First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  Nick opened his eyes and turned them on his former friend and teammate. “It might be a good idea if you turn around and walk right back out that door, Holt.”

  “Why don’t you make me?” Trey said, coming to a stop just a hand span away. “I don’t think you could even if you didn’t have that broken wing.”

  “I can hit just as hard with my left,” Nick replied quietly. “You know I can. Please just leave.”

  “No.” Trey shoved against Nick’s chest. “You leave. And take that slut with you.”

  “Hey, now,” the bartender said, striding over. “Whatever this is, take it outside, boys.”

  “Come on, Nick,” Michelle said. “Let’s just leave.”

  “No. I’m not going to give this piece of trash the satisfaction.”

  “You want to start something, Hammond?”

  Trey gave him another shove. Nick shoved back, and to his surprise, Trey stumbled back a step. Fear flashed briefly in Trey’s brown eyes, but it was gone too quickly for Nick to be sure he’d seen it. The bartender pleaded again for them to take it outside, but they ignored her. Trey glanced behind Nick, who turned to see that his brothers, Beth, June, and Aelissm had joined him in the bar area. Aaron and Henry stood defensively in front of the girls, and Beth peered between them with eyes rounded and terrified.

  “Wow, Beth. Didn’t take you long at all to jump into someone else’s bed, did it?” Trey remarked with a sneer. “Whore.”

  “Jesus Christ, Trey, just leave her alone. Haven’t you done enough to hurt her?”

  Trey turned to Darryl as if Nick hadn’t spoken. “I didn’t want to believe you, but she really is a whore. I can’t believe I fell for that whole waiting-for-marriage thing for a year.”

  “Holy shit. You actually…?”

  “Oh, hell yeah, I fucked her. Wasn’t much of a—”

  Nick pushed Trey. Hard. “Shut your goddamned mouth, Holt.”

  “Let’s go, Nick,” Michelle said again, more urgently.

  “No.”

  “Come on, Nick,” Aaron said, stepping between him and Trey. “He’s not worth it.”

  “Look, guys,” the bartender said, “take it outside, or I’m going to call the cops.”

  “Do we need to take it outside, Trey, or are you going to do the smart thing for once and leave?”

  “You honestly think you can take me?” Trey scoffed.

  “I know I can. And you know it.” Say just one more thing about Beth, Trey, and I will gladly screw my shoulder up again to prove it. He didn’t say it, unwilling to give Trey any ammunition to use against him later, but when fear again shadowed the other man’s eyes, triumphant glee danced through him. His lips curved in a deadly, humorless smile. “Look at you, afraid of a guy in a sling.”

  The bartender spoke up again, her attention firmly on Trey. “You need to leave, sir. Now.”

  “Why do I have to leave?” Trey asked.

  “You walked in here and trouble followed. So get out of here, or I will call the cops.”

  “Fine. Come on, Darryl. The music here sucks anyhow.”

  “Yeah, hang on,” Darryl replied. “Lemme finish my beer.”

  Swearing, Trey stormed outside. Nick took a few deep breaths.

  “Sorry to say this, Beth,” he heard Michelle say, “but what did you ever see in that asshole? Beth?”

  Nick swiveled around just in time to see Beth slap Darryl hard across the face.

  “What the hell was that for, you crazy bitch?” he yelped.

  “You lying sack of shit!” she shrieked. “What did I ever do to you? Why did you tell Trey I slept with you? It’s a goddamned lie! I hate you!”

  Nick grabbed her around the waist and hoisted her off the ground. She flailed and tried to hit Darryl again, so he hauled her outside. Immediately, she collapsed onto the bench just outside, and her anger crumbled into tears.

  “Are you done now?” he asked.

  She met his gaze with defiance burning like indigo fire in her eyes. “The pair of them can go straight to hell,” she snapped. “I want to go home—back to the dorms.”

  “Fine. We’ll go home.”

  He didn’t have to go in to tell Michelle and the others that he needed to walk Beth home; they walked outside, assuring him that they’d made apologies to the bartender for the ruckus. Nick thanked them and offered an apology of his own.

  “You don’t have to leave, you know,” he said to his brothers and June and Aelissm.

  “That’s all right, Nick,” June replied. “The mood is sort of shot now, anyhow. And besides, the crowd’s getting a little too rowdy for my tastes.”

  “Well, thanks.”

  The sun sank below the mountains as they walked back to campus, plunging the valley into shadow while the sky above burned brightly. It was a stunning night, but Nick couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it. As June had said, the carefree mood of their evening was well and truly ruined. They parted ways at the southern door of Matthews Hall, the one closest to June’s and Aelissm’s rooms, and Nick walked Beth to her door before bidding her goodnight. When she tried to apologize for ruining everything, he wouldn’t hear of it. It was only the truth that they likely would have gone on dancing and having a good time for hours if Trey and Darryl hadn’t shown up.

  “Come out and sit with me?” Michelle asked as soon as Beth closed and locked her door.

  “Sure, babe.”

