Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility)

by Belvin, Love

  My man Kobe blew up my spot by questioning why I wasn’t in my usual floor seats. Truth of the matter was I didn’t want to completely reveal my economic status. I hadn’t dated seriously in years. I always had to be on guard for scavengers; gold-diggers won’t get me. It seems like everyone comes to L.A. to get in the entertainment industry. I can’t knock that but it won’t be by way of me. Rayna was cool, but she had to undergo a few more tests before I could be sure. Fuck that.

  One morning, I was coming out of meeting my office when Peggy informed me of a visitor. Whoever it was I could tell she wasn’t fond of them. To my surprise it was Rayna. She was a sight for sore eyes. She wore a black pinstriped business suit, where the jacket didn’t cover her ass, with a silk hot pink dress shirt underneath. That apple was popping in her dress pants. She came in doing a little flirting by giving me a rose as way of saying thank you for the phone I had delivered to her. I felt sorry for her for carrying around some raggedy gadget she called a cell phone. In return, she gave me this book on dating as if I needed the help.

  Rayna was sexy as hell that day. I couldn’t shake her presentation. The girl was dope from head to toe. I hated to see her leave but I had to meet Big D and seeing her motivated me even more. When she walked out of my office, I knew I wanted to explore her even more. But first I had to handle this situation with Tara. I could’ve easily started doing me but considering my relationship with her father, it would be hard.

  I met Big D at Filemina’s in the meeting room in the back of the building. Ms. Filemina had a private room back there where she would allow us to meet without any disturbances. Today, although I went with Petey, I met with Big D alone.

  When I walked in, I saw he was already seated and nibbling on something. I greeted him by chanting, “Big, D! My man! I see you’re munching on something. I hope I’m not late…holding you up…” as we hugged.

  “Young Blood! Naw, man, I was just so hungry I asked Filemina for a biscuit or something to hold me over. Have a seat.”

  I sat down and picked up the menu when Tarsha, a waitress, came in. “Im’ma get you something to drink. You want the usual, Divine?”

  “Yeah, baby…pink lemonade,” I responded.

  “Yeah man, so I hear you have a “vacation” coming up next month with the new friend down in Mexico?” Big D asked.

  “Yeah, it’s this spot right outside of Puerto Vallarta. I need to go down and meet our new friends. They swore their hospitality is the best so I’m going to see how true that is.”

  “Okay. Is there anything you need from me? Let me know, Young Blood.”

  “You still have friends down that way. Why don’t you touch them to make them aware of my visit just in case motherfukas want to act up?”

  We needed to discuss the latest deal that would be taking place soon. The room in the back gave us the privacy to do so. Although we always limited our words, I felt confidence in the confidentiality of the room. Big D had been fucking Ms. Filemena for years, he took care of her financially as well. She would do anything she could to have his schedule include being at her place of business whenever he needed.

  “Okay. Who are you vacationing with?” he asked taking a sip of his drink.

  “Petey, Kid, Wop, and their chicks.”

  “Alright, so everything’s set in place?”

  “So far so good,” I answered.

  Tarsha came in to take our orders. When we finished telling her what we wanted to eat, she left the room.

  “Mmmmm! How old is that ass?” Big D joked about Tarsha, whose ass was bubbling over in her jeans.

  It was too loose for my liking but to each his own. I just laughed it off. I got a little tense but decided this was as good a time as any to get some things off my chest.

  “Big D, there’s another issue I’d like to address while I have you here,”

  “Shoot, Young Blood!” he said while smiling making this even more difficult.

  “I need to kick it with you about Tara. Now, you know I don’t believe in involving you in our relationship because we’re both adult enough to handle our affairs alone,” I attempted.

  Big D nodded his head peaceably. “I think I know where you’re going. Is this about the call I got from Trish about Tara crying because of something that went down between you two?” Big D interrupted unusually.

