First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  This is ridiculous, she scolded herself. You can’t keep letting Trey do this do you.

  When someone knocked on her door, she almost screamed, and she couldn’t immediately get up to see who it was.

  “Beth? You in there?”

  At the sound of Nick’s voice, relief settled over her, calming her jittery nerves. She leapt to her feet and barely refrained from running to the door. When she opened it and saw him standing on the other side, however, she couldn’t resist wrapping her arms around him, too glad that he was there. He tucked his good arm around her, and she sighed contentedly despite the now-familiar twinge of regret for his injury. At least it was healing well, she consoled herself. Lingering in his embrace longer than she needed to, she let the strength in the arm that held her reassure her and was soothed by the mesmerizing rhythm of Nick’s heartbeat. The feel of firm muscle beneath her cheek triggered a primal certainty that she was safe in his embrace and that he could and would protect her. He already had. It triggered something else, too, and she nearly jerked away in shock. She shouldn’t be able to feel anything remotely like that so soon, and she sure as hell shouldn’t feel it for Nick, who was her best friend and who also had a serious girlfriend.

  “Easy, Beth. What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t go to Dr. Keller’s class,” she replied shakily.

  “That’s okay, sweetheart. I didn’t figure you would, and besides, you have notes and your assignments for the week.”

  “Then why are you here?” she asked, frowning.

  “Just in case you wanted to try it. Thought I’d walk you if you did.”

  Beth wasn’t sure if she should be pleased by his faith in her strength or mortified that she wasn’t as strong as he hoped. A little miffed with herself, she admitted, “I did think about it. And then I panicked. I just can’t do it yet.”

  “Hey, that’s okay. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you at six, then.”

  “Wait… would you stay? Maybe watch a movie with me?”

  “I wish I could, but I have to meet with my advisor about a thesis project for next semester.”

  Disappointment filtered through her as she stood in her door and he strode away with that easy, ground-eating cowboy gate. She stared at him as if seeing him for the first time. Long gone were the coltish limbs, the narrow shoulders, and cheerful innocence of boyhood. Though she had seen the changes as they’d happened, she hadn’t ever taken note of them. Not really. But she did now, and her mouth fell open in astonishment. When had Nick Hammond turned into such a sexy man? When she realized she was gawking, she shook herself out of it and went back into her room.

  Over the next few hours, while she worked on her various assignments, she pondered the question of why she’d suddenly noticed her longtime friend on a level that was decidedly not platonic. In that moment, watching him walk away, the belief that she knew everything about him—from his favorite everything to the way he moved when he danced to the fact that Michelle was only the second girl he’d slept with—had crumbled. What had shoved aside that sense of absolute familiarity and allowed her to see him like that?

  Unable to focus any longer on her work and still without an answer, Beth put her books and notebook away and resolved to push her questions about Nick far, far from her mind. Her life was already complicated enough without throwing dubious impulses into the mix. Besides, it was already half past five, and Nick said he’d be here to pick her up at six, and she hadn’t even thought about getting ready.

  Her immediate thought was to wear a dress since the plan was to go dancing, but as she opened her closet and started pushing one after another aside, she recalled how the skirt of the turquoise dress she’d worn last Wednesday had flared when she danced with Nick and how it had sounded when Trey had ripped it off her. Queasiness churned her stomach. She didn’t realize that tears had begun streaming down her face until one splattered on her forearm, and she stared at it, watching as another joined it.

  Disgusted by both the sickening memory of what Trey had done and by the fact that she couldn’t even pick out a dress without thinking about it, she turned away from her closet for the time being to brush her hair. After she unlocked the door in anticipation of Nick’s arrival, she pulled the ponytail holder out and started brushing at the ends of her long hair, gradually working her way up to the roots. It hung nearly to her waist, and she was usually much better about keeping it silky and smooth, but the numerous snags she ran into were a testament that she hadn’t been as diligent lately. Her brush snarled in a tangle at the back of her head, and she yanked on it. Her neck cried out in protest, and suddenly, she wasn’t standing in front of the mirror and sink by the door. She was kneeling over her bed with her head jerked cruelly and painfully back. Her body went rigid as the flashback crashed over her, wrapping her helplessly in its vicious grip.

