Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility)

by Belvin, Love

  “Ah man! You know I don’t like my chin being tested like that. I don’t know, my nigga.”

  “How convenient,” Eric said feigning disappointment; he was goading me. Mark just shook his head.

  “Okay, let’s do this…I’ll bring my little mamma if you, Eric, bring Natasha and Mark brings his new blonde lover,” I tested.

  Things got quiet for a while. Testosteronic fumes were looming over the table. I didn’t know if they’d take the challenge but I had to put it out there.

  “I’m in,” Eric said with resolved reluctance.

  After another long pause Mark shrugged his shoulders, sighed and mumbled, “Agreed.”

  The next morning I asked Rayna to attend Petey’s wife, Kim’s, fortieth birthday party and Mark’s reopening with me. Surprisingly, she said yes to both right off the bat.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  Rayna

  Azmir invited me to Kim’s birthday party. From the moment we walked through the door I noticed the sheer difference in atmospheres between this club and Cobalt. The patrons ranged from ghetto fabulous to bottom of the barrel hood. I’m not quite sure why but it all took me by surprise. I had to check my bourgeois card at the door. No, in fact, the car! The women and men were eyeballing the hell out of us from the door. If I thought Azmir was “somebody” anyplace else, it came nowhere near his status here. He was like the President of the United States. The girls were breaking their necks, whispering to each other and sucking their teeth. I remained composed and maintained my stride. It was uncomfortable at first but the reverence that was paid to Azmir by most reminded me that I had little to worry about in terms of safety.

  Not too long after our arrival, Chanell popped up. Seeing her familiar face did a lot for my comfort level. She had a few friends with her but you could tell they were not connected to the ‘Clan’ like she was. She had access to V.I.P. while they stayed at bay. She was as loud and vibrant as always. There was something very endearing about her personality. I understood that Azmir was our common denominator but I felt like she genuinely liked me. She was real. I’m sure Azmir wouldn’t have a problem if we weren’t friendly so she wasn’t obligated to befriend me. She complimented me on my attire and I shared how I admired her hair. Chanell wore the hell out of that tight curl style with her gold and brown highlights. It was gorgeous! She really strongly resembled the actress, Rachel True—until she opened her mouth.

  In the middle of our chatting, a B.I.G. track came bursting through the speakers. We both jumped up in wonderment. Once I realized we shared the same sentiment I was compelled to hit the dance floor. We made our way there without thought. Once we found a spot we swayed and sashayed and bellowed out lyrics like they were our very own. It was invigorating. Her friends were right there with us and we formed a cipher. It was cool being with the girls from around the way as long as they stayed in their lanes.

  A few songs later, this random guy walks up on me and grabs me by the waist. I jumped and managed my way out of his clench. I told him not to touch me. I hate when dudes act as if women are objects and invade our privacy as if we have none. This little prick really tried to flex by getting in my face with, “Bitch, you ain’t all that! I’ll snatch your dumb ass up outta here.”

  Chanell jumped in with, “Yo, Mikey, take yo’ little ass somewhere. This Divine girl. You ‘bout to get yo’ ass handed to you,” she warned. When his facial expression went from upset to shocked, I realized that I knew him from somewhere.

  “Dis’ right here is Divine girl? Fuck outta here,” the kid said in disbelief.

  As Chanell continued digging in his ass my recollection returned. I realized where I knew him from. Not only was he the kid who tried to play me at the dance competition my first night at Cobalt but I’d seen him before then. Just as I was about to cuss his ass out, I see like five dudes swarming. They grabbed the kid off his feet as if he was a toddler. They yoked him up by his hood so hard and fast he literally gagged mid-sentence. I was shaken.

  I shot straight back to the V.I.P. section to Azmir. As I got closer, I could see him calmly sitting there with his eyes glued to me. When I entered the section, he rose to his feet as if he were bracing himself. I immediately told him how I knew his little goon.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  Azmir

  Petey’s old lady’s gig was at my club called The Joint in Compton off Long Beach Blvd. When I picked Rayna up, I didn’t realize how sexy she looked until we got out of the car.

