First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  “Don’t leave me.”

  “Never.”

  She let go, unwillingly, and he lowered her to the bed but kept hold of her hand.

  “What’s her name?” the nurse asked.

  “Beth. Elizabeth Carlyle.”

  “And yours?”

  “Nick Hammond.”

  “Nicholas? With a C-H or C-K?”

  He nodded. “C-H.”

  “Middle initial?”

  “Hers, A. Mine, W.”

  “We’ll get the rest of the information after we’re done.”

  The doctor arrived to take over but glanced first at Nick. She said something to him, and he responded, but numbness was starting to set in, and he couldn’t comprehend any of it. When the nurse asked him to come with her so she could attend to his injuries, he shook his head.

  “I’m fine. I can’t leave her.”

  “We need to examine her, and we also need to talk to her. I’m not sure how much she’ll be willing to say in front of you.”

  He glanced between Beth and the doctor and figured Beth needed some privacy right now, so he squeezed her hand and promised he’d be close by before he followed the nurse into the neighboring exam room. While she gathered the necessary supplies, she questioned him about the attack.

  “Do you know him?”

  Nick nodded but didn’t offer any other information, and she didn’t ask, instead turning her attention to treating his cuts. The one on his cheek wasn’t bad, and neither were the ones on his knuckles, but they stung when she cleaned them, and he winced. She started to bandage them, but they really didn’t need it, so he asked that she leave them alone.

  She acquiesced and asked, “Any other injuries?”

  “My shoulder’s a little sore, but it’s probably just bruised.”

  “Let’s take a look at it anyhow. You probably don’t feel it as much with all that adrenaline as you would otherwise.”

  He unbuttoned his plaid shirt and carefully peeled it off, cringing when his shoulder complained. When he pulled his T-shirt over his head, he gasped as the joint wailed in protest. There was some noticeable swelling and the first bloom of bruising. The nurse prodded all around his shoulder and asked him to describe exactly how he’d hurt it and what the pain felt like. She asked him to test the shoulder’s range of motion, and as he did, he noticed a peculiar looseness in the joint. Great.

  “Have you ever dislocated your shoulder?” she asked.

  “Freshman year of high school during a wrestling match.”

  “Dr. Phillips will take a look at it as soon as she’s finished with Beth, but in the meantime, do you need anything for the pain?”

  He shook his head. “No. I just want Beth to be okay.”

  “While we’re waiting for Dr. Phillips, I’m going to ask you some more questions about the attack, all right?”

  He nodded.

  “You said you know the attacker. Do you know his name?”

  At first, he was hesitant to answer. “I don’t know how much she wants me to say.”

  “It’s okay. This is all strictly confidential and will only be divulged if she chooses to report the rape.”

  Nick eyed her for a moment, then said, “Trey Holt. He’s a… he used to be a friend.”

  “Does Beth know him?”

  “They’ve been dating for a year or so, and we’ve known him since high school.”

  “You said you heard her scream?”

  “Yes. We’d agreed to go over each other’s papers for class, and I was trying to print mine when I heard her scream. I ran downstairs. The door was locked, so I broke it down… and….”

  “You saw him raping her?”

  Nodding again, he closed his eyes and tipped his head back, trying to quell the nausea that swirled as he recalled that moment yet again. How many times would he relive it tonight? He described everything that had happened from the moment he’d heard that indistinguishable sound over his printer and music to carrying Beth out of the bathroom.

  “Where is Trey now?”

  “He was gone by the time we headed for my truck. I don’t think I hurt him that bad… but I don’t know. All I could think of was getting her away from him. I didn’t pay much attention to him after he stopped fighting back.”

  Nick dropped his head into his hands as tears threatened. When he thought about how differently things might have turned out had he not been delayed, they spilled over. Could he have saved Beth from this trauma? “I should have gotten there sooner. If my printer hadn’t jammed, I might’ve….”

  “It is not your fault, and it isn’t her fault.”

