Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  He leaned over and tilted my chin up so he could put a kiss on my mouth. I couldn’t help myself. I kissed him back. My body was aching for it, and there was no way I was going to neglect myself the pleasure I'd waited so long for. I let out an uncontrollable whimper at the relief I felt from having his lips on mine. He took this as encouragement, which it was, and began shifting so he could reach me more easily. He wrapped one hand around the nape of my neck and pulled me toward him to deepen the kiss.

  "This is a mistake," I said, pulling back breathlessly.

  "No it's not," he said.

  I sighed and hesitated for a minute before deciding to throw caution to the wind. I gave him a little half smile before touching my lips to his again. It was hard not to throw my leg over him so I could straddle him. I wanted to feel what he had going on under those jeans. He broke the kiss and looked down at me with that amazing, wide smile. I had no choice but to smile back.

  "I wanted you from the first moment I met you at the Mitchell's," he said.

  I thought about that night—thought about telling him everything about my past. And how—as far as I knew, he never told anyone.

  "I liked you way back then too," I said.

  "Why didn't we do this sooner?" he asked.

  I wanted to say it was because of Rose or that it was because I knew deep down that things wouldn't work between us, both of which were true—but I couldn't make myself say either of those things. I wanted him too badly to deny myself. I just shrugged in answer to his question.

  He grabbed me by the face again and bent to kiss me. It deepened quickly this time, and I took some of his lower lip into my mouth and sucked on it. In turn, he took me by the leg and pulled me onto his lap where I was straddling him just like I had imagined.

  I had on a indigo and white tie-dye pair of skinny jeans that were thin enough to be classified as leggings. I could feel his hard package under his pants. He shifted and put a hand down his pants to reposition his ever-growing erection. Then he smiled up at me and lifted his hips so I could get a better idea of what he had under there. I pressed my hips into him—falling in love with the feeling of his hardness against my clit. I'd already seen and felt enough to know that he was definitely on the larger side, and I smiled inwardly thinking about how much fun this was going to be.

  I was so turned on that I was in serious danger of loosing it right then. He kissed me again and my hips began to thrust into him in a smooth rhythm. I was seconds away from coming right there with my pants on when I heard a clear voice from behind me.

  "You do not deserve him," it said. It was definitely phrased as a warning, and I broke the kiss and turned to see who was behind me. It was a woman's voice, but there was no one there.

  "Did you hear that?" I asked, turning back toward him.

  "Hear what?" I looked behind me again. The voice had been clearly audible and I absolutely couldn't believe there wasn't someone standing behind me. I had problems, but I wasn't the type of person who went around hearing voices.

  I had to assume it was just my inner voice, but geez, that was the most audible inner voice I'd ever heard.

  "What's wrong?" he asked.

  I stared at his chest. "Nothing—" My gaze shifted to his eyes.

  Hearing that voice changed my thinking in a way I couldn’t describe. I didn't know whether it was divine intervention or just my own good sense, but I was changed. Caleb and I were worlds away from compatible, and I knew that was an undeniable truth. I felt like my shame and iniquities could somehow rub off on him if I touched him any longer, so I got off his lap and stood up.

  "I have to go."

  "Why?" he asked, concerned and frustrated.

  "I can't let this happen, and I really don't feel like explaining why. I'm pissed and frustrated thinking about it myself, but that's just the way it has to be." I paused. "The gap's just too big to cross."

  "What the hell does that mean?" he asked.

  "I mean you know what kind of person I am. I don't do normal relationships. Unless, of course it's some kind of business arrangement you want. I don't do that anymore, but I don't blame you if that's—"

  "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" he said. "Did you really just say that, Jovi. That's ridiculous. Your past isn't who you are. It doesn't define you."

  "Mine sort of does," I said. "There are just some things you can't get back."

  "I've heard you say that before and it's just not the truth." He stood next to me looking down at me. "If you're feeling weird about kissing or whatever, we don't have to do anything." He held his hands out as if he was surrendering. "I don't care if we don't sleep together, Jovi. God knows I'm good at holding out."

  The thought of perfect little Rose and her virgin ways made me even more convinced that I had to leave. I gave him a truly regretful expression. "I just heard a voice say out loud that I don't deserve you. And the worst part isn't even that I'm hearing voices—it's that the voice was mother fuckin' right."

  He looked like he wanted to interrupt me to assure me that I deserved him, but I stopped him with a hand in the air. "I am a whore Caleb. I literally exchanged sex for money. I fucked a lot of guys, and guess what? You're older than me and you've never fucked a girl in your life." He flinched, but I went right on talking. "Your whole family has Bible names and goes to church on Sunday. I'm named after a rock singer, my mom died from an overdose. This situation might be romantic for a few seconds, but I promise you won't want to settle down with a girl like me." I stopped talking and stared at him with such confidence that even I was starting to be convinced. "Do yourself a favor. Save it for someone else."

  I turned to leave but he caught me by the shoulder. "Jovi, I know what you've been through, what you've done, and I don't care. I want you."

  "What if I have AIDS?"

  He looked at me as if the thought had never crossed his mind, which proved just how naïve he was.

  "Do you?"

