Miles From Home

by Ava Bell

  I shake my head. “No, I don’t mind.”

  And my heart drops when I hear the door slam. I stand there, not sure if I should run after him or not, and as I run down the front steps and towards the street, I see Sam’s car speed away, making me wonder if I made the right decision.

  On Sam’s last day in town, he and Ellie spend most their time in the backyard, and each time I glance out of the window, I could see the pain of leaving Ellie on his face and it becomes harder for me to look at him. The entire time, he doesn’t speak to me until it’s time for him to go.

  “Here’s a list of numbers where you can reach me if I don’t answer my cell phone, in case there’s an emergency.” He hands me an envelope.

  “There’s also a check in there for Ellie. I know you probably have everything covered, but I’m her dad and I want to support her financially.” I take the envelope and place it on the table.

  “Sam, it doesn’t have to be this way between us. Please don’t be so cold to me.” He shakes his head and walks out the front door and I follow him. He turns to me just before getting in the car.

  “Maggie, I can’t deny you the life you’ve made for Ellie and yourself. But I want to be present in her life. Please, at least give me that.” As I watch him leave, I can’t blame him for feeling so angry and I hate myself for letting him go.

  The night before Ellie’s fourth birthday I get a call from Sam, and he tells me he has rearranged his schedule so that he can be in town for her birthday party. Even though we’ve talked on a regular basis since he left, our conversations are cold and formal. I tell him that Ellie is excited to see him and she loves the pink Jeep he had delivered yesterday, and before I hang up, I feel that dagger twist once more in my heart. The next morning I wake in a panic when I realize that Josh and Sam will meet for the first time. Even though I knew it was going to happen eventually, it’s me I’m worried about. I just hope I can keep it together.

  As Aunt Virginia and I prepare the table for the ballerina cake and drinks, I overhear Ellie talking to her grandpa on the phone. He wishes her a happy birthday and tells her to keep an eye out for a special present that should arrive soon. And as she stands in the kitchen telling me about her phone call, I hear two male voices in the other room. I freeze and squeeze my eyes closed tight. Sam and Josh are here.

  “Hey, Maggie, where are you?” I hear Josh’s voice, and I instantly tense up.

  “I’m in the kitchen,” I say, as every muscle in my body tenses. I smile when Josh comes into the kitchen and right behind him Sam follows. As Josh comes up behind me, he slips his hands around my waist and kisses on my neck as I stare straight ahead . . . into Sam’s eyes.

  The house buzzes with giggles and screams and I catch Sam watching me from time to time. I can’t seem to decipher the looks that he’s been giving me, but I can feel them all the way down to my toes. I continue to avoid him during the party, but it’s impossible.

  As the party ends and each one of Ellie’s friends from preschool and ballet class begin to leave, Aunt Virginia and I busy ourselves with the cleanup. I glance into the other room from time to time, watching Sam, Josh, and Ellie. She is busy going back and forth, showing them the various gifts she received as Sam and Josh sit side by side. Ellie wraps them both around her little finger . . . it’s hard for me not to love them both.

  FOR THE FIRST time I feel like my life has meaning and with Ellie I now know I have a purpose. I want to be the best dad I can be to her, which is why I’ve decided to make Savannah my permanent home. I’ve missed out on the first three-years of her life and I don’t plan on missing any more. I’ve been searching the internet real estate market for houses and I think I’ve found the perfect one.

  As I pull up to the large brick home, I stand back and try to imagine Ellie playing in the front yard. I know it’s a bit larger than I had planned, but I’m tired of the cramped space I’ve been living in for the last month. Condo life is definitely not for me. The fact the house has a pool makes it even better.

  “Hi, you must be Sam Austin,” the realtor says, getting out of her car.

  “Hello Kim. Thank you for meeting me on such short notice. When I saw this house on the internet I didn’t want to wait. I’m hoping to find a house within the next month,” I say. I follow her into the large entryway and note that the house is much larger than I had expected. I follow Kim from room to room while she points out all the nice features.

  “As you can see, Mr. Austin, there are hardwood floors throughout, with an open concept.” I follow her upstairs to check out the four bedrooms.

