Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  My shoulders slumped. I thought for sure he would pick up, and it hurt my feelings that he didn’t.

  I decided to text him.

  Me: "Hey, where are you?"

  It was ten minutes later when a text came in, and by that time I was just about ready to pack everything and abort mission.

  Caleb: "I'm at my mom's. What's up?"

  Me: "I was hoping we could talk."

  I was shaking as I pressed send. I felt like rejection was imminent and I was already sort of sad, expecting it.

  It took him a minute to text me back.

  Caleb: "What's there to say?"

  That was deserved, but it wasn't a full-on rejection. I smiled as I text back thinking I might still have a chance.

  Me: "There's so much to talk about. Please say you'll see me."

  I waited for at least three minutes, feeling fairly certain that he was trying to torture me by not texting back right away. I deserved it, but it still sucked waiting to get his response. I finally gave up and text him back.

  Me: "Let me start with I'm sorry. Please just say you'll talk to me."

  Caleb: "I'm listening."

  Me: "Will you let me tell it to you in your ear?"

  A minute passed, and I wanted to strangle him for making me wait.

  Caleb: "Are you coming up here for Christmas?"

  Me: "I'm here now.

  Caleb: "Where?"

  Me: "I'm back in the barn."

  Caleb: "My barn?"

  I rolled my eyes wishing he would just run out there and take me into his arms already. I wish there was a button I could push to just help us skip ahead to the happily ever after, but unfortunately there wasn't. We had to get through all the shit first.

  Me: "Yes. Will you please come out?"

  Caleb: "Be there in a minute."

  My stomach dropped.

  I couldn't believe he was on his way out there. I pulled one of Coleen's white lifesavers from the bag and chewed it. I made sure the stall was in order before I made my way to the front of the barn where he'd be coming in. I took the lantern with me.

  I was halfway down the main hall when the stark white of the barn's overhead lights turned on. The change was shocking, and I squinted into the light.

  "Turn it off!" I yelled.

  I paused in my tracks and waited for the lights to go off again. I couldn't see the door he'd come in through, but I assumed it was Caleb. He must have heard me because the lights turned off a few seconds later.

  "Jovi?" he yelled. "What are you doing out here in the dark?"

  I walked toward the door, and when I rounded the corner I could clearly see his dark outline. The nightlight by the door was barely enough to see by. He squinted into the darkness, and I could tell when he first saw me. I could see him smile a little even though he was trying to keep a straight face.

  I steadily approached and the closer I got to him, the more we could make out the features of each other's faces. He was still trying not to smile which made my heart hurt.

  "I have a spot where we can go," I said. My voice was tentative and vulnerable just like I was right then.

  He stared at me with an unreadable expression and I ached to see him smile again.

  I stuck my hand out and let it hover in the air a foot in front of him. "Don't leave me hanging," I said. There were a few seconds of tense silence, but he finally put his hand in mine. I pulled him behind me, and we made our way past the horses and into the secret stall. It looked pretty good in there considering it was a barn and I'd decorated it in the dark—pretty inviting, actually.

  "What's all this?" he asked coming to stand next to me in the stall. He looked down at the comfortable pile of blankets. "Did Earl and Coleen kick you out?" he asked.

  I smiled at him as I set the lantern down. I appreciated a little humor right then. I didn't answer his question since it was a joke anyway. Instead, I just looked at him with the most sincerity I could get across.

  "I am so sorry about what I did the other morning," I said, staring into his eyes. "You mean more than that to me, and I should never have closed the door on you like that."

  We stood about three feet apart in the middle of the stall. The candles and lantern were all lit, and the way the shadows danced across his face was completely mesmerizing.

  He didn't speak right away, so I continued.

  "I'm not with Zack anymore." I breathed a sigh. "I know that doesn't really change the way I treated you, but I wanted you to know." I stared into his eyes, which were as black as midnight in the dim light.

  We were both quiet for a minute.