  "No, I always used a condom. Plus, I got tested when the state of New York gave me a physical. That's not the point though. Me and you—it's just not right. It's not a good thing. Even if you think you're okay with it now, you would start to resent my past experience. I don't deserve you and that's all there is to it."

  I snatched my arm out of his hand and turned for the door.

  "Jovi, don't lea—"

  The tears were already starting to well up in my eyes when I turned back to face him. "Don't," I said, cutting him off while still making my way to the door. "Don’t try to be nice. It's better that this happened now rather than later when feelings are involved."

  "Feelings are already involved," he said.

  "No they're not," I said, pointing at him, daring him to say more. It was impossible for me to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks.

  I kept thinking about the voice I had heard and knew I had to do this. "Just so you know, I'm really flattered and honored that you would even give me the time of day. You're an amazing guy and if I was practically anyone else, I would jump on the chance to give this a shot."

  "This is so fucked up."

  I gave him one last sad smile. "Bye Caleb."

  He just stared at me, shaking his head almost imperceptibly. He was pissed, but I wasn't about to let myself get wrapped up in the idea of having him when I knew it was temporary. I liked him too much for temporary, and I was actually pretty proud of myself recognizing that and having the guts to end it before I got in too deep. Silent tears ran down my face as I went down the stairs to my car. I was in a state of delirious sadness and hardly remember getting on the highway.

  Chapter 13

  Ten minutes before I got home, a call came in from Esther. I thought about ignoring it, but thought maybe Caleb had told her about trying to make something happen with me, and she was calling to try to talk me into giving him a chance. I guess somewhere deep down I wanted things to work between us, so I picked up the phone.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey Jovi, do you have a minute
?"

  I could hear the concern in her voice.

  "Yeah, I'm just driving. What's up?" I got really nervous waiting to hear if she'd say something about Caleb.

  "I think you should know that Sidney Blake was at the baseball game tonight saying all sorts of crazy stuff about you. She said her mom found out on Facebook through your aunt or something. She repeated it like five times to different people. I was right there and could hear everything, and she knows we're friends. Finally, I got fed up with it and told her to shut her trap, but you should know that she's spreading a pretty vicious rumor about you." Esther was silent for a second before continuing. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that, I just wanted you to be prepared that she told a bunch of people." She stopped talking again.

  I took a deep breath, feeling numb and confused and having no idea what to say. We were both quiet for a minute. "It's true," I finally said.

  "You don't even know what she said," Esther said. I could tell she thought it was horrible and didn't want to believe it, which made me sad.

  "Whatever it was, it couldn't be as bad as the truth."

  "It was bad."

  "It was probably the truth, Esther."

  "Oh my God, are you serious?"

  I let out a humorless laugh. "Well, I'm not exactly positive what she said, but let's just say you'd probably consider the truth shocking."

  "Is the truth that you were an underage prostitute before you came here?"

  "Yes." She whimpered as she drew in a breath, but was otherwise silent.

  "At first I was gonna tell everyone," I said, numbly. I was in shock and absentmindedly just spitting out the truth, "but your brother talked me into keeping it a secret. You know—like a fresh start. Anyway, I guess I sort of knew this would happen sometime. That's probably why I haven't really gotten close to anyone."

  "That's not true Jovi. You have a lot of friends at school and at Brady's."

  "Well not anymore."

  "Don't say that."

  "Don't act like people are gonna act the same to me, cause they're not. I shoulda just told everyone from the start. Now it seems like I'm a big liar—trying to be someone I'm not."

  Tears started streaming down my face again and I blinked them away to bring the road back into focus. "I'm actually relieved that it's out," I said, hoping my voice sounded like I wasn't crying.

  "Jovi, I can't believe that happened to you."

  "Don't feel sorry for me," I said. "We all make choices."

  "What are you gonna tell people if they ask?"

  "What's there to tell? They already know the truth."

  We were both silent before she said, "I'm sorry."

  "It's not your fault."

  "She said it was your aunt you were living with when… " She broke off, and I hesitated. I didn't really feel like talking about it.

  "I'm sure her story was straight. Everything you've said so far is the truth," I said, hoping she'd leave it at that.

  "Are you gonna be okay with all this?" she asked. She must have sensed my sadness because I could clearly hear the concern in her voice. And to think, I had hoped she was calling me to say her brother was in love with me and I should give him a chance. Shit. I'd be lucky if they even let me ride their horse now, much less date their son.

  "I'm fine. I expected this to happen." I said.

  Lies, lies, all lies.

  "Nothing's gonna change, Jovi."

  Seems she was lying too.

  "I'm fine," I repeated. I went into conversational autopilot for the next minute or so as we hung up the phone. I just did a lot of agreeing with the last few things she said when I was actually thinking about what a mess my life was about to become.

  It was just past eleven when I got home, and I was looking forward to locking myself in my room for the weekend. I wasn't even sure if I would come out on Monday. I was already having thoughts of getting my GED instead of finishing high school.