  The house is move-in ready which means all I will have to do is buy furniture and everyday necessities, which is also a plus. After my tour of the house, Kim gives me all the purchase price information and her business card.

  “I really love it, it’s perfect,” I say, as we walk down the steps. “I’ll call you maybe later today or tomorrow to let you know whether I want to go forward with it or not.” Kim smiles and tells me she will write up an offer just as soon as I decide.

  On my drive over to see Ellie the next day, I struggle with the idea of whether I should tell Maggie about the house. I want her to know that even though I will be traveling most of the time, I plan on spending as much time with Ellie as I can, even if it’s for a day or two. My real dream would include Maggie as well, but I know that will never happen. Maggie has made it clear to me that she and Josh are a couple and she’s happy with him. But it’s her eyes that tell me a different story. She’s so easy to read when I look into those eyes. Some days I see her watching me and smiling that familiar smile. I know she can feel that my feelings for her are just as strong as they were that day we said goodbye, so I’ll be patient and maybe one day it will happen.

  When I walk up to the house I can hear Ellie and Maggie laughing, so I stand at the door, lingering a little longer and listening before I go in.

  “Hi, Sam!” Ellie screeches when she sees me as I sneak up behind her. Ellie still calls me Sam and I’m okay with it, for now.

  Maggie looks up and smiles. “Hey, Sam, I didn’t hear you come in.” I sit beside her at the kitchen table, and the smell of her perfume stirs old familiar feelings.

  Ellie holds up a paper that has stick figure drawings on them. “Look, Sam, it’s me and Mommy.” I gaze at the picture when she hands it to me, feeling a small sting, wishing it was the three of us in the drawing.

  As I sit next to Maggie, watching Ellie play, I can feel the electricity that flows all around the two of us and it’s hard to keep my eyes off of her. I want to touch her and hold her, but I resist the urge as I turn my attention to Ellie . . . Maggie is the one I desire, but Ellie is my purpose.

  My heart broke the day Maggie told Ellie I was her father. I wanted to be a part of that conversation; we had even talked about it. But the real hurt came when I found out she was seeing someone. At that point I was angrier with myself for not telling her my true feelings for her. And each time I visit Ellie, Maggie is barely visible. It’s hard not to feel the tension between us after the argument we had. I try to keep our conversations as brief as possible and I’m sure she can tell I’m still hurt, and every minute I spend away from Maggie, is sixty seconds my heart longs for her.

  As I spend my last week in Savannah, I shop for furniture and various things for the house. I pick out a white four-poster bedroom set for Ellie as well as a pink and purple bedspread with a ton of pillows to match. The saleslady assured me that Ellie will fall in love with it, and they will have it delivered and set up before I leave town.

  As I board the plane, a sense of dread washes over me. I hate the thought of leaving Savannah, knowing it will be awhile before I see Ellie again. As I get settled in my seat I make several calls before my flight to Chicago leaves. I call my sister Karen to let her know when I’ll be landing and the latest with Ellie. My plan is to take Ellie home to Oklahoma soon to meet her and my dad, when my schedule allows it. My next call is to my manager, Adam. He gives
me the rehearsal schedules and the information on my next show date and I explain to him that I need to clear anything that might interfere with Ellie’s birthday in a few weeks. My last call is to Ryan, who’s been the big brother I never had; he’s always given me good, sound advice anytime I asked for it, and I need it now more than ever. Even though I know he will give me shit for thinking that Maggie and I may someday have a future together, I still value his opinion.

  Over the next few weeks my head is in a fog. I can’t seem to concentrate on my day-to-day tasks without thinking about Ellie and Maggie, even though I talk to them daily. I make my flight arrangements for Ellie’s birthday and I pick out a pink Jeep to be delivered to her house the day before her special day. The days seem to drag as it gets closer and I find myself trying to mentally prepare for when I see Maggie.

  When I pull into Aunt Virginia’s driveway, I notice there are several cars parked along the street with several little girls jumping out and running towards the house. I wasn’t expecting to run into Josh as I climb the front steps. “Hey, Sam. How are you?” he asks, as we both walk into the house. “I’m okay, how are you?” After we exchange pleasantries, I look around for Ellie and when I spot her in the backyard, I walk through the kitchen. Looking up, I suddenly lock eyes with Maggie as Josh hugs her from behind. I try to tear my eyes away but I find it completely impossible.

