Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  He was exactly the creature I wanted to make love to. He was the one. He kissed me again, but I broke the contact long enough to reach out to the bedside table. I grabbed the condom and smiled as I handed it to him. He took it from me. He opened it and put it on so easily that it almost crossed my mind to be jealous. He hovered over me and leaned in to kiss my neck. I could tell he was hesitant to go too quickly, but I couldn't wait any longer.

  "I want you," I said. "Please give it to me." I knew it sounded desperate, but I was.

  He took his erection into his hand ran the tip of it up and down over my opening. I couldn't hold still. I pushed my hips toward him, encouraging him to cross the barrier. He smiled down at me as he did what I asked and pushed past my opening.

  "I'm going to push in the rest of the way," he whispered. "Tell me if I hurt you."

  In the next instant, he was fully buried inside me. I knew it because I could feel him bearing down on me. An uncontrollable flood of tears sprang to my eyes at the sensation. I could do nothing to stop them from falling out of the corners of my eyes and down my temples into my hair.

  Several of them escaped before he realized I was crying. He squinted down at me as if he must not be seeing things right. "Are you okay?" he asked.

  I nodded, but the tears continued to stream down my temples. He started to pull out, but before he could, I grabbed him by the backside and pulled him toward me to keep him in place.

  "What's the matter? Does it hurt?"

  I closed my eyes and nodded.

  Again, he moved to pull out of me and I held him securely in place.

  "You don't understand how happy I am that it hurts," I whispered weakly. "I can't believe it hurts. I was scared it would never hurt again."

  "Do you want to take it slow?"

  "No. It doesn't hurt in a bad way. It hurts good. It feels like the first time."

  "I thought it was your first time," he said. He sounded totally serious, and my eyes went up to meet his. We smiled at each other.

  "If I could go back and do it again—"

  He kissed me to shut me up. "We're here now," he said. "This is it. There's no going back."

  "I'm so glad it's you," I said. We were both still for a few seconds. The tears had stopped and I turned my head to each side, using the pillow beneath my head to wipe them from my face.

  "I'm going to move now," he said. "If it hurts, all you have to do is tell me." I nodded and he slowly and gently pulled out of me. Once he was almost out, I pushed my hips forward. Forcing him inside me again. Maybe it was because I was older now, or maybe it's because it wasn't a business arrangement, but he filled me in a way no other man had. It felt different.

  He entered me again and again. His rhythm was steady and my hips thrust forward to meet his every time. Our bodies were in sync, meeting each other with what felt like the perfect amount of force. His pressure and pace steadily increased, and I met him thrust for thrust. I wanted to become one with him so badly, and the way he answered me, the way he filled me, made me unable to contain myself any longer.

  I dug into his backside with my fingertips and pulled him inside me. I needed to have him buried securely in place. I needed pressure.

  "Stay in me," I said.

  Caleb pulled out one last time and then he planted himself inside me with relentless pressure. He stayed perfectly still bearing down on me. I tried to hold out, but it was impossible. I gave over to the ecstasy that had been calling me, losing myself in the hot rush of orgasm. I writhed and moaned and was absolutely out of my mind with it.

  Chapter 17

  I came back to my senses to the beautiful vision of Caleb Cross staring down at me with a sweet smile.

  I smiled back at him. "I wouldn't change a single thing about that," I said.

  His smile broadened as he gently pulled out of me. I shivered at how sensitive it felt down there.

  "Are you okay?"

  "Of course. Where are you going?"

  "Are you good to keep going?"

  I narrowed my eyes and cocked my head at him. "I'm not done till both of us are," I said. I smiled, taking in his gorgeous face. I cupped a hand around his jaw. "Just because I finished doesn't mean it stops feeling good to me." I lifted my eyebrows. "You never know—I might have two."

  He stared at me for several seconds, mostly looking at my mouth. Then suddenly, he was at my opening and pushed into me again.

  "Yes!" I whispered.

