something like that and expect that I'll know how to react."

  He thought about that before responding. "I'll get out of here and let you do your show, but I'm coming back when you get off. You need someone to walk you to your car anyway since your co-host isn't here."

  I studied him. "Caleb, I'm telling you right now that I don't think anything should happen between us for a multitude of reasons. But I'm glad you came by and I'd like the walk to my car if you want to come back by at nine."

  He stood and pushed his chair under the desk. "I'll see you at nine," he said.

  Chapter 12

  Caleb Cross came back to the station at five till nine. The guy who hosted the rap show that came on at nine was there getting ready to take over. A song was playing and I motioned for Caleb to come in. He came inside, but stood with his back to the door, looking like he was trying to stay out of the way.

  I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was far and away the hottest guy I'd seen on campus, and I couldn't believe he was there to talk to me.

  "It's that time again—time for me to bid you farewell. Up next we have Lil' Busy with some hard hittin' Hip-Hop. Be sure to hit Mark up on Instagram if you want to live vicariously through him. He's posting photos of his vacation and I'm so jealous it's not even funny. Anyway, thanks for listening and here's to a beautiful weekend. I'm gonna leave you with a classic from The Kinks."

  I pressed the button to start the song and removed my headset for the final time. My shoulders slumped in relief. I hadn't realized how stressed I was about filling in for Mark, but now that it was over, I felt like I could breathe again. Treyvon, AKA Lil' Busy, took my spot in the main DJ station, and I crossed the booth to stand next to Caleb. I smiled up at him.

  "Wanna get something to eat?" he asked.

  I'd only had a protein bar and it was hours ago. I was hungry, but didn't really feel like I could sit there and scarf food down in front of someone who looked like him.

  "I'm good," I said. "I'll probably just head on home."

  "Can we talk for a little bit?"

  We made our way down the hall and outside before I responded. "Earl and Coleen expect me to come home right after the show's over."

  "So call and tell them you're hanging out with me for a few minutes. I'll call them if you want." He started to pull his phone from his pocket but I grabbed his arm to stop him. It wasn’t even in sexual context, but the contact sent a jolt of electric energy up my arm that had me pulling away only a second after I touched him.

  "Come hang out at my apartment for a few minutes before you go home," he said. "It's just right over there."

  I gave him a regretful smile that made his face shift instantly into puppy dog mode.

  I rolled my eyes. "I'll follow you over there, but I can't stay long."

  He smiled as if he knew I'd say yes all along. He had parked right next to my car and I followed him to his apartment. It was in a small but nice complex that was basically on campus. There was plenty of parking and I pulled into the spot next to him.

  "Is your brother here?" I asked.

  "I don't think so," he said. "I don't see his truck." He fell into stride beside me and I followed his lead to a set of stairs. "Aaron had this apartment last year, so he has the bigger bedroom, but mine's nice too."

  I got nervous at the mention of bedrooms. A whirlwind of emotions began to churn inside me like turbulent waters. I had a crush on Caleb since I met him eight months ago, but during that eight months, I'd come to the firm conclusion that it would ne
ver happen between us. It simply couldn't. My past experience created a gap that was too large for Caleb and I to bridge, and I had come to terms with that.

  Now I had him breaking up with his girlfriend and asking me over to his apartment, and I honestly didn't know what to do with myself.

  "What are you thinking?" he asked.

  "It's nice in here," I said. That wasn't what I was thinking, but it was nice in there so at least it was the truth. He thanked me for the compliment and didn't seem to notice that I was focused on the ins and outs of my feelings at the moment. I found a spot on the couch and Caleb crossed to the kitchen where he turned on a light and grabbed a bottled water from the fridge.

  "Do you want water?"

  "Sure," I said, looking around at the small but tidy living room.

  He came to stand in front of me holding two bottles. He let one of them roll off the end of his fingers and gently fall toward me. I was always a pretty good catch, and I snagged it out of the air with one hand.

  He smiled, "Nice."

  "Thanks," I said. I turned the lid to remove the top and took a little sip of the water. Caleb Cross sat down on the couch, and when he did, he left no space at all between himself and me. My thigh was literally touching his, and that same jolt of electricity started coursing through my body. I wanted him so badly that it was a struggle to control my breathing. I shifted slightly, putting an inch of space between us. He was so bloody gorgeous and I was so aroused that it was almost impossible to refrain from throwing myself at him.

  He stared down at me. "I should have broken up with her that night at prom, but I just couldn't do it."

  "I don't blame you," I said. "I didn't ask you to do it at all."

  He gave me an injured look. "I'm trying to make you understand that I like you—that I want you, but it doesn't seem like you're wanting to hear it."

  I stared at him with a pleading expression. "I hear you, I just don't see how we could make anything work with us."

  "You make it work like this."