  On the verge of completely breaking down, he looked up at the nurse. “What can I do for her now? The damage is done.”

  “You can start by doing just what you are. Be there for her. She’s probably going to want to shy away from everything that reminds her of the rape, so try to help her get back into a normal routine as quickly as possible. Also, even if she doesn’t want to do it, reporting the rape might help her regain some sense of control over what happened. Don’t push her, though. She needs to make the decision on her own.”

  There was a knock at the door, and a moment later, it swung open. Beth stepped inside and immediately walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He hugged her with his left arm and let out a shuddering breath of relief, glad to see her more animated again. Dr. Phillips entered behind her and went through the same process with him as the nurse had and quickly diagnosed him with a partially dislocated shoulder. She wanted an X-ray, however, to confirm that there were no fractures or other complications before she attempted to work it back into place, and he did his best to quell his agitation, hating what seemed to him at that moment like fussing. He’d had worse injuries, and his shoulder would be just fine in no time, but Beth…. Would she ever be the same again?

  He didn’t pay much attention to Dr. Phillips and the nurse. He was exhausted and heartbroken, and now that he’d had time to settle down some, his shoulder hurt like hell. All he wanted was to drag himself into bed and beg sleep to erase everything that had happened tonight, if only for a few hours. He knew it wouldn’t help because this was no bad dream, and he had no idea what the following days and weeks would bring. Whatever they brought, he vowed to obey the nurse’s suggestions and do anything he could to help Beth find a way to recover and move on from this. He’d already failed her once. He would not fail her again.

  She felt hollow. And violated on a level she could never have imagined before tonight. The physical exam was horrible despite Dr. Phillip’s gentle ministrations and soothing voice, and she broke down in tears at least four times before it was over. Her body ached in places and ways she had never experienced, and in addition to the trauma inflicted directly by the sexual assault, she had numerous bruises forming, including a couple on her arms and hips that were clearly taking the shape of Trey’s fingers and hands and friction burns on her wrists from the belt. She shuddered as the doctor photographed them, feeling utterly exposed and vulnerable. At last, the physical exam was done, and she pulled her pajama pants and tank top back. Then she stuffed her arms into the sleeves of Nick’s flannel and tucked it tightly around herself, reassured by the soft warmth of it and even more by the faint scents of leather and hay and Nick that clung to it. Covering her nose with it, she inhaled deeply. The worst was over.

  But it wasn’t.

  “This is just for the record,” Dr. Phillips said. “Can you please confirm for me that the young man who brought you in is not the man who attacked you?”

  “No, he is not the one who attacked me,” Beth said vehemently. “Nick is my friend. He… he s-stopped it.”

  “Do you know the man who attacked you?”

  “Y-yes. It was m-my b-boyfriend,” she said, tripping over the words.

  “What is his name?”

  When she tried to say it, she couldn’t. She heard his voice, all sweet and adoring. Have I told you yet today how much I love you? Shuddering,
she recalled the rough way he’d announced his claim over her. That’s right, bitch. You’re mine now. She couldn’t reconcile them. The Trey she’d dated for almost a year was nothing like the one who’d snarled those words. Logic told her that she’d done everything she could to get him to stop, that none of this was her fault, but she couldn’t help wondering how she’d provoked him.

  The doctor asked more questions, and answering them brought back the entire act in sharper clarity than the physical exam had. Beth had to detail everything about the rape and her lack of a sex life, and even though she knew the other woman did not judge her, it made her feel dirty and ashamed. Throughout the ordeal, she wished Nick was there with her. Why hadn’t he come back yet? Surely it didn’t take that long to clean and dress a few minor cuts.

  When the doctor suggested emergency contraception, adding that she’d found traces of semen, Beth’s head snapped up. When her disjointed thoughts knitted together and she understood what that meant, she nearly threw up again. To have a child forced upon her…. She wasn’t sure she would survive that. Panic clawed at her, and she started crying again.