  He bent to put his mouth near my ear and he whispered, "Jovi, it's always been you."

  I closed my eyes and basked in the feel of our bodies as one. I had sex with a lot of men in the past, but I'd never made love the way Caleb made love to me that night. He whispered into my ear as he thrust into me again and again. He said things that made me believe he loved me—that he had since the day he met me. I didn't tell him so, but I felt the same way. I missed him tremendously and the comfort and relief I felt in his presence was amazing. We slept entangled in each other's arms. I'd never been so comfortable in my life.

  It was 11AM when we woke up. Jake was already awake. I knew that because it was his trip to the bathroom that woke me up. I liked to sleep naked, so the first thing I did when my eyes opened was search for clothes. I didn't notice Caleb was staring at me until I had already pulled a shirt over my head.

  "Oh, hey," I said.

  "Hey yourself," he said, smiling sleepily.

  So beautiful. Nope, still no regrets.

  "Jake's up and around," I said.

  "I hear him in there." Caleb sat up on the edge of the bed and stretched before retrieving his clothes from the foot of the bed. We took a second to get dressed before I crossed the room to open the door. I knew I wouldn't kiss or hug on him in front of Jake, and part of me wanted to kiss him again before we left the room. I didn't, though. I wasn't sure how he felt about everything we did last night, and I felt too embarrassed to bring it up.

  I opened the door and walked into the kitchen/living room area. I glanced back at Caleb on my way out and he gave me a curious glance. I couldn't help but feel like something needed to be said between us, but the light of day made last night seem distant and maybe even forbidden. He came out right behind me.

  Jake was sitting at my bistro table with a big bowl of cereal in front of him. I almost always ate cereal for breakfast, and had about six different varieties to choose from.

  "I hope you don't mind," he said as he chewed a mouth full of cereal.

  "Not at all," I said. I'd long-since gotten used to these southern people helping themselves to my things, and it didn't phase me at all.

  The first thing I did when my feet hit the floor every morning was make coffee. I had one of those single serve coffee makers, and I turned it on and made my own and then one for each of the guys. We were all three standing there with a mug in our hand when there came a knock on the door. The blinds were closed and I hadn't been able to see if anyone pulled up.

  I gave Caleb a shrug as I walked to the door. I'm not sure why I didn't assume it was him in the first place, but for some reason, Zack's face at the door came as a total shock.

  "Heyyyy," I said smiling and trying to look natural. My heart was beating at about three times its normal rate, and I knew I was doing a terrible job of remaining calm. "Heyyy," I repeated numbly as he walked past me and into the room.

  I watched as Zack realized my friends from high school had stayed the night at my apartment. His expression was comically confused as he looked at me. "What are they doing here?"

  I smiled and tried to appear nonchalant. "Oh, they were planning on driving back home last night after the show. It's a two-hour drive and it was 2AM, so I told them they could crash here."

  Zack looked around the apartment. "Where'd they sleep?" he asked.

  "Out here," I said. I gestured to the couch with a flick of the hand. "I thought you'd be at the park already," I added, hoping to change the subject. I was sick with nerves, and would have done just about anything to get
Zack to leave right then.

  "I'm on my way," he said. "I thought I'd come by to see how the show went."

  "It was great. I'm glad I went."

  Zack went to my coffee pot and started operating it like he owned the place. I was alarmed at my inability to stop the situation, but I had no idea what to do. When Zack turned to focus on the coffee, I looked at Caleb with a helpless expression that he just answered with a confused scowl. He threw his hands in the air behind Zack's back and looked at him as if to say, "are you serious right now?"

  I gave him a pleading expression and then glanced at Jake to see that he was just watching the whole thing with curious interest.

  "If they're leaving, you can just ride with me up to the park," Zack said, turning around.

  "Okay," I said.

  Caleb looked at me like I was out of my mind. And I gave him a wide-eyed stare back. I didn't know what he expected me to do! He couldn't expect me to tell Zack the truth right there at the drop of a hat, could he?

