My face flushes an entirely new shade of red when Chelsea nudges me and says, “You and Chase will have to get to work on a cousin after you get married.”
Not only am I thrilled for Mike and Chelsea, but I relax when I see glimpses of the real Chase.
Before drifting off to sleep for the night, Chase asks me again, “Did we get married yet?”
I'm slightly alarmed at his question. Didn't he just ask me that this morning?
“Not yet, Baby. We've only been engaged for ten days. How about May? I've started to plan the wedding already, and we discussed a spring wedding a few times.”
“Oh, yeah. I remember that now,” he relaxes and closes his eyes.
I know that everyone keeps saying that confusion is normal for a coma patient who is just waking up.
Then why am I still so scared?
As always, I've slept right next to Chase. He seems the most serene when I'm next to him. If we leave the room to eat or get a quick shower, he gets agitated if he's alone for too long.
I sneak out of the bed, hoping not to wake him. I would like a few minutes to myself to freshen up and change clothes before starting a new day. I'm exhausted, and I feel terribly guilty because I'm really starting to want a break, even after my lunch with Scarlett and yesterday's visit with Dani. I'm growing weary of the vigil at Chase's bedside.
I've taken just enough time to change my clothes and throw on a little makeup and deodorant. I go to the snack bar to get some yogurt and granola. A breakfast wrap looks good, too. And of course, coffee. I pay and then decide that a donut will top it all off. I'm tempted to sit down at one of the cafe tables to inhale all of my goodies. How I would love a good hour to myself to enjoy my feast.
Of course, I decide instead to head back to the room. I can't stand the thought of Chase waking up without me there. But that has already happened, and I catch his profoundly beautiful smile when I walk in with my haul. “Hi, Baby.” I kiss him gently and wait a moment to see if he'll kiss back. He reaches his hand up to my face and slides it into my hair, the way he did the first time we kissed.
“Katie,” he breathes. “I missed you.”
“You goof,” I laugh. “I was gone for a total of 23 minutes. And I brought you a donut.”
Chase manages an awkward smile and pauses for a moment. “Didn't you just get here? From Eagle Canyon?”
I search his eyes for a hint of playfulness. He's joking, right?
“Chase, Baby,” I say gently. “I've been here for days. I was just out changing my clothes and getting breakfast.” My lip trembles as I fight back tears.
“Are you okay, Katie?” He asks in such an innocent tone that I start to cry harder.
“I'm just tired.” I turn away to blow my nose and splash my face with some water at the sink.
I'm not sure how to process what is happening with him. What if he does have some brain damage? Will that affect the way I feel about him? Will I still love him if he's different after this?
I'm sure there are no easy answers to my questions. I know that I love Chase, no matter who he is. I feel slightly guilty about the fact that I've been thinking about how difficult it might be for me if he is disabled further.
But I'm not prepared for this. I had worried about the possibility of Chase becoming paralyzed, and I'm sure that would present its own challenges. But if he's changed mentally, will it seem like I'm with a different person?
I'm embarrassed to admit it to myself, but I'm kind of hurt that he doesn't remember that I've been here for him the whole time.
I feel more afraid than ever that the Chase I knew before is never really coming back.
Dave and Scarlett pop in for a few minutes.
“We heard you finally woke up, you slacker,” Dave shakes Chase's hand for real.
“Yeah, I've just been lying here, letting beautiful women take care of me,” he winks at me. “It's good to see you, man. You and Scarlett are still together, I see.”
“We're getting married!” Scarlett exclaims.
“See? I told you she was into you,” Chase grins at Dave.
I feel like a yo-you when I see him interacting with his friends like normal. He's back in the present again – not in the future or the past. I breathe a small sigh of relief.
Chase's parents and I have a meeting with Dr. Horowitz to discuss Chase's progress. The doctor seems to think that he is improving on every front – physical, mental, cognitive, emotional. With that brief report, he moves on to talk about Chase's transfer out of ICU in a few days. My brain is still stuck back in the room with Chase.
