First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  Over the last few days, she’d laughed more as she settled back into a comfortable routine and slowly but surely started putting the rape behind her. That was a relief, too, because as she gradually returned to her old self, Nick began to feel the strain slip away even though he still hadn’t figured out an answer to Michelle’s question. He’d thought that his concern for Beth and all the impulses and emotions that came with it would fade as she found her feet again and that they would slip back into their familiar, teasing friendship, but if anything, these new feelings had only solidified.

  At least the constant desire to seek Trey out and pummel him a few more times had diminished into a dull ache at the back of his skull, and after today’s good news, it might disappear almost entirely, thought Nick wasn’t foolish enough to believe it would ever fully go away. He hadn’t seen much of Beth’s ex since last Wednesday, and the few times he had, Trey had gone out of his way to avoid both him and Beth.

  Narrowing his eyes, he studied her while she was preoccupied. She wasn’t as strikingly beautiful as Michelle but was pretty more in the cute and innocent way. Her cascade of golden hair framed an oval face set with large, warm blue eyes that were beginning to regain their spark of humor and joy. She had a delicate nose, chin, and jawline offset by soft, high cheeks that embodied feminine grace. She was petite, but her slender curves were contrasted by proud shoulders and firm muscle built by life on a ranch, and Nick knew she was not the dainty thing she appeared. He’d forgotten that in the last couple weeks, since her strength had been stripped away and he’d seen her more fragile and vulnerable than he ever imagined he would, and he shuddered. Maybe that was at the heart of his quandary. Everything that had happened had changed their friendship and brought it to an unfamiliar level; he didn’t know what was expected of him anymore or what his place was.

  Beth lifted her gaze and caught him watching her. With a questioning quirk of her lips, she asked, “What?”

  “It’s good to see you smiling again.”

  “It feels good,” she replied. “You know, for the first time, I feel like I might actually be able to put the rape behind me—behind us. If it weren’t for you and your stubborn belief that I need to face what happened instead of running from it like I wanted to, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. I would have quit school and gone home and spent the rest of my life regretting it. So thank you for being here for me and for being the best friend any girl could ask for.”

  Because it felt like even the sincerest “you’re welcome” was too cheap a response, Nick only smiled in response.

  “Anyhow, are you ready? My outline’s done.”

  “Yep. Let’s go.”

  They walked down the hall to the cafeteria, and along the way, Beth playfully poked his newly freed arm and joked that he had some work to do to get it back in shape. He took her teasing with a smile, too glad that she was joking around again to be insulted.

  His brothers and Michelle were waiting for them at a table in the back corner of the cafeteria, and Henry and Aaron cheered when they noticed that the sling was gone. Michelle stood when he arrived at the table and took his hands, then wrapped his arms around her and kissed him. From the corner of his vision, he saw Beth look away with a pained expression and, conscious of her discomfort, kept the kiss from getting carried away.

  “Do you feel better now that you’ve got your arm back?” Michelle asked.

  “Remarkably so.”

  “Really? Good enough to, uh, have a little fun tonight?” She tucked her hands in his back pockets and grinned, but her eyes sidetracked briefly to Beth. “Because it’s been a while.”

  He stared at her. Since their talk out on the picnic table last week, she had given him plenty of space and hadn’t again broached the subject of his changing friendship with Beth. Now, with that unsettling intensity in her eyes, he suspected she was done waiting. She wanted an answer, and she was testing him. Irritation flared, but he suppressed it.

  “I still need to be careful with it for a while yet,” he replied carefully, “but I think I could be persuaded.”

  He invited her to join him to get lunch, glancing at Beth to let her know he needed a little privacy. He offered to bring her something, and she agreed.

  “Yeah, yeah, we get it, Nick,” Henry remarked. “You’re glad to be out of that sling. Doesn’t mean you have to push it.”

  “Sure it does,” he replied. “And I highly doubt a tray of food is going to push it.”

  As soon as he and Michelle were out of earshot of Beth and his brothers, he asked her quietly, “What the hell was that, Michelle? Were you baiting me?”