  "You guys were leaving anyway, weren't you?"

  "Yeah," Jake said, going along with the story, thank God.

  Caleb just stood there and stared at me with disappointment. Jesus, did he really expect that I'd stand here and own up to everything we did last night to my freaking fiancé? Couldn't he understand that was easier said than done? I tried to give him pleading expressions when Zack wasn't looking, but Caleb wasn't impressed with my efforts.

  Jake put his bowl into the sink. "Thanks for the cereal flakes, Jovi," he said. "I guess Caleb and I'll be heading out now, won't we Caleb?"

  Caleb just continued to stare at me.

  "I'm going to take a piss," Zack said. "I suspect y'all will be gone when I'm done. It was nice meeting you." Zack turned to walk to the bathroom.

  "Nice meeting you," Jake said. Caleb cut him the evil eye and Jake shrugged and smiled, being an annoying goofball.

  "Are you kidding me right now, Jovi?" Caleb asked as soon as Zack closed the bathroom door.

  "Are you kidding me?" I scoffed. "You're looking at me like you're expecting me to tell him I cheated on him last night."

  "Because that's what I'm motherfucking expecting you to do."

  "I can't do that."

  "Why not?"

  "Because I wasn't prepared for this kind of drama right now. I don't know how to handle it."

  He stared at me sadly. "I'm leaving now," he said.

  I didn't know what to do, so I let him. I wanted so badly to be with him, but I was too overwhelmed to process everything that quickly. There was a very good reason I wasn't with Caleb Cross. It was because I knew he would end up hurting me eventually. No matter what he said, I knew I wasn't the type of girl he would end up marrying, and at this point I wasn't willing to settle for anything less with him.

  "I want to talk to you about this," I said, as he walked out the door.

  He turned to me. "You can talk to me about it right now after you tell him to get lost."

  I stood in the doorway, giving him a pained expression. "Please understand how hard this is for me. I don't know what to do."

  "That's a lie. You know what you have to do and you're just too much of a coward to do it."

  Tears sprang to my eyes, and I knew I had to stop them, so I closed the door and let Caleb walk out of my life for what was probably the last time. I'd be a fool to think he'd give me another chance after I literally closed the door on him. I had no other choice, though. Tears were beginning to flow and I couldn't have that happening with Zack in the next room. I leaned against the door feeling sick to my stomach as I heard the sound of his truck engine start and then take off.

  What had I done? Oh my God what had I just done? Tears were rolling down my cheeks when Zack came out of the bathroom.

  "What happened to you?" he asked immediately.

  "Did they do something to hurt you?"

  "No, they just told me that Mrs. Miller died. She was the sweetest old lady." I didn't even know a Mrs. Miller. It was the stupidest lie I'd ever told, but I was altogether stupid at the moment, so it was appropriate.

  "I'm sorry," Zack said. He picked up the mug and took a sip of his coffee. "Do you need to go to the funeral or anything?"

  I was so preoccupied with thinking of everything that had just transpired that I actually forgot what funeral he was talking about. I shook my head when I realized it was the fake Mrs. Miller he was referring to.

  "I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to the skate competition today," I said. I grabbed my stomach "I'm not feeling so good all of a sudden." It was true. I was sick with dread and heartache of everything I'd just done. I stared at Zack, wondering if I'd ever feel a fraction of the emotion toward him that I felt toward Caleb.

  "Are you hung over?"

  "No. I didn't even drink at the show. I think I'm just sick."

  "Come on. You'll feel better once you get dressed."

  I listened to him and went to the competition only because I was too numb and dumbstruck to make my own choices. I spent the day in an absolute state of shock and delirium. I had full conversations with people that I barely remembered and a few I didn't remember at all. I had a split second to make a decision this morning, and I couldn't help feeling like it was the wrong one. I thought it might just be the worst decision of my life and I was absolutely sick with regret the whole day.

  ****

  Zack won the competition.

