The Worst of Me

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Lorna’s nostrils flared and she sat up straight. “So it was okay for my arsehole of a brother to get into to someone else’s knickers, was it?”

  Cat scoffed. “Of course it bloody wasn’t. Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Well, you forgave him. Nick didn’t cheat on you. So he courted the media. So what? It’s his damn job. And if you loved him you should’ve accepted that.”

  Cat opened and closed her mouth; her friend’s truthful admission was too little too late. “I can’t believe you’re saying all of this now! Why the hell did you wait until months after he left to tell me how you really felt?”

  Lorna’s eyes saddened. “It wouldn’t have made any difference, babe. You had already decided that you and Nick were doomed from the start. He just gave you a perfect get-out. I’m sorry, Catriona, but it’s the truth. If you’d let Nick explain ... if you’d given him a chance—”

  Cat slammed her hand on the bar causing Lorna to jump and her eyes began to smart. “Enough, Lorna. Enough, please. I love you but if you keep on with this we’ll fall out. And I don’t want to lose you. But I’m marrying your brother. So please just drop it. Please?” Her voice cracked and she wiped at a few escaped tears.

  Lorna reached forward to Cat who stepped away to avoid her touch and her lip trembled. “But, Catriona, honey, I’m sure he would’ve taken you on tour with him. It was so clear how he felt about you. Why did you sabotage the best relationship you’ve ever had? Okay, so it was quick to happen but ... when you know you just know. Like me and Lachy.”

  “Oh, and that would’ve been fun for me, wouldn’t it? Going on tour and watching women fawning all over him and him realising he couldn’t sleep with any of them because I was there.”

  Lorna’s sad eyes were filled with defeat. “Well, it’s clear there’s no talking to you. I’ll go. I’ll call you later when you’ve calmed down.” She jumped down from her stool and turned to walk away. As she reached the exit she turned back to face Catriona. “Look. He’s being interviewed by BBC Alba tonight. I think you should watch. Remind yourself who it is you really love. Decide if what he did was so damned terrible that you should let yourself suffer for the rest of your life thinking about what might have been. After that you can do what the hell you like and I’ll stop going on about it. Okay?”

  Cat huffed, arms still folded across her chest. “Why the hell is he being interviewed by BBC Alba? He’s not even Scottish!”

  “Because they heard about his work with the youngsters around here and how he’d managed to get more kids into playing instruments. He did some amazing work and they wanted to know about it.”

  Her heart melted again as she remembered the time he had spent making those kids into a band, and how they just adored him. But then she was brought back to earth with a mighty bump when she remembered the press turning up after the gig and how she discovered it had all been a publicity stunt.

  With an extra ounce of sheer defiance, she lowered her head and began to wipe the bar. “Well, I’m seeing Cam tonight.”

  She expected Lorna to give up but instead she replied, “No, you’re not. He’s helping Lachy build flat pack nursery furniture. You have the night to yourself. Do yourself a favour, Cat. Cam knows you still love Nick. He’s not stupid. And in all honesty I’m pretty sure he’s still crazy about Sorcha. She dumped him after she found out he was engaged to you and he’d cheated on you. Told him no woman deserved to be treated that way.”

  Guilt washed over Cat as she thought about the girl Camden had an affair with up in Inverness and how she had blamed her, berated her and despised her for the whole situation.

  Cat forced a small humourless laugh and lifted her face to meet her best friend’s eyes once more. “Don’t, okay? I don’t need to be reminded about that crappy situation.”

  Lorna tilted her head. “I wonder why? Could it be because that idiot of a brother of mine is an unfaithful bastard? He made his bed, so to speak, Cat and he slept in it with someone else. Anyway. I’ll get going. I love you, Cat. I really do. And all I want is your happiness. Please watch BBC Alba, okay?”

  And with that she left.

