First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” Michelle murmured, taking his hand again. “I don’t know what happened, and that was really callous of me to call it idiotic. You obviously believe you had to do what you did.”

  He sat down on the bed beside her and sighed. “I’m sorry, Michelle.”

  “Don’t apologize to me,” she replied, rubbing her hand across his back. “I may not understand the hows and the whys, but I do know that whatever battle you’re fighting is tearing you apart. You need to get your head on straight again, Nick.”

  “I completely agree. I just don’t know how to do that right now.”

  “Then figure it out.”

  She made it sound like it was so simple. If only it were. As if to apologize for ruining the mood, she climbed onto his bed and knelt behind him, kneading his shoulders and back with strong, deft hands. Within moments, she had lulled him into a near catatonic state.

  “You’re incredible,” he mumbled. “Do you know that?”

  “I’ll start believing it if you keep saying it.”

  “You’re amazing and wonderful and beautiful, and I cannot thank you enough for being so understanding of Beth and of my need to be there for her. You are the definition of selfless.”

  “Mmm. So are you. I’m big enough to admit that sometimes I get a little jealous because she’s getting most of your attention, but I truly do admire you for being such a good friend. And I appreciate that you make sure I know you’re still mine.”

  “I am,” he affirmed. “And if you keep that up, I’ll be as pliable in your hands as putty.”

  “Promise?”

  He laughed, quietly at first, but it built until he was laughing so hard that his shoulder complained and his eyes watered. It felt so good to laugh again, and he realized then that he hadn’t since their double date. Not really. The disheartened chuckles he’d managed now and again didn’t count.

  “Looks like I did help you find a little release after all,” Michelle said, grinning.

  “Yes, you certainly did. I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for you.”

  “I’ll just have to take another rain check, I guess.”

  She leaned over his good shoulder, and he turned his face toward her for a kiss.

  “It’s too late now, anyhow. Beth’s class should be about over. Are you going to be up to taking me dancing again tomorrow? That same band is going to be playing at the Club Bar, and I know we’ll be a little restricted because of your shoulder, but I’d like you to teach me a little more about swing.”

  “I can’t make any promises,” he replied as he got up and walked her to the door. “But I’d really love to.”

  “All right. See you at lunch?”

  “Yep.”

  She stole a quick kiss and headed off down the hall. Nick left his door open and retrieved his T-shirt from his bed where Michelle had left it. With disappointment trickling through him, he put it on and secured his right arm once again in the sling. The constant reminder of that night, more than the annoyance of not being able to use his arm, made him anxious to have the sling off, and he couldn’t wait for his checkup next Thursday when he’d hopefully be given permission to ditch it and start working on rebuilding strength and flexibility in that arm. Sighing again, he sat down at his desk and turned his attention to schoolwork.

  Fifteen minutes later than he expected her, Beth showed up.

  “So… how were your classes?” he asked as she walked through his open door.

  “I don’t know,” she replied dispassionately, sinking onto his couch. “I don’t remember much of them. I didn’t think it was going to be that hard to focus.”

  “I’m sure it would have been a lot better without seeing Trey this morning.”

  She nodded but didn’t lift her gaze; it remained trained on the floor.

  “Besides, we didn’t expect you’d be able to just waltz right in there like everything was fine and dandy.”

  “No, we didn’t.”

  Her flat, lifeless tone concerned him. He stood up, took her books from her and set them on his desk, then ducked out of the living room to close his front door. In the time it took him to do that and return to her side, tears had filled her eyes.

  “What now?” he asked impatiently. Immediately, he wished he could take it back, but because he couldn’t, he clarified himself. “What happened?”

  “I can’t go to my class with Trey tomorrow.”

  “That’s not entirely surprising, so why are you so upset?”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to it, but I need it, and it won’t be offered again in the spring.”

  “So ask Dr. Keller if he’d be willing to work with you on it as an independent study.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think he will. I talked to him before I came back here, and he thinks Trey and I just broke up and that’s why—”

  “Did you ask him about an independent study?” Nick grabbed the blue sheet of paper off her stack of books and scowled. “No, you didn’t. You’d rather drop the class—or fail it—and go right on running from this instead of facing it.”

  “Please don’t be angry with me, Nick.”

  “I’m not….” Because his frustration had worked its way into his voice, he inhaled deeply, held it for a count of five, and let it out slowly. He thought of Michelle scooting out of here because Beth would soon be back from her classes and of his desire for a little breathing room and how it conflicted with his need to have her close so he knew she was safe. When he was ready to speak again, he knew exactly what was bothering him. “I’m not angry with you, Beth, but you are relying on me too much for everything.”

  He sat down beside her but didn’t hug her, just watched her until she finally met his gaze. The bright anguish hit him like a punch to the chest.

  “Take my shoulder, Beth. The sling is holding everything in place until what’s torn heals enough to function without it, but if I leave the sling on too long, my shoulder will stiffen and weaken from disuse. I am your sling. I can be here for you and support you while you start the healing process, but I can’t rebuild you. That is something only you can do… by carrying on with your life and conquering the fear and the anger and the pain one step at a time.”