  I was emotionless about it except for the fact that it made him in a really good mood, which took some pressure off of me. He was planning on going out with some other skaters that night and he assumed I would come along, but I told him I still wasn't feeling well and wanted to go on home.

  I cried myself to sleep thinking about Caleb and Zack and wondering if I'd ever really know what the right decision was. To me, Zack was a sure thing. I didn't feel like I would lose him when he found someone better. Caleb, however, was more of a gamble. There were much better women than me for him, and I had no doubt that they would make their way to him somehow.

  I was hopeless and heartbroken all night, and when I finally woke up from my restless sleep, I text my friend Marsha from KROC.

  Me: "Hey, can you meet me for coffee?"

  Marsha: "Sure. You okay?"

  Me: "Yeah, I just need a little advice."

  Marsha: "Don't know if I can help, but happy to try."

  Me: "Thanks. Starbucks on Main in thirty minutes?"

  Marsha: "You got it."

  Thirty minutes later, I pulled up at Starbucks. Marsha was already there. She drove one of those new VW Beetles, and I saw it in the parking lot when I pulled up.

  "What happened to you?" she asked, attacking me with a hug when I walked in the door.

  "That's what I wanted to talk to you about," I said, offering her an attempt at a reassuring smile.

  "I already ordered for us," she said. She took me by the shoulder and led me to the end of the coffee bar. Our drinks were the next ones up and we took them and found a spot on a nearby couch.

  "Thanks for the coffee," I said.

  "Of course." She settled in next to me and put her purse on the table in front of us. "You've got to tell me what's going on."

  "I feel like I'm losing my mind right now," I said, honestly. She just nodded as she waited for me to continue. "Do you remember those guys we ran into the other night at Theo's? The ones I went to high school with?"

  Marsha shook her head and smiled. "I knew something was going on with you and him," she said.

  "Who?" I asked.

  "The guy you ran into the other night."

  "I ran into two guys," I said, a little defensively.

  "Yeah, but it was obvious which one you were looking at. The one with the longer hair."

  "I was not," I said. I sounded like a fifth grader, but I honestly couldn't remember flirting with him at Theo's and hated that she knew I was.

  She smiled. "Okay, whatever you say, but what were you saying about the guys you ran in
to?"

  I stared at her, trying to get my thoughts in order. "You're right," I said. "It was the one with the longer hair. His name's Caleb Cross."

  Tears welled up and one ran down my cheek.

  "Did he do something to hurt you?" she asked angrily.

  "No." I said. I wiped the tear, reprimanding myself internally for being such a big baby.

  Chapter 18

  "He's been my ultimate crush since my senior year in high school. I guess I just never could let go of the idea of him. His family lives next to Earl and Coleen," I said.

  "Are you talking about the guy with the horse? Because you've mentioned him before."

  "I have?"

  "Yes. The one who plays baseball in Fayetteville?"

  I regarded her like she was a bloody mind reader.

  "You've talked about him more than once you freak-a-zoid, but anyway. What happened? Did he try to hit on you the other night?"

  I laughed humorlessly. "I let stuff happen between us," I said.

  Marsha understood what I was saying and grasped the importance of it since I wasn't currently having sex with my fiancé. "Were you drunk?"

  I paused. "No."

  "Well, do you regret it?"

  I paused again. "No."

  "What's that mean for you and Zack?"

  "I don't know. That's why I called you here. I'm so confused I don't even know which way is up."

  "Is that other guy trying to be with you?"

  "His name is Caleb, and I think he was, but he's definitely not anymore since I totally acted like nothing happened between us when Zack came over the morning after and almost caught us red-handed."

  Marsha covered her slack-jawed mouth with a hand. "Oh snap, are you serious?"

  "Yes."

  "What'd you do?"

  "I just acted like Caleb slept on the couch the whole night. They were gone within a minute of Zack coming over. I didn't know what else to do. It was such a freaking whirlwind."

  "Have you talked to him since then?"