Miles From Home

by Ava Bell

  I step back and take a deep breath, while trying to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.

  “I’m sorry, Maggie. I’m sorry about how I treated you yesterday. I should have never made you go.” I reach for her hand and she takes another step back.

  “I think you made it loud and clear how you felt,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “I didn’t mean it, Maggie. I was in shock. Stop and think, how would you feel if you found out you had a daughter you didn’t know you had?” I keep my hand held out towards her, hoping she will take it. Instead, Maggie turns and walks through the kitchen and out the back door, but I follow. I watch as she walks out to a small dock and looks out towards the lake and I stand just short of where she is, hesitant to move any closer.

  When I see her tense up as I walk closer, my heart hurts. “Maggie, tell me why . . . why didn’t you contact me? I would have never let you go through all this alone. I would have been there for you!”

  She whips around and the hurt in her eyes are like daggers through my heart.

  “I TRIED FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS TO FIND YOU, SAM! I CALLED EVERY DAMN BAR IN THE CHICAGO AREA. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING SAM AUSTINS THERE ARE IN THIS WORLD? A LOT AND I CALLED EVERY ONE OF THEM IN CHICAGO.” Maggie sobs as she drops to her knees, so I kneel down and put my arms around her. I can feel her body shake as I hold her.

  “Oh, my God! Maggie, you never found the letter I put in your bag?”

  Maggie slowly looks up. “What letter? I never found a letter, Sam. Where did you put it?”

  “I put it in the front zipper pocket, since I didn’t want you to find it until I was in Chicago.”

  The guilt I feel is just too much. I should have made sure she knew about the letter and I hold her until she can cry no more.

  I stand at the front door with my hand on the knob, but I can’t make myself turn it and walk out.

  “I can’t leave without seeing her,” I say, softly. “I won’t walk out on her.” I turn to see Maggie standing with her hand over her mouth. I see the fear in her eyes as I stand and wait for her to answer.

  “No! I’m not ready, she’s not ready.” She backs away from me.

  “I’m supposed to leave for Chicago Monday evening, and I won’t leave Georgia without seeing her. You can’t do this to me.”

  We stand and stare at each other, waiting to see which one of us will give up, but I hold my ground. I’m not leaving. My heart races with each step I take up towards Ellie’s room. We stop in front of Ellie’s bedroom door and Maggie turns to me and puts her finger to her lips.

  “Shhh, I don’t want to wake her up. You can see her and that’s it.”

  A soft glow emits from Ellie’s bedroom as Maggie opens the door. I step in and my heart crashes when I see soft curls peeking out from underneath her blanket. I sit in the small chair next to her bed and quietly watch while she sleeps. She’s absolutely beautiful, so perfect, I can’t take my eyes off of her. When I look back at Maggie and she has tears streaming down her cheeks. I no longer have the strength to hold back the tears as I cradle my face in my hands.

  I finally force myself to stand and follow Maggie back downstairs. Before I walk out I turn to Maggie. “I’ll will be back, so I’ll let you decide when a good time would be.”

  “Tomorrow, my aunt will be at church from nine until one, so you can come then,” she says, as we walk outside and towards the taxi. I turn to Maggie and pull her to me.

  “I don’t know what to say, Maggie. I’ve missed three years of my daughter’s life. I’m not sure how I feel about that.” I lean down, kiss her on the cheek, and climb into the backseat of the taxi.

  I see Aunt Virginia’s light on in her bedroom as I make my way upstairs, so I quietly knock. “Come in, sweetie,” she says, as I walk in. “Can we talk?” She pats the empty side of her bed.

  “What have I done, Aunt Virginia?” I say, as I lie next to her.

  She lays her book on the bedside table and removes her reading glasses. She then wraps her arms tightly around me.

  “Stop it, Maggie. It’s going to be okay. There’s a reason Sam is back in your life. Just let the pieces fall into place.”

  “I’m worried about Ellie. How will she take this?” I say, sitting up. “Just tell me she’s going to be okay.” I search her eyes for reassurance.

