First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  “What are you thinking about?” Michelle asked.

  “Home,” he replied, returning his attention to her. “And how much I love this time of year.”

  Michelle laughed softly. “I just wish it didn’t have to give way to winter cold. I’m not ready for snow yet. And speaking of snow… how was your trail drive this weekend? Did it snow on you up there?”

  “Yep. It was cold and miserable, but I still had a good time.”

  “Of course you did.” Michelle smiled. “We just got rain down here.”

  Nick sipped his coffee and peered out the window again, mesmerized by the almost constant fall of leaves. The wind seemed determined to strip the tree bare by the time he and Michelle finished their beverages.

  “So,” Michelle said, drawing out the single syllable. “How have you been?”

  “I’m all right. You?”

  “I’m good.”

  Again, they lapsed into silence, and Nick studied her. There was a shyness in her expression he hadn’t seen since their first few dates but also simmering regret and something else he thought might be hope. The latter wasn’t directed at him, he decided, because it disappeared when she met his gaze.

  “This doesn’t have to be awkward, Michelle. Our situation has changed, but we haven’t.”

  She lowered her gaze again. “I know that. And I’m sorry for avoiding you. I just thought it would be best if we had some time apart while we adjusted.” Clearing her throat, she added, “That and I’ve been getting reacquainted with a guy I was interested in before I met you. I wanted to get to know him a little better without you and Beth around to confuse my emotions.”

  “Confuse you how?”

  “I haven’t entirely gotten used to our shift from a romantic to a platonic relationship, and I don’t want my lingering feelings for you influencing my decisions about this new guy. I need a clear head because I like him, and I don’t want to screw it up because I think he could be another keeper like you… and one who isn’t already taken.”

  Nick winced, reminded again that he hadn’t been fair to Michelle in their last days together. He had no idea what he could have done differently, other than to end their relationship sooner, but honestly, that didn’t seem any better. “What’s his name?”

  “Sam Delanney. I don’t know that you’ve ever met him.”

  “The name sounds familiar.”

  “I, uh, met him before you asked me out. I may have mentioned him in passing.”

  “Ah.”

  “Anyhow, I think he wanted to ask me out then, but he’s a bit shy.” Michelle wrapped her fingers around her coffee and took a sip, then eyed him. “Would you be offended if I started dating him? Or is it too soon?”

  “While I appreciate your consideration of my feelings, it’s none of my business who you date. No, I wouldn’t be offended at all. If he makes you happy, go for it.” More lightly, he added, “Don’t screw it up on my account.”

  When she grinned, he understood that this Sam was the reason for the hope he’d seen on her face, and as strange as it might be to think of her dating someone else, he did put her happiness first and was pleased that she wanted to move on.

  “What about you? Have you asked Beth out?”

  “No.”

  “Well, why not?”

  “For one, I need a little time to adjust. Just like you. So does Beth.”

  “Don’t be stupid, Nick. I didn’t leave the door open for you two so you could mess it all up by not acting.”

  “It’s a lot more complicated than that, Michelle.”

  “Why? Because Trey says you attacked him because you were jealous that Beth was with him instead of you? Come on, Nick. That’s a lame excuse.”

  “Maybe it would be if it weren’t for the assault charge. It’d be rather foolish, don’t you think, to announce to everyone that Beth and I are now dating? That’d pretty much be admitting Trey was right… even if that’s not the truth.”

  “Who says you have to announce it? Unless you plan on making out in front of everyone, who will know?”

  Nick admitted that he didn’t have an argument for that. And the truth was, he did want to ask Beth out. Unable to come up with any other reasons why he couldn’t, he simply shrugged.

  “Ask her out, Nick. Before anything else happens.”

  “You’re sure you are okay with that?”

  “I broke up with you so you could go out with her didn’t I?”

  “You said you weren’t going to fight a battle you knew you couldn’t win. That’s not the same thing.”

  “Perhaps not,” she replied. She was silent for a moment as she searched his face before elaborating. “But I’m okay with it. If I wasn’t or if I didn’t think she was right for you, do you honestly think I would’ve given you up? Come on, Nick. I’m way too stubborn.”

  He sat back in his chair and laughed. “I’d say you’re more determined than stubborn. And also refreshingly sure of yourself. I’ve always appreciated that about you.”

  “I’m pretty sure Beth has those same qualities.”

  “She does. They’ve just been shaken, and it’s going to take some time to fully rebuild them.”

  “I know it’s not much consolation to either of you, but I’m really very sorry for whatever happened.”

  “Yeah. Me, too.”

  “I hope a romantic element hasn’t made your friendship with her feel too weird.”

  He shook his head. “No. The opposite, actually. It’s like there’s always been a fence between us, and it’s gone now. I can’t speak for Beth, but to me, it feels like our friendship is stronger and more open than it’s ever been.”

  Michelle grinned. “I told you so.” She leaned forward, and her expression softened. “So, this means we can set the awkwardness aside and start being friends now, right?”

  “Right,” he agreed.