  “Yes and no. I’m not sure why she called crying but the truth is, Big D, we’re not working out. Now, I’m not coming to you for advice. I’m coming to you as a man because you let me date your daughter years ago when she was damn near fresh out of high school. You sat me down and gave me the speech about boundaries in our personal relationship as it relates to my affairs with Tara and I respected that. So, I thought it was only right to give you the heads up before it goes down.” I studied his face in anticipation. “I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s time for Tara and me to call it quits. I’d rather not go into details because she is your daughter, but things haven’t been right between us for a couple of years now. I feel like I’m at the point in my life where I’m trying to go in a different direction in terms of home. You feel me?” I explained feeling instant relief as I closed my statement. It felt right; I just had to go about this shit with tact.

  “Well Divine, I respect you coming to me. Shit! Now I gotta hear this for weeks from Tara and Trish. I respect what you’ve done,” he said while looking down as if he was processing my words.

  “This doesn’t have to do with any other woman, does it? Because I gotta say, if it’s permanent I can respect it but if it’s for some pussy, I can’t. I’ve always told you if you need some fresh ass just get it…but discreetly.” Big D looked to me with heeding eyes. He was from the old school where men were flexible about infidelity. They measured their manhood by how well they provided for their families, not how they spent their leisure time.

  “Nah, man. To be honest with you, new ass ain’t even been on the radar. It’s bigger than pussy. I’m a man and need to be with someone who’s on the same page as me. And frankly, Big D, the money got to her head. Im’ma have money ‘til I die so it’s nothing to me but…I need a woman who’s feeling the same but with more of a wholesome…low key lifestyle. Not this Hollywood bullshit.” I tried my best not to speak on the details of my disdain for Tara. Her indiscretions would never be appropriate for her father’s knowledge.

  “Well son, you’re in the middle of Hollywood. Your friends are in Hollywood. Now even if you don’t settle down with my daughter you gotta remember this; the money you have has elevated your lifestyle, your friends and even your taste. Don’t you think it’ll be the same with your woman?” He was pleading with me. And as simple as it would have been to fully disclose Tara’s recent offenses, I couldn’t. I had too much love and respect for them both.

  “Oh, definitely.” I gave a reserved nod. My delivery had to be composed because this could have easily turned into a counseling session and I didn’t need that. I needed out. And as difficult as it was to disappoint my mentor, I had to end things with his daughter. “But the money, glitz, and glamour of the lifestyle can’t be the focus or a priority. I’m not saying I could prove it because I haven’t been out there to find one, but I know there has to be something better. This just doesn’t feel good anymore and hasn’t for a long time,” I protested gently.

  Big D sighed and paused for a very long time. My phone went off and I reached to check it. Tarsha came back in with our food. As soon as she left us to ourselves again he looked me square in the eyes wanting to plant a message deep into my psyche, “Are you sure this doesn’t have anything to do with another woman?”

  “No, sir…not at all,” I responded confidently.

  Big D, a powerful and resourceful man in his own rite, could make decisions based upon emotional responses to unfavorable circumstances. I, myself, had never been led by mortal fluctuating feelings but by calculated premeditated actions based off facts and keen intuition instead. Knowing the acute dissimilarity in our styles alw
ays helped me manage the relationship between my mentor and me. It is also one of the biggest reasons why I couldn’t fully disclose the detail of my breakup with his baby girl.

  “Okay, son, if this is what you want to do, I guess there’s nothing I can do or say. I know you are a very tactical and deliberate man and that this was well thought out and difficult to do. And to come and tell me…well, I appreciate that,” he crowed extending his hand for me to shake.

  We shook hands and went on to other pending conversations before parting ways. I left Ms. Filemina’s feeling lighter than I came in. Now I had to officially break the news to Tara, which wouldn’t be as difficult as breaking it to my mentor who so happens to be her father.

  When I got into the passenger side of the truck with Petey at the wheel, I updated him on the business conversations I’d had with Big D. He asked about Big D’s reaction to my decision regarding ending things with Tara as well. Petey had known we were estranged for as long as we were but what he didn’t know until recently was that I was finally prepared to end it. It was important for him to be aware because as my right hand he held my off-hours appointment book, he must know how to prioritize and categorize my associates. Tara no longer had priority.