  She wore a tan colored vest that fell a bit above her naval, showing the contour of her shape with a pair of ripped jeans that were hugging her hips and fell just below her calves. She rocked gold stilettos topped it off. What really caught my attention was the Salvatore Ferragamo bag she wore. I wasn’t sure of the type of Ferragamo but I knew it was Ferragamo. I have a mean designer shoe and handbag fetish; I know my work! Don’t get me wrong, Rayna had always dressed stylish and sexy even while at work but there was something bracing about seeing her outside of her business attire. When we were in Mexico, I took note of how she wore a lot of sexy bathing suits and wraps with T-shirts. Her style of dress was stimulating.

  Inside the club was a zoo. Anytime the ‘Clan’ had an event here, the people came out in droves. As Rayna and I walked in you heard the whispers and even the women also referred to as ghetto birds clucking really loud. I even heard one say, “Ohhhhh, look at him!” and another say, “Mmmmm, no he ain’t!” I thought the chatter would cause Rayna to react or look tight but she didn’t. She maintained her face and walked right through.

  From the time we hit the door, my people were shouting me out. Even people I didn’t know was giving me dap. I was used to this but again, I didn’t want Rayna to feel uneasy with it all. We got to the V.I.P. section, where the bodyguards were visibly in the house, and grabbed a seat. Wop came over and asked why we were so late. At first glance, I had to wonder why he was questioning me, but quickly remembered that he was responsible for the coordination of my security seeing that Petey was tied up playing host and Kid was watching over him. I was proud of Wop for stepping up in the ‘Clan’. I gave him a few words of explanation about the traffic and he gave me the rundown for the night. I tried to stay under Rayna. After all, she was in a bloods and crips infested area. I mean, her safety wasn’t exactly a concern but this was her first time here with me and people didn’t know who she was.

  I started scowling the place for Chanell’s ass. Unbeknownst to me, she and Rayna hit it off big in Mexico. After that trip it seemed like everyone was crazy about Rayna—except that damn Syn. The reason why Rayna got such rave reviews is because she represented when those clowns tried to rob us. She’s suddenly become my ride or die chick in my goons’ eyes. Every thug needs a woman that will throw down with them in the time of need.

  Petey wanted me to marry her after that. He was definitely hard on himself believing he should’ve come that night with us but was too tired to. I told him I didn’t recall asking him to come, I was with a lady. I’d had enough of the ‘Clan’ and their business by that time. Come to find out, the cats that tried to rob me were small time hustlers who knew I was in town and the nature of my visit. They’d seen me with my goons earlier at the hot spot in passing. Someone dropped dime about our business and how I was at the helm. It was by coincidence that I’d been walking down that alley later that evening. They thought they’d struck gold when they recognized me. I made sure to inform my connect. I wanted to be sure it wasn’t a set up. My peoples apologized and told me they’d look into it. Last I’d heard my assailants’ bodies were found in a field near the hot spot.

  Chanell’s loud ass mouth finally appeared. She and Rayna embraced like they’d been friends for years. I could relax now. Hell, I couldn’t go into the ladies’ room with her. I began to look for Petey. Chucky, another goon of mine, told me he was back stage. Not too long after, Petey appeared with Kim and her family who had come in from out of town. I greeted Kim and gave her a little birthday gift. It’s unusual for
a man to give a gift to his man’s woman but this was different. Although Petey didn’t discuss the details of our hustle with Kim, she knew. There were many of late nights and extended days that Petey was riding with me, getting money and she never got out of pocket. Maybe it was because it was outside of her personality—I don’t know but she always held him down and played it cool. I always said if I had a woman like that I’d be married.

  Kim’s family greatly resembled her. All the women even had the same snowman shape. She got it honestly. I laughed to myself. I know that’s how Petey liked them. Later on Petey took the stage and called Kim up. He presented her with a Chinchilla and the crowd went nuts, after which he got on one knee and hit her with a five-carat diamond ring. He proposed to her for the second time. I cheered him on from the back of the room. “My nigga!” I shouted repeatedly. Everybody in the room seemed to be cheering. Kim cried like a baby. It was hilarious.