  “I can’t tell how Ellie will react, but I do know she has a mother and now a father who only want what’s best for her. I don’t think Sam would have showed up here if his intentions weren’t good.” I nod, agreeing with her.

  “I just want to protect her. She’s all that matters.”

  “Maggie, she needs a father just as much as a mother. Now stop overthinking it.”

  “Okay, thanks for making me feel better. Goodnight.” I kiss her cheek and head to my room.

  As I stand in my closet undressing I look up and see my pink bag. My heart pounds as I reach up and take it off the shelf. My hand shakes as I grasp the zipper and slide it open and I take a deep breath as I reach in. I immediately feel the smoothness of the paper and I pull it out. On the front of the envelope it says: Hermann Hill Vineyard and Inn.

  I sit on my bed and unfold the letter:

  Maggie, you are one amazing woman. I feel lucky to have spent one of the most unforgettable weekends with you. Saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, because I’m not sure if we will ever say hello again. You have a dream to follow and I hope it’s all you ever dreamed it would be. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart. All my contact information is here. If you feel that it’s possible to continue with what we have, then I’m giving you the opportunity to contact me. It’s up to you now.

  Ryan’s cell phone number: 773–427–0209

  Bar phone number: 773–689–4248

  Wiping the tears from my eyes, I fold the letter up and place it under my pillow, and as I drift off to sleep, I wonder how different things would have turned out had I found his letter three years earlier.

  When I open my eyes the next morning, I feel a soft warm body lying next to me. I turn and I hear her giggle. “What are you doing in here, pumpkin?”

  She wraps her arms around my neck and whispers in my ear, “I woke up and missed you, Mommy.”

  I smile and nuzzle my face in her hair as we snuggle. “Ellie, we have to get up. We are going to have company later.”

  She sits up and claps her hands together. “Who, Mommy?” I stop and think about what I should say. I’m not sure if she would even understand at this age. “Just a friend. I think you will like him. His name is Sam.”

  We both climb out of bed and race to the stairs. I lean down and pick her up to carry her into the kitchen.

  “Good morning, we smell yummy pancakes,” I say, kissing my aunt on the cheek. She gives me a wink.

  “I’ve already eaten, so you two sit down and I’ll fix your plate,” she says, flipping the pancakes onto the plate.

  “Thank you, Aunt Virginia.”

  After I finish cleaning up the kitchen, Ellie and I go upstairs to get ready. I hear my aunt yell “goodbye” from downstairs as she leaves for church. I try not to overthink this visit, because I know Sam will respect my wishes not to tell Ellie just yet.

  Exactly at nine sharp, I hear a small knock at the door and my heart jumps. I take a deep breath and open it. Standing at the door is Sam, holding a bouquet of daisies and a pink stuffed rabbit.

  I smile and open the door, stepping aside. “Hi, Sam. Come in.”

  He looks nervous as he steps inside. “These are for you,” he says, handing me the bouquet of daisies.

  I take them and close the door. “Thank you, they’re beautiful.” I walk towards the kitchen to put them in some water, but stop and watch Sam, whose eyes are fixed on Ellie as she sits in front of the TV, watching cartoons. My heart jumps when I notice the smile that’s on his face.

  “Ellie, can you come say hello to Sam?” I say, trying to get her atte
ntion.

  I watch Sam’s face as he kneels down to hand her the pink rabbit. “This is for you, Ellie.”

  She grabs the rabbit and holds it to her chest. “Mommy, look, he’s so soft. I think I love him.”

  “What’s his name?” Sam asks her, watching her every move.

  “I don’t know, but I think it’s a bunny,” she softly whispers. “This is the friend I told you about, Ellie. Come sit here by us.” She quickly climbs in my lap.

  While Sam and I sit on the sofa, Ellie climbs in between the two of us and I look over to give him a reassuring smile, but I can tell he’s still nervous.

  After an hour of Ellie climbing on the two of us, I decide that we should go out by the lake and let her burn off some energy before her nap. While Ellie is playing with her toys, Sam and I sit on the bench so we can keep an eye on her. I can feel Sam looking at me but I keep my eyes on Ellie.