  Coleen and Earl were sitting in the living room when I came in. I expected them to be in their bedroom by now, and I felt frustrated at the prospect of holding a conversation with them on my way upstairs. "I'm pretty tired," I said as soon as I came in the door. I passed along the outside of the room so they couldn't get a close look at my tear-soaked cheeks.

  "Hey Jovi, can we talk to you for a second."

  "Sure," I said.

  "Pat Bridges called a few minutes ago and said there was a little girl at the ballgame tonight who was—"

  I cracked up laughing through my tears, unable to believe that two people who couldn't care less about gossip like Earl and Coleen would already have word on what happened at the high school baseball game.

  "She was telling everyone—"

  "She was telling everyone the truth," I said. "The same truth I should have told them all when I got here. It was ridiculous to think I could keep it a secret. I can't even believe it's been one this long. You guys and Caleb Cross should have never talked me into that."

  "I'm so sorry sweetheart," Coleen said, coming to stand closer to me. I showed her by backing up a step or two that I wasn't in the mood to be hugged.

  "I can't believe I almost made it till school was over. We only had six weeks left."

  "You'll be fine at school, sweetheart."

  I knew I'd be anything but fine. "It's always an option to get my GED," I said. "I might still finish at Hillsboro—I really haven't hashed all that out. That's what I was going up to my room to do.

  "Oh, don't quit now, Jovi," Earl said. "Just finish up."

  "Yeah, I'm not really in the mood to talk about it right now," I said. I found it hard to contain my tears. I ran up to my room, and thankfully, neither of them came after me.

  I obviously did a lot of soul searching that night. I was already spinning from reluctantly denying Caleb and then the whole school found out about my past. I was in absolute shock. My emotions were all over the map. I went from feeling relieved that everyone knew the truth, to ashamed that everyone knew the truth—back and forth like that continually.

  I listened to Jeff Buckley and other melancholy music all night, wishing I could turn back the hands of time and just tell everyone the truth from the beginning. I wanted to call Caleb and tell him how wrong he was for making me keep it a secret. I wanted to use any excuse in the book to call him, but I didn't. I knew I'd be doing the wrong thing if I contacted him. I seriously didn't know what to say or how to act. I thought about going next door to ride Cucumber, but had no idea what I would say to Ben and Bonnie Cross if they tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say to anyone.

  I was petrified of doing anything but staying in my room at Earl's. What would they think of me at Brady's? What would they think of me at school? Would they find out at the radio station? These types of thoughts are what led me to decide that I would go to school at Little Rock instead of Fayetteville the following year. I was so torn up by everything that I contemplated forgetting the idea of college altogether, but settled for switching to a different city.

  I stayed in my room for two days talking myself out of different bone-headed schemes I dreamed up to run from my shame—one of which was actually to run away with the circus. I had always thought of the circus as romantic and thought I might find myself a handsome trapeze artist or fire-eater or something. Either of which would be a better match for me than Caleb Cross the wealthy, handsome gentleman.

  I tried to avoid Earl and Coleen as much as I could that weekend. It was now Sunday afternoon. I had school the next morning, and I still had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to drag myself out of the house to show up for it. I went downstairs because I thought Earl and Coleen were out of the house, but Earl was sitting in the kitchen at the bar. "Coleen had one of those home jewelry parties to go to," he said, trying to make light conversation. "She said you could go with her, but I told her—"

  "Thanks," I said. "That's not my thing."

  There were a few seconds of awkward silence as I stared into the
fridge. "I guess I'm gonna go ahead and finish school since there's just six weeks left," I said, not looking at him.

  "That's smart," he said.

  "I want to go to Little Rock instead of Fayetteville next year for college, though, if you guys are still willing to help out with either."

  He seemed a bit confused by that. I had applied for both schools and been accepted to both, but Earl knew I was excited about continuing work at the radio station in Fayetteville.

  "I know that most of my classmates will go to Fayetteville, and I think I might be able to blend in a little better in Little Rock."

  It was a lie. I didn't think people in Fayetteville would give me trouble about my past anymore than people in Little Rock; I just didn't want to live in the same town as Caleb. He was the definition of temptation for me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to resist if he made another proposition like he made the other night.

  "We told you we'd pay for school as long as you got in-state tuition, so Little Rock's fine if that's what you want to do. I'm just glad you're still going. We kept waiting for you to come out of your room to tell us what you decided."

  "I'm over my past," I said. "It just sucks that I have to relive it through a bunch of idiots who just found out about it."

  "You should give people the benefit of the doubt, Jovi. People might not react how you're expecting."

  I appreciated the optimism even though I didn't think it was very likely anyone would surprise me.

  ****

  I was right. People were different toward me after that. They were very different. Coleen told me I was the one being awkward and that everyone she talked to was sympathetic to my story, but I kept my head down, and everyone just let me be.

  I went through the motions but mostly kept to myself during the next few weeks. I had a few people I'd come to think of as friends from high school and Brady's, and they all tried to be supportive, but I decided to say as little as possible. I never denied that all those things happened to me, but I never came out and told stories about it either.

  Earlier in the spring, I agreed to run the 400-meter on the track team. It wasn't something that took up a lot of my time, but between that, Brady's, and the radio station, the last two months of school flew by, and before I knew it, I was done with high school.