  “Maybe a little,” she replied calmly. “I’m sorry. I’m feeling a little defensive today. You get your sling off and the first person you tell is her. I’m starting to see pretty clearly where your priorities are, and the fact that I think you’re right isn’t helping me. She needs you, and I know that, and I’m being a selfish bitch.”

  “I can’t really blame you,” he replied, relieved. He took her by the chin and kissed her lightly. “If the tables were turned, I imagine I’d feel the same way. I’m sorry I’m putting you through this.”

  “Thank you for that. And, by the way, I was serious about wanting a little quality time with you tonight,” she remarked.

  “And I was serious when I said I might be persuaded. I really do need to go easy on my shoulder, though.”

  Michelle laughed. “I promise I’ll try not to hurt you.”

  They made their way through the food line and returned to their table. Nick set Beth’s tray in front of her, and took a seat beside Michelle. The conversation stayed on safe topics, mostly around whether or not Michelle was planning on spending the weekend out on the ranch. A few minutes later, they were joined by June and Aelissm.

  “So, June, I forgot to ask last night,” Nick said. “How’s work at the Ramshorn going?”

  “Great. Mary and Marvin are good people,” the pretty blonde sophomore replied.

  “I love listening to you all talk about Northstar,” Michelle remarked. “Makes me like it even more.”

  “It is a pretty great place to be from,” Aaron agreed. “You are coming out this weekend, right, Michelle? Henry and I are going to try to ride Remington again. Should be entertaining.”

  “You’d be able to ride him if you were just a little more patient,” Nick replied. “He likes you, but he’s a complete prima donna, and he wants to be wooed.”

  “And you certainly know how to woo them, don’t ya, Nick?” Henry teased.

  “I obviously know more than you do, Hen,” Nick retorted. “You and Lisa made it all of what, two weeks, before she dumped you?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Rub it in a little more, why don’t you.”

  “Nah. I still owe you for taking over my chores this weekend.”

  “In that case… too bad the doc let you ditch the sling.”

  “Don’t say that, Henry,” Beth said quietly. “Please.”

  “Jeez, Beth, it was just a joke.”

  “I know it was, but I’m glad he’s healing.”

  “We all are,” Aaron assured her. “So… now that Henry’s apparently gone and stuffed his entire leg in his mouth again….”

  “Just his foot this time,” Beth said with a grin. “Though I hear it was the leg on Friday when Lisa broke up with him.”

  “Really? Do we have to bring that up?”

  “What’d you do, Henry?” Aelissm inquired.

  “She asked my honest opinion about a dress, and I told her.”

  “Dumbass,” Aelissm said with a laugh. “Women never want honesty when it comes to fashion. They just want to hear how good they look.”

  “She did look good… but it also made her look like she was fishing for a new boyfriend.”

  “And I’m guessing you said that,” Beth said. She laughed. “Just like that.”

  Henry shrugged. “Honestly, I wasn’t that serious about her. I’m not like Nick here who’s always looki
ng for Mrs. Right.”

  “No, you’re still happy playing around with Miss Right Now,” Nick remarked. “You’re such a tease, Henry.”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  Nick finished his sandwich and leaned back in his chair, again glad to be free of the sling as he knitted his hands behind his head. His shoulder complained a little, but it was a brief groan compared to the yelps of pain he’d gotten from it before. He listened with a contented smile on his face as the women at the table teased his brothers, and he couldn’t help but notice how the twins flirted with June and Aelissm with a note of hopefulness in their voices. Aaron still had a girlfriend, and both June and Aeli were seeing the same guys, but none of them seemed particularly serious about their significant others. He didn’t see either June or Aelissm taking his brothers up on their unspoken invitations, however. They were rather quiet, introverted women who preferred books and hanging out with a couple good friends, and Henry and Aaron were both still very much roughhousing, wild boys. He couldn’t blame his brothers for trying; the two friends were remarkable women with the same rare, quiet confidence and generosity that made them as beautiful inside as out. It was that combination that had attracted him to Michelle, for she possessed it as well.