  After that, their conversation turned to lighter topics. They laughed about past adventures, talked about their classes, and Nick’s duties as RA, his brothers and her sister, and a dozen other topics. It was nice to sit down and talk with her and shove the thoughts of his impending trial and the ongoing troubles with Trey far from his mind. There was something more—a worry Nick hadn’t even been aware of eased. He had been afraid of completely losing Michelle and was glad to know that they would be able to move ahead as friends, that they would—and sooner rather than later—be comfortable with their new arrangement. Amidst the confusion and stress of everything else, that knowledge was a beacon of hope that life would eventually settle down again.

  At ten minutes to nine, Michelle excused herself to head to class, and Nick returned to his room. There was a folded piece of notebook paper taped to his door, and even before he took it down and opened it, he had a pretty good idea of whom it was from. It was a rough drawing of a pair of handcuffs, captioned with, That’s what you get for sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. It wasn’t signed, but Nick easily recognized Trey’s handwriting. He nearly crumpled the note, then thought better of it. He had no idea yet how he or Beth would be able to use these presents from Trey and his friends, but he knew she was right to keep them, so he set the note on top of his mini fridge to give to her when she got out of class.

  Rather than ensconcing himself at his desk, he grabbed his books and notebook and flopped on his couch. He didn’t immediately get to work, however. His mind was instead preoccupied with his conversation with Michelle. There was another reason why he hadn’t yet asked Beth out that he hadn’t mentioned. He wasn’t sure yet if she was ready, and he would not jeopardize her recovery or their future—whatever it might hold—by moving too fast.

  Beth had clung to the good mood their fishing trip last Thursday had brought her, but it had slowly weakened as the days passed and Trey relentlessly continued his campaign of harassment. The last glimmer of it evaporated when she and Nick reached his dorm room and found yet another gift.

  “That one’s actually pretty inspired,” Nick rem
arked, nodding his head toward the stuffed yellow duck leaning against his door. Someone had dressed it in the old-time black and white stripes of a prison uniform. “Jailbird. Funny. I’m surprised Trey came up with something that creative.”

  “I’m sure he had help,” Beth replied, scowling at the stuffed animal.

  Trey’s pranks leaned more toward the crude, like the box of condoms he’d tied to the antenna of her car on Thursday. She wasn’t sure he was capable of something so creative.

  The muscle in Nick’s jaw twitched as he bent down to pick up the stuffed animal. With a humorless smile, he said, “I may have to keep this one.”

  Beth took the duck from him and dropped it on the floor. Turning fully toward him, she brushed her fingertips along his jaw and slid her hands around the back of his neck. For the briefest moment, his guard dropped, and she saw in his kind blue eyes a glimpse of the pain and frustration he was struggling to quell. “Don’t, Nick.”

  “Why not?”

  “We don’t need any more reminders of all this than we have already.”

  She threaded her arms around his neck, drawing herself up on her toes to hug him tightly, wishing everything else were as simple and easy as being with him. If she had worried that shifting their relationship into a different gear would somehow change their effortless interactions, she would have been dead wrong. Even the rape did not seem to have affected how comfortable she was with Nick, perhaps because they’d been friends so long or because she’d always known instinctively that he would never hurt her or because he’d been the one to save her. She didn’t know why, and she didn’t really care, either.

  “Fine, I won’t keep it,” he said with a trace of his usual humor in his words. “Why don’t you take it downstairs to your room and put it in the box with the rest of the crap while I get my assignments. Then I’ll walk over to Main Hall with you and turn them in while you meet with Dr. Keller.”

  “I still have a half hour before I’m supposed to meet with him,” she replied.

  “Maybe he’ll be in his office. If we get this stuff out of the way, we can head out to Northstar early.”

  “I thought you had some RA thing to do this afternoon.”

  “I traded with Joe for next Friday.”

  “Ah. In that case….” She kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you in a couple minutes.”

  Beth grabbed the duck and took it downstairs, astonished that there weren’t any surprises waiting for her. She dropped the stuffed animal in the cardboard box with the rest of her evidence and stared at it all for a minute. The same anger that had claimed her last week when she’d retorted so sharply to Rich saturated her, and she clenched her jaw, furious that Trey was getting away with all this garbage… that he felt the need to do it. Hadn’t he done enough to satisfy whatever cruelty possessed him?

  “Obviously not,” she muttered. “And this is getting ridiculous.”

  She reached down and picked up the box, set it on the corner of her desk and folded the flaps closed, deciding it was time to do something—anything—about the harassment. She locked her door behind her and headed back upstairs. Nick was waiting for her on the landing by the door, and he eyed the box.

  “What are you doing with that?”

  “Something I probably should have done when Trey wrote the first insult on my whiteboard. I’m taking it to Dean Harris. He may not be able to do anything because we can’t honestly prove Trey and his friends are the ones doing this, but he might be inclined to keep an eye on them. And you never know. Maybe he’ll catch them at it.”

  “Do you need me to come with you?”

  “No, go turn your assignments in because Smith has a class in fifteen minutes, and you might not catch him again today.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’ll be okay, Nick. I know you’re allowed to go to Rob’s office, but it’s probably best if you don’t go into JDC unless you absolutely need to.”