  Chapter Thirty Four

  Catriona

  Being at home in the pub with her dad was lovely but she had very little privacy. She was thankful he was working late in the bar and wouldn’t be there to see her fall apart as she watched the man who still held her heart—in spite of his publicity hungry ways—being interviewed on Scottish television. She showered, changed into her pjs and pulled up her metaphorical big girl panties, ready to sit and watch.

  An earlier ad on TV had announced that Nick Dacre would be on the show Ceòl Oidhche or Music Night which aired at nine p.m. Her heart hammered in her chest as she waited for the show to begin, and when it did she opened a bottle of red wine with shaking hands and poured a very large glass full.

  The show was mainly about local musicians, many of whom were traditional Scottish bands, and she chewed her nails as each clip was played. It was like waiting for root canal treatment.

  Twenty minutes into the show and the dreaded moment arrived…

  Host: So, ladies and gentleman the moment you’ve all been waiting for. He’s the singer, guitarist and songwriter with one of the most famous…if not the most famous rock bands in the world, multi-platinum selling band Sonic Idols. Give it up for Nick Dacre.

  Applause ensued and shivers travelled down Cat’s spine as she watched Nick walk onto the stage and wave to the live studio audience. He looked amazing. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing and Cat didn’t use the ‘F’ word lightly. He shook hands with Guy Swanson, the show’s host, and took a seat opposite him. He ran a nervous hand through his long shaggy hair and his blue eyes sparkled under the studio lights. He glanced at the camera as the whistles and applause subsided and she felt like he was looking directly at her through the lens; right into her soul. She shuddered and pulled the fake fur blanket around her shoulders.

  Host: So…Nick…it’s great to have you here. What brings you to Scotland?

  Nick: Well, Guy, Sonic Idols are playing the Belladrum music festival as part of a UK stopover on our European tour and so we’re only here for a couple of days.

  Host: Wow so you’ve extended your tour?

  Nick: We love our UK fans and…I especially have a soft spot for the Scottish ones.”

  He glanced at the camera briefly again and Cat’s heart skipped in her chest.

  Host: Yeah, yeah, so we heard ... and saw from what was in the press. So tell us what happened when you spent some time up in the Highlands. Is it true that you ended up creating a band from a group of talented young musicians?

  Nick: (blushed and ran his hand through his hair again) Yeah…it’s a long story but after my mini meltdown at the airport I decided I needed to get away. I went AWOL for a while and chose somewhere I’d heard about—

  Host: But where on earth did you hear about Gairloch?

  Nick: (smiled wistfully) I…erm…met someone when I was down in London last year. She was working there but she was from the Highlands. I didn’t make a very good first impression on her but she told me about the place she came from. She mentioned that no one had ever heard of me up there and while some would’ve been a tad insulted I got quite excited. She talked about how friendly the people were and said that the scenery was breathtaking. It really appealed to me. When I went AWOL I needed air…and space. Gairloch was the first place that sprang to mind. I had no clue how to get there but thanks to the wonders of technology and the friendly locals I located the little coastal village and (glanced at the camera) I fell in love.

  Host: From the pictures I’ve seen it’s easy to see why. It really is a stunning place. So…the band. Tell us about the band.

  Nick: Well, I ended up staying there a little longer than I or my own band expected. I got chatting to some of the local kids. They were talking about starting up a band and seeing as I know a bit about that stuff I said I’d help them. It went from there really.


  Host: And is it true that the band went on to win a regional talent competition?

  Nick: (smiled widely) Yeah, that was after I left again but, man, I can’t tell you how proud that made me. They’re great kids and so talented. In fact, they’re doing a couple of songs on the new acts stage at the festival tomorrow night.

  Host: Wow, they must feel like they’ve really made it.

  Nick: Well, if I have anything to do with it they will…and very soon. Watch this space for Rockhill, everyone.

  The audience cheered and whistled.

  Host: So, Nick, my crew tell me you’re going to do a little impromptu performance for us tonight.