  “You’ll be good, Divine. Good luck wit ‘dat shit, doe,” was his response. Crack wasn’t a man of many words, he was a man of action and I liked it that way.

  That Friday night I was at Tara’s place. When I told her I was coming by the day before she probably thought I was coming to apologize for my distance. We were sitting in her living room facing each other on adjacent sofas when I said, “We’re through, T.”

  “What…what did you just say?” she replied nastily.

  It was clear that Tara was far more delusional than I’d given her. She wasn’t expecting this. I just remained seated calmly with head resting on my folded hands.

  “You know this has been a long time coming. We haven’t been straight for a while now,” I tried pleading with her, calling on her common sense.

  “What’s wrong, Azmir? You’re right, things haven’t been right for a while and that’s why I’ve been doing me. You’ve been working long hours and claiming not to have time for me! And now you’re trying to say it’s my fault? I’ve been trying to wait for you to get your shit together!”

  “Yeah, you’ve been doing you alright. So I’m going to let you continue to do you, but without me.” I lifted my head to look her in the eyes. I needed to know she understood what this meant.

  “What are you talking about? Months ago you were here accusing me of sleeping with a rapper and now what?” she screamed.

  “I can ask you that same damn question. You’re all over the blogs with the NBA’s rookie of the year! You didn’t think that would get back to me?” She was incredulous in her denial.

  “I only went to an event with him, Azmir. It’s not like I fucked him!”

  “Word?! From what I hear you like fucking in bathrooms in the back of clubs!” My voice now unusually elevated, I stood defensively. I was mad as hell at her for trying to play me like some young kid with no relationship experience.

  Tara walked over and slapped the shit out of me.

  “Oh, so now that you’re the man in the corporate world you think you could come in here and disrespect me? Who in the hell do you think you are talking to like that…one of your hoodrat girlfriends? You wouldn’t be able to break bread with the elite if it wasn’t for my grooming!”

  “Grooming? You must have lost your fucking mind. Do you know anything about me?” I gave her a pointed glare.

  “I’m a self-made man, one that has never needed anything from you but for you to show some patience, class, and to keep your goddamn legs closed.” I tried to digest the fact that she smacked the hell out of me.

  “No! Me and my daddy made you. You weren’t shit before us and you ain’t gonna be shit now!” Tara yelled with tears streaming down her face. I knew that my words had stung but she needed to be brought back down to size, she was being demoted from wifee to family-friend, which meant she no longer had emotional privileges with me. Tara could no longer have those affecting outbursts.

  I didn’t want this to get any uglier than it had already gotten so I headed for the door. I knew if that bitch tried to hit me again, I would’ve knocked her fucking block off. When she saw me heading towards the door she begged me not to go and even tried to grab me. She screamed her apologies and began to cry hysterically. I left her right where she stood.

  That night I went to my crib in Pasadena and picked up some clothes. I knew this would be a long night of off the chart-phone ringing and possibly uninvited guests, namely Tara. I moved as swift as possible and was in and out in no time. After leaving the house, I went to the grocery store and picked up a few things to cook at my new spot in Marina Del Rey. When I arrived, I put everything away, popped in a Will Downing CD and jumped in the shower. I needed to relax, wash away the debris of the day.

  After my shower, I went into the kitchen to start cooking. I hadn’t played chef in a minute. As I was cooking, considered how good it would be to have someone to cook for and oddly my mind ventured to Ms. Brimm. I looked at the clock that read ten thirty-eight p.m. I didn’t think that was too late so I decided to give her a call.

  Mmmmm…hello?” Rayna said sounding seductive.

  “Ms. Brimm,” I greeted with a big ole smile on my face. I’d hope I wasn’t interrupting her.

  “Azmir?” She sounded a little dazed.

  “…the one and only.”

  “Hey. How ya doing?” She tried to perk it up.