  You’re mine now, bitch.

  An animal shriek ripped free from her throat, and she hurled her brush at the mirror. Cracks spider-webbed across it from the point of impact. Beth whirled away and snatched her scissors off her desk, then turned back to the fractured mirror and grabbed a thick lock of her hair. Tears poured down her reddened cheeks as she lifted the scissors to chin level. If she cut her hair, Trey would never again be able to use it to control her.

  Her door swung open, and before she realized what was happening, Nick was there, grabbing the scissors out of her hand and hugging her close.

  “Jesus, Beth,” he murmured. “What the hell happened?”

  “I have to cut it. I have to cut it.” Her words quickly tumbled into indecipherable babbling as her tears turned into hysterical sobs. She buried her face against his chest, and he tightened his arm around her. Anger and fear and grief slammed through her, and she curled her hands around fistfuls of his shirt, choking on the tears.

  “Breathe, sweetheart. Just relax a moment, all right?” Nick crooned. After a few minutes, when her wracking tears subsided, he leaned back and said, “Look at me, Beth.”

  She shook her head, unable to raise her eyes, ashamed that she had freaked out like that and ashamed for her somewhat inappropriate thoughts about him earlier. With his thumb under her jaw, he gently tilted her face until she was forced to meet his gaze.

  “Now tell me what just happened.”

  “I have to cut my hair. I have to cut it so he can’t use it to control me again,” she said. “He wrapped it around his fist and yanked….”

  Nick hugged her again. “I know he did, sweetheart. I remember,” he said softly. The hitch in his voice hit her square in the heart, and she almost broke down again. “But you don’t have to cut your beautiful hair, Beth, because I won’t let him touch it ever again.”

  Sighing raggedly, she straightened and realized at once that Michelle, Henry, and Aaron were standing out in the hallway staring at her with a mixture of concern and shock. Her cheeks and neck warmed uncomfortably, and she almost hid her face against Nick’s chest again… except that she was pretty sure his girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate it. And Michelle had been very gracious to this point, so she didn’t want to push her luck, unwilling to put Nick in the middle more than she already was.

  “Are you going to be all right now?” Nick asked. One corner of his mouth quirked upward. “Or do I need to hide your scissors?”

  Despite herself, Beth laughed a little. “I think I’ll be okay. I was just brushing my hair, and I hit a bad snarl at the back, and it reminded me…. Stupid.”

  He shook his head. “Not stupid. Are you still up to coming out with us? We’ll understand if you don’t want to go.”

  “No, I still want to go, and I think I need to.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. Just let me….” She glanced toward her closet. “I should probably change into something nicer.”

  “What’s wrong with jeans and a T-shirt?” Nick asked, stepping back with his left arm held out to the side so she could inspect his attire. �
�You look just fine.”

  She glanced over him, noting the jeans that hugged his long legs and the crisp white T-shirt peeking out from the gunmetal-gray, blue, and white plaid shirt he wore with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows. Her gaze traveled up his neck and along his jaw, taking in the long-familiar lines of him that had so suddenly and unexpectedly captured her notice, and when her pulse tripped, she quickly averted her gaze before they continued the rest of the way to his eyes. Embarrassment again heated her face.

  “But Michelle’s wearing a dress,” she said quietly, glancing at his girlfriend, who was just a little too beautiful in that simple but stunning red sundress.

  “Yeah, but I can guarantee you June and Aelissm won’t be. You know they’ll be in jeans and T-shirts or tank tops, too. Don’t worry how you look because you’re always beautiful no matter what you wear.” He brushed his thumb lightly across her cheek with his head tilted in a way that assured her he believed every word he said. “Besides, for now I think you’ll probably feel a little more comfortable in what you have on. C’mon. We’ll worry about the mirror tomorrow.”