  “How can I do that when I am so scared of everything but you?”

  “For a start, you need to start living in your room again. If you can do that, it’d be a major step for you.”

  Her eyes snapped wide with panic, and she shook her head vehemently. “I can’t—”

  “Stop saying you can’t and try.”

  “I have.”

  “No, you haven’t. You’ve gone down there, raced around to get whatever you needed, and run out like a shot.” He rocked to his feet and offered Beth a hand up. “Come on. We’re going downstairs, and we’re going to sit in your room and watch a movie together. Or work on homework, if you’d rather do that. And after, we’ll head down to the cafeteria for lunch.”

  She let out a small, terrified squeak.

  “Yes, that’s right, Beth,” Nick said. “You’re going to have a meal with someone other than me or your family. Because it’s time to stop hiding.”

  Beth flinched but let him drag her out of his room, and he didn’t let go of her hand until they reached her room in the basement. He started to ask for her key, then thought better of it. She needed to do that, too. Her hand trembled when she inserted the key into the lock and turned it, but she did it, and he was proud. It might be a tiny accomplishment that, in the grander scheme of her recovery, ended up meaning nothing, but it was a step forward.

  It wasn’t much easier for him to walk into that room than it was for her. As soon as he stepped over the threshold, he was bombarded by the memory of the wrenching scene he’d barged in on less than a week ago. With brutally sharp clarity, he saw again the way Trey had had Beth bent over the bed, how he’d wrapped her long, beautiful blonde hair around his fist and used it to jerk her head cruelly back to him so he co
uld snarl whatever vicious, demeaning slurs he’d uttered. Six days removed, Nick still wanted to throw up, but he swallowed the bile and forced the memories away.

  Nothing in the room had changed, so he went about stripping the sheets and blankets off the bed until only a bare mattress remained. It was difficult to do one-handed, but this was something he couldn’t ask Beth to help with. He piled the bedding in Beth’s laundry basket, then turned to her. She stared at the bed, standing as stiff as an ice sculpture, helplessly enthralled by the memory.

  “Beth, sweetheart,” Nick said gently. “Snap out of it.”

  She raised wide, watery eyes to him, and he saw her begin to splinter. Half a moment before she collapsed, he jumped to her side and wrapped his arm around her to steady her. She sagged in his hold, and he helped to the bed just as the tears broke loose.

  “Come on, sweetheart,” he murmured. “You’ll get past this. Look around. This is still your room with your things. Trey isn’t here, and he won’t ever be again. So kick his memory out of here and reclaim the space.”

  “How do you know I can do all that? Right now, I just want to go home to Northstar and never come back.”

  “I know you can do it because I know how strong you are.”

  “But I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  After a while, she managed to get hold of herself, and with a shuddering breath, she asked, “Do you think Neil will change out the mattress for me? Because I can’t sleep on it. Not after Trey….”

  Her voice faltered, and it broke his heart again. Before he answered her question, he realized there was something else she needed to do right now, another step to take. “Say it, Beth.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can and you will because you need to. What did Trey do?”

  She squirmed and whined a moment and tried to say again that she couldn’t do it, but Nick met her fearful gaze head on, daring her to contradict his faith. He nearly cheered when he saw a spark of defiance. Yes!

  “He… he… r-raped me.”

  Unable to resist, he hugged her tightly. “That’s my girl,” he whispered.

  Despite the tears that trickled down her cheeks, she smiled. “All I did was say a word, so why does it feel like I just won some major award?”

  “Because you did win something. You won back a piece of your courage.” He let her go and carefully shrugged out of his outer flannel shirt. After securing his arm in the sling again, he righted her chair and set it back by her desk, the hung his flannel on it and turned back to her. “Time to clean this mess up so you can win back another piece. Then we’ll watch a movie.”

  Nodding, she rose from the bed and got to work. As Nick helped her pick up, he watched her shed the fear and doubt and began to believe that she had made real, measurable progress today. As long as the emergency contraceptives did their job and she was spared longer lasting consequences of the rape, he had hope that she would not only recover but come away from it even stronger. In this moment, as she bustled around her dorm room and returned her belongings to their proper places, awe at her resilience flooded him, washing away every trace of the frustration that had plagued him earlier.

  She’ll be all right. Different, maybe, but she’ll beat this.

  Seven

  Beth jerked awake in terror, flailing her legs and striking out with her fists to free herself from her attacker’s grip. She let out a guttural yelp with each panting exhalation and thrashed a few more times before she realized there was no one touching her. As sanity returned, she glanced around to get her bearings. She was in her dorm room, and she was entirely alone. Shivering, she drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them.

  Just a nightmare. Trey’s not here. You’re okay.

