First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  “Like what?” he inquired distractedly.

  “Well, for one, I never realized how sexy you are, and it shocked me like you wouldn’t believe the moment I truly saw it.” She sat back on her heels and made a show of appraising him, then whistled appreciatively. “I must’ve been completely blind to have missed it before.”

  He swore under his breath but grinned as his face reddened.

  “There’s my Nick,” Beth murmured.

  The flush of embarrassment faded, replaced by again by her favorite gentle smile. “It seems like more and more of your sense of humor returns every day now. I missed it so much.”

  “Mmm. Me, too.” She sat quietly with him for a while, then turned to him again. “But I wasn’t joking. Right before my eyes—even if I didn’t notice until recently—you turned into a very sexy man, Nick. Does that make you uncomfortable?”

  “No. Why?”

  “Because you look really uncomfortable right now.”

  “Beth, I have spent my entire life believing that you are only a friend, and while I’ll admit I’ve understood on some level since about middle school that you are very beautiful, I’ve never allowed myself to think about you like that, and it’s going to be a hard habit to break.”

  “I can understand that… and yet, for me, it has so far been surprisingly easy to break.”

  “You really think so?”

  “Mmm-hmm.”

  He twisted so fast that she couldn’t react other than to squeal in surprise, and she found herself on her back on the blanket with the length of his body on top her hers. He cradled her head and shoulders in his hands and arms, bracing himself above her on his forearms, and without waiting for her permission, kissed her so passionately that the momentary jolt of surprise winked out as sensation burned through her. It was so different from kissing Trey, even though she was as entirely at Nick’s mercy as she had been at Trey’s. Perhaps the ease with which he overpowered her should terrify her, but it only reinforced her trust in him. There was no worry that he would take it too far and no wish he would stop, only an invigorating pulse of anticipation and desire for more. For several pounding beats of her heart, she thought he’d give in to the desire that he obviously felt, but disappointingly, he pulled away. He did, however, let his lips linger against hers as if he struggled to resist coming back for more. When she opened her eyes, she saw that his were still closed, and she couldn’t gauge his expression other than to think that he was conflicted.

  “If you were trying to prove me wrong,” she said breathlessly, “you failed miserably.”

  He opened his eyes, and she realized that he hadn’t been as lost in the moment as she’d thought—or hoped. “That didn’t remind you at all of what Trey did?” he asked.

  “There might have been a moment of fear or shock, but it was so brief that I’m not sure if I actually felt it or only expected to.” She reached up to brush her fingertips across his cheek. “You make me free and whole again.”

  “I can’t believe how far you’ve come,” he murmured, trailing kisses from her cheek, along her jaw, and down her neck. She shivered as delightful tingles coursed over her skin. “I was afraid you still couldn’t be or wouldn’t want to be touched, and yet, when I kiss you or hold you, there’s no hesitation.”

  “I have come a long way,” she agreed. “Because of you. I’m sure that if any other guy tried to touch me, it’d be an entirely different story, but from the very beginning of this whole ordeal, you’ve chased away the nightmares and propped me up when I felt like I couldn’t stand on my own. When I’m in your arms, I’m safe. Looking at it like that, I’m not at all surprised I can—and really, really do—enjoy your touch. Is it really that awkward for you?”

  “When I don’t think about it and just let myself feel, it isn’t awkward at all. It’s… right.”

  “Then don’t think,” she said simply.

  He sat back on his heels, gathered her into his arms so she was again straddling him, and held her close for several minutes. She cradled his head against her chest and pinched her eyes closed, wishing she could help him like he’d helped her.

  “I feel like we’ve switched roles a little,” she whispered. “You’ve been supporting me for weeks now, helping me pull myself back together… and now you’re the one who’s struggling not to fall apart. It’s not fair.”

  He didn’t respond, but the truth of her statement was reflected plainly in his eyes when he loosened his hold on her and in the twitching muscle in his jaw as he clenched his teeth. Beth had only once felt so helpless, and she didn’t like feeling this way again, knowing that he didn’t want her to do the one thing that would make all this go away. She couldn’t erase what had happened from their memories and knew that neither of them would ever be the same again, but she could stop the ongoing torment Trey was putting them through, which would allow them to move forward. She was still terrified by the thought of facing her ex-boyfriend or reporting the rape, but she could do it for Nick, and in a moment of absolute clarity she understood why.

  I’ve always loved you, she thought as she tilted his face toward hers and kissed him gently. But I’m pretty sure I’m now in love with you, Nick Hammond.

  Fourteen

  “Where do you want me to hang these?” Nick asked Beth, pulling a string of purple mini-lights out of her box of Halloween decorations.

  “Um, how about around the window? I think I want to put the orange ones around the door.”

  He chuckled and reached for the box of pushpins sitting on her nightstand, glancing away at the last minute when the plug of the lights snagged on the box. When he stretched to tug it loose, he tapped the pushpins off the back of the nightstand.

  “Crap.”

  He leaned over the top of the nightstand, but the pushpins had vanished, so he maneuvered the heavy piece of furniture out from the wall with a grunt. “Well, it’s definitely of very sturdy construction,” he remarked before he peered around it.