  “She needs to know I’m her father, Maggie. I want her to know,” he says, quietly. I swallow hard. I know he’s right even though it scares me.

  “I know you’re right, Sam. I’m just not ready yet,” I say. “Please, I just want her to get to know you first.”

  Sam is quiet. He’s not happy about waiting. I can see it on his face. “Maggie, you know I’m leaving tomorrow evening. How do you expect me to get on a plane without her knowing?” He runs his hands through his hair and leans over to rest his elbows on his knees.

  “Sam, please understand, she’s only three. I’m not sure she would understand all of this,” I say, standing.

  “Ellie, come on, pumpkin. Nap time.” I lean down and pick her up. Ellie wraps her arms around my neck and starts to whine.

  “No, Mommy! No nap today,” she says, as we walk upstairs. Sam follows behind, holding the pink bunny.

  He hands it to her and kisses her on the forehead and says, “Here’s bunny, he needs a nap too.” She hugs it close to her as I lay her down, She closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep.

  Sam and I quietly go downstairs, but there’s tension between us. I can feel it. “Do you want something to drink?” I ask, walking to the kitchen.

  “No, I don’t want anything.” His reply is short. “I think we need to discuss this, Maggie.” I cringe at the anger in his voice.

  I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, so I grab the photo album and baby book that are sitting on a bookshelf and hand them to Sam, hoping this will help him understand why I’m so hesitant to tell her so quick. “Here are all Ellie’s photos and baby book.” Sam slowly opens her baby book first and begins going through it page by page, asking me questions about her various milestones. I tell him stories about the first time she crawled, about her first tooth, and her first steps.

  “I know this is painful for you, Sam. I wish things could have been different.”

  Sam slowly looks up. “You have no idea how this feels, Maggie. You’ve watched her grow up for the last three years. It’s really hard not to feel a little hurt about this.”

  Sam’s anger slowly drifts away as he continues to look through the pictures in the album, and I sense there’s more he wants to ask, but when Aunt Virginia walks in I can tell he’s uncomfortable. Sam stands and says hello, walking towards the door.

  “I think I need to get going. I have some thinking to do.” We both walk outside and stand on the porch in awkward silence, so I motion for him to sit next to me on the step. Sam slowly takes my hand in his.

  “I think I need to stay here in Savannah. I don’t have to be back on the road for a couple of months. I want to get to know my daughter,” he says, staring straight ahead. “Okay, if that’s what you feel you need to do. We can work something out around my work schedule so that you can see her as often as you like.” I walk Sam to his rental car and he hugs me tightly. “Thank you, Maggie. I’ll call you tonight and we can talk about my next visit.” I watch him as he gets into the car.

  While I stand and watch Sam drive away, I feel a familiar tug at my heart. Even though it’s been more than three years since I’ve felt his touch, those tingles are still there. I can’t lie to myself when my heart knows the truth.

  Later that evening, after dinner, Aunt Virginia told me what she thought about when I should tell Ellie and I told her I would think hard about her advice. I’ve always looked to her for reassurance when I was doubting myself, but I feel so strongly about this that I’m not sure I’m willing to compromise.

  “Maggie, quit being stubborn. Ellie isn’t going to fall apart if you tell her now, but that’s just my opinion. It’s ultimately your decision.” She turns around and walks upstairs for bed.

  I slowly make my way downstairs the next morning. Sam and I had a lengthy phone conversation last night and I’ve come to the conclusion that over the next two months, while he’s here in Savannah, he can visit Ellie as much as he wants to. And during that time, at some point, we will tell her.

  OVER THE NEXT few days Sam spends every day with Ellie. Most of their time is spent by the lake and taking walks. I was conflicted to let Sam have daily visits, but I relented. And even though I’ve been so overprotective of Ellie, I also know it’s not fair to keep her from Sam.

  As I’m clocking out one morning after my shift, Josh grabs me from behind and kisses me tenderly on the neck.

  “Come home with me, Maggie,” he whispers in my ear.

