Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

"Why does he get to have you?" he asked.

  I almost pretended I hadn't heard because the phrase sounded so glorious coming out of his mouth that I wanted to hear it again. Instead I just shook my head and tried to shrug it off.

  "I'm not kidding Jovi. I thought you were unlovable. Why does he get you?"

  I looked around with wide eyes as if to tell him this wasn't really the right place. "We can't really talk about this here," I said, yelling over the music.

  Caleb glanced at Jake who was making his way to the front of the stage for the headliner.

  "The subject's unavoidable. You told me you couldn't be with me because—" He hesitated. "I don't even know why the fuck you wouldn't be with me, and now I finally see you after thinking about you for three years, and you're getting married? And to some hipster, emo, thrasher, no less? That's messed up, Jovi. I'm way better for you than him."

  I smiled as if he was just trying to flatter me. I was replaying the part where he said he'd been thinking about me for the past three years. If there ever was a thing called first love it was what I experienced with Caleb. I had a ton of experience sexually with guys in my past, but Caleb was the guy who stuck with me. Thoughts of him had lessened slightly over the years, but they were most certainly not gone, and I doubted they ever would be. Because of this, I thought of him as my first love. That was something I would never tell him though since I knew it wasn't the same with him. He had been with Rose for a long time and she was definitely his first on a lot of things. Coleen told me that he'd been on and off with Rose during the past couple of years and I figured they had gone there sexually by now. I'm sure he assumed Zack and I had also. I didn't tell him otherwise.

  Kevin Gates was announced and he came out rapping with this deep, gravely voice and no other music. It was really dramatic, and Caleb and I both got caught up looking at the stage. He turned me by the shoulder so my back touched his chest.

  The bass kicked in behind the vocals. The lights were dim where we were standing, and I really didn't feel like breaking contact with him, so I relaxed into his arms like I'd been doing a few minutes before. My sexual urges were raging out of control. The arousal was near orgasm level and all we were doing was standing there swaying with the music. We stayed like that for Kevin's set which was about forty-five minutes. He ended it by jumping off the stage into the crowd and then disappearing. Everyone was left a little perplexed by the abrupt ending, and sort of just began to disperse as the house lights came up.

  I moved to put a few feet of space between us, feeling like I was just waking up from the haze I'd been in the whole time I was in his arms. I looked around, wondering if Matt or Jake had noticed us standing so close. Everybody was still looking confused about Kevin's sudden departure.

  "I think he's a genius," I said. "Leave them confused and wanting more."

  "I knew that was coming," Jake said, making his way back to us. "Come on, we gotta get going," he said, looking at Caleb and then his watch.

  "You guys aren't driving home, are you?" I asked.

  "It's not that far," Jake said. "If we leave now, we can get there before four."

  "Why don't you guys just crash at my apartment and drive home in the morning?" I asked.

  Caleb and Jake looked at each other, and then Caleb turned to me. "Do you live alone?" he asked.

  "Yes."

  He smiled and I gave him a warning glance that made him put his hands up in surrender.

  "So you'll come?" I asked.

  Caleb nodded as we headed for the door. He didn't reach out to touch me as we walked to the truck, which I only noticed because I spent the whole walk wishing he would. Several times, I had to keep myself from reaching out to touch him, but I knew what that would start.

  My apartment was the same one I lived in since I came to Little Rock. It was a tiny, one-bedroom place above someone's garage. I had a small couch in the living room and a twin bed in my bedroom.

  Zack and I had slept next to each other in my bed, so I knew it was possible, but I figured that would lead to things with Caleb, so my plan was to make him a pallet on the floor.

  "My apartment's little," I warned as we walked in.

  "I figured you could take the couch," I said, looking at Jake. I set my purse on the little bistro table I had set up in the kitchen. "It's tight in there, but we'll make it work," I said to Caleb. He responded with an almost imperceptible smile that had me blushing. "Do you want to take a shower?" I asked Jake.