  I felt like I might go insane if he didn't say something, but I just sat there and waited.

  "I don't want you if I can't have it all," he said. "I can't stand to see you with someone else. I felt like I wanted to kill that guy the other day."

  "I know. I want to kill Rose too."

  Caleb breathed a laugh before regarding me with a serious expression. "As good as it was the other night, I'm not trying to just sleep with you," he said. He glanced down at the pallet as if he knew that's what it was for.

  I shook my head letting him know that's not what I wanted either.

  He moved to stand closer to me and leaned in so his face was only about a foot from mine. "Every time I get close, you run away."

  "I know. I'm sorry," I whispered.

  "I'm not doing that shit again, Jovi. You brought me back here because you say you wanted to talk. I only want to talk about one thing. I only want one thing, and that's you—all of you. So if that's not why you brought me back here, if that's not what you're offering, then you're wasting your time. I'm not gonna fuck you on this blanket and then watch you go have Christmas with your boyfriend."

  Something about the way he used that profanity in that setting made me want to throw myself at him, but I refrained. "He's not my boyfriend. I already told you I took care of that. I should've done it the other morning. I was overwhelmed, that's my only excuse. I'm sorry I made you leave. It should've been the other way around. He should've been the one to go. I don't know what to say other than I'm terrified of you Caleb. I always have been."

  "And you don't think I'm scared? Love is scary. That's what makes it fun."

  "How'd you know?" I asked, smiling.

  "How'd I know what?" he asked.

  "That I love you."

  "Oh you do?" he asked. The ghost of a smile touched the corner of his mouth, which egged me on. I took my fingertips and ran them dramatically down my head and arms and chest. "Every little piece of me loves you Caleb Cross. I love you so much that I'm terrified of it."

  He stepped closer to me and leaned down to whisper near my ear. "Don't say that anymore. After this day, you're no longer scared of me hurting you, okay? No more running."

  I nodded and bit at my lip. He put an arm around the small of my back to draw me in for a hug, and my legs literally gave out from underneath me as I collapsed into his arms.

  Chapter 20

  I put my head on his chest and closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth and the pulsing of his heart.

  "Are you gonna tell your parents we're dating?" I asked. It was an honest question. Their reaction was the most terrifying thing about dating Caleb. I did not want to face the rejection of his parents warning him against me—judging me for my past. He pulled back and stared down at me with a curious, almost disbelieving expression.

  "Are you being serious?"

  "Yes," I said.

  He used both hands to grab me by the face, and he forced me to look into his eyes. I could clearly see how serious and sincere he was. "Jovi, listen to me. You've seriously got to get over thinking you don't deserve me, or your lesser than me, or whatever it is you're thinking. Look at me. Why are you crying? Look at me baby. Of course I'm going to tell my parents we're dating. I can't believe you actually considered that I wouldn't. I'm sorry that's where you're at right now, but you know what? You're wrong. You have nothing to be afraid of."

>   I blinked and one last tear rolled down my cheek. He stepped back far enough to take me in, looking me over carefully from head to toe and back again.

  He smiled. "You look hot right now."

  I narrowed my eyes at him. "When do I not look hot?" I asked. I turned around and stuck my butt out in a playful pose. He stepped toward me, grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into his arms. In one fluid motion he ducked to kiss me on the neck, which drew a moan from me.

  "Oh God Caleb, I thought you wouldn’t forgive me. I thought I'd lost you."

  He pulled back to inspect my face. "I'm not prepared to lose you again, Jovi."

  "You won't."

  "No more leaving—even if you're scared."

  I shook my head. "No more leaving."

  Caleb stared at me for a few seconds before smiling and stepping back. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the ground.

  "What are you doing?" I asked giggling.

  He kicked off his shoes and unbuttoned his jeans, sliding them down his muscular thighs before stepping out of them. "I'm getting comfortable. I'd hate to see this nice bed go to waste. I assumed you went to all this trouble because you wanted me to fuck your brains out back here, and I'm not trying to disappoint."