  Except that what she’d dreamt had really happened. It wasn’t a figment of her imagination, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be okay again. She gulped air and fought to keep the tears at bay, but they came anyhow. Trey had broken something deep inside her, something she wasn’t sure could be repaired. She’d always imagined her life would take the classical route with a husband and kids and grandkids, but that dream was fractured now because her trust had been shattered in the cruelest way imaginable. Would she ever be able to trust a man not to hurt her like he had? As soon as the question popped into her head, she had an answer. There was one man she knew without a doubt who would never hurt her, and without questioning the impulse or the early morning hour, she got out of bed to retrieve her phone and dialed his number.

  Just before he answered, she realized Nick had left his flannel hanging on her chair. She pressed it to her cheek, soothed by its soft texture and even more so by the familiar scent of him that lingered in its fibers.

  “Hello?” Nick asked groggily.

  “It’s Beth.”

  “Are you all right?”

  His voice was immediately more alert, and tears burned her eyes again in gratitude. She was lucky to have a friend she could call in the middle of the night who genuinely cared about her.

  “It was just a nightmare. I guess this isn’t going to be as easy as I thought. First night back in my room, and here I am calling you in the middle of the night.”

  “That’s all right, Beth. I told you to call me any time you needed to. Remember?”

  “I know, but you’ve already done so much.”

  “That’s what friends are for. You going to be all right or do you want me to come down and sit with you for a bit?”

  She almost wish he’d ask her if she wanted to come back up and spend the rest of the night on his couch, but at the same time, she knew that reclaiming her room was what she needed in the long run. With that thought, she was glad he hadn’t asked because she would’ve taken him up on the offer, and that realization gave her the courage to decline the offer he had made.

  “No, that’s all right, but….” She hesitated, trying to figure out how to explain exactly why she was calling. “I needed to hear your voice.”

  “Well, that makes my job easy.”

  He chuckled, and the last dregs of the nightmare faded away as her lips lifted.

  “Except that you’ve never been much of a chatterbox. Thank you, Nick.”

  “Any time, Beth. I mean that.”

  “I know you do. So I’m going to tell you good night now and let you go back to sleep.”

  “Right back at ya.”

  She hung up the phone and curled up in her blankets with his flannel clutched to her chest, stubbornly refusing to think about the nightmare or anything but getting over this mess. Her eyes drifted closed, and she took several deep breaths to hold on to the serenity talking to Nick had brought her. It amazed her that he was able to soothe her when no one or nothing else could. She hadn’t had a nightmare those nights she’d spent in his room, but she had both nights at home in Northstar and again tonight, and she knew it was because she felt safe with him… felt it on a level that her logical mind could not reach.

  When she opened her eyes again, she was surprised to see bright morning light illuminating her room. She’d made it through her first night back in her own room and had even spent the last few hours in blissful, dreamless sleep. Now, waking up in her own bed instead of on Nick’s couch, she felt a smidgeon of her pride returning. She could do this. She would do this.

  She yawned, flipped her covers back, and rolled out of bed. When she pushed to her feet, there was a surprising and welcome spring in her movements. It was Wednesday, which meant she would attempt to conquer another fear tonight when she joined Nick and Michelle and possibly his brothers and two other friends for dinner at the Whiskey Creek Grill followed by some dancing down at the Club Bar. The thought of retracing the steps of that night made her a little queasy, but she ignored it and started getting ready for class.

  At a quarter to eight, Nick knocked on her door. She couldn’t deny that she was delighted to see him, but she managed to hold her excitement mostly in check, giving him only a
brief hug.

  “You ready?” he asked.

  “Yep.”

  He had agreed to walk her to her classes for the time being because she was still terrified of running into Trey in the halls, and when she spotted her ex walking toward Main Hall from his dorm across campus, she was glad to have Nick with her. Trey spotted them but kept his distance and did not attempt to engage them in conversation. Beth let out a sigh of relief when she stepped into her classroom and Trey walked right on by, giving her and Nick a wide berth.

  “That wasn’t so bad, right?” Nick asked.

  “No, it wasn’t. I’m glad he didn’t try to talk to us again, though.”

  “Me, too. See you in an hour?”

  She nodded and watched him stride away toward his class.

  It was much easier to focus today than it had been yesterday, and she had no need to beg a classmate to borrow notes later. She was proud of that, too. Slowly but surely—or maybe not so slowly—she was slipping back into her comfortable habits, and it felt good. Her next class went even better, and for a little while, she was able to focus entirely on it without the constant dread and anxiety hovering at the edges of her mind. Afterwards, Nick walked with her to Mathews Hall, but instead of heading to his room like she had yesterday, she parted ways with him at the door and went straight to her room to tackle some homework before lunch.

  After an enjoyable meal with Nick, Michelle, Henry, Aaron, and their friends June Montana and Aelissm Davis, she returned to her room. Feeling remarkably at peace, she wondered if she could gather the courage to go to Advertising Media even though she had the assignments and would be able to get the notes from Tara. She immediately regretted considering it when the thought of having to sit in the same room with Trey for an hour entered her mind. Panic set in even though she quickly decided against going, and she sat on her bed, rocking and hugging Nick’s flannel.