  “I’m chillin’. Did I disturb you?”

  “Oh, no. I was sitting here reading and I guess I dozed off. I’m good.” I could tell she was still shaking the sleep off.

  “I thought you’d be on the town…chilling with your girls or on a date or something…?”

  “Naaaaaaah. My date tonight was Mr. Poitier by way of The Measure of a Man.” She giggled as though she was embarrassed.

  So, she doesn’t like running the streets? That’s good to know, I thought to myself as I stirred the pot.

  “I thought you were taking your girlfriend out?” I quizzed to make sure she knew I remembered why she said she couldn’t go out tonight.

  “She ditched me for a hot date! Can you believe that? I turn down a date for her and she drops me for one. It’s a good thing we pushed it up or I would’ve been blue tonight,” she said not skipping a beat, which made me believe she was telling the truth.

  “The nerve!” I joked and earned a sexy giggle.

  “I know! She rescheduled for another night so, no sweat. So, what’s a businessman of your stature doing having enough time to call me on a Friday night? Don’t you have a dinner meeting or Hollywood event to get to?”

  “I’m at a Hollywood event having dinner now,” I returned the humor.

  “Oh, yeah? Where?”

  “In my kitchen is where I’m having dinner and you’re the event.”

  “Oh, yeah?” She snorted and we both laughed.

  “What?” I mocked.

  “You got jokes?”

  “Nah…but…it would be better if it were reversed…” I breathed into the phone.

  “What would be reversed?” she asked and then immediately fired back after catching on, “If your kitchen was the event and I was your…?” she stopped herself thinking out loud. “Cute, Mr. Jacobs…real cute.”

  We laughed for a minute and then I said, “Let me stop messing with you. I was calling to set up a time when I can take you on your first Hollywood tour.”

  “Hollywood tour?” She must have forgotten that quickly, to my dismay.

  “You told me last night that you’d never taken the tour of L.A…?”

  “Oh, yeah! So you haven’t had enough of me, yet?”

  “I guess not. When will you be available? I’ll be away towards the end of the month and want to do this before I go,” I asked, serious in my pursuit.

  �
��Let’s see…I’ll be out of town for a couple of days next week and on Saturday I have another class…what about Sunday…next Sunday?” She was thinking aloud again.

  “That works for me. But you have to be freed up the entire day. This tour is very extensive,” I warned.

  “I can make that happen. Let me ask you a question.”

  “Shoot!”

  “Is this a date?” she asked pointedly.

  “Oh, nah! This is just a public service from L.A.’s finest,” I teased. We both chuckled. “Nah, I’m just kidding. What would you like it to be?” I tried pulling back from the silliness.

  “…whatever you want it to be. What time do you want me to be ready?” I felt as though she was trying to cover up her previous statement. I had a feeling she meant something by that but let it go. I wasn’t ready to go there myself.

  “Let’s say eleven in the morning?”

  “True ‘dat. Sounds good to me!” she belted like an around the way girl. I liked it.

  We exchanged a few more words and then hung up. I finished cooking, ate, and fell out. Sleep for me was scarce but when I could escape to steal some I made the most of it.

  Over the next week, I was feeling the backlash of my breakup with Tara. I couldn’t believe her mom called me. From what I’d heard, they tried to involve Big D but he refused. I figured my letting him know from the door intercepted his alarm. I got a call from her cousin, Danielle, who begged me all the way from my office at the rec to my house in Pasadena to call Tara. She claimed she was seriously concerned about her mental and emotional state if I hadn’t. I politely told her no. It took a lot to keep from telling her to mind her business, I’d always like Danielle and didn’t want to compromise that by being rude. Aside from that, I didn’t have a good week. I had not so pleasing quarterly reports from a few of my businesses.

  I was in meeting after meeting with the stuffiest atmospheres because of decreases in earnings. I had to schedule follow up meetings to regroup and brainstorm ways to up those earnings. I’d always hated this part of the business; still do. I could use a little distraction.