  I squealed and covered my ears in embarrassment and he cracked up as he climbed onto the pallet. He peeled back the quilt that was on top, leaving three on the bottom for cushion. It looked really comfortable. He situated himself onto his elbow and looked up at me like he was expecting me to do a little dance. "I like this set-up," he said looking around the cozy stall. I pointed to the door. It was only about four feet tall, short enough that animals could peek their head in. I assumed we were alone, but still felt exposed since the doorway was half-open.

  "I feel like somebody's gonna walk in on us."

  "Nobody's coming back here," he said, "and if they did, the first thing they would do is turn on the light."

  "I feel really terrible about the other day," I said. "Do you forgive me?"

  "Yes I forgive you and that's all we're going to say about it. I don't like to think about it. We probably both have a few things we wish we could take back."

  I looked down at him. "Why did I deprive myself all these years?" I asked.

  He shook his head. "I'm pissed you did that," he said. "And I’m about to take it out on you when you get in here."

  I laughed. "Oh you are?" I asked. It sounded like I was challenging him, but I thought it was hot that he'd talk like that in the first place.

  I saw him wiggling around under the covers, and all of a sudden his arm came out and he tossed his boxers at me. I caught them in mid air and stretched them out in front of me to inspect. "Where'd these come from?" I asked, dryly.

  "I found them in here."

  "Oh yeah? What were they doing?"

  He smiled. "They were restricting my hard penis," he said.

  "Oh, so you just decided to remove them?"

  He nodded. "Do you want to come feel for yourself how hard this thing is? You'd be sympathetic for why I needed to take them off if you'd just reach in here and feel this." I smiled and moved to sit on the edge of the pallet, but didn't pull the cover back. I leaned over him and put my hand near his groin. I felt it immediately. His hard-on was resting on his hip and I used the palm of my hand to gently run up the length of it one time.

  "That's pretty convincing," I said. "After considering the evidence, I could see how those were restricting." I leaned over him, and whispered in his ear. "I was thinking maybe you owed me a few for the other day—and maybe for a few years ago."

  "Owe you a few what?"

  "You know. Licks."

  He pulled back to regard me. I could tell from his expression that he was wondering if I had some unhealthy need for punishment or something. It wasn't that at all. I just thought it'd be fun.

  "You don't have to. I just thought it'd be fun," I said shyly.

  One corner of his mouth raised in a smile. "Do you want me to give you a few licks?" he asked.

  I nodded and his smile broadened.

  "You'll be lucky if a few licks is all you get after that shit you pulled the other day."

  I bit my lip and looked down ashamed.

  "Look at me," he said. My gaze shifted to him and we shared a wordless exchange that had me panting with desire. He stood up and crossed to the door where a bunch of tack and supplies were hanging on hooks. He took a leather riding whip off and gripped the handle in his right hand. He turned to face me, but didn't move from his spot by the door. He cupped one hand around his package, and the other kept a firm grip on the whip. "Take off your clothes, Jovi."

  I stood up and began to unbutton my shirt. It only took me about three seconds to shed it and toss it to the ground.

  "Slow down," he said. I slowed my pace, taking my time with every piece of clothing. I had on a matching black bra and panties set that I wore just for him.

  "Stop right there," he said when I was down to the bra and panty set. "Now turn around and put your hands against the wall."

  I did as he said, arching my back to invite him to inspect my booty. I wanted to be spanked, and it made it even better that I felt like I deserved it a little. I was slightly nervous about Caleb accidently hurting me, but I knew I could trust him. I wondered if he was enjoying this little game or if he was just playing along for my sake. I told myself he was enjoying it and hoped it was true.

  He walked up behind me and ran the tip of the whip up the outside of my thigh and onto the curve of my bottom. I arched my back even further, letting him know that I enjoyed it. Then suddenly there was a whooshing sound followed by a cracking noise as the leather whip hit my bottom.