  Josh and I decide to spend our one-year-of-dating anniversary in Cancun, Mexico. He made all the arrangements while I made sure that Sam was going to be in town for Ellie. It wasn’t easy coordinating our schedules so that Ellie could spend this time with him, but I want to give them every opportunity I can. This will be the first time I’ve spent more than twenty-four hours away from her. I wrote everything down and made him a schedule so he would know when to have her to school and when to pick her up. Aunt Virginia will be here to help out if he needs her.

  As I kiss Ellie goodbye, I turn to Sam. “Please make sure she calls me every night before bed.” I say, buckling her in the booster seat.

  “I’ll make sure. Stop worrying, Maggie.” Sam says, as he winks at me and climbs into his car . . . Yes, that wink caught me off-guard and I’m sure I look like a deer in headlights as I wave goodbye. As our plane taxis down the runway, Josh leans over and whispers in my ear. “Relax, Maggie, she’ll be fine. Sam loves her more than anything and he’ll make sure nothing happens to her.” As I try to relax, he kisses me on the neck.

  The resort Josh booked is amazing. Everything we need is right here and as we sit in our plush lounge chairs sipping tropical drinks, I finally feel a sense of contentment. I’m not sure if it’s the drink or the tropical feel in the air. Our first night, Josh orders dinner through room service and we enjoy it on the huge terrace that faces the beach. As the warm tropical air gently blows around us, Josh stands and takes my hand, leading me to the bedroom. He kisses me while he lowers me onto the bed.

  “I just want to make love to you, Maggie,” he whispers in my ear.

  “That’s exactly what I was hoping you would do,” I say, as he lifts my sundress over my head. My body responds to Josh’s touch, and I moan slowly when he touches all the right spots.

  Josh whispers in my ear, “You feel so good, Maggie. I wanna hear you as you come.” Josh pushes deep inside of me and I arch my back.

  “Oh yes! Josh, harder!” I scream. Just before every sensation I’m feeling crashes together, Josh pushes one last time deep inside of me. He then wraps his arms around my exhausted body as I close my eyes.

  “I love you, Maggie,” he says. “I want to marry you and make you happy.” I close my eyes as guilt washes over me, wishing those words were coming from Sam instead of Josh. I lie awake for most of the night trying to convince myself that Josh is the only one for me, and although I do have deep feelings for him, I’m almost certain my heart belongs to Sam.

  The next four days are filled with lots of sunbathing and tropical drinks, and I try to focus on enjoying my time with Josh.

  On our last day in Cancun, Josh runs down to gets some fresh fruit for our breakfast while I jump in the shower. We’ve planned a day of sightseeing at the Mayan ruins, which I’ve been looking forward to all week. As I raise my right arm to rinse the soap, I feel a lump in my armpit. It’s not a huge lump but it’s not small either. At first I blow it off to be nothing, but as the day passes, I become more aware that it’s there. Being a nurse, I tell myself it’s nothing to be concerned about, so I forget about it and go about our day as planned.

  When Josh and I pull into Aunt Virginia’s driveway, I can’t get the door open fast enough. “Hold on, Maggie, let me at least stop the car,” he says, laughing.

  “Sorry, I’m just so ready to see Ellie.” When Josh turns the ignition off, I jump out and run into the house. “Ellie! Mommy’s home, where are you?” I yell. Following the giggles into the kitchen, I find Sam and Ellie sitting at the table, eating ice cream. I pick her up and whirl her around while she screams with excitement.

  “I missed you, Mommy,” she says, wrapping her arms around my neck and burying her face in my hair. When I open my eyes I see Sam standing in front of me, smiling. We stand frozen, staring into each other’s eyes and without speaking, our eyes speak for us.

  “Hi, Sam” I say, setting Ellie down. “How did everything go? I hope she was well behaved.”

  Sam nods his head. “Of course, she was an angel.” He begins placing the empty ice cream bowls in the sink.