  “Please… I can’t do this anymore. I just want Nick.”

  “We’re almost done, Beth. It is your choice whether or not to use some form of emergency contraceptive, but I strongly suggest it.”

  She had never given much thought to any kind of contraception. She’d always believed that, when the time came, she wouldn’t need to because she’d be married and a baby would be a blessing. Not once had she wondered what she’d do if she found herself facing the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. “I… I don’t know what to do. But I can’t get pregnant. Not like this.”

  Dr. Phillips handed her a small box and explained how the morning after pill worked. Beth stared blankly at it. The corners of the box in her hand were sharp, and her mind seemed to be stuck on that sensation instead of the fear of what it represented. The abatement of the terror that had gripped her only moments ago felt good, and on some level she knew the senselessness that replaced it was no better, but she latched on to it anyhow. She took the first pill and barely heard the other woman say she’d need to take the second after lunch tomorrow. By the time Dr. Phillips had finished her instructions on the contraceptive, numbness had fully set in.

  “I know you feel like trying to forget all this happened is the best way to move past it,” Dr. Phillips said, “but I firmly believe you should report this. It is, of course, your choice, and everything I’ve documented is confidential.”

  The idea of reporting the rape and having to go through every detail again with who knew how many other people made her quiver with anxiety. Her mind raced through a nightmare scenario of creating a media circus that she’d never escape. Devyn and Northstar were small, close-knit communities, and Trey was not only a shining star on the university’s football team but a favored son of a notable ranching family. His father was heavily involved in Devyn politics. Beth’s family owned the second-largest ranch in the Northstar Valley—Nick’s family owned the largest—and she couldn’t imagine ever leaving her beloved C-Diamond, not even to escape what Trey had done. If she reported the rape… she’d be dealing with the aftermath for as long as she lived.

  Beth shook her head. “I can’t. Please, I need to see Nick now.”

  “All right, honey. If you come to a point that you feel able to report it, we keep the evidence and records on file. For now, I’m sure your friend is very worried about you, so let’s go see how he’s doing.”

  They walked to the exam room next door, and Beth immediately went to Nick. At first, she was too glad to see him to think it odd that he had his shirt off, but then she noticed the bruising on his shoulder and realized he held his right arm strangely close to his body, hugging her only with his left. Concerned, she glanced at his face and saw that his lips were pressed into a firm line and his eyes were bright with agony.

  “I believe it’s a partial dislocation,” the nurse said to Dr. Phillips.

  Dislocation? It sickened her to think of how much pain he must be in. It was so wrong that he had been injured rescuing her, and the consequences of such an injury played out in her mind as Dr. Phillips X-rayed his shoulder and then went over the images. At best, he’d be in a sling for a couple weeks and without full use of that arm for weeks more. That shot at least the first half of football season and would make it difficult for him to help out on the ranch during one of the busiest times of the year. Not to mention the general difficulties of having an out-of-commission arm.

  After Dr. Phillips looked over the X-ray images, apparently pleased with what she saw, she said, “You’re lucky. The damage is minimal; it’s not too far out of socket, there aren’t any fractures, and it looks like only minor ligament tearing. Ready?”

  Nick nodded and braced himself. With practiced finesse, Dr. Phillips worked his arm and shoulder, and Beth’s stomach lurched when she heard the quiet but unmistakable pop as the joint returned to its proper alignment. Nick winced but relief washed across his face almost immediately.

  “Better?” Dr. Phillips asked.

  “Much,” he replied. “Thank you.”

  “Keep the sling on for the next two weeks, and ice your shoulder for twenty minutes or so every few hours for the next few days to keep the swelling down.”

  The nurse helped him back into his T-shirt and handed his button-up shirt to Beth to hold while she put his arm in the sling. Because he didn’t seem to be listening to what the doctor and nurse were telling him, Beth asked them to write the instructions down. Somehow, between her and Nick, they were able to provide the rest of their basic stats and insurance information, and at last, they were free to go home.

