The Worst of Me

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Cat gasped and her hands instinctively covered her heart. Why was she so surprised? What had she expected?

  “And ... erm ... your dad has just found this in the pub. He must have slipped it under the door before he left.”

  Liam held out an envelope, and with a shaking hand, Cat took it from him. He sniffed, wiped his eyes and walked away. Poor lad.

  With a thumping heart and a knotted stomach she walked over to the couch and sat as she ripped the letter open and unfolded the paper.

  Dear Catriona,

  By the time you read this I will be on my way to London to reconnect with the rest of the band and fly to Germany. I know it’s not the best thing to do, to leave without saying goodbye, but I fear you wouldn’t have wanted to see me anyway. And to see anything other than love for me in your eyes would have truly broken me. And so I chose to take the happy memories I have instead.

  The short time we’ve shared has been amazing. Some of the best days of my life were spent in that little Scottish village by the sea with my auburn-haired Scots lass and I’ve left a piece of my heart behind. You truly are beautiful. I meant every single word, just so you know. EVERY word.

  I understand why you blame me for what happened. I really do. But some day I hope you can forgive me. It was never my intention to bring chaos to your home. I simply wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere as Nick the man instead of Nick the rock star. To be loved for me and for someone to see through all the crap that accompanies someone like me. And for a brief time I think I did belong, and that was down to you. So thank you, Cat. Thank you for making me happy at a very difficult time in my life.

  But ultimately, I amguilty. I’m guilty of selfishly wanting a little piece of your paradise as my own. And along with me comes the drama that goes along with fame and being in the music business. And so it was only a matter of time before disaster struck. I just never intended for you to be in the firing line.

  Every time I hear Black Stone Cherry’s “Stay” I will think of you. Although I won’t choose to listen to it for a while as the pain is much too raw. But if you ever listen to the words please know that although I didn’t write them they express how I truly feel. And although it’s me who has walked away I think you and I both know that you had already left me and I simply couldn’t take it. I am a broken man but it’s all my own doing. If I could turn back time I would do it in a heartbeat.

  In spite of what you may think, I loved you, Cat. I love you.

  And the piece of my heart left behind in Gairloch is inextricably linked to you.

  I wish you happiness. Because even though I won’t be the one sharing your life, it’s what I want most for you. I want you to be loved and cherished as you should be. But I want the man you choose to be with to be worthy of you. Something I obviously can’t profess to be.

  So, be happy, Cat for short. And think of me with a smile sometimes as I will think of you often.

  Love,

  Nick.

  She crumpled the paper and held it to her heart as Lorna appeared as if from nowhere and enveloped her in a hug, and she began to sob again.

  Chapter Thirty Two

  Nick

  The roadies were busy setting up the scaffolding for the stage and Nick sat on an empty amp case, strumming his guitar in a quiet corner of the stadium. The others were drinking beer in the dressing room but Nick couldn’t stomach it today.

  The party they had thrown for his return the night before had been a welcome distraction from the constant thoughts of a certain, Titian-haired Scots lass and the amount of alcohol he had consumed had rendered him a spewing wreck.

  His head was pounding and there was an ache in his heart that had been there since he had driven away from Gairloch only days before. Leaving without saying goodbye had been awful but necessary. His popularity amongst Cat and her close ring of friends and family had descended to gutter level and he couldn’t bear to have her turn him away or to look at him in the way she no doubt would have.

  The vast stadium spread out before him and the familiar pre-gig nerve jangling only added to the alcohol-fuelled nausea. Luckily he had a good nine hours until they were opening at the Arena Halle, Berlin. He was excited but terrified to be going back out there again.

  Chris appeared at his side and punched him playfully. “Hey, dude. I wondered where you’d disappeared to. Got a bit worried you’d hopped on a plane or something.”

  Nick forced a laugh. “Nah. Just having a break. I feel like shit. I’m getting too old to drink that much.”

