First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  “No. Which surprises me.”

  “Huh. Well, if there’s nothing else I can do here… I need to get home and have a talk with my folks.”

  “Don’t you have classes today?”

  “Yes, but there’s something I need to do that’s a lot more important in the long run.”

  As she walked out to her car, she pondered her next step. She still had no idea how she was going to explain everything to her parents, grandparents, and brother, but she decided it wouldn’t be wise to report the rape first and then tell them; she didn’t want to chance them hearing the story from anyone but her. Besides, she didn’t want to walk into the police station alone. She dearly wanted Nick with her, but she couldn’t ask him because she’d already brought too much on him by not doing this sooner and because she didn’t know if she could stand up to him if he tried to talk her out of it again.

  By the time she parked in front of the main ranch house, where she knew her mother would be helping her grandmother can fruits and vegetables from the garden, she had decided to take the most direct approach and just tell it all as quickly as she could.

  Just get it out, she reminded herself as she walked in through the main front door of the massive house. Across the expansive great room, Livia and Natalie Carlyle glanced over the island that separated the kitchen from the living area to see who had arrived. Surprise claimed both their expressions.

  “What are you doing home so early, honey?” her mother asked.

  “I need to talk to you and dad. About Trey.”

  Frowning, her mother quickly washed her hands and dried them on the hand towel she’d tossed over her shoulder and joined Beth in the living room. Concern shadowed her honey-brown eyes, and a lump lodged itself in Beth’s throat.

  “What’s going on with Trey? What is he doing now?”

  “It’s not about what he’s doing now…. It’s about what he did the night we broke up.” Beth took a deep breath to slow her racing pulse and wondered if she should wait until her father was here to hear it. He was usually the more levelheaded of her parents, but she didn’t know if that would hold long enough for her to finish her story.

  He solved the dilemma for her when he strolled through the door with her grandfather right behind him.

  “Beth, honey, what are you doing home so early?” her father asked.

  “Just sit down, Dad, Grandpa,” she replied tiredly. “And please, all of you try to let me finish the whole thing before you fly off the handle, okay? Otherwise I might not be able to get it all out.”

  “You’re scaring us, Beth,” her grandmother said, joining them on the large, L-shaped couch.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to. You remember Labor Day weekend? When I tried to tell you why Trey and I broke up?”

  “Sure, honey,” Natalie said. “You said Darryl told Trey a bunch of lies and that you and he broke up over them. And he and Nick got into a fight, Nick dislocated his shoulder….”

  “That’s not….” She swallowed again, shaking her head. “That’s not exactly what happened. Nick dislocated his shoulder breaking down my dorm room door….”

  “Why on earth would he do that?” her grandfather asked.

  Deep breath. You can do this. Just say it. “He did it because he heard me screaming… because Trey was raping me.”

  For a moment, deep silence filled her grandparents’ house as her words sank in. Then, pandemonium. She sat calmly, listening silently as they swore, called Trey every foul name they could think of including a few she’d never heard her usually quiet-mannered mother utter, and bombarded her with questions until, after nearly fifteen minutes, they realized she hadn’t said another word.

  “Why didn’t you tell us, honey?” her mother asked tearfully.

  Natalie scooted closer and opened her arms to hug her, but Beth shook her head. She couldn’t give in to the weakness for even a moment or she’d never be able to finish.

  “I couldn’t,” she replied. “I tried… but I wasn’t ready. If you are ready to listen, I’ll tell you now.”

  Understanding that this was the first test of whether or not she could talk about the rape in detail, she revealed everything, beginning with how Nick had paid for dinner because Trey had forgotten to bring enough money. She told them how Trey had first been playful, what Darryl had told him, even that he’d used his belt to bind her hands. She didn’t leave even the most painful detail out and was nauseated by the memory. When she got to the part where Nick had burst through the door, she felt a wave of relief nearly as powerful as the one that had poured through her that night. The rest was easier to tell.

  “And then, when Trey realized you weren’t going to report the rape, he decided to accuse Nick of assault,” her father remarked. “I’m going to kill him. I’m going to drive to Devyn right now, hunt that cowardly little bastard down, and put a bullet between his goddamned eyes.”

  Her grandfather echoed those sentiments, and Natalie bawled. Livia, as usual, tried to maintain the peace, but she was just as angry as the rest of them. Beth glanced from one beloved face to the next and realized she couldn’t ask any of them to accompany her to the police station. For her, the rape had happened weeks ago, and she’d had time to come to terms with it and to do a good deal of healing, but to them, it was fresh and new and brutally painful. Not one of them would be able to stand with her and give her the support she needed, so with a calmness that shocked her, she rose quietly and strode to the door.

  “Where are you going, Beth?” her grandmother asked.

  “To report the rape. I would have done it before I came home, but… I had to tell my family first. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

  “Can’t it wait until Monday?”

  “No. I’ve waited too long already, Grandma. I can’t let Nick do this by himself anymore.”

  She left before any of them could offer to come with her. Briefly, she toyed with the idea of driving straight to the police station but dismissed it immediately. The mere thought of doing it alone made her heart jump erratically in panic. She knew who she could ask to go with her, someone she knew to be as rational and unnervingly coolheaded as Nick used to be and someone she knew wouldn’t ask too many questions or try to smother her with sympathy or pity.