How can he not remember that I've been here for him all this time? Or that he's almost finished with college? Does he remember the accident?
As much as I was encouraged by his visit with Dave and Scarlett, his lingering confusion still scares me. A lot.
I don't usually let my emotions get the best of me, but everything feels raw since Chase has been in the hospital. I can't hold it back any longer; the tears splash onto the conference table. The others go on without noticing until the sobs begin. And then I can't control myself. “He's not okay! How can you think he's okay? He's not the same as he was!”
Mrs. Nichols rubs my shoulder and hands me a box of tissue.
Dr. Horowitz asks me to expound, which I am happy to do once I am able to calm down. “Well, Chase...he keeps forgetting things. He seems so confused and...kind of slow. He asked me this morning if I just got here from Eagle Canyon. Am I missing something here?”
The doctor expresses a bit of concern. “He seems to be cognizant of the basic details of his life whenever I speak to him. But I haven't been with him as long as you have.” He addresses Dr. and Mrs. Nichols, “Have you noticed any excessive confusion?”
Mrs. Nichols admits, “He did say something kind of unusual yesterday. He asked if he could ride his bike when he gets home. He hasn't been able to ride a bike since the accident. He didn't seem to recognize his crutches either. I'm a little worried that he has forgotten about his disability.”
Thankfully, the doctor is very sympathetic to our concerns. He also offers a lot of much-needed hope. “This can be a scary time for everyone. Chase is awake, but clearly he's not back to normal yet. Confusion is very common after a coma. In some ways, Chase's brain is still waking up.” He turns to address me. “Was it right after he woke up that he asked if you just returned?” I nod. He continues. “His brain has been 'on' all this time. As I told you before, he could probably hear what was going on around him, and his brain has been trying to piece it all together, trying to make a cohesive explanation for what he was hearing and feeling. When he first woke up this morning, maybe it felt like he was waking up from the coma again, like he wasn't sure if all the other days were dreams or part of the coma.”
“I know that this is scary for all of you. It's probably very frightening for Chase, too.”
“In any case, I am going to order an MRI so we can see for sure if there's any damage to his brain from when his heart stopped. My honest professional opinion is that his confusion will clear up with more waking time, but the MRI will hopefully confirm this.”
I cry again, but this time they are tears of relief.
I stop back in the room to talk to Chase. I notice his Lofstrand crutches near his bed. Thinking of what Mrs. Nichols had said in the meeting with Dr. Horowitz, I ask him, “Remember using these to walk to the top of Lovers' Lookout? It was so cold the first time we went there. I couldn't believe how fast you could move.” I hold my breath for a moment of fearful anticipation. What if he doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about?
He smiles and I know he remembers. “How could I forget? That was the night I fell in love with you.” He puts his hands on my face and gently pulls me toward him. He kisses me deeply, and my anxiety melts away. I don't want to leave him any more today, but there's one more thing I have to do.
“I'm going to go down to the chapel for a bit. I'll be back soon.” I kiss him on the forehead.
/>
“You're going to the chapel, huh?”
“Yes,” I reply. “I have to talk to Someone.”
I easily find my way back to the chapel. This time I don't have to wonder what to say. As I sit down, the words rush out, “Thank You. Thank You, God, for bringing him back to me.”
Late in the evening, as visiting hours are winding down, a technician from MRI comes to get Chase for his procedure. The tech wheels the entire bed out of the room and down the hall. His mother offers to accompany him and he agrees. I breathe a sigh of relief, both knowing that the scan is underway, and that I have a few moments to myself.
Dr. Horowitz comes in about an hour later to fill us in on the good news. Chase's MRI looks completely normal. The confusion he experiences should lessen with each day. The doctor encourages us to continue retelling him the details of our life together, of his life since the accident, of his hospital stay. Hopefully, it will help him to remember and reconstruct the reality of his life. The more time he spends awake now, the more he will be able to hold on to reality.