  I close my eyes and lean back, completely lost in his touch and I feel a twinge of guilt as I say, “Yes.” I follow him out. As I’m driving towards Josh’s house the conflict I feel in my heart is too much to take. I ask myself if it’s possible to be in love with Sam and Josh at the same time, but I push those thoughts from my head as I walk with Josh through his front door and straight to his bed.

  While Josh slowly undresses me and lays me back on the bed, I close my eyes as he lightly kisses me from my neck down to my navel. I concentrate on what Josh is doing and how wonderful he makes me feel. I grip the sheets when he pushes my legs open and slowly licks my most sensitive spot. My moans are his reassurance that my release is close and as Josh hovers over me, he smiles. “I love you, Maggie,” he says, as he enters me. I smile and pull him further inside as our kiss grows more and more passionate. I wrap my legs around Josh’s hips, meeting each of his thrust, with mine, and as the intensity builds, my emotions take over. Josh looks down at me as the tears slowly slide down my face. He stops and I open my eyes.

  “Maggie, why are you crying?” he asks, lying down next to me. I turn to face him and push my face into his chest as he strokes my back to calm my tears.

  “I’m just tired, that’s all.” I sit up and throw my shirt on. Josh grabs my arm and pulls me to him and I lay my head on his chest.

  “There’s something more than that. I know things between us have been a little strained due to our schedules, but you’ve been distant these past few weeks. Talk to me, Maggie,” he says, quietly.

  I shake my head slowly. “No, not right now. I just need some time, okay?” I try to reassure him that things between us are okay, but I’m not sure he believes me and I’m not so sure I believe it either.

  As the weeks pass Sam continues to pressure me about telling Ellie since he will be leaving for Chicago in a couple of weeks. He has made it very clear to me that he plans on keeping the lease on the condo here in Savannah so he will have a place to stay when he flies in for visits. I can’t deny the fact that I look forward to seeing Sam when he visits Ellie and in my heart I know I will miss him when he has to go back out on the road. The more I push those feelings away, the more intense they become. I’m still in love with Sam. There’s no doubt about it.

  One evening while Aunt Virginia was out with her book club girls, Ellie and I were home alone. I don’t know what came over me in that moment, but it just felt right. I sat her down and tried to explain the best I could that Sam is her father. I’m not sure how much she understood, and yes, I felt a little guilty for telling her before talking to Sam about it, but it felt right so I did it. After putting
Ellie to bed, I called Sam and asked him to come over. I told him there were things we needed to talk about, and he agreed to come. I needed to get this all out before he left for Chicago in two days and for the past two months we had been avoiding any topics that concerned the two of us.

  As soon as I see the headlights of Sam’s car my heart rate picks up and my stomach does flips. I open the door and invite him in, but he has a confused look on his face when he looks around, realizing that it’s just the two of us, alone. “Where’s Ellie?” he asks, as we sit on the sofa.

  I turn towards him as I fidget with my hands. “Sam, please don’t be mad at me.” I look down, afraid of the hurt I will see in his eyes. “I told Ellie tonight. I told her the truth, but I’m not sure she fully understood.”

  “What do you mean you’ve told her?” he asks.

  “Sam, it just seemed like the perfect time.” He stands and paces around the living room. “I can’t believe you did this. I thought we decided to do it together.” he says, sharply.

  “There are other things we need to talk about, Sam.”

  “Okay, I’m not sure what you mean.” He looks at me confused as he sits back down.

  “Sam, I want you to know something. I’ve been seeing someone for the past nine months.” Sam jerks his head up and looks at me.

  “Who are you seeing?” he asks.

  “His name is Josh, and we met at work.”

  “Do you love him?” he asks, looking at me with hurt in his eyes. I turn away. “I don’t know Sam, there’s a lot I’m not sure of lately.” I watch as Sam slowly nods. He takes a deep breath and stands.

  “Okay, well I guess my leaving soon is good timing, huh?” Sam says, staring right through me.

  He clears his throat as he walks towards the door. “I’ll be here tomorrow afternoon as soon as I finish my last day of rehab. I would like some alone time with Ellie. if you don’t mind.”