  Nodding, she took his hand and let him pull her out into the hallway. Henry and Aaron both asked if she was all right, and she nodded again.

  “What the hell did Trey do to you?” Aaron asked with the sympathetic gentleness she more frequently associated with his older brother. The way he said it gave her the impression that he didn’t expect an answer, that his question was more an offer of support should she need it.

  She smiled, grateful.

  After she locked her door, they headed down the hall to June’s and Aelissm’s rooms, which were at the far end. Aelissm’s was directly below Nick’s suite, and June’s was across from it. Frowning while they waited, Beth wondered where the two friends had been last Wednesday. They weren’t into the party scene, so it was likely they would have been in their rooms that night. Had they heard her screaming? Beth shook her head. If they had heard, they would have come running or, at the very least, called Jeff Opheim.

  Both friends opened their doors simultaneously at Henry’s and Aaron’s knocks. As Nick had predicted, they were dressed in jeans and tank tops. Regardless, they were blonde, beautiful, and nearly as tall as Michelle and made Beth feel like the short, frumpy tag-along.

  “You know this isn’t actually a date, right?” Aelissm jokingly asked Henry.

  “Sure it is,” Henry remarked. “Just because you both have boyfriends and we both have girlfriends doesn’t mean Aaron and I can’t take the two of you out for dinner and dancing as friends, right?”

  “Exactly. We’re doing this for Beth,” June said.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Aaron replied.

  “Michelle, these two lovely ladies are June Montana and Aelissm Davis,” Nick interrupted. “Aeli’s grandparents are Marge and Roger Davis, who you’ve met. They own the Bedspread Inn out in Northstar.”

  “I remember them. Alyssum?” Michelle asked. “Like the flower?”

  “But spelled a little differently,” Aelissm replied with a quirk of her lips. “We ready?”

  “We are,” Nick replied.

  Just like last Wednesday, they walked to the Whiskey Creek Grill and took a table out on the back patio to enjoy the fading remnants of summer. The evening was cooler but just as beautiful, and it wasn’t long before Beth was able to shed the lingering trembles of anxiety. It wasn’t nearly so easy, however, to ignore the twinges of envy that stung her every time Michelle flirted with Nick or when he responded in turn with a playful grin.

  Ignoring that ridiculous jealousy became easier when they ventured down to the Club Bar. Beth hesitated at the door, frozen in place as she waited for the memory to assault her. She glanced around what she could see of the bar through the open door, and there was no sign of Trey. In fact, for a Wednesday night, the bar was surprisingly quiet. Maybe tonight would actually turn out well. Certainly better than the last time she’d come here. Nick rested his hand gently on her shoulder.

  “Are you still sure you want to do this?” he asked.

  She chewed on her bottom lip but nodded.

  “Let’s get to dancing, shall we?”

  The band was excited to see them back and immediately struck up a lively swing tune. Beth danced with Aaron for the first song, and though he was every bit as gifted a dancer as his brother, she wished she was dancing with Nick. When the song ended, she declined Henry’s invitation and took a seat on a chair at the edge of the dance floor to watch. Aaron and June paired up while Henry took Aelissm’s hand and refused to take no for an answer, leaving Beth to sit alone.

  Her gaze remained trained on Nick and Michelle throughout the song. Michelle was as graceful as any woman Beth had ever seen, and she was a quick learner. The awkwardness that had stiffened her movements last week was long gone, and even Nick’s sling didn’t hamper their energetic dance much. The song ended, and he leaned in to kiss her. Beth had to look away when Michelle pressed her body against his with an intimate possessiveness as he took her face in his hands to pull her closer. She’d never seen Nick focus on any of his girlfriends like he did with Michelle, and Beth knew she should be happy that he’d found someone he could get serious about. Selfishly, she felt like she was losing her best friend, though on some level she knew they were closer than ever. So why did watching him with Michelle give her the impression that he was slipping away?