  “Yeah. I can’t move that thing by myself,” Beth replied. “Or I would have scooted it over by my desk. Except for the top drawer, it’s full of notebooks and pens and paper and school stuff.”

  “You should have said something. I would’ve moved it for you. Ah, here they are. Along with three pens, a sock, and… looks like a tape recorder. Is this the one you lost the night…?”

  He didn’t finish his statement and didn’t need to; both he and Beth knew exactly what night the tape recorder had disappeared. She took the device from him and stared at it with a bemused smile and a shake of her head.

  “Well, that figures.”

  “Didn’t you end up buying a new one?”

  “I had to. How else was I supposed to get that ad done?”

  “You could have borrowed mine. You probably could have kept it, too, because I’ve never really used it.”

  “I didn’t even think to ask you… but then, I wasn’t exactly in a logical frame of mind.”

  She pulled open the middle drawer and set the tape recorder inside.

  “Do you want me to move this thing for you?”

  “Nah. I’ve gotten used to it where it is. C’mon.” She draped a string of orange lights around his neck and stood on her toes to kiss him briefly. “Let’s get back to work.”

  “If everyone on your floor is as gung-ho about decorating for Halloween as you are, you’ll definitely be beating my floor in the hall contest again this year. I can’t even think about decorating for it until a week before.”

  “Where’s the fun in that? Besides, Halloween is only two and a half weeks away.” She turned around again and regarded him with a tilt of her head and a grin. “Consider this fair warning that you’ll have this level of enthusiasm to look forward to every holiday.”

  “I’m not unfamiliar with your penchant for holiday decorations, Beth. And, for the record, I’ve always thought it was cute.”

  Nick smiled and climbed up on the heater to hang the purple lights around the window. He didn�
��t say it, but the thought of helping her decorate for Thanksgiving and Christmas… and New Years, Valentine’s Day, and St. Patrick’s Day and any other holiday she wanted to celebrate was entirely appealing. Especially because decorating brought out an element of her he hadn’t seen nearly enough of in the weeks since the rape—her vibrant and irresistible delight in the simple pleasures of life. He didn’t dislike holiday festivities; he just hadn’t ever gotten as involved as Beth. His smile widened as he recalled when they were in middle school and she had come over to help his mother decorate because Tracie’s houseful of boys thought decorating for Christmas was for girls. Nick and his brothers had helped their father put up the lights outside—that was manly work, after all—but had otherwise shunned the rest. He never would have admitted it then, but he’d secretly watched his mother and Beth, envious of their laughter and obvious enjoyment and wishing he could join in. Beth had helped Tracie decorate for Christmas every year since, even after Nick and his brothers had gotten over their too-cool-for-this attitudes in high school.

  “What are you grinning about?” Beth asked.

  “I was just thinking about the year you started helping my mom put up the Christmas decorations.”

  “Oh, really. What made you think of that?”

  “This,” he replied, gesturing to the lights and the other decorations strewn about her room in varying states of being set out. “I’m old enough and humble enough now to admit that you and Mom were so much fun to watch. The way you both got so excited about it… it was fascinating, and I was a little jealous. Mom’d never say it, but I think you became even more her honorary daughter that day than you already were.”

  “Every woman needs a daughter to help with that kind of thing,” Beth said. “Or so my mother tells me.”

  “I imagine that’s true.” He laughed. “My poor mother. Yet another victim of the Hammond curse.”

  “Ah, yes. How long has it been since a girl was born to the Hammond line?”

  “Well, the last was my great-great-grandfather’s sister, Gemma, so what is that, four generations now without a girl?”

  “When I think about how you and your brothers refused to help your mother that year… it makes me kinda glad we Carlyles have always had a pretty even mix of girls and boys.” She put her hand on her hip and studied him. “I have to say, though, it takes a strong woman to give her boys such an amazing respect for women.”

  “My mother is incredible,” Nick agreed. “But the jury’s still out on how well she taught us boys to behave.”

  “The jury may still be out on your brothers, but from where I’m standing, your mother did a very good job with you. I wish Trey’s had done the same.”

  “So do I, Beth. Can we not talk about him right now, though? We’re having fun.”

  “You’re right. Let’s not ruin it.”

  He jumped down from the heater, careful not to land on the string of lights Beth had draped around his neck. With pushpins in hand, he strode over to her open door and plugged the lights in to make sure they all worked, looped them around himself a few more times, then turned to her and asked, “What do you think?”

  “Adorable,” she replied with a giggle.

  She joined him at the door and reached to unwrap the lights, but he captured her hand and threaded their fingers together, then rested his free hand on her waist.

  “We need to go dancing again,” she murmured. “There’s a potluck coming up at the Bedspread Inn in a couple weeks, right? Marge and Roger usually play music so people can dance.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” He lowered his head to kiss the curve between her neck and shoulder.

  “Knock, knock!”

  Nick closed his eyes briefly, mildly irritated by the interruption, then let go of Beth and turned to smile at his ex-girlfriend. Michelle grinned at him, and he returned it.

  “Looks like you two are having fun,” she remarked. “Uh, you’re a little tied up there, Nick.”