  What was she going to do once they got back to the dorms? Even if Nick hadn’t knocked her door off its hinges, there was no way she’d be able to stay in her room. She couldn’t face it yet. What time was it anyhow? When she slid into the passenger seat of Nick’s truck and he turned the key in the ignition, she glanced at the clock on the radio. It was almost three in the morning.

  Nick pulled out of the hospital parking lot steering with his knee as he reached across his body with his left arm to shift.

  “I should have offered to drive,” Beth said.

  “It’s all right,” he replied. “It’s only two blocks, and the streets are deserted.”

  They were silent until he parked in the same spot he’d left almost two hours ago. Then Beth asked, “What am I going to do now?”

  “The best you can.”

  “No, I mean… what am I going to do tonight? I can’t stay in my room.” She looked at him, knowing what she wanted but not sure if she should ask because she’d already dragged him through too much. Still, she couldn’t bear the thought of being away from him right now. “Can I stay with you? I know I’m not supposed to, and I have no right to ask any more of you, but… I really need your strength tonight.”

  “I don’t know that I have much strength left at the moment,” he said gently, then took her hand and squeezed. “But you have every right to ask, Beth. You’re my friend—my best friend—and even if you hadn’t asked, I would rather you stay with me so I know you’re safe. At least for tonight. Well, what’s left of tonight. After that… we’ll figure something out.”

  Suddenly, she realized that her staying with him might bring further trouble to him. “What about Michelle?”

  “I’ll find a way to make her understand. Come on. Let’s head in so you can get some things and take a shower. I’m sure you want one.”

  She almost groaned in pleasure at the thought of a shower and the promise of being able to wash away as much of tonight as she could. They walked to the northwest door of Mathews Hall—the one closest to her room—and she took his keys from him to unlock it. She pulled it open and hesitated, taking several deep breaths to quell the dread and fluttering anxiety as she prepared herself to enter her room, a place that had only hours ago been her home away from home. Would she ever be able
to stay in it again, or would she have to ask to be moved to a new room and make up an excuse as to why? Or would they move her, anyhow, until the door could be repaired? All the questions and memories and fears collided, and she felt her mind splinter again. It was too soon to go back, but she had to.

  At last, she gathered the courage to descend into the basement of Mathews Hall, gripping Nick’s hand as she headed toward her room. It was the third door on the right, almost in the middle of the hall, and when she reached it, she saw that the door was still skewed. Chewing on her lip, she hesitated again before she stepped into her room.

  Trey had apparently felt the need to demolish the place before he’d left because her belongings were strewn everywhere. The memory of the rape assaulted her, and her legs wobbled, but Nick was right beside her with a steadying arm around her shoulders.

  “Easy, Beth,” he murmured. “Are you all right?”

  No, I’m not all right, she thought, wondering if she’d ever be again. That wasn’t what he was asking, however, so she nodded and closed her mind to everything but the task at hand. Clean clothes for tonight and tomorrow. Shower caddy. Everything else could wait.

  “What in all holy hell happened here?”

  Beth screamed and jumped behind Nick, but when she turned toward the voice, she saw it was only Jeff Opheim, the campus’s middle-aged nighttime security guard. She inhaled deeply to calm her racing heart. He wasn’t much taller than Beth and had a narrow build that didn’t exactly inspire confidence in his ability to defend the students, but he was quicker and stronger than he looked. He cautiously joined them, glancing around the ransacked room, then at the broken door, and finally at Nick’s sling. Frowning, the slight security guard repeated his question.

  “She was attacked,” Nick said. “And I had to break down the door to get to her.”

  “Sweet Jesus, honey. Are you all right? Why the hell didn’t you call me?”

  “No time,” Nick said. “And, no, she’s not all right, but it’s handled now.”

  “Nick, if she was attacked, I need to report it to the police and Dean Harris.”