  Because, she admitted, that’s not all it makes you feel.

  She hung her head and wished she could make everything go back to the way it was before last Wednesday, back when everything was comfortable and happy and she wasn’t at the mercy of a million conflicting and confusing emotions.

  Someone sat beside her, and without looking up, she knew whom; every cell in her body had become so attuned to him that she did not need visual confirmation.

  “You doing all right?” Nick asked.

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “You look unhappy.”

  “I’m okay. Just wishing I could be normal again… and wishing I didn’t hate your girlfriend right now.”

  “Why do you hate Michelle?” he asked, sitting up in surprise.

  “I don’t really hate her… but I’m jealous, I guess. I’ve gotten used to having you around all the time. I still need you more than I should… because you were there. You saw what happened, and you stopped it. I feel like you’re the only person who can understand. And I don’t want to share you.” She inhaled and plowed on without giving him a chance to respond. “And, yes, I know how incredibly selfish I’m being, especially because Michelle has been so disgustingly sweet to me.”

  “I never thought I’d see the day when you would be jealous of any woman,” Nick remarked with a teasing note in his voice. “I long ago lost track of how many boys I’ve had to threaten with a beating if they didn’t put their eyes back in their head. Not that you ever noticed them staring.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “I may be teasing you, but I’m not joking. You have no idea how incredibly beautiful you are, especially with those big, innocent blue eyes that make a guy want to give you the world.” With his arm around her shoulders, he tucked her against him and hugged her for a moment. “You’ve been through hell, Beth, so I think you’re being a little unfair to yourself. Give it some time and stop thinking you should be able to just bounce back from this.”

  “You’re not upset that I’m jealous of your girlfriend?”

  “Why would I be? It’s quite a compliment of her. Either that, or I’m such a stud that even my friends want me.”

  Beth laughed. “You are a stud, but don’t do that again. Trey’s the arrogant one, not you.”

  “That’s for damned sure. C’mon. Let’s make everyone jealous.” He bounced to his feet and held his hand out to her. “Dance with me?”

  Slipping her hand lightly into his, Beth let Nick pull her to her feet, laughing again as he twirled her around, feigning awkwardness.

  “Somehow I don’t think
that is going to make anyone jealous.”

  “Hmm. I don’t think so, either,” he agreed.

  Within moments, she’d forgotten about Michelle and Trey and everything but how much she enjoyed dancing with Nick. She couldn’t forget, however, this strange new recognition because dancing with him only heightened her awareness of him. She knew she should ignore it, that it could only bring her more heartache because he was serious about Michelle, but she couldn’t help herself. Even as her brain warned her that it was wrong, her heart promised her that it was right, and she reveled in the quiet power of his body as he led her through complicated steps and turns, entirely at home and relaxed with him.

  They danced almost an hour before Nick took a break to get refreshments for everyone. Since the majority in his group were under age, he skipped the alcohol. Besides, after what had happened last week, he was in no mood for a drink, anyhow. While he waited, he thought about what Beth had told him, and he hoped he wasn’t giving her ultra-sensitive emotions the wrong signals. He was conscious of the fact that how he reacted to her had shifted since the rape. The need to make sure she was safe was overpowering, and sometimes he found it difficult to think of anything else, but it wasn’t only how he responded to her that was transforming. His very perception of her was evolving as well. He’d always thought her enchantingly beautiful, but he no longer noticed it with the pride and detachment of simple friendship but with curiosity and intrigue.

  Nick shook his head. He couldn’t think like that because she was his best friend. He was supposed to be helping her find her balance again, and the last thing she needed right now was him confusing her.

  In the time that he’d been dancing, the bar had filled, so he shouldn’t have paid much attention when two more people walked in, but the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, and his gaze was pulled almost unwillingly to the front door. Trey and Darryl stepped inside, and Nick closed his eyes to whisper a prayer that when he opened them again the pair would be gone.

  “What the hell are you doing here, Hammond?” Trey asked just feet from him.