  Rayna sat in between Chanell and me. For most of the evening, she played her seat but when the D.J. played Biggie’s “Fucking You Tonite” she and Chanell jumped out of their seats simultaneously and hit the dance floor hard as hell. It was like something out of a movie. I’ve seen Chanell on the dance floor plenty of times but that Rayna was something else. I got a bone just looking at her dance sensually. She had a little hip-hop in her. She sang along with the song and bounced her ass to the beat. This was definitely a far cry from the woman in my boardroom presenting a proposal that day.

  This one cat from around the way named Mikey tried to grab her. I saw Rayna nicely gesture no but he couldn’t take the hint. He grabbed her with a little force. She began to base at him. The youngin’ put his hands in her face like he was threatening her. Chanell jumped in and said something while pointing in his face. Lil’ Mikey brushed her off by pushing her hand out of his face. By that time Wop, Chucky, Dookie, Dee, and R.G. were all over Mikey. Big Dee picked him up off his feet by his hood and carried him outside. I was heated!

  Petey came over and asked me about the ordeal. I told him what I had seen and he told me he’d go check on the situation. Before he left me he said, “I see you tight, yo. Just let it ride. Rayna ain’t glass. She can hold it down.” I knew he was trying to calm me and the truth of the matter was she was okay. It’s just that since I’ve met her there seemed to be drama everywhere we went.

  Minutes after Petey disappeared, Rayna comes charging my way. She looked mortified as if she’d seen a ghost. I could immediately tell something was wrong and when she reached me, she hit me with some shit. She initially told me that little Mikey got disrespectful with her at Colbalt the night I saw her for the first time. That’s nothing. Goons are always at odds with dignified women. They don’t know how to communicate and always find themselves trying to save face in front of their boys or even when alone. What did blow my mind was her story about him and his boys date raping her and her girl, Michelle. I didn’t know how to process that. My first thought was how the fuck did two women of her and Michelle’s nature encounter these block-huggers from around the way? I fucking hate surprises.

  After she expressed she wanted to go, we left. We said our goodbyes to Kim and Petey before leaving. She gave me more details in the car. While listening to her story, I recalled having to test drive “The Easy” pills to see if there was a market for them before we copped them in large quantities. They didn’t make much noise in the hood so the goons took them out into the more affluent areas. It didn’t pan out for us in the end because the expense it came with; traveling outside of our normal parameters and the risk of getting knocked by One-Time, also known as law enforcement, exceeded the profits. I passed the connect off to my white counterparts with more selective clientele. The potential hazard didn’t fit my profile either. Along with the fact that it was an illegal substance, was the sex crimes behind it. It carried too much liability. But I did recall the area Rayna mentioned where she encountered their attackers being one of the test locations. This shit was crazy.

  I knew on the surface this was a long shot, but I was convinced she was correct with her conjecture. My dilemma now was, we know who raped and even impregnated Michelle but who fucked Rayna? Those fucking clowns! I couldn’t have them or anyone else knowing that they fucking smashed someone I’m pursuing or in a relationship with. That could be bad for my reputation and therefore business.

  All I could do was be sympathetic to Rayna. I told her I’d look into it, but couldn’t give her details as to exactly what that meant. And if I could be of any help to Michelle I would. Of course, I couldn’t share with her my level of culpability in this matter. I knew this had to be handled underground. I couldn’t let it get to the law, which meant I had to handle this shit tonight.

  I was tight that night so after the club I dropped Rayna off and went home. I was surprised to see Tara at my front door. I hadn’t seen her in almost two months and hadn’t talked to her, practically, since then as well. She’s called almost every day but I haven’t been taking any of her calls. I had been too tired to deal with Tara’s shit. There was no need; nothing would change my mind.

  As I approached I asked, “Can I help you?” When I looked in her eyes, I noticed she’d gained a few pounds…in the face at least.

  “Hey.” She wore a glum expression, even her body lacked its usual grace and posture.

  “What?” My tone was terse. It was just not a good night for me and Tara needed to know this.

  “Azmir, we need to talk,” she bellowed dramatically. I wasn’t interested. “Look, I can see you’re serious about this break up thing. And I…I…I don’t think we have to throw in the towel that easily. There’s so much to look forward to…” her voice trailed off as she tried to capture my gaze.