Chapter 18
I get up in the morning, again trying to escape for a quick shower in the family lounge locker room before Chase wakes up. Once I'm there, however, I decide to take an extended hot shower, letting the water dissolve my stiffness from the previous night. I also decide to give myself a little extra time for makeup. I partially dry my hair and then decide on a ponytail for the day. It feels so good to focus a little attention on myself for once.
When I return to the room, Chase is awake and looking a bit worried. “Hey, Baby, what's wrong?” I kiss him on the lips.
“I guess I...I didn't know where you were. I thought maybe you left.” He furrows his eyebrows as if he's concentrating on retrieving the information.
“You mean, like I left to go to your parents' house, or I left to go back to Eagle Canyon, or that I had left for good?”
“I don't know. I was just trying to remember if you were coming back.”
I take Chase's beautiful face in my hands and look into those gorgeous brown eyes. “I will always come back. If you remember only one thing, remember this: I am never leaving you.” Chase kisses me again, like he did that first night in my truck.
“I love you,” I tell him clearly.
He smiles as I lean my forehead on his. “I love you, too.”
A bit of fear remains after this episode, but I chose to rely on the facts. The doctor said there was no damage to Chase's brain. Besides, Chase was actively working to remember what was real. If I hadn't arrived just then, he probably would have come to the conclusion on his own that I had just left the room temporarily. The best news is that he always remembers people. He knows me. He knows his parents and his friends and his doctors.
I will keep the fear at bay by remembering all of the positive things. I also remember what Scarlett had told me at lunch: “Just ask God to help you find your strength in Him.”
I whisper a simple prayer: Please help me, Lord. And please, please help Chase to come back.
Shelly, Chase's OT, comes in to help Chase get showered and dressed for the day. Thus far, he had only had a sponge bath. “Would you like to help?” She asks. I assume this would be normal for a spouse, but I am still his fiancee.
I'm not sure. I want to do whatever I can to help Chase, but I also want him to have his privacy. I'm also not sure if it's appropriate, given that I haven't really seen him naked, and well, we're obviously not married yet. As much as I might like to see him in the buff, I finally I decide to be blunt. “We're not married yet, so I don't think so....”
In the afternoon, it's finally time to move Chase out of the intensive care unit and into a regular bed. It's a step toward going home. He is being prepped to move, any unnecessary monitors disconnected, and his IV line secured for transport. His parents gather up his numerous cards, flowers and other gifts and follow along as the transport tech pushes his entire bed out of the ICU. As the bed moves out the door, I hop on next to Chase and ask, “Can I have a ride?” I laugh, reminding him of all the rides I gave him in my truck and all the hours we spent together, which led to us falling in love.
Once, he is settled into a new room, I update him on my plans. “If you don't mind, Baby, I think I'll sleep at your house from now on. How do you feel about that?”
“I'll survive,” he smirks.
I narrow my eyes at him. “That's what you told me about the surgery!” I put a big pout on my face and cross my arms like a tantruming toddler.
“I did survive, didn't I,” he insists.
“Yes, technically, but you almost killed me in the process!”
“I'll be fine, Katie. You need some rest. Heaven forbid you lose it like you did at the end of finals week!”
I playfully slap his arm. He catches my wrist and pulls me in for a kiss.
“Besides,” I tell him, “I have can have any t-shirt I want when I sleep in your room.”
“You went through my stuff???” He exaggerates his shock, and then gives me a silly grin to assure me that it's okay.
Once he is settled, Chase and I spend a long time talking about wedding plans. He actually asks me if we can discuss them.
I tell him about the things that are planned for sure: Pastor Koskinen will perform the ceremony. My parents reserved the Westchester ballroom for our reception. I found a dress.
As I list these very few things, I realize we don't have much of a plan at all. I had wanted to do more, but I got lost in the endless days of standing by Chase's bedside.
I find a small notepad and tell him, “Let's brainstorm.”
“Tux?” I ask.
