First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

“Beth… please. It’ll only make it worse. I can’t sit back and watch what he did tear you apart again.”

  She watched him for a long time, searching his face until at last the anger drained out of her and she sighed. Relief shuddered through him, and he finally found the peace of mind—however temporary and however feeble—to put his key in the ignition and start his truck. He refused to think about what tomorrow would bring but wondered if he should even bother trying to finish the assignments that were due. The time would probably be better spent packing up his dorm.

  Nick didn’t say anything on the ride back to campus, and the hollow, vacant shadow in his eyes scared Beth even more than the rage that had claimed him not so long ago; she was all too familiar with that paralyzing emptiness and hopelessness, so she didn’t press the matter of doing something to stop Trey’s harassment because it would only distress Nick more. That didn’t mean she planned to let it go, however. It was all too clear now that she had to do something.

  While Nick drove, Beth considered her options. No one seemed to believe she could convince Trey to take back the allegation, and on some level, she knew she could beg him until she lost her voice and he’d just laugh, so she didn’t intend to try anything so polite. Anyhow, the decision of whether or not to drop the charges rested with the county attorney. No, she was all too aware now of how deep Trey’s selfishness ran, and she needed to make him see that pursuing his allegations against Nick and continuing his despicable and childish antics were not in his best interests. She understood that threatening to report the rape would not be enough, but if there was any chance at all that she could prevent the very public battle reporting it would undoubtedly become, she had to try.

  She pushed the matter from her mind for the time being when Nick parked on Cornell Street near the front door of Mathews Hall. They walked around to the door closest to his room in silence until Beth looked up and caught sight of the scattering of stars glittering in the purple twilight. She tugged on his hand to stop him, then took his other hand and pressed her body against his before settling his hands on her hips and sliding her hands up his chest. He sighed, and a little life returned to his gaze.

  “I guess the secret’s fully out now,” he murmured. “No use trying to keep it anymore.”

  “Nope,” she replied and drew herself up to kiss him.

  It amazed her still how natural it was to lock lips with him when only a couple months ago she had never wondered what it would feel like. There was the familiarity of their long friendship but also a newness that left her breathless. She’d always considered a woman’s ability to distract a man to be a mostly useless trick, but right now, with Nick’s attention focused entirely on her, she realized that it could be a very powerful and helpful tool.

  “Whatever happens, Beth,” he whispered, touching his forehead to hers, “I want you to know that I love you. I probably have for a lot longer than I realized.”

  She hugged him tightly but didn’t say it back even though she felt it with every beat of her heart. She didn’t deserve his love yet, not while she continued to let him shoulder the consequences of this god-awful mess, none of which were his to bear. After she turned the tables on Trey and set things right… then she could say it, and she would.

  They headed inside and upstairs to his room, and he immediately called Hal about the fight. The conversation was quick, and Beth figured Hal would immediately call the manager of the Lakeview Lodge to verify the story and gather any evidence he could to protect Nick from the consequences. After he hung up the phone, Nick braced his forearms against the wall and rested his forehead against them with his eyes closed. Even from where Beth sat on the couch, she could see him quivering with the kind of weariness that a good night’s sleep couldn’t erase.

  The mood to finish decorating her room for Halloween had been thoroughly destroyed, though Beth got up and picked a Halloween movie in an attempt to revive the holiday spirit. Then she sat on one end of Nick’s couch and patted her leg, inviting him to stretch out beside her. He obeyed, resting his head on her thigh with one arm draped across her lap and his hand on her waist. She combed her fingers through his soft, dark blonde hair and ignored the movie—one of her favorites—in favor of focusing her attention on Nick. She liked the way he’d wrapped himself around her and how he let her soothe him. It made her feel like he needed her as much as she needed him and like she had some control over this situation, even if all she could really do at the moment was chase away his dark thoughts.

  “I can’t stop him,” Nick said quietly after a while. “No matter what I do. I’ve tried to take the high road, to ignore him as best I can, and he won’t let me. Now I’m totally screwed. There’s no way I won’t get kicked out of school and convicted now, not after tonight. And that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is that I feel like I’m failing you.”

  “Jesus Christ, Nick, you are not failing me. Why on earth would you think that?”

  “I can’t make this go away any more than I could stop it from happening.”

  “You’ve done everything for me. If it weren’t for you….”

  She didn’t finish the thought because she knew what would have happened to her if Nick hadn’t been there to pick her up and put her back together. She’d have quit school, retreated to her family’s ranch, and spent who knew how long avoiding Devyn for fear that she might run into Trey. If Nick hadn’t reminded her with his tender hugs and caresses that other men wouldn’t hurt her like Trey had, she would have flinched every time a man—even a friend—tried to touch her or moved too quickly. Instead, she reveled in the warmth of Nick’s hand on her waist, the weight of his head on her thigh, and the simple and surprisingly soothing pleasure of touching him in return. And rather than resigning herself to a lonely future, she had hope she would still be able to embrace her future husband without reservation or fear. She even had hope that she would have a husband someday… and a prayer that it would be Nick. She couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone the way she loved him or trusting anyone else so completely.