  Cat gasped. This wasn’t advertised. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. Nick didn’t do impromptu performances…let alone solo ones.

  Nick: (swept his hand through his hair again – his nervous habit) Um…yeah…yeah, if that’s okay?

  Host: (Laughing) Let’s ask the audience, shall we? So, guys…what do you think? Should we let multi-platinum selling rock star Nick Dacre play a song for us tonight?

  Of course, the audience went wild. Ear piercing whistles and cheers vibrated through the speakers of the TV. The camera panned to the audience who were up on their feet; wide smiles on most, tears cascading down the faces of some of the die-hard fans.

  Host: (waved his arms to quieten the audience down) So, Nick, what’s the story? This is a little out of the ordinary. Your band isn’t here and I’m told you’re not performing one of the band’s songs.

  Nick: That’s right. I’m going to perform something I wrote for acoustic guitar. It’s…erm… I wrote it for someone who has a special place in my heart.

  Host: Are you going to divulge who that special someone is?

  Nick: (smiled and dropped his gaze) No… I hope the person in question knows who they are. Let’s leave it at that.

  Host: Hmmm, cryptic. Okay, Nick, if you’d like to make your way over to the stage.

  Nick stood up and began to walk out of shot, removing his familiar leather jacket as he moved.

  Host: So, ladies and gents…give it up once again for Nick Dacre!

  The crowd went wild again and the camera panned to Nick. He sat on a stool with his guitar perched on his lap. He wore dark jeans that had once been black but had faded and ripped at the knees; a red and black check shirt, sleeves rolled up, and a black chord necklace sat at his throat. His tattoo sleeve was visible on his left arm. Cat swallowed hard and then held her breath as she watched him adjust the guitar.

  Suddenly her phone rang. Shit! She grabbed the receiver and barked, “Hello?!”

  “From your tone I’ll guess that you’re watching.”

  Lorna.

  “Your bloody timing is crap, now sod off!”

  Lorna laughed down the line. “Love you, bye.” She hung up and Cat dropped the phone. Leaning forward, her hand absent-mindedly covered her heart.

  Nick cleared his throat. “I…I’d like to dedicate this song to…to someone who made a pretty big impact on my heart. But I…I…let her down. This is called…‘Why’.”

  Silence fell on the studio audience. Cat’s eyes stung and her lip quivered. He began to strum the opening chords of the song and closed his eyes.

  I’m standing at a crossroads

  And time is moving way too fast

  My old life lays behind me

  where so many lessons passed

  I think about your green eyes

  And the way you made me smile

  I know you should be with me

  I guess that thought took me a while

  And now I know it’s much too late

  Why did I walk away?

  Why did I say goodbye?

  If only you’d made me stay

  And I’d never made you cry

  Why did I break your heart?

  And why do you still have mine?

  Why did it fall apart?

  And why can’t I turn back time?

  Why did I walk away?

  I’m standing on the outside

  Looking in on my own heart

  doesn’t matter how fast it happened

  to say I love you was a start

  A million miles between us

  But now you’re moving on

  And all I seem to do is miss you

  But to be losing you feels wrong

  Even though it’s much too late

  Why did I walk away?

  Why did I say goodbye?

  If only you’d made me stay

  And I’d never made you cry

  Why did I break your heart?

  And why do you still have mine?

  Why did it fall apart?

  I know I can’t turn back time

  Why did I walk away?

  Nick’s voice broke on the last line and his eyes looked glassy. Tears streamed down Cat’s face as she stared at the blurry screen through the salt water in her own eyes. As she watched him bring the song to a close he lifted his fingers to his eyes and wiped the moisture away. She dropped to her knees and placed her hands on the screen as her body shook and sobs erupted from deep within her. He looked right into the lens again and turned his mouth up in such a sad but beautiful smile.

  The show’s host made his way over to Nick and shook his hand as the rapturous applause echoed around the studio. Not a dry eye in the place.