  He followed her out to one of the picnic tables scattered across the lawn in front of Mathews Hall and sat beside her on the tabletop with their feet on the bench facing the fiery western sky. For several long minutes, neither spoke, but he sensed that something weighed heavily on her. It was written in the droop of her shoulders and in the way she stared at the sunset without actually seeing it. His heart beat a little faster in anticipation of a conversation he was certain wouldn’t be a happy one.

  “Something has changed between you and Beth,” she said at last. Her voice was quiet with a note of concern, but she wasn’t accusing him of anything. “You’ve been great about making sure I know you still want me, but… something is different.”

  He started to assure her that he still felt only friendship for Beth, but it felt like a lie, and he knew she was right even if he wasn’t sure yet how. So he asked what she meant.

  “She moves, you move.” Michelle glanced at him, then away again. “It’s like when you dance. You’re entirely attuned to each other, only now it’s not just when you dance but all the time. You know when and how she needs you even before she does. Like earlier tonight when we were heading downstairs to get her, and she was freaking out. You were there right when she needed you.”

  “She’s hurting, Michelle.”

  “I know she is. That is plenty obvious. I’m not trying to be a bitch here or chastise you for being a good friend. I would expect nothing less of you than what you’re doing, but…. She doesn’t look at you the same anymore. It’s like she’s suddenly seeing you in a totally different light.”

  “What do you want me to do? I can’t just—”

  “I know you can’t, and I do respect that.”

  “Then what do you want from me?”

  “I want you to tell me it’s still only friendship between you and Beth. Because I love you and I believe we’re good together, but I’m not going to fight a battle I know I can’t win.”

  “What battle?”

  “The one between me and Beth for your time. I’m not too proud to admit that she’d win that fight if I made you choose. I never would, of course, but—”

  “God, I wish I could tell you exactly what happened that night because you’d see exactly what changed. I promise you, Michelle, it’s still only friendship.”

  She sighed and held his gaze for a long while, studying him intently with her brows knitted together. “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “I’m not.”

  Before he could object, she angled her body toward him and kissed him. I
t was different than any kiss they’d shared—urgent, almost regretful like she was committing every sensation to memory as if this were the last kiss. Something that felt distinctly like grief washed through him, and he wondered how long it would be before she said goodbye.

  “I really care about you, Nick,” she murmured against his lips. “And I want you to be happy. So I want you to take a good, long look at what’s happening here, and afterwards, then tell me if it’s still only friendship you feel for Beth and that she feels for you. If it is, I’ll be glad to know you’re all mine. If not… then I’ll know it’s time for me to move on.”

  “Why does it feel like you’re already saying goodbye?”

  “I’m not, but if that’s how you feel… maybe you should ask yourself why.”

  She turned away and stood, but he grabbed her hand before she could walk away and pulled her close. She cradled his head against her chest, and he sighed raggedly. They didn’t say anything else, and after a few minutes, she pulled away and he let her go.

  After a while, he sat up a little and lifted his gaze to the lavender twilight. Behind him, the full moon glowed brightly in the eastern sky amongst a scattering of dark clouds, and a few of the brightest stars had come out to twinkle beside it. The breeze that sighed through the boughs of the spruces and rustled the weakening leaves on the massive white poplars lining the lawn was cool, and he shivered.

  Why did he feel like his life was crumbling?

  Only eight days ago, his biggest worry had been keeping his motivation strong through this last year of college until he could proudly return to the Lazy H with his degree in hand and settle into running the ranch with his father. He hadn’t ever been like the many other students on this campus who didn’t know what paths their lives would take; his path had been set from the moment of his birth, and he’d always felt blessed to embrace it. That wouldn’t change, he knew, but so much else was. His parents had married at twenty and were more in love after twenty-five years together than ever, and maybe because of that he foolishly believed—at least until a week ago—that Michelle might just be that woman for him. She hadn’t grown up on a ranch, but she’d certainly acclimated quickly over the summer and had even put in a couple hard days helping him loading and unloading a trailer of square bales he’d had to deliver to his cousin’s small ranch outside of Three Forks. She also complimented him well with her laid-back personality, and his parents heartily approved of her.

  Then tonight….

  He shook his head and dragged his hand back through his hair. Beth was a complete mess right now, and since she had always been such a big part of his life, he wasn’t entirely surprised that his world had been turned on its head that night just as surely as hers had been. Michelle was right that his relationship with Beth was changing, and he’d noted that fact only a couple hours ago. Beth herself had commented that she was jealous of Michelle, and he suspected she hadn’t told him the whole reason why.

  The truth was, he admitted, that he didn’t know what was happening. Everything was so confused. Was he going to lose Michelle over this? The idea that he might was troubling, and his chest constricted because he did love her. But was that love strong enough to overcome the strain Beth’s troubles were putting on their relationship? He didn’t know the answer to that question, and the fact that he doubted they could make it through this was almost an answer in itself. In contrast, he knew he had no choice when it came to Beth. He needed to be there for her as long as she needed him.

  “Do you mind if I join you?”

  He glanced over his shoulder to see Beth standing a few feet away, watching him with an unusual and startling insecurity. If he felt even a moment’s desire to be left alone, it vanished long before he could acknowledge it.

  “Sure.”

  “I saw you still sitting out here… alone… and I….”