  Chris sat down on the floor beside him. “Yeah, it was a fucking great night, eh? And it’s good to have you back, mate. Even if it was under shitty circumstances. This past couple months has been far too long without you. But you’re with your family again now and I want you to know we’ve got your back.”

  Nick smiled down at his best friend. “Cheers, mate. I appreciate that. So, what have the ticket sales for tonight been like?”

  “You shitting me? It’s a sell out, what else?”

  Nick swallowed hard and his eyes widened.

  “Hey, don’t go flaking out on me, dude. You’re not going out there alone, okay? It’s going to be phenomenal. We’re going to tear the fucking roof off this place, mate.”

  Nine hours later and the stadium was full to capacity with screaming fans. The support band had rocked the house and warmed the crowd up nicely.

  The guys made the short journey to the stage down a long white painted corridor with their entourage of security, management and groupies in tow. Since Nick had returned to the band they’d spent time rehearsing and getting back into the flow of things again. Nick had to admit to himself that it felt good to be back with the band.

  Once they reached the side of the stage, the band grouped into their huddle and awaited Chris’s motivational speech. The eighty-six hundred strong crowd was going wild and Nick’s heart was doing its best to leave the building through his chest. The intro recording began to play and the audience erupted into screams akin to white noise.

  “Listen to that fucking crowd, guys! Let’s go and remind them why we’re fucking number one in the fucking world!” The rest of the band members roared their agreement and slapped each other’s backs before making their way up onto the huge stage.

  Another raucous cheer erupted as the band began to play the intro to their opening song “Hot and Heavy” and Nick took his place at the microphone. He scanned the thousands of nameless faces before him and with a flutter of nervous excitement and his heart in his mouth, he sang the opening lines to their most famous hit.

  As the night went on, Nick relaxed little by little, more and more, getting back into the swing of strutting his stuff across the stage like a true professional. He interacted with the audience and even went down to the security pit to shake hands with some of the fans, causing a few of them to faint with excitement.

  By the end of the concert he was buzzing and it was a high he hadn’t experienced since the last time he’d made love to Cat.

  As he walked off stage with the rest of the band slapping his back and congratulating him, he wondered what she was doing. Would she have gone online to watch the live performance that was being aired on the internet? No, he doubted that very much. He expected all talk of him and his band would be a taboo or even banned subject in their house.

  Back in the dressing room, Chris and Si opened bottles of champagne and showered the rest of the band with it as the corks popped and the sparkling liquid spurted out. The bottles were then passed around, everyone taking their celebratory swig. Sonic Idols were back in business and it felt amazing. Well, it was clear it did for the rest of them. But for Nick there was something missing. A Catriona shaped hole that had scarred his heart.

  He dug into his holdall and checked his phone for messages, just in case.

  Of course there were none.

  ♫♫♫

  The post gig party was in full swing and Nick had grabbed himself a drink and sat in a co
rner of the room to watch the rest of the band having fun. There were scantily clad women everywhere. The majority were fake blondes with silicone tits and collagen enhanced lips. Not a single one was a patch on the natural auburn-haired beauty he had walked away from and not a single one could keep his attention.

  But that wasn’t for want of trying.

  One of the few brunettes in the room perched on the arm of his chair. “Hey. Nick, right?” Her accent was German but her grasp of English was excellent.

  He took a sip from his beer bottle. “Yep. That’s me.”

  She crossed her long, tanned legs before him and her short skirt rode up to her thighs. “Pleased to meet you. I’m Ilka. So, tonight was good.”

  He nodded. “Yep. It was.”

  She nudged him playfully. “You look tense. Can I help? I’m good at de-stressing men. And my speciality is sexy rock stars.” She winked at him.

  He just wanted her to leave him the hell alone. “Look, love, I’m not really in the mood so why don’t you go try your luck elsewhere, eh?”

  She pouted but persisted. “You still trying to get over that red-haired Scottish woman, huh?”

  He scrunched his brow and frowned up at her.