  “Things like what?” I asked curious for even half an answer. That’s when her eyes traveled down towards her shoes.

  “Azmir, I’m…I’m pregnant,” Tara announced and her gaze returned to mine with tears in her eyes. I froze. I was numb. I stole a few moments to compose myself and think. There was something about this impromptu announcement that didn’t feel right to me. I don’t think I’ve touched Tara since her birthday sometime last fall.

  “Really.” I snorted. It wasn’t intentional but I couldn’t believe her audacity.

  “Yes!” she exclaimed in her baby voice. There was a long pause.

  “When did you find this out?”

  Tara shifted in her stance. I could tell she was uneasy. “I’ve known for a while but couldn’t deal with it and us at the same time.”

  “…by who?” I snipped.

  She swung her head back and gasped for air before hissing through gritted teeth, “What in the hell are you implying?”

  “Look, you and I both know you were fucking Dwayne. I am well aware of your diddling capabilities; we’re past that now. Let’s not go girl scout, okay?” I looked at her ready for rebuttal.

  She spoke so reserved, “Azmir, I did not sleep with Dwayne. I told you, that was between—” I interrupted.

  “…Essence and them,” I finished for her. “You’ve been singing that song too long now and I’m not buying. Honesty can take you a long way with me. Tara, if you’re pregnant and it’s my baby we’ll talk…but don’t try to use bogus excuses like this to spark something. Move on,” I stated with conviction.

  She threw an incredulous gaze my way. I couldn’t give her the impression that she could make a weak attempt at weaseling her way back in my life. I was more surprised that she’d slipped up and gotten pregnant by that Dwayne guy. She’d always been on the pill while we were together citing she never wanted children, which wasn’t in my grand scheme of things either, so it worked well. But I was left to wonder when she stopped taking her birth control and why? Had she wanted to become pregnant? And by whom?

  The look I shot her told her she had no room for rebuttal. It had been an evening of blows for me and Tara’s time to deliver hers had expired. Once she realized this, she turned with a humbled hanging head and left.


  I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt like there was still some type of hold on me. The gravity of my former decisions still gripping me in a bind that I’d tried so desperately to break free of, the drug life and Tara. As soon as I felt I’d effectively dealt with my relationship with Tara this comes along and throws me back into that grip. Tara was convincingly conniving and a baby was a chokehold. And if she was in fact carrying my child I’d handle my responsibilities but my gut told me otherwise. We’ll just have to wait this one out.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  Rayna

  I was preparing for a night with Azmir Jacobs. I was at Michelle’s getting ready for our date. I showered, lotioned, applied my makeup, played with my hair, and got dressed. I bought a black, long sleeve lace mini dress that fell inches above my knees revealing my firm thighs. It was simple and absolutely flawless. Michelle loaned me the black lace Via Spiga booties that matched with it. I tried not to overdo it considering we were going to a jazz club, but it was Azmir Jacobs that I was going with, so I kept that in mind.

  Although I hadn’t gotten much sleep, I was extremely energetic. Early that Saturday morning, I’d taken Michelle to have her port inserted for pending chemo therapy. It was difficult for me, but she was a champ. Afterward, I escorted her home and put her to bed. I had to drop Erin off at her girlfriend’s birthday party and pick up a gift on the way. Before I returned to Michelle’s I went grocery shopping and grabbed up a little gift for her and then stopped at the local florist to pick up fresh flowers. The weather was letting up, as it was spring so I refused to allow Michelle’s home to be dark. Dark and grim represented death and depression and I wouldn’t give them reign there.

  I offered my home to Michelle at least until she was done with her treatments. My place was bigger and near the beach. The scenery was so California with sounds of the shore and the sun beaming through every window. While Michelle’s place was spacious and luxurious, my home was more retreat-like. She declined saying that it would disrupt Erin’s schedule. In a way she was right so I didn’t put up a fight. I made sure I had enough clothes stashed there for late nights. This morning I was sure to bring my clothes for tonight because I knew I wouldn’t have time to ride to Redondo Beach to change and be ready in time.