  Beth possessed it, too, and though it had been badly shaken, it was coming back. Today, for the first time in two weeks, she’d worn something other than a long-sleeved T-shirt and jeans. She hadn’t said anything, but he knew she’d used those shirts to hide the marks Trey had left on her arms and, on a more subliminal level, to minimize attention. The black, scooped-neck, short-sleeved T-shirt was far more feminine than anything she’d worn and showcased her elegant neck and shoulders. Nick glanced over her bared arms and could barely make out the last remnants of the bruises. Even the pink scars from the friction burns were barely noticeable. If he hadn’t known they were there, he wouldn’t be able to find them.

  Another reminder fading away, he mused. The invisible reminders, he knew, would not heal nearly as quickly. But she’s smiling and laughing again, and that’s something.

  “You might want to tear your attention away from Beth for a few minutes,” Aaron whispered in his ear. “Because your girlfriend is watching.”

  “Mind your own business, Aaron.”

  Aaron lifted his hands and leaned away, then craned his neck around, frowning. “What is Dean Harris doing here? And why does he have a cop with him?”

  Nick swiveled in his chair and spotted Dean Harris making his way across the cafeteria toward their table with a police officer in tow. It took a moment to put a name to the cop, but Nick recognized him as Steven Rogers, a middle-aged man with thinning sandy-brown hair and a softening midsection whose attempt to build a stand-up reputation in his route to run for sheriff was soured by his pompous attitude. Nick took in the dean’s grim expression and the officer’s stiff officiousness, and unease quivered through him.

  What the hell now? he wondered.

  “Nick, this is Officer Rogers,” the dean said.

  “I know who he is,” Nick replied.

  “Would you mind stepping out into the hall with us?” Officer Rogers inquired.

  “I might. What’s going on?”

  “I think it best if we discussed this outside,” Dean Harris said. “The rest of you go back to your meal.”

  Nick grudgingly stood and followed the dean and Officer Rogers out into the hallway. He folded his arms across his chest and waited for one or the other of the men to say whatever it was they needed to say, trying to maintain a calm demeanor despite the quaking premonition that things were about to take a very wrong turn.

  Rogers cleared his throat. “Nicholas Hammond, you are—”

  “Would you kindly give me a goddamned minute to speak with my student?” Rob interrupted.

  The officer scowled but gestured for the dean to go ahead.

  “Thank you.” Dean Harris turned to Nick. “I need to know exactly what happened on the twenty-ninth. You said Beth was attacked and that you broke down her door and fought with her assailant. Was it Trey Holt who attacked her?”

  Nick clamped his mouth shut.

  “This is serious, Nick. Trey has accused you of assault, and the county attorney is filing charges against you.”

  There was a long silence, and Nick stared at Rob as the various meanings of those words knitted together to form an infuriating comprehension. It had been two weeks and almost a day since Trey had raped Beth, and he either believed she wasn’t going to report it or in his egocentric opinion believed he hadn’t raped her, which meant he could safely accuse Nick of assault because he was a vindictive narcissist. And a goddamned coward.

  “Come on, Nick. Just tell me what really happened. Trey is claiming you started a fight with him over Beth that night, and unless we’re looking at two separate incidents….”

  “I can’t tell you what happened.”

  “Nick, please.”

  He shook his head.

  “It doesn’t matter what he says right now, anyhow, Dean Harris. The formal accusation has been made, and he’s going to be spending the night in jail.”

  “I am very well aware of that, Steve, but there are university-level sanctions he deserves to be made aware of before you haul him off.”

  “They can wait until after he’s been read his rights. Nicholas Hammond,” Officer Rogers said, “you are under arrest for assaulting Trey Holt on the night of August twenty-ninth. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you….”