  “There was a photo of the two of you kissing on the front page of Germany’s most popular newspaper.” She glanced around the room. “But she’s not here tonight on this very special occasion so I’m guessing either she’s ill or it’s over? Or maybe it just wasn’t serious?”

  He huffed. “I don’t really think that’s any of your business.”

  She tilted his face around and planted a kiss right on his lips and he gripped her arms to push her away. But she took it as an invitation for something a little more passionate. Running her hands into his hair she slipped into his lap and kissed him again.

  He pushed once more and managed to dislodge her. “Don’t do that. Bollocks.” He wiped the red lipstick from his mouth.

  Ilka giggled and ran her hand suggestively up his thigh. “Maybe you should try a German girl? I mean, let’s face it, she didn’t exactly look like ... your type.”

  Pissed off with the stranger’s incorrect assumptions and her attempts to seduce him, he turned in his seat to face the woman. “Oh really? And what would you know about my type? Do you even know me? No. You don’t. To you I’m some quick and easy ticket to a tell all newspaper article where you can either rate me or slate my skills in the sack, get your fake tits out and make a few quid.”

  The girl clamped her mouth shut, and flared her nostrils. “No, you have me completely wrong. That’s not—”

  Leaning toward her he spoke slowly and clearly so as not to garner any misunderstanding. “You are the one who is not my type, Ilka. So please just sod off and try to get into the pants of some other gullible bloke.”

  She gasped, slapped his face, stood and stormed away.

  Mission accomplished.

  Chapter Thirty Three

  Catriona

  After five long months things were finally getting back to some semblance of normality for Cat, and since a pregnant Lorna had moved back to Gairloch with Lachlan to run the village shop, she had friends around once more to help her move on.

  Although certain things had gone backwards instead of forwards. As she stood slicing lemons at the bar she thought back to Camden’s heartfelt apology back in June.

  She arrived home from a shopping trip to Inverness with Lorna to find several huge bouquets of flowers dotted around the pub.

  Tam was almost spitting feathers about the whole thing. “Catriona McCreadie, you need to tell that lad to buzz off and stop this. My hay-fever is kicking off something terrible and I cannae cope with any more flowers.”

  Cam had been so lovely. He had helped her decorate the living room after one of the letting rooms’ baths had leaked and water had come through the ceiling. He had rescued her when she had broken down in the pouring rain. And he had showered her with gifts and attention on the anniversary of her mother’s death. He really was trying so hard to make amends and slowly but surely she was beginning to forgive him. He had admitted to her that what he thought had been love with Sorcha had simply been infatuation and that he had never stopped loving Cat for one second. She wouldn't forget what had happened but people made mistakes. She knew that all too well.

  She had resisted Cam's attention as best she could but familiarity and a bit of loneliness had played a part in allowing him back in her life as a friend. He was easy to be around. No agendas and no drama.

  So, surrounded by flowers, she smiled and pulled the letter from one of the bouquets.

  Dear Catriona,

  I screwed up, I know I did. And I beat myself up mentally every single day for the way I behaved. But I want you back. And I will wait as long as it takes. You mean the world to me and I have a missing piece without you.

  Say you’ll be mine again,

  Camden Douglas

  She giggled at the way he had signed his full name as if he was being all formal and asking to court her. The fact that he had been so kind to her had started to have an effect and she was beginning to wonder if she should seriously think about giving him another chance.

  After that point they had started dating again. Lorna hadn’t been too keen and had given Cam the Scarborough warning about hurting her again and what would happen if he did. Basically it involved his bollocks, a blunt knife and homemade jewellery. Lorna was such an awesome friend.

  Camden had taken Cat to the theatre to watch a classical performance of Romeo and Juliet and he had held her hand as she sobbed at the end. In fact, he had wined and dined her after that on several occasions. But he had never once tried to get her into bed. He was being such a gentleman and she appreciated it. She had been honest from the start that her heart was still bruised and he had handled her with kid gloves ever since.

  Lorna walked into the pub as she often did these days at lunch time.