  All her thoughts led her to one conclusion. He had been protecting her since the beginning of this ordeal, but now he needed someone to protect him. It was time she dealt with Trey, like she should have done weeks ago. And she had to do it alone because she knew Nick would try to stop her.

  “If anyone other than Trey is to blame, it would be me,” Beth remarked. “But definitely not you. You warned me that he was changing for the worse, and if I had listened to you, none of this would have happened.”

  “Beth, it’s not—”

  “I know it’s not my fault, Nick, and I even believe that now. I said it because I want you to stop thinking you are responsible.”

  “But—”

  “Shh. No more of this talk tonight.” She curled down to kiss him, then brushed her fingertips over his cheek before rubbing her hand over his shoulder and arm. “Just rest, all right?”

  He didn’t answer but inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. She resumed combing her fingers through his hair with one hand and let the other glide and play across every part of him she could reach in what she hoped was a soothing, light massage. The movie played on, but she didn’t pay it or anything else much attention, too consumed by the man stretched out beside her. His eyes drifted closed as she stroked her hand over him, and she was enchanted by the firm muscle and warmth beneath her palm.

  When his breathing slowed and deepened, she glanced at the clock. It wasn’t quite eight, but she knew he was exhausted and wasn’t surprised he’d dozed off. Gently, she kissed his brow and continued her ministrations, aware that she did so to reassure herself and firm her resolve. She watched him sleep for nearly half an hour as much because he fascinated her as to make sure he was soundly asleep before she carefully slid out from under him. Ducking into his bedroom, she grabbed his pillow and lifted his head onto it. He didn’t stir, so she wrote a quick note that to tell him she had gone to bed downstairs in her room so he wouldn’t worry if he
woke before she returned.

  With one last glance at him over her shoulder as she stepped out of his living room to give her the courage to do what needed to be done, she quietly closed his door behind her and headed out of Mathews Hall toward JDC. Each step closer to Trey’s room brought more and more doubt, but she held on tightly to the words Nick had uttered less than an hour ago—the words she hadn’t been able to reiterate.

  Whatever happens, Beth, I want you to know that I love you.

  That thought carried her all the way into JDC, up the stairs to the second floor, and left into Jordan Hall. Her heart thumped erratically the closer she came to Trey’s door, but she made herself keep going. She could not and would not back down. There was no other choice left to her; Trey had made that painfully clear.

  Part of her prayed he wouldn’t be home, but she chided herself for the cowardly thought. She needed him to be home.

  Her hand trembled when she lifted it to knock on his door, and her heart skittered sickeningly in her chest—not at all like the marvelous way it fluttered around Nick, and she wished she could flee back to his room and wrap his arms around her and never leave their safety. She forced the impulse from her mind and took several deep breaths as the seconds ticked by, each more slowly than the last. She knocked again as irritation warred with relief.

  When the door opened, she jumped back in shock. Trey’s scowl shifted into an amused, lopsided grin as he looked her up and down, and she shivered in disgust.

  “Well, well, well. Look who it is. The little campus—”

  “Why don’t you try something more original than calling me a slut or a whore, Trey? Better yet, don’t bother because it doesn’t matter what you think of me. I know what and who I am, and nothing you can say will change me.”

  Trey’s brows lifted momentarily in surprise, then dipped in another scowl. “What do you want, Beth?”

  “I want you to quit this childish crap you’ve been pulling—leaving notes and handcuffs on our doors, cornering Nick and trying to get him to fight you, calling me a slut. All of that garbage. Stop it.”

  He sneered. “No.”

  “I also want you to rescind your accusation against Nick. We both know it wasn’t assault.”

  “Never.”

  “I was afraid you would say that. Fine. You raped me, Trey, and I haven’t reported it because I just wanted to forget it.”

  “I didn’t rape you.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  “You wanted it.” He took a step toward her, and she backed away. When he tried to grab her hand, she jerked it away and slapped him.

  “Don’t… ever… touch me again.”

  She sidled away until her back was against the wall on the opposite side of the hall from his door, shaking as fear battled anger and memories of his other, far less innocuous touches coursed through her mind. Adrenaline poured through her veins, preparing her for flight if he tried to touch her again, and she rocked forward onto her toes, ready to spring away. In the shadows of her mind, a thought burst forth like a brilliant white light. The contrast of how absolutely she did not trust Trey to how truly she did trust Nick gave her the strength she needed to press on.

  “You did rape me, whether you understand that in your conceited, narcissistic brain or not, and if you don’t leave us both the hell alone, I will go to the police and report it like I should have right away.”

  Trey laughed. “Yeah, right. You’ve got nothing, babe. No proof because I didn’t rape you.”

  “Actually, I do. Nick had the forethought to take me to the hospital for a rape exam that night, so there’s plenty of evidence on file just waiting for me to do something with it. Will I need to?”

  “All that’s going to prove is that Darryl was right that you like it rough.”

  “Darryl is liar.”

  “Spoken like a true slut who can’t admit what she is. Come on, Beth, liking sex is nothing to be ashamed of if you’d just be honest about it.”