  “Why don’t you come sit with me and then tell me what’s on your mind?”

  She sat beside him on the picnic table, but it was several minutes before she spoke. “I’m really sorry for the way I acted tonight.”

  “I told you before that it’s not your fault.”

  “Not just for flipping out on Darryl… but for the way I acted about Michelle. I have no claim on you and no right to be jealous of her. I hope I’m not causing any problems between the two of you.”

  “Why would you think you are?”

  “When she walked back into the building just a few minutes ago, she looked a little… I don’t know, sad, I guess.”

  Nick clenched his jaw at the mention of his girlfriend. “Don’t worry about it, Beth. You have enough heartache of your own to work through as it is without worrying about Michelle and me. Whatever will be will be, I suppose.”

  “Ah, Nick. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault.” Uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, he changed the topic. “I can’t believe you slapped Darryl. I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it for what he said. I just can’t believe you hit him.”

  “Why did he say those things to Trey? I’ve never been with anyone… not until Trey… and that….”

  “Jesus, Beth. That doesn’t count. He forced you.”

  “You don’t believe him, do you?”

  “No, I don’t. I know you’ve never been with anyone.”

  “But how do you know that?”

  “Because I know you, and I know you wouldn’t lie to me.” He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “You’ve had a long day, and I’m sure you’re probably as exhausted as I am, so why don’t we call it a night?”

  She nodded, and they headed inside.

  At her door, he asked, “Are you going to be all right tonight?”

  “I hope so. It probably sounds strange, but I think I actually feel a little better after slapping Darryl.”

  “In that case, maybe I should’ve let you hit him a few more times,” Nick said, chuckling a little. “Tell you what, I think you shocked the crap out of him when you did.”

  “I wonder how much better I’d feel if I slapped Trey.”

  Nick snorted. “From my experience, that doesn’t help much because it’s not possible to hit him hard enough. Good night, Beth, and hopefully your dreams will be sweet tonight.”

  “Even if they aren’t, I’ll try not to wake you up again.”

  “While I’d appreciate that, if you need to call, just call.”

  She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. “Thank you. For everything.”

  Eight

  Nick grinned broadly when Beth opened her door at his knock. At first, she regarded him half frowning and half smiling as if she didn’t understand why he was so happy, but her gaze dipped, and then she was grinning, too.

  “It’s gone!” she said. “The doc cleared you?”

  “Yep,” he replied.

  “That is fantastic, but I have even better news. I’m not pregnant.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Mmm-hmm. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you, but I was a couple days late—Dr. Phillips said the morning after pill might do that—so I took a home pregnancy test this morning, and it was negative. Then, not even an hour later…. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to start my period.” Her face turned red, and she ducked her gaze. “Way more information than I’m sure you wanted to hear.”

  “Beth, I’ve known you all our lives. Believe me, I’ve heard far worse.”

  He dropped down to wrap his arms—both of them—around her hips. She braced her arms on his shoulders as he hoisted her off the ground and laughed delightedly as he spun around. Hearing that vibrant sound, so open and genuine, was even better than having the sling off. Resting his head against her stomach, he exhaled in relief.

  “Thank God.”

  “Yes, indeed. Um, Nick?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Are you supposed to be doing this with your shoulder yet?” she asked.

  “Technically, no… but I couldn’t resist
.”

  “I’ll bet it feels good to be able stretch that arm and use it again.”

  “You have no idea. Taking notes and writing papers and school in general will certainly be a lot easier now that I won’t have to spend so much time trying to decipher my left-handed chicken scratch. Showering will be a lot easier, too, and getting dressed and, well, everything.” He set her down and held his right arm level with his shoulder, then dropped it and rolled it a little, smiling. “Feels pretty good, but it’ll still be a few weeks before it’s one hundred percent. Can’t complain, though. We may all have to go out dancing again tonight.”

  “After what happened last Wednesday, I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Nick.”

  “Oh, come on. It’s Thursday, so the Club won’t be as busy. Besides, you’ve been doing great this last week.” Teasingly, he added, “You haven’t called me in the middle of the night in three days.”

  “And I’m sure you’ve enjoyed getting a full night’s sleep.”

  “Yes. Yes, I have. Are you ready to head to lunch?”

  “Not quite. Do you mind waiting a couple minutes? I need to finish my outline for my paper for Keller’s class.”

  “I don’t mind at all. How’d your meeting with him this morning go?”

  “Fine. He still thinks I’m being silly letting a ‘break up’ get to me so much, but he agreed to let me take this class as an independent study.”

  “That’s great!”

  “Yeah. It’s quite a relief knowing I won’t have to worry about trying to sit through that class with Trey or failing it.”

  He followed her into her room and flopped on her bed with his arms stretched above his head. God, it felt good to be able to do that again, even if his shoulder was a little stiff from two weeks of immobilization. Sighing happily, he turned his face toward Beth and watched her while she finished her outline, so relieved that she wouldn’t have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy that he was giddy. He had every faith in her strength, but he didn’t know if she would have been able to handle that on top of everything else. Now, with enough time, this ordeal would fade into her past, and she would be free to live her life with nothing but memories to remind her of it.