  Cat glanced behind her friend with confusion, “Hey, Lor. Where’s Lachy?”

  Her friend seemed a little out of sorts ... distracted even. “He ... erm ... had stuff to do. He was busy. Look, I need to talk to you and it’s important.”

  Cat cringed. “Ooh, that sounds rather ominous. What did I do now?”

  Lorna slid onto one of the bar stools. “It’s not a pleasant piece of news I’m afraid.”

  Placing the knife down, Cat wiped her hands on a bar towel. “Oh? What’s up, Lorna? You’re scaring me.”

  Lorna took a deep breath. “Did you know he’s back in Scotland?” she asked with a distinct look of concern in her eyes.

  Feigning ignorance, Cat shrugged. “Who?”

  Lorna gave an exasperated sigh. “You know very well who. Nick. Nick is back in Scotland.”

  A shiver travelled the full length of Catriona’s spine as she received the confirmation she didn’t want to hear.

  So the rumours were true then. “Oh? Well, it’s a free country.”

  Lorna leaned forward on the bar and cocked her head to the side. “Aren’t you just a wee bit curious as to why?”

  “Nope.” Of course she was but she wasn’t going to admit that to Camden’s sister now, was she? Especially not now she and Cam were back together and the engagement was back on.

  Regardless of the fact that Cat was trying to play the disinterested, nonchalant version of herself, Lorna persisted. “Well…it may interest you to know that he’s here alone just now.”

  Placing the sliced lemon into a glass bowl, Cat flared her nostrils and turned to her future sister-in-law. “Lorna, why are you telling me all this? Do you want me to invite him to my wedding? Is that it? Are you interested in him for yourself?” Her voice grew in volume. “Because you seem to know an awful lot about his whereabouts and what the hell he’s doing!” Her terse manner and quick temper were more the result of her own inner turmoil and she was very much aware her hormonal friend didn’t deserve any of the tongue lashing she had dished her way.

  Lorna clamped
her mouth shut and her cheeks turned bright pink. Her lip began to quiver and guilt washed over Catriona like a tidal wave.

  She reached out to the woman who had been like her own sister for many, many years. “Oh…oh, Lorna. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I shouldn’t have shouted at you. I’m such a cow.”

  Lorna held up her hands. “No, no you’re quite right. I shouldn’t interfere. It’s just… I know how much you loved that man. And I hate that you’ve been so miserable since he left.”

  Snatching her hand away she folded her arms defensively. “I’m not miserable. I’m happy. I’m marrying Camden and everything will be wonderful.” She did her best to try and reassure her friend and simultaneously convince herself.

  “Catriona, you are my best friend. Never mind the fact that you’re with my brother, okay? I know you. I’ve known you since school. Going back to Camden was a huge mistake. Nick is the one you should be with. He loved you so much.”

  “Yeah? Well then why did he lie to me about the press? Why did he go behind my back and ruin everything? He promised me he was helping the kids out of the goodness of his heart. He swore to me he wouldn't put us all under that spotlight like that. He knew how I felt about that whole thing and he did it regardless. He chose fame and popularity over me, Lorna. He said he loved me and wanted to keep our relationship going but he didn't even try. If he loved me so much why didn’t he choose me? Why didn’t he stick to his promises, eh?”

  “Because, Catriona ... and this is going to hurt you but it needs to be said ... you didn’t choose him. You pushed him away. You wouldn’t listen to his reasons and you shut him out without allowing him to have his say. He had no choice. You told him you didn’t want him. Your words were the reason he left!”

  Cat hated the fact that Lorna was, of course, right. “Yes…I did all that for a very good reason. He lied to me. I couldn’t forgive that. He promised that the newspapers wouldn’t turn up here and that he wanted to be hidden when all along he was thinking up some pathetic scheme to get back into the limelight in a positive way, using those poor kids. And not only that, Lor, he would’ve ended up resenting me if he’d stayed here. And I would’ve hated him being on tour and away from me. So there you have it. Yes, I did push him away. It was best for both of us.”