  “Meet you in Main Hall, then.”

  She nodded and headed toward JDC. With most students in the cafeteria still or eating lunch in town, the campus was remarkably quiet. It was possible that Dean Harris wouldn’t be in his office, but he had been known to eat lunch at work. Luck was with her, and the girl at the desk in the Student Life Office informed her that the Dean of Students was indeed in.

  “Beth, how are you?” Rob asked when she stepped into his office and closed the door.

  “Better… and not.”

  “What do you have there?”

  “Some presents from Trey. He and his friends have been leaving them for me and Nick.”

  She set the box on his desk and opened it. He stood and peered inside, the lifted out the fuzzy pink handcuffs.

  “He left those on Nick’s door sometime the Sunday before last. They were hanging on his doorknob when we came back from Northstar.”

  “And these?” Dean Harris asked, holding up the box of condoms.

  “Found them tied to my car’s antenna on Thursday. There is more, too. Trey—I’m certain it’s him because it’s his handwriting—has been leaving nasty messages on my whiteboard. I finally took it down the same day he left the condoms on my car.”

  “Nasty messages? Such as?”

  “Slut, whore, thanks for the ride, and the morning he left the condoms, he wrote ‘Nick’s little bitch’.”

  Dean Harris swore under his breath. “I am so sorry you’re going through this, Beth, especially after everything else. I wish you’d brought it to my attention sooner.”

  “I hoped he’d get bored.”

  “Are you sure it’s Trey doing this?”

  “Other than his handwriting, I can’t prove it, but who else do you think would do it? I know you can’t really do anything about this without proof, but I thought if you knew, you might be able to keep an eye on him… see if you can catch him at it.”

  “There’s not much I can do at this point, but I can have a talk with him, and I will absolutely be watching. This is, unquestionably, harassment.”

  “Do you mind if I keep this for now? I think Hal McInerny might be interested in it.”

  “It’s yours to do with as you see fit,” the dean replied. “Between you and me, I am impressed you had the forethought to keep it all, and I’m sure Mr. McInerny will be quite interested in it.”

  Beth smiled and excused herself. She dropped the box off in her room, grabbed her notebook and a pen, and headed over to Main Hall. She was almost to the steps when she heard Trey’s voice.

  “Hey, Beth!”

  She looked around to see where he was and found him strolling toward her from the admin building.

  As soon as he saw that she’d spotted him, he rubbed his palm over his crotch and shouted, “I’m ready for round two whenever you are, babe!”

  The thought of what he was proposing made her ill. Nausea churned her stomach, and she hurried up the steps into Main Hall before the bile had a chance to spill into her mouth. She tucked herself into the corner just inside the door and tipped her head back to quell the queasiness. Peering through the window in the heavy, antique door, she watched Trey strut into Mathews Hall and dreaded finding out what would greet her or Nick when they returned to their rooms.

  Pressing her fist to her lips, she closed her eyes for a moment and forced herself to calm down. She was okay. Trey hadn’t followed her, and Nick was just upstairs. She climbed the staircase slowly, methodically, and as she ascended to the second floor, she heard voices and laughter that was decidedly callous. When she peeked around the corner at the top of the stairs, she discovered the source of the commotion. Nick sat in a chair outside Dr. Smith’s office a quarter of the way down the long hall, pretending to read his papers while two of Trey’s friends—Rich and Eric—stood beside him, obviously harassing him. Even from this distance, she could see the irritation on his face plainly, but he was otherwise ignoring them.

  “Come on, Hammond,” Rich taunted. “If you’re such a brawler now, why don’t you show us?”
>
  Beth strode forward, and anger seared away the nausea. Just before she reached them, Eric lightly slapped Nick, who jerked his head up and smiled so coldly that she shivered.

  “Go ahead and do that again. Please. Give me an excuse to defend myself.”

  Eric reached to slap him again, harder, but Beth pushed him away. “Leave him alone!” she snapped. “I am so sick of your juvenile bullshit! Yours and Trey’s. Grow up or go back to preschool.”

  “Oh, come on, babe,” Rich said. “We’re just having a little fun with him.”

  “It won’t be so fun when you find yourself explaining to the cops how you started the fight and still got your butts handed to you.”

  “Yeah, right. He ain’t that tough.”

  “You sure about that?” Beth asked. She considered her words very carefully, knowing she couldn’t admit that he’d taken Trey down with little effort. She was trying to keep Nick out of trouble, not cause more for him. “I’m pretty sure you’d be a lot easier to take down than a three-hundred-pound calf at branding time.”

  “We’re not some stupid cows,” Rich retorted.

  “You know, you’re right. The calves are a lot smarter. Come on, Nick. You can turn in your assignments later.”

  Nick stood and followed her toward the stairs with a combination of relief and gratitude on his face.

  Before they’d gone twenty steps, Eric remarked loudly, “Behold! The power of pussy.” Rich laughed, so Eric added, “Not that I blame you, Hammond. I’d love to hit that, too. Think I can have a turn when you’re done with her?”

  Nick spun around and stalked toward them. “What the hell did you just say?”

  “Nick!” Beth yelled. “Stop it!”