  “Good, I’m glad she wasn’t any trouble,” I say, as Josh comes up behind me and kisses my neck. I feel like Josh is sending a message to Sam with his actions.

  After Josh says his goodbyes, I walk with him to his car. He turns and grabs my face in his hands and kisses me with such passion that it almost knocks me off my feet. Trying to catch my breath, Josh whispers, “I’m not letting you go that easily. I hope you know that,” Then he gets into his car and drives away, leaving me speechless as I try to catch my breath. I slowly turn and walk back to the house. Seeing Sam standing on the front steps, I slowly walk up the stairs. He just watches me, and it’s as though he can see right into my soul, deep inside where all my secrets are kept. He knows. We both know.

  LATER THAT NIGHT after I put Ellie to bed, I stand in front of the bathroom mirror. I lift my right arm and instantly I feel the lump. It’s a little larger than a quarter from what I can tell. I break into a sweat and slowly lower myself to sit on the bathroom floor. All the memories of my mother come rushing into my mind. Deep down inside, something tells me that this is more than just a lump and I slowly fall apart. When I finally pull myself together and crawl into bed, I see my mother when I close my eyes.

  Two days later I walk into the break room before my shift starts, and I find the one person I came looking for. “Hey, Dr. Lewis,” I say, sitting down at the table. “I need you to look at something, if you wouldn’t mind.”

  “Of course, Maggie. What is it?” she asks. I tell her about the lump I found under my right arm.

  After several minutes of her feeling around under my arm, she advises me to see my doctor as soon as I can and when she sees the worry on my face, she gives me some reassuring words.

  “Maggie, don’t get so worked up over this. It could be just harmless fatty tissue or a bacterial infection. Just have it looked at soon,” she says, patting me on the back and walking out. I take a deep breath and promise myself not to think negative thoughts until I know what it is and I continue to keep the lump to myself as I wait for my doctor’s appointment.

  Two weeks after finding the lump, I go in for an MRI. The doctor informs me that the radiologist will read it as soon as the images are sent to him. “It shouldn’t take more than twenty-four hours for the results,” he says, with a reassuring smile, walking me out to the receptionist desk.

  I sit in the clinic parking lot in my car, trying to push any negative thoughts from my mind. I consider telling Josh, but I quickly decide against it, and I know if I tell Aunt Virginia, she will w
orry. That will only make things worse, and I certainly don’t want Ellie to know there’s something wrong. After much thought, I decide to wait until the MRI and blood work comes back. There’s really no reason to overreact until then.

  “Mommy, you’re home!” Ellie screams as I walk through the front door.

  “Yes, pumpkin, I’m home.” She runs towards me, so I pick her up and give her a hug, hanging on just a little longer than usual.

  “How about we get a bowl of ice cream to share and you can tell me about your day at school?”

  Ellie nods and runs to the kitchen. I take a deep breath and put a smile on my face as I see Aunt Virginia peek around the corner. “Aunt Virginia, what smells so good?” I say, taking the ice cream out of the freezer.

  “Homemade chili,” she says, shoving a spoon towards my mouth. “I thought it was a good day for some comfort food.” She waits for me to take a bite.

  “Mmm, that’s really good. A little on the spicy side, but really good.” I say, sitting down next to Ellie with our bowl of ice cream.

  I can’t help but stare at Ellie when she giggles as she feeds me spoonfuls of chocolate ice cream. My life would be so lost without her. How did I get so lucky to have such a beautiful creature in my life? Later that evening, after Ellie is asleep, I stretch out on my bed to do some reading. Just as I’m getting into the story, my cell phone rings. When I see that it’s Sam, my heart skips an extra beat.

  “Hello,” I say, pulling the covers up to my chin.

  “Hi, Maggie. Were you sleeping?”

  I can barely hear him from all the noise. “Sam? I can’t really hear you. Where are you?”

  “Hold on,” he says.

  “Okay, sorry about all the noise; I was on the bus. We are leaving New Orleans in a few minutes and wanted to let you know I’ll be in Savannah on Friday for three days. I would like to see you . . . I want to see Ellie.”