  "I'm good," he said. He was already making himself at home on the couch. He kicked his shoes off and stretched out. "Yep, this'll do," he said. "I'll be fine out here," he said. "I'm just going to have my headphones in listening to music and playing Clash of Clans." He smiled and winked at Caleb.

  "It's not like that," I groaned as I walked off in the direction of my bedroom. Caleb followed me in there. "I'm taking a shower," I said. "If you plan on sleeping on the floor… I don't care what you do—but you're not getting in my clean bed in your dirty clothes." Okay, so it was incredibly awkward, but we both knew it was as close to an invitation as I'd deliver.

  He studied me with a curious smile that made me feel short of breath. "Jovi, did you just invite me into your bed?"

  "It's not like that," I said, throwing my hand into the air. "I just hate to see you sleep on the floor and good luck squeezing onto that couch with Jake."

  "You should have just let us drive home."

  "Would you rather go home?" I asked feeling injured.

  "No, I wouldn't." He smiled. "In fact, now that I know that the sleeping situation is what it is, I'm pretty sure I'm staying tomorrow night too. I might just move in."

  "Don't tease me like that," I said. I pulled the door closed and he moved to stand close to me.

  "Be careful," he warned.

  I found it difficult to breathe regularly when he was so near, and I thought I might need a distraction. "I'm gonna shower," I said. I turned to dig through one of my drawers. I saw a pair of Zack's boxers in there, and quickly used my own clothes to cover them up.

  Caleb and I took turns in the shower, each taking a few minutes before coming back to the bedroom. Jake seemed to be content to ignore us as promised. Caleb was the last to shower and came back into the room wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. I was stunned speechless, and he laughed as he closed the door behind him.

  "I didn't think you'd want me to put on my dirty clothes if you're so picky about me taking a shower. I don't want to lose my bed privileges."

  I just stared at his flawless male torso. He had broadened considerably over the last two years, and I thought it was no wonder it felt so good with him wrapped around me at the concert.

  "That's impressive," I said, pointing at him. He laughed and tossed his stack of clothes on the floor near the foot of my bed. He stretched out onto the bed, leaving me standing in the middle of the room staring at him. He reached out and pinched the fabric of my pajama pants, giving them a little tug.

  "I guess there's really no place else to sit," I said, making an excuse for myself. He turned on his side, leaning on one elbow, and I sat near his waist and shifted to look down at him.

  "I slept with a few girls," he said. My face must have shown how distasteful I found the news because he said, "You're the one who told me too."

  "That doesn't mean I want to hear about it," I said. I let my eyes roam over his perfect face, and he smiled up at me. "Rose?" I asked, even though I really didn't want to know.

  "Yes… and a few others."

  "Why are you telling me that?" I asked, feeling annoyed.

  "Because I did what you told me to do. I'm not so perfect now."

  "Don't say that. Yes you are."

  "I'm far from perfect, Jovi." He hesitated and started to say something but then changed his mind.

  "Don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked.

  "No."

  "Sounds like you had a few of them, though."

  "Don't give me grief. I'm not the one who's gettin
g married."

  "Caleb, he's better suited for me." I was basically pleading for him to understand and quit tempting me.

  "That's bullshit and I'm pissed at you for not seeing that. I'm no better than him."

  "Yes you are. You're way better than him." I knew that sounded bad coming from his future wife, but it was true. Caleb Cross was the definition of perfect. I shifted so I could see him more clearly. I had turned off the main light when he was in the shower, and the only light in the room was a tiny little nightlight I had plugged in. The shadows played on the lines of his face and body, making him literally irresistible.

  "Then leave him for me," he said.

  I don't know why, but for some crazy reason, I just couldn't make myself believe that someone like him would say that to someone like me. I felt that same sense of dread that I felt when we knew each other a few years ago—the one that told me I would only end up getting my heart broken by this guy.

  "Did you even hear me?" he asked.

  I was staring at his chest, trying to process how I felt. "I'm afraid," I said.

  "Of what?"

  I sighed. "Things that are unexplainable."