  “Spoken like a true rapist,” Beth retorted. Shock splashed across Trey’s face, and she smirked. “Do you want your name to be smeared all over town, to be called a rapist? Because that’s what you are, and I will make sure everyone knows it.”

  “It wasn’t rape,” he said, sounding much less sure of himself.

  Hope pulsed through her. “Will you leave us alone?”

  “No. Why should I? He broke my goddamned nose.”

  “Actually, I did that.” Beth straightened and pushed off the wall. She had attempted and failed to convince him, so there was only one more thing to say. “So be it. See you in court.”

  She strode down the hall with her back straight and proud, wishing he would call after her because he’d changed his mind but knowing that he wouldn’t. Adrenaline throbbed through her all the way back to Mathews Hall and downstairs to her dorm room. She managed to change into her pajamas before it ebbed, then collapsed onto her bed and sobbed. The certainty that she would now have to report the rape terrified her, but she had been able to confront Trey and articulate clearly and rationally what she needed to.

  She wiped beneath her eyes and forced her breathing into a calmer rhythm. She had planned to sleep in her own room tonight, but she didn’t trust Trey not to retaliate, and if he did, she didn’t want to be here alone, and after the incident at the Lakeview Lodge, she didn’t want Nick to be alone, either.

  He was still exactly how she’d left him, so she balled up her note and tossed it in the trashcan, then gently roused him with a kiss and told him to go change into his pajamas.

  “I didn’t think you were staying with me tonight,” he mumbled.

  “I changed my mind.”

  Tomorrow, she thought when they were snuggled together in his bed and he was asleep again. Tomorrow I tell my family what really happened, and tomorrow, I report the rape.

  Fifteen

  Beth lay awake most of the night while Nick slept beside her, spending much of her time watching him and analyzing the serenity that came with finally doing something to put an end to their torment. She might have failed to convince Trey to leave them alone, but confronting him—once she had settled completely down—felt good, like she had regained a little more control… or a lot more. That didn’t mean she wasn’t still nervous about talking to her family or the police, but she knew now that she could do it.

  When Nick’s alarm went off at six-thirty, she was already wide awake. Nick reached across her to turn it off, then flopped on his back with his hands covering his face. She rolled over to him, rested her hand on his chest and kissed his neck. He turned his head toward her, and the hopelessness in his eyes told her clearly that sleep had done nothing to ease the memory of last night.

  “I’d say good morning, but it’s obviously not a good one,” she murmured. “And here I was, hoping that waking up beside me might make it better.”

  He offered her a smile, but it barely reached his eyes. “It does.”

  “Liar.”

  “I’m not lying. I miss you when you’re not with me,” he replied. “It’s just…. I feel like everything is falling apart, and even though I know I’ll still have the ranch and my life will go on, this part of my life is over, and the only thing I’ll have to show for it is a police record that I don’t deserve.”

  The bitterness that edged into his voice made her wince, so she draped herself over him, folded her hands on his chest, and rested her chin on them to force herself to meet his gaze and stare at the reason why she needed to hold on to the glimmer of courage she’d found last night. “It’s not over yet.”

  “After last night, there’s no way I won’t be convicted.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  He turned his head away, and she took him by the chin to make him look at her.

  “Don’t you dare give up, Nick. There’s no guarantee yet you’ll be convicted, so I want you to keep acting like you won’t be.”

  He opened his mouth to object, and she pressed her fingers to his l
ips to silence him.

  “Here’s what’s going to happen today. I’m going to hop in the shower, head to my classes, meet with Dr. Keller about my independent study, and talk to Hal and tell him exactly what happened last night before Trey has a chance to make any more false accusations against you. Then I’m going to go home to Northstar… by myself because you’re going to stay here until you’ve finished your assignments, turned them in, and picked up next week’s work. And before you ask, I’ll tell you why.”

  She paused, daring him to object again, but he waited for her to continue, watching her expectantly.

  “You’re going to do it because, even if you are convicted, you’ll be able to look back on this nightmare and know that, even though you weren’t allowed to finish school, you never gave up.” She stretched up to kiss his lips. “You wouldn’t let me give up when I really wanted to, so I’m not going to let you give up now. I owe you that much, at the very least.”

  “You don’t owe me anything.”

  “Fine. Then, it’s my duty to you as your best friend and now your girlfriend.”

  At last, she got a genuine smile out of him as he hugged her.

  “Yes, ma’am,” was all he said.

  “Good. Now, get your lazy butt out of bed and get to work.”

  Beth showered and dressed in his bathroom, and by the time she was finished, he’d ensconced himself at his desk. She kissed him goodbye and headed out the door. She didn’t turn toward her classes, however, and instead made a beeline for Dean Harris’s office. Surprisingly, he had already heard about last night’s incident… but not from Trey.

  “The manager of the Lakeview Lodge called me last night and left a message to complain about Trey’s behavior,” Rob informed her. “Said it was very clearly Trey who started the fight. I just came into the office, so I haven’t had a chance yet to call her back. Does Hal know yet?”

  “Nick called him last night.”

  “Good.”

  “You haven’t heard from Trey?”