  Nick vaguely heard Rogers recite the rest of his Miranda rights amidst the raging flood of emotions. The unfairness of it all nearly destroyed his resolve to maintain his silence on Beth’s behalf, and internally, he railed against the position he’d been put in. He’d never in his life gotten so much as a speeding ticket, yet here he was facing at least one night in jail and who knew what other consequences. Would he be allowed to finish school if he was convicted? Even if he wasn’t, would he be able to salvage this semester and still graduate on time? What would his parents think?

  One question shoved all the rest out of his mind, and it made him ill.

  What about Beth?

  Terror seized him when he realized he wouldn’t be here to protect her if Trey tried anything tonight, and he doubled over, bracing his hands on his knees as fear shifted sickeningly into helplessness and then into bitterness. This wouldn’t be happening if she would just report the rape because that would make his actions perfectly legal within the scope of self-defense. And yet, even as he thought it, he hated himself. The consequences for her would be far worse than those he faced. His future was set—as long as his parents didn’t decide to disinherit him for this—with or without a college degree. If Beth were to report the rape, she would be dragged through the whole thing again and again as the Holts tried to discredit her claim.

  “What about school?” he heard himself ask because he needed something—anything—else to focus on. “What sanctions?”

  “University policy states that your arrest requires me to take immediate action to—and I’m quoting the policy here, not accusing you—maintain the safety of the students at this campus. Because of your flawless record and outstanding service to this campus,” Rob said, pausing to glance pointedly at Rogers, “I am allowed to place you on disciplinary probation rather than temporarily suspended.”

  “Disciplinary probation? What does that mean?”

  “Pending a verdict or dismissal of charges due to lack of evidence…” Rob again paused with a scowl that said clearly he believed there wasn’t enough evidence of assault to warrant charges. “…you are prohibited from attending classes. However, you will be able to continue your coursework independently through arrangements made with your professors. You will also maintain your residence in the dorms and your position as Resident Assistant. There are additional conditions. You are to stay at least fifty feet away from Trey at all times, and you are not allowed to enter the JDC compl
ex other that to retrieve your mail or visit my office.”

  All in all, it was more than Nick would have expected and quite generous. Nick met the dean’s gaze. It was a friend, not the Dean of Students, he saw and who pleaded silently with him to reconsider, and amidst the darker emotions, gratitude blossomed, and he almost buckled.

  “I do not believe this was assault,” Dean Harris continued. “I know in my heart that it was self-defense, but I can’t prove it without your help, Nick. The only people who know what happened that night are you, Beth, and Trey. And the only one talking is Trey. You are facing jail time and possibly a fine. Do you understand that?”

  Nick straightened, bolstered by the knowledge that Dean Harris believed him and believed in him. It reaffirmed his conviction that he was doing the right thing by protecting Beth from further torment. With a firm voice, he replied, “I understand, sir, and I accept the consequences of my actions.”

  “Then there’s nothing I can do to help you right now.”

  “Thank you for trying. I appreciate it.”

  The dean turned to Rogers. “Does he really look or act like a kid who would assault someone over a girl?”

  “It’s not my job to make that kind of call,” Rogers replied. “If you’d turn around with your hands behind your back, Mr. Hammond….”

  “That’s really not necessary, Steve,” Rob said.

  “I’ll say what’s necessary. Mr. Hammond?”

  Nick turned his back to the cop, cringing at the uncomfortable pull on his still-healing shoulder when he put his wrists together. He looked up and immediately noticed that his brothers, Beth, Michelle, June, and Aelissm watched from the doorway of the cafeteria. Michelle mouthed the words, Please, just tell them. He held her gaze a moment, sensing that he was staring at the end of his relationship. Not because he thought she’d break up with him for being arrested but because he was once again putting Beth before her. He pinched his eyes closed and clenched his jaw, but it did little to assuage the throbbing regret.

  When he opened his eyes again, Henry and Aaron were staring over their shoulders at Trey, who watched from across the cafeteria with a smug gleam in his eyes. Nick consciously had to relax his hands to keep them from curling into fists. He held Trey’s gaze until, to his surprise, Beth spoke.