  "Try me."

  I stared into the depths of his dark eyes. "Caleb, I think I'm afraid of my own feelings for you."

  He laughed humorlessly. "That's ridiculous. What the hell does that even mean?"

  I ignored him because I didn't know how to answer. I kicked my legs onto the bed and pushed at him so he'd make room for me, and he scooted over, giving me as much space as he could in the tiny bed.

  Chapter 16

  I crawled into the bed next to Caleb. We were on top of the covers, but I nestled in beside him. "I want to be close to you," I said. It was an understatement. I wanted to peel back his skin and crawl inside.

  My voice was vulnerable, and he gripped me with one arm and pulled me close. I put my head on his chest and kicked one leg over his. It was an extremely compromising position, but I had no other choice. My body literally ached to touch his. It was almost as if I felt a magnetic force pulling me toward him. I let out a little laugh at the thought.

  "What?" he asked. I could feel the rumble in his chest when he spoke and I sighed.

  "Nothing. I was just feeling like I was stuck to you with glue."

  He laughed a little and paused before speaking again. "I'm not gonna bug you about your choices anymore Jovi, but you should be warned that I'm not going to refuse you anything tonight. I'll have whatever you're offering, so don't put it out there if you don't want me to take it."

  "It's been too many years for that kind of temptation," I said. I buried my head in his chest, unable to contain the giddy excitement that was suddenly coursing through my body at the mention of him taking whatever I was offering.

  "What's that mean, it's been too many years?"

  "I mean I haven't had sex in almost four years, and I have the equivalent of an underwear model next to me trying to say he's buying what I'm sellin—"

  "You're not having sex with that guy?" he asked. He picked his head up to look down at me, which made his muscles tense.

  I put a hand on his stomach to push myself up, but really it was because I wanted to touch him there. I sat up a little and looked at him. "No," I said.

  He tensed again, straining to look down at me. "You're not? You haven't?"

  I smiled at his obvious excitement.

  "No," I said, giggling.

  "You haven't done it at all since—"

  "Since New York."

  He couldn't contain a smile.

  "Why does that make you so happy?" I asked, resting my head on his chest again.

  "Because I don't want anyone else to have you."

  I let out a hopeless little laugh. "Too late for that," I said. "I was all used up a long time ago."

  He sighed. "I thought you were past all that shit," he said. "Didn't you have to get over it before you agreed to marry that dude?"

  "Not really because his family is as dysfunctional as mine."

  "Well, he's not the one who's here right now. I am. And I'd be fine with not mentioning him again."

  "Are you still taking anything I'm offering?" I asked. I was reluctant to do anything with him, and I knew I was being a tease by saying that, but I just couldn't help myself. He ran a hand up and down my arm gently, causing chills to shoot up my spine. I shivered and he hugged me closer to him. "You know what's crazy?" I asked.

  "What?"

  "I'm actually considering sleeping with you right now. That's how much of a weakness I have for you. He's been trying for six months and you're here for one night and I'm throwing my panties at you."

  His chest shook with silent laughter. "I don't remember any panty-throwing," he said.

  I smiled against his chest. "Consider them thrown."

  "Jovi, I'll say it again. I'm not gonna turn down anything you offer me tonight. I've wanted you too long for that."

  We were silent for a long minute. Wave after wave of desire washed over me as I imagined rubbing against him in a slow rhythm until our bodies melted into each other. I imagined the sensation of Caleb pushing himself inside me, and had to hold back a moan at the thought.

  "Caleb," I said, swallowing past the lump in my throat.

  "Yeah?"

  I stretched up so I could speak close to his ear. "I wish you would have been my first," I whispered.

  He squeezed me. "I thought this was your first time."

  "First in a long time," I said.

  "Those other ones don't count," he said. "I think this one's the real first."

  "You sound so sure that you're getting some," I said.

  "You're the one who said the panties were thrown."