“Yes,” He responds.
“Well, I know that, you goof. What color? Black or white? Well, my dress is kind of a creamy color, so I guess black will look better.”
“That was easy,” he quips.
“We'll have to get you in to a tux shop for some measurements as soon as you're out of the hospital. Do you have a favorite color? Maybe you can choose the color of the bridesmaids' dresses.”
“I've always like red,” he offers.
“How about scarlet?” I ask with a grin.
“Sounds perfect!” He agrees, placing a kiss on my cheek. “So, you and Scarlett hit it off?”
“Yes, she's great. She's so unassuming, easy to talk to. I like her a lot.” I pause for bit, then proceed, “And she's absolutely gorgeous. Why didn't you ever ask her out?”
Chase laughs loudly. His old laugh. “Scarlett and me? No way. She's not my type at all. Besides, remember how I told you that she used to torture me? She's one of my best friends, but we never had that kind of chemistry. By the time we were old enough, it was clear that she and Dave had a thing for each other. I just had to give them a nudge to get them going.”
He leans over to touch his forehead to mine. “You're my type. That's why I'm making you my wife.”
Our kiss doesn't last nearly as long as I want it to.
“So?” I turn my attention back to wedding plans. “Band or DJ?”
Chase looks like he's giving the question some intense thought.
Suddenly, I think of something I don't know about him yet. “Can you dance?”
He chuckles. “It's not very pretty, but I'm not afraid to shake my groove thing on the dance floor. The only dance I really want to do is our first dance together. I should be able to handle that one, if you can accept that I'm not quite as graceful as Fred Astaire.”
We make a bit more progress. I jot down a few ideas for the cake, the flowers, the decorations. It's definitely the most enjoyable afternoon I've spent in the hospital.
“My classes start tomorrow,” I tell Chase.
The look of alarm in his eyes is enough to prompt me to explain. “I called the college on Friday and they said I can enroll next fall to finish my last few classes.”
“You scared me for a minute. There's no way I'm letting you leave!” Chase is half joking, but I know neither one of us can stand to be separ
ated again.
After a few more minutes of thought, he tells me, “I'm sorry you had to put your plans on hold for me. But I'm glad you're here.”
“You have to finish your last semester, too. Maybe we can finish together. You're alive and getting better. College classes can wait,” I tell him as I lean in to kiss him. He meets me with passionate lips and then wraps his arms around me. I'm fairly sure his arms haven't lost much muscle since he's been in the hospital. He presses his lips harder into mine until I open my mouth slightly. I close my eyes and let the joy of the moment take me away. Chase is alive. The worst is behind us, hopefully. Now, we can focus on each other and building our new life together.
Dr. Carbondale and an assistant arrive after Chase's morning shower and occupational therapy. They perform numerous tests in terms of the strength of Chase's legs. He is still weak from the coma. It doesn't appear that he has had any improvement from the surgery, but he is regaining strength quickly. There still may be some swelling, and when that goes down, we could still see some improvements.
Dr. Carbondale informs Chase that he will be doing some extensive physical therapy daily.
“Just like when I had the accident....”
“You'll probably be doing some of the same things,” Dr. Carbondale admits.
Chase sighs. “I guess I've done it before, I can do it again.”
“Sure you can, Chase. You still have a lot of strength in your legs. In fact, you will be starting from a better place than you were after the accident. It will just take you some time to get back to what was normal for you before this surgery. After that, hopefully we'll see if you make further improvements.”
After the doctor leaves, I sit down facing Chase. “So, how do you feel?”
“Okay, how about you?” He smirks.
“You know what I mean!” I insist. “How do you feel about the surgery? I mean, will you be okay if it didn't work?”
He takes a long time before he responds. “I haven't known anything but crutches for the past four years. I guess I didn't really lose anything. The surgery came so fast, I didn't have much time to get my hopes up. I think I'll be okay. I'm just getting kind of impatient to get back to where I was. I want to get out of this place and move on.”
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