  “So it would seem.”

  “How are you, Michelle?” Beth asked politely.

  She looked a little miffed about the interruption as well, he noted, but she also appeared to be genuinely happy to see Michelle. That was something of a relief because he hadn’t been entirely sure she would be as comfortable with him remaining friends with Michelle as she’d said. Then again… since they’d made the shift in their relationship official, she had seemed secure in the knowledge that he was entirely hers.

  “I’m good. I have a favor to ask, however. Nick, you know Sam Delanney asked me out last week, right?”

  He nodded.

  “If it wouldn’t be too awkward, would you and Beth join us for a double date tonight? I know it’s short notice, but I was hoping you two would vet him for me… like you used to do for each other.”

  “Sure,” Beth replied. “That sounds like fun.”

  “Where and when?” Nick inquired, raising his brows at Beth’s quick affirmative.

  “We were planning on the Lion’s Den at six.”

  “Would it be all right if we change the location? Beth and I are trying to keep our relationship quiet, and I don’t think it’d be a good idea to go out on a date in town where Trey or any of his friends might see us.”

  “Okay, but even before you were officially dating, you were very close, so I don’t think anyone would think it strange.”

  “I’d rather play it safe, if that’s all right. How about the Lakeview Lodge? I took you there once this summer.”

  “Oh, I didn’t even think about that place! That’d be even better. I’ll tell Sam.”

  “All right. We’ll meet you there at six.”

  Watching Michelle stride away down the hall, Nick was amazed that he no longer felt regret for the termination of their relationship and even less pull toward her—further proof that perhaps he and Beth had always been meant to be together. It hadn’t been too long ago that he’d seriously thought Michelle would permanently claim the place in his life that was now firmly Beth’s.

  He folded his arms around his girlfriend and kissed the top of her head. “Are you sure you’re all right going on a double date with Sam and Michelle? It won’t be awkward for you?”

  “Surprisingly, no. I really do like her, Nick, and if all this hadn’t happened, I would have been happy to see the two of you stay together, but I trust what we have. At first, I was worried it was just a combination of your sense of duty to protect me and my gratitude for that, but this feels too right to be anything so flimsy or short-lived.”

  Tenderly, he lowered his mouth to hers, amazed again that she kissed him back so readily and so boldly. He hoped he’d never take the trust she placed in him for granted.

  “I should probably call and make a reservation,” he murmured. “And then we should probably clean up here and get ready to go. It’s already five, and it’ll take twenty minutes to get to the Lakeview Lodge.”

  He picked up Beth’s phonebook, located the phone number for the restaurant, and dialed it.

  “Lakeview Lodge, this is Crystal. How can I help you?”

  “Good evening. I need to make reservations for four for six o’clock,” Nick replied, lifting his arms so Beth could unwrap the orange mini-lights from around him. “Preferably by the windows, if that’s possible.”

  “It certainly is. What name should I put your reservation under?”

  “Hammond.”

  “All right. I have you down for a window table at six o’clock, Mr. Hammond. We’ll see you soon.”

  “Thank you.”

  Nick ended the call and helped Beth stow the decorations remaining to be put up with a promise he’d help her finish later. He tried not to think about all the classwork he still had left to finish that he hadn’t been able to work on over the weekend. Monday morning he’d gotten new copies of assignments from his professors, who had thankfully been understanding when he’d explained why he needed them, and he had managed to make a pretty good dent in the pile this week. He should have kept going
because it was all due by tomorrow afternoon, but when Beth had asked him to help decorate her room, he’d gleefully grabbed at the chance to give his brain a break. And now, they were going out to dinner when he should be getting back to work because he couldn’t push away the fear that doing all that work would turn out to be a waste of time.

  “Why are you frowning?” Beth asked.

  He shook his head, not wanting to bother her with his frustrations. Besides, it wasn’t anything they hadn’t already discussed, and talking about it was useless because they couldn’t do anything at the moment but wait to see how everything would play out.

  “Talk to me, Nick.”

  “There’s not much to talk about. Just the same old worries.”

  “Do you not want to go out with Sam and Michelle?”

  “No, the problem is that I do want to… but I shouldn’t. I still have a lot of catching up to do.”

  “And you’re thinking there’s no point because you won’t be allowed to graduate.”

  He nodded.

  “In that case, maybe you need the break more than you need to get back to work.”

  “That’s why I didn’t decline dinner with Sam and Michelle. And speaking of that, we really do need to get moving. I’m going to run up to my room and change into something a little nicer, and then I’ll be back down to get you.”

  He gave her a quick kiss and pulled her door closed behind him. Habitually, he glanced both ways down the hall and caught sight of someone—a male someone dressed in faded blue jeans, a tan Carhartt coat and nearly worn-out lace-up cowboy boots—jogging up the stairs toward the south door. Frowning, Nick trotted down the hall and up the stairs, hoping to make it to the door in time to see who it was. No such luck. Whoever it was had disappeared around the corner of the sand-colored brick building that housed the pool and wood shops. He shrugged it off. Beth’s floor connected to the cafeteria, and it wasn’t uncommon for students who didn’t reside in it to use it during mealtimes.