  I smiled and reached up for a kiss. I wanted to kiss him so badly that I instantly opened my mouth to him, taking his lip into my mouth. He groaned and pulled me on top of him. We continued to kiss and it was obvious by how we both struggled to control our breathing just how badly we wanted one another.

  Without warning, he took my hand and placed it on his erection. I stopped kissing him and pulled back to look at him.

  "Whatcha got there?" I asked, smiling up at him.

  "You have no idea how much I want you," he said.

  "I think I have an idea," I said. I felt a constant wave of sexual electricity everywhere our bodies touched. "You have to use a condom," I added.

  I hated to cut to the chase like that, but I felt like I might burst if he didn't get inside me soon, and I needed to get some things out of the way. "And I don't have any."

  "I do," he said.

  I gave him a satisfied smile when deep down I was jealous that he was apparently ready for action. He went to the foot of the bed, grabbed the condom from his wallet, and tossed it on to the bedside table.

  "I feel like I should give you one last opportunity to—"

  I figured he was going to say, "back out," so I responded by sitting up on the bed and taking my shirt off. He stopped and stared at me slack-jawed. I decided to go ahead and shed the pants while I was at it. I stood up and pushed the pants down over my hips. I let them fall to a pool at my feet and I stepped out of them and sat on the bed again.

  I stretched out onto my side, letting him get an eyeful. I was wearing lacy boyshort panties but nothing else. He smiled as he looked me over. "You have no idea how glad I am that this is happening right now," he said.

  "Oh I think I'm more glad than you." I said with a challenging smile.

  He smiled back. "Prove it," he said.

  I sprang off the bed and grabbed him, pulling him on top of me. We hit the bed with a thud and I giggled as we bounced. He caught my laugh with his kiss, and I gripped the hair at his temples to make him kiss me harder.

  I was absolutely desperate for him—hopelessly, desperate. He let his body lay heavy on mine, and I wiggled and squirmed with delight under the pressure.

  "I can't stop touching you," I said in between kisses. I ran my hands up his ribs and dow
n his back then onto his arms and down the length of them. My body was so hungry for him that I felt mad with it. I continued to use my hands to explore his beautiful body. I was starving for him. If I knew a way to devour him I would have. He pushed his hips into my upper thighs, letting me feel the pressure of his solid erection. I was so overjoyed to be in my current situation that I looked up at him with a huge grin.

  "I'm not gonna regret this at all," I said

  "Me neither," he said. He leaned down to kiss me, and I kissed him back with all the passion I'd been holding onto for the past three years. Again and again his tongue dipped into my mouth. If it's possible to be branded with a kiss, then that's what he was doing. He kissed me like he had something to prove, and I opened up to him in a way I'd never opened up to anyone else.

  The kiss alone was enough to convince me I had something magical with Caleb. That's what it was. Magic. The sensations he caused on my nerve endings were proof enough. I felt like I could shoot lightning out of my palms.

  I broke the kiss.

  "Caleb," I said—my voice weak with desire. "I want to feel you inside me."

  I'd never wanted something so badly in my life. I felt like I wanted to grow claws and rip off our underwear to expedite things.

  He smiled. "That's convenient because I was just thinking that inside you was exactly where I wanted to be." He kissed me again as he thrust his hips into mine.

  I let out a frustrated moan. "Too many cloooothes," I said.

  He was smiling as he rolled over long enough to get his boxers off. I pulled my panties off as well, and seconds later we were sprawled out next to each other without a stitch of clothing to our names.

  "I should have known you'd have tattoos," he said.

  I looked up at him, concerned. "Do you like them?"

  "Of course I do," he said. He pulled back to scan the length of my body.

  "What's not to like about this?" I felt self-conscious about my body. There was a time when I was really confident, but I hadn't been so exposed to a guy in years. Zack had seen bits and pieces of my body, but never had I been so vulnerable like this. Funny thing was, I was so desperate to have my skin on his, that clothes weren't really an option. I couldn't keep my hands still. I gently ran my fingertips down his ribs, around his backside and down the back of his thigh.