  Host: Beautiful song, Nick. Just beautiful. One final thing… your gig at Belladrum. It’s tomorrow night, yes?

  Nick: That’s right. We’re the headline act on the main stage. It should be an awesome night. And we leave right after the show to fly on to our next destination.

  Host: And will that special someone be in the audience? And are there any tickets left?

  Nick: Erm ... sadly, no. The festival sold out weeks ago.

  Host: Aww, bad luck folks. At least you got to see him here live on Ceòl Oidhche. Well, this has turned out to be a spectacular show. Nick Dacre, everyone!

  Cat’s phone rang again and she fumbled around for it whilst her gaze remained focussed on Nick as the credits rolled and the audience applauded.

  Lorna voice wavered down the line. “Did you see? Oh, Cat. He loves you so much.”

  Cat sniffed. “I saw.”

  “You have to go tomorrow,” Lorna insisted.

  Closing her eyes she shook her head as more tears came. “I can’t. You heard him say the festival is sold out anyway, even if I wanted to ... but ... I don’t.”

  Lorna huffed incredulously. “You’re so bloody stubborn. There are ways and means, Catriona McCreadie.”

  “I’m not being stubborn, Lorna. I made up my mind months ago.”

  “Well, as your best friend I think I’m entitled to say that you are crazy. Completely and utterly bloody crazy. Goodnight, Cat.”

  Without responding, Cat ended the call and placed the phone back in its cradle as emotion wracked her body once again.

  The one huge fact that she had been denying since March was finally beginning to sink in.

  She wasn’t in love with Camden. Her heart belonged to Nick.

  But it was much too late to do anything about it.

  Chapter Thirty Five

  Catriona

  There was a distinct lack of sleep going on after watching Nick on TV and Cat eventually gave up and went to the kitchen to make coffee. Sitting at the small table alone she held the warm mug in both hands and stared into space. Memories of the lyrics Nick had sung came back to haunt her and she wondered how long ago he had written the song. Just thinking about it again made her heart ache.

  But it was over.

  The sooner she got used to it the better for all concerned. She was marrying Camden and that was that. Her mind was made up. And regardless of the fact that she still had some feelings for Nick, his betrayal still stung. And yes, Cam had betrayed her too but at least he had taken steps to make amends.

  All Nick had done was write a stupid song.

  But ... then again ..
. Nick had written a song ... for her.

  “Stop it, Catriona. Just stop it,” she snapped aloud at herself.

  Once her coffee cup was empty she went to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower, trying her best not to think about anything in particular but, of course, that was a waste of time. Once she was out and had towelled herself dry she made her way back to her bedroom to find something cheerful to wear. She figured perhaps something colourful and summery would lift her mood. Well, she could hope, anyway.

  Her mobile phone lay on her bedside table, its notification light blinking rapidly, and she flopped onto the bed to check her messages. There were three and they were all from Lorna.

  One:Hey Cat. How you doing this morning? I have news. Call me when yr free.

  Two:Are you ignoring me or are you still asleep? I need to speak to you. Call me!

  Three: Okay. Be ready and at mine for twelve. I’m taking you out for a girls day, like it or not. Bring wellies and sun block. Oh and a hat. Cam is going with Lachy to the wholesalers so he will be here when you arrive.

  A girls’ day sounded fab. But the fact that wellies were involved posed a worry. Although, the fact that Lorna was pregnant meant they couldn’t be doing anything crazy like mucking out horses or even fruit picking in this heat. It wouldn’t be safe for her friend. But she figured the mystery would be solved soon enough so she pulled on a knee length green floral sun dress and sandals and then, as instructed, she packed a bag with wellies, sun cream and sunglasses.

  At twelve o’clock she arrived at the alleyway that ran along the side of the village shop and walked toward the back of the property where the entrance to Lachy and Lorna’s living accommodation was. She could hear Camden’s voice and decided to try and sneak up on him as he often did to her.