  I closed my eyes and studied the sensation.

  He hit me with the perfect amount of force. It was enough to sting and make me feel like I'd made some sort of retribution, but nowhere near hard enough to really hurt me.

  I smiled back at him.

  "What are you smiling at?" he asked. "You're no where near done."

  "How many more do I get?" I asked.

  "Five," he said. "I'm putting three on each side, but you better be quiet because you're gonna make me lose count and I'll have to start over."

  I smiled and turned around shyly. Everything about Caleb was exactly what I wanted. He was the one who knew me without even trying. The situation couldn't have been better for me. Six little stingers were exactly what I wanted, and by the time he was finished delivering them, I was absolutely insane with desire. I stayed still with my hands against the wall even though I wanted to turn around and pounce on him.

  "Stay like that," he said. He hung up the whip and returned to the pallet crawling under one blanket as he'd done before. He propped up on his elbow and looked at me.

  "Can I move?" I asked.

  "If it's in this direction," he said.

  I removed my hands from the wall and shifted to look at him. "Am I invited in there with you?"

  "As long as you know you're mine after that."

  "I thought I was yours already."

  He smiled "You are."

  I took a second to slip out of my bra and panties before gently pulling back the cover and snuggling in next to him. "I know it's cheesy or whatever, but I can't help but feel like you're my exact counterpart—like we belong together."

  "That's what I've been trying to tell you all this time."

  "I'm sorry I didn't get it."

  "At least you do now."

  I stretched out along Caleb's side, relishing the feel of his skin on mine. I was scared I'd never feel that again, and relief and thankfulness flooded me.

  "I don't have any condoms," he said.

  "I brought some."

  Before I could get too comfortable, I sprang up and crossed to the room, digging in the canvas bag. I came out with a handful of four or five condoms before crossing back to the pallet. I tossed them on the ground next to the top of the pallet and Caleb looked at them with a smile. He held th
e cover open for me and I crawled inside. I settled in next to him again. The thought of the licks he delivered moments ago crossed my mind. I relived the sting and felt a surge of desire hit me at the memory. I shivered and squirmed a little thinking about it.

  "What are you squirming around for?" he asked.

  I stretched up to whisper in his ear. "I was just thinking about you," I said. It was the truth even though I didn't give him all the details. I nibbled and sucked on his earlobe after I said it. "I'm finding it hard to think of anything else," I added.

  "Well let me tell you what happens to me when I think about you." He took my hand and placed it directly on top of his rock-hard piece. There was no fabric separating it from my hand, and I closed my fist around it.

  "I know what you can do with that," I said.

  "Oh you do?"

  "Yes I do," I whispered in his ear. I nipped and licked at it again and he thrust upward into my hand.

  "What did you have in mind?" he asked.

  "I thought maybe you could take it and put it here." I took his hand in mine just as he'd done with mine and I put it in the sensitive area at the top of my thighs. I used my hand to push his into me and I ground into his fingers.

  "Oh, is that where you want it?" he asked.

  "Yes," I answered weakly. I wanted it so bad I could barely wait another second.

  "This right here?" he asked. He gripped my pubic bone and gave it a squeeze. I wanted him so bad that I whimpered and my hips left the ground trying to make him go deeper.

  "Shit, Jovi I want to be inside you right now."

  "Do it," I said breathlessly.

  He stared at me and I stretched to whisper in his ear again. "Please," I begged.

  Caleb had a condom on within seconds. He pulled me on top of him and I straddled him on my hands and knees. He stretched his arms above his head indicating that he was just going to lay back and enjoy himself. Without using my hands, I dipped my hips down and let my core rub against him. It was easier than I thought to line it up just right to push him inside of me without either of us using a hand to guide it in. I had to do a little maneuvering to line it up, but once I had his tip at my opening, I just pressed down onto him and took him in.