  When she arrived back at campus, she headed directly to her floor, to the room just below and across from Nick’s, and knocked.

  June opened the door and smiled in greeting.

  “You don’t have class for a while, right?”

  “No. Why?”

  “I have a huge favor to ask of you.”

  “Sure. Anything.”

  “I need you to come with me to the police station.”

  “Yeah. No problem. Can you give me a few minutes to finish what I’m working on?”

  “Of course.” Beth glanced at her watch and realized she’d somehow timed her return perfectly. She would have just been finishing her meeting with Dr. Keller, so Nick wouldn’t think it odd if she popped up to his room to say hi. “I need to go check on Nick and make sure he’s still working on his assignments, anyhow. See you in a few. Thanks, June.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  His door was open, like it often was, and she found him still working diligently on his homework.

  “How much do you have left?” she asked.

  “Probably an hour or so.” He leaned back in his chair and knitted his hands behind his head to stretch for a moment.

  “Good. That should give us plenty of time to do something together this afternoon. Maybe take another ride… and I think your mom said something when I talked to her the other day about inviting me for dinner tonight.”

  “She did. So it’s a date.”

  With her hands braced on the back of his chair, she leaned around him and kissed his cheek. She studied him for a moment, noted that there was still resignation in his eyes, but she took it as a good sign that he was still working… even if it was only to appease her.

  “I’ll se
e you at home in a couple hours,” she said.

  After she left his room, she wondered what he would think when he found out what she’d been up to this morning and afternoon. Would he be angry with her for deceiving him or relieved that the charges against him would be dropped? Both? Guilt gripped her with icy fingers, but her deception was necessary, and she knew Nick well enough to know that he’d get over it in time.

  June was waiting outside her room when Beth reached their hall. “Ready?” she asked.

  Beth nodded. “As I’ll ever be.”

  They took separate vehicles because Beth figured she’d want to get out of Devyn as quickly as she could when this was over. She parked beside June in the small lot around the side of the courthouse where the police station was located and climbed out of her car. Hesitating to gather her courage again, she glanced at June, who nodded and gave her a hug, and was suddenly very glad she’d asked the younger woman to come with her.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you have a very soothing presence, June?” she inquired as they walked inside.

  “I’ve heard it a time or two,” June replied.

  The woman at the front desk smiled warmly. “How can I help you today?”

  This is it. No going back. Beth didn’t give herself time to reconsider and said quickly, “I need to report a rape.”

  June said nothing, and Beth glanced at her, expecting to see shock or pity, but June wasn’t surprised by her admission, and in her eyes, Beth saw exactly what she needed—pride. With a surge of confidence, she turned back to the dispatcher and began the process of filing the report. Each detail she revealed and each piece of paperwork she filled out chipped away at her fear, uncovering the strength Nick so adamantly believed she possessed.

  By the time she was finished, she knew she would be okay. The rape had changed her, but she had survived it and would come out stronger with a far greater understanding of what she wanted from life and a deeper appreciation for the things—and the people—she already had.

  Now it’s your turn to play defense, Trey, she thought as she followed June out into the brilliant autumn sunshine.

  Nick trotted down the stairs and out the door of the sciences building with next week’s assignments clutched in his hand after turning in his last paper. He was relieved to have finished everything even though he still thought it was a waste of time. Regardless, it was a gorgeous fall day, and with the promise of spending the afternoon and evening with Beth in Northstar away from all of this, he promised himself he would enjoy it.

  “Nick!” someone called. “Hold up a minute!”

  He stopped and turned toward JDC to see Dean Harris and Hal jogging toward him. Dread gathered in the pit of stomach as he waited for them.

  “I’m glad to see you’re still getting your work done,” Rob remarked a little out of breath when he and Hal reached him. “Beth came to talk to me this morning about last night, so don’t worry. I’m not here to tell you that you’re expelled.”

  “That’s good news, but there’s still the possibility—the probability—that I will be.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that, but I’ll let Hal tell you why.”

  “Your trial has been postponed,” Hal said, beaming. “Indefinitely.”

  “What? Why?”

  “New evidence has been brought to the county attorney’s attention that will prove the so-called assault was self-defense.”

  His dread exploded, and for a frightening moment, he thought he was going to collapse to the concrete sidewalk. There was only one thing that could prove self-defense with little enough doubt to make the county attorney postpone his trial. Beth had reported the rape. He hunched over, sick, and trembled as a million thoughts of what would happen raced through his mind. When he paused long enough to wonder how she was doing, he bolted upright.

  “I have to go,” he said and took off at a dead run toward his room.

  “Nick!” Hal called.

  He ignored his lawyer, dropped his assignments off in his room, locked the door behind him, and raced out to his truck. A myriad of questions plagued him while he drove, and he barely kept to the speed limit. What was she thinking? What would Trey do now in retaliation? Would reporting the rape really get Nick off the hook or would it only postpone it and provide more time and opportunities for even worse? By the time he skidded to a stop in front of Matt and Natalie Carlyle’s silver and red house, he’d worked himself into a frenzy. First and foremost, he had to see Beth to assure himself she was okay. He could deal with the rest later.

  He rang the doorbell and knocked at least three times. No one was home.

  He tried Old Matt and Livia’s house as well, but again, his knocks received no answer. Where was everyone? Standing on the porch of the main ranch house, he squinted around him, searching the sprawling acres for any sign of life. Finally, he spotted the old brown Chevy that belonged to one of the Northstar Valley ranch hands, Austin McGuire, at the far side of the Carlyles’ upper pasture. The truck’s owner, Nick discovered as he drove closer on the faint trail, was fixing a fence. He had his young son Shane with him, and the boy bounded out the cab of his father’s truck and waved exuberantly when he spotted Nick.

  “Afternoon, Nick!” Austin called.

  “Hi, Austin. Shane, what are you doing out of school?”

  “I have a cold,” the seven-year-old said with a sniffle.

  “Hey, where is everyone?”

  “Down at your folks’ place,” Austin replied.

  “What are they doing down there this time of day? It’s not even three o’clock yet.”

  “Don’t know. But when Old Matt told me they were heading down, he seemed pretty upset about something.”

  I imagine he was, Nick thought. “Did he say what?”

  Austin shook his head. “No.”

  “Mrs. Carlyle was crying when they left, though,” Shane remarked. “And Mr. Carlyle looked mad as hell.”

  “Shane! You don’t use that kind of language!” Austin barked.

  “Sorry, Dad.”

  He must be talking about Natalie and Matt, Nick decided. No one, not even kids Shane’s age, called Livia “Mrs. Carlyle” or Old Matt “Mr. Carlyle.”

  “Thanks, Austin,” Nick said. “Shane, you get to feeling better soon, all right?”

  “I will.”

  Nick drove down to his parents’ house, wondering what chaos would greet him when he walked through the door. Undoubtedly, if Beth’s parents had been upset when Shane saw them, she had told them about the rape. What would they think of his role in it? Would they be glad he’d acted or would they believe he hadn’t done enough? Had Beth given them all the details of Trey’s harassment, or left it as they’d decided with just the bare minimum? He parked his truck beside his father’s and sat for a moment, steeling himself against every scenario he could imagine.

  When he stepped into the kitchen, his efforts immediately became a waste of time. His mother, who’d been leaning against the counter talking with Livia and Natalie, threw her arms around him and held him close.

  “I’m so sorry, Nick. Please forgive me for ever doubting you,” she murmured. “I should have trusted that you knew what you were doing and that it was the right thing to do.”

  “There’s nothing to forgive, Mom.”

  Livia and Natalie followed suit, hugging him and thanking him for coming to Beth’s rescue and for supporting her. Annoyance flickered at the edges of his mind, eroding his patience, and their gratitude was a bit overwhelming and suffocating.

  “Where’s Beth?” he asked at last.

  “I believe she headed outside to visit Remington,” Tracie replied.

  Nick excused himself as politely as he could manage and strode through the house to the back door, ignoring the pleas from his father, Matt, and Old Matt to join them in the living room. Once he was back outside, he broke into a jog, vaguely aware that he was being followed. He didn’t look back to see by whom.

  Beth was, as his mother
had said, perched on the top rail of the jackleg fence surrounding Remington’s pasture. The stallion stood beside her with his nose resting against her leg while she absently stroked his cheek. The sight of them was so beautiful and poignant that Nick slowed to a walk to give himself more time to take it in and appreciate it. For a horse who didn’t like anyone, Remington certainly loved Beth, and the faint smile on her face made Nick believe the feeling was mutual.

  Sensing she was no longer alone with the horse, she turned her gaze to Nick, and her smile widened for a moment before guilt shadowed her face. As if he could hear her thoughts, he knew that she regretted deceiving him by not telling him her plan to report the rape.

  “Why did you do it, Beth?” he asked.

  “I had no choice. Trey won’t stop, and I couldn’t let you take the punishment for him anymore.”

  “He’ll just be a hundred times worse now.”

  “Maybe in the short term, but he’ll be arrested… and he and his parents can say anything they want about me, but the rape kit will prove he raped me.”

  “Jesus, Beth…. You didn’t have to do that.”

  “Yes, I did. You wanted me to report it, didn’t you, at first?”

  “Yes, but because you wanted to for you. Not for me. I wanted it to give you some control back.”

  “And it has. It’s given me a lot back. Don’t you see, Nick? Reporting it for you is the same thing as reporting it for me because it gave me the courage to do it. And to face Trey.”

  His heart dropped. “You what?”

  “Last night, while you were asleep on the couch, I went to his room to see if I could get him to take back the accusation and leave us alone. He won’t, just like I knew he wouldn’t, but I had to try to make sure I couldn’t avoid taking the rape public.”

  “Ah, Beth,” Nick whispered. “You shouldn’t have gone alone. What if he’d—”

  “I had to. I had to know I could do it. Besides, you already had enough on your mind, and I didn’t think you’d let me do it.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